Need guidance on how to move out to separate

[chasen_the_cycle]

Last night was a disaster...two hours of her blaming me for all of our problems (she does always mention she has things to work on too, but there is always a but...) and she doesn't know what else to do. I told her I think we should separate, and her response was "Yep, that's your answer for everything, all the time, just to leave. That solves everything." I didn't respond, but was thinking in my mind..."Yes, that would solve a lot of things. It would end this viscous cycle we are living in." I stayed calm, but I did say one thing that probably didn't need to be said. I told her that her son asks me frequently "Why do you put up with her?" and "Why are you still here?" (He actually asked me that again this morning).

 

I am working on moving up my move out date to this Friday. Just waiting on my buddy with a truck and trailer...and confirmation of step-son's basketball practice on Friday after school. He will be with her this weekend and I think that will be good for both of them to have each other to talk to.

 

I do not plan to leave a note this time. I do plan to call mother-in-law late in the day to alert her of my action and ask for her support to wife and SS. She knows our marriage has been extremely difficult and knows how difficult her daughter can be/is. My hope is that she will be able to come over to comfort wife and keep her calm. I see this as my best option as I intend to go NC.

 

Fingers crossed for a smooth transition...

[Downtown]

Chasen, that sounds like a good plan. Is smart to have somebody there when you're moving things so you have a witness in case she unexpectedly shows up. Just two more days! Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

[MJJean]

Have at least your buddy and one other disinterested party as a witness while you grab your stuff.

 

Once you are out, contact a lawyer and file the papers.

 

DO NOT talk to your wife. No contact, at all, not even by carrier pigeon.

 

DO NOT talk to any of her friends and family beyond the phone call to her mother informing her you've left. 3rd parties in contact with her can be used to further manipulate you.

 

If you forget something while packing, DO NOT go back to the house to get it without at least one witness and her being away from home. In fact, prevent that by making sure you've gotten all personal items that have any value to you. Pictures, your mom's vase, whatever....make a list so you don't forget something important to you and have to go back.

 

Good luck. Please let us know if/when you make it out and how it's going for you. Even leaving a nightmare can be hard.

[chasen_the_cycle]

I plan to have a couple friends with me most of the day...there will be a couple holes due to their schedules, but it's the best I can do on short notice.

 

I have had a list going for months now regarding my personal items. For the past couple of weeks, every time I go in to a room, open a cabinet, or go to the garage I take a visual inventory and make a note to add anything I see to the list at the next available opportunity. Amazing how things can be missed when they are there every day.

 

The friends won't be a problem for the most part...however a couple that I would consider some of our closest friends will be unavoidable as we are mutually close to them. Just have to roll with the punches if they come through that channel. One good thing about them, though, is they know and SEE how she is, so I don't expect too much noise from STBX through them.

 

It has been a nightmare, and you are right, this is still going to be hard. I am all tied up in knots inside, but I am keeping my focus in my head.

 

I will definitely check back in here as soon as I can after I've left. Thanks everyone!

[chasen_the_cycle]

Well, I am out! It was a hard day yesterday, but I know it is the right/best thing for me. She has been trying everything she can possibly think of to get a hold of me and find out where I am. It sucks...this feeling of abandoning someone. I feel guilty. I feel somewhat distraught. But I have an excellent support network with my family and friends that is going to help me through this process.

 

My week of transition has begun...new apartment next weekend.

[Downtown]

Chasen, I'm glad to hear that your move out went safely. I'm not surprised to hear that you feel "distraught." You are human and it's only natural to feel upset when ending such a long relationship. Thank goodness you have support from your family and friends. I'm glad you have your new apartment to look forward to. If you can, try to think of it all as a new life adventure. That's the way I tried to think of things when my exW had me thrown into jail and obtained a R/O barring me from returning home for 18 months. In many respects, I felt like I was a character in an exciting movie -- not knowing, for the first time in many years, what event was going to unfold next.

[chasen_the_cycle]

This is tough...I am staying with a friend, and I am really looking forward to the new lease on life I have coming, but I can't help but feel bad for her, thinking of her sitting, sleeping, just being at the house by herself. She spent 9 years on her own before me, but it's still hard for me to think of her being there alone (or just with her son, depending on the day or weekend).

 

I think I am doing well though...I have great friends that are encouraging me along the way, and my family knows this is the best thing for me...I know this is the best thing for me. It's just hard. It will get better...I keep telling myself that.

[Downtown]

Yes, if she really does have strong BPD traits, walking away is extremely painful. But it does get better, as you say, Chasen. If she is a BPDer, your staying with her would have continued harming her by serving as a frequent trigger for her fears -- and by being an enabler that destroys her only opportunities to have to confront her issues and learn how to manage them. Letting go gives her an opportunity to develop more mature emotional skills.

[chasen_the_cycle]

Well I'm almost a week in to this and as mentioned already, it has been hard. It hurts. But I know this is the best decision for me.

 

Going no contact seemed like the best action going forward, but I have since decided that that is just too cold. We have spoken twice, and I told her she could email if anything became urgent. We do have financial stuff that needed to be discussed, and to be honest, so far it has been very amicable and she is dealing with this much better than I anticipated she would.

 

She has found a counselor that she says is already helping her deal with figuring out who she is and how she has been, so for that, I do applaud her. She hasn't asked me to come back. In fact, she told me today that she feels we should now go for at least a week and not talk. That will be fine and pretty easy for me, but it will be a struggle for her, but it is now her wish to do so. She says that this was a giant, huge wake up call for her, and she will be a better person for it...whether it ends up that we are together or not. I am still maintaining that we will not get back together, that this separation will become permanent, but her only wish for us at this time is that we figure out how to be friends. I'm good with that.

 

This weekend is moving weekend to the new apartment, and I am excited about that...it's gonna be a big change for me, living alone, but I need it. More than anything, I need to find me again.

 

Thanks for the support everyone...it helps to get this stuff out there, even among perfect strangers.

[Downtown]

Chasen, thanks for giving us another status update. I'm glad to hear the situation is "very amicable and she is dealing with this much better" than you had expected her to do. Yet, if she is as emotionally unstable as you describe, that attitude can change in an instant. But nobody knows that better than you.