Text him re: making plans?

[Versacehottie]

Just a bit of an update on this whole situation....

 

So on Friday afternoon I had a moment of weakness and texted him to say hi. (Insert your criticism here, yes I know I'm possibly risking a lot of heartache here but I had to know how he would respond).

 

Here was the exchange:

 

Me: how's your day going?

Him: really well, I had a meeting with my new boss today. How's your day going?

Me: going well, busy day at work, weathers awesome

Him: good to hear. Yes great weather

Me: if you're not busy Saturday night we should get together

Him: sorry I have plans

 

I never responded, there was no "I'd love to but...." Or anything so I figured that was my last contact I would ever plan on having with him. It answered my curiosity about his response, so I felt closure and like my question of his interest was answered.

 

So, then Saturday rolls around, and at 4:30, right as I am literally walking out the door to go to dinner with a friend, he texts me.

 

Him: what are you up to?

Me: having dinner with a friend tonight that just moved to town from up north. What are you up to?

Him: having dinner with Ara (his best guy friend).

Me: enjoy

 

What the?????? So, let me get this straight...he said he was busy when I mentioned plans that night, but apparently his plans were to go out to dinner with his best guy friend (who is also single) who he sees constantly, and told me he was busy but yet texted me the very night he said he was busy and asked me what I was up to?

 

I don't even know what to think. Other than I think I'm glad I didn't respond and say anything other than I was busy doing other things...

 

ugh, so annoying. well I wish you hadn't texted him or the content of the first set of texts!! But ok, it's done and it's a learning lesson. I think you handled the second set of texts great. Do you really not know what he is doing? He is keeping you on a string. Using you as an ego boost. He is testing how far you will jump and how small of a crumb you will accept. Sure it means he is marginally interested. He's not turned off by you but he is more turned on by the ego boost part of it. That's why the call came in at 4:30. That's my take at least.

 

Ok, don't contact him. I would severely drop his priority and if you can, write him off. Otherwise make him work really hard to work his way back in. Like plans for a date, 3-4 days in advance. You don't want to be his backup and he is treating you like one. Good luck

[katiegrl]

Lady...have you picked up the books I suggested? It's ALL in there....he is classic commitment-phobe.... his behavior is classic!

 

I implore you to read those books for understanding.... and to protect yourself from guys like him in the future.

 

Needless to say, you should not have texted him (which you realize now)...not quite sure what you expected, given all his confusing/crazy-making behavior as of late.

 

Please don't waste any more time and energy attemting to figure him out...you NEVER will...block him.....today!!

 

Commitment-phobes will drive you literally crazy..if you let them. DON'T let him!!

 

Block, delete and move on....please.

 

Lady...to add to this^^ (and apologies if this comes off as harsh)....but while in this stage of *pulling away* he is NOT interested in you. He is not thinking about you, and has zero desire to see you/spend time with you.

 

His emotional switch as far as you are concerned is on "off."

 

He is only tossing you scraps (responding to your texts, initiating lame texts that make no sense)...to keep you around in case he ever changes his mind....which after leaving him alone for a few weeks...or months... he might.

 

See... he can't make a commitment either way...to leave or stay....so he strings you along while he decides....which he never will....because he is a commitment phobe!

 

I am sorry....but that's how it goes with these types of guys.

 

The girl who ultimately gets his heart will probably be an even bigger commitment-phobe than he is. She will rarely, if ever, be available, leaving HIM confused and crazy!

 

Please read the books....again it's all in there.

Edited June 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[Ladyinindy]

I hate this!!!! Such a tough situation you guys. I have feelings for him, it's hard to let go of that. I'm listening though. I need to hear this stuff.

 

 

Thanks to all for being honest with me and looking out for me!!!! I'm needing this reality check badly.

[Ladyinindy]

I'm staying strong and not contacting him. Went on a date this weekend with a really neat guy that is a NORMAL person so far emotionally. Made me remember how not normal this other mans behavior is towards women. Regardless of whether we continue to date, although I think we both plan to, it helped me see past the sense of stronghold that this other mans behavior and actions were having on my heart. Allowed me to let go in a lot of ways to feeling mentally preoccupied with feeling so hurt.

 

I ordered one of the books mentioned off of Amazon...looking forward to the read.

[katiegrl]

I'm staying strong and not contacting him. Went on a date this weekend with a really neat guy that is a NORMAL person so far emotionally. Made me remember how not normal this other mans behavior is towards women. Regardless of whether we continue to date, although I think we both plan to, it helped me see past the sense of stronghold that this other mans behavior and actions were having on my heart. Allowed me to let go in a lot of ways to feeling mentally preoccupied with feeling so hurt.

 

I ordered one of the books mentioned off of Amazon...looking forward to the read.

 

Have you blocked him? If not, why not?

 

Blocking him will be huge step in your healing. It's very freeing....as every time you receive a text or call, your heart won't skip a beat hoping it's him..

 

Just hoping it's him keeps you stuck (emotionally and mentally)....and prevents you from moving forward...

 

And PLEASE don't even consider contacting him again. Why would you unless you enjoy being emotionally beaten up.....His emotional switch is on OFF.

 

Please block him if you haven't already.

 

Enjoy the book(s)....and good luck hon.

[losangelena]

Ergh, hearing stories like this really churn my stomach. I'm sure most women have been through what you're going through right now.

 

I met a couple of guys like this last year. With the first one, we went out once, had an OK date, but I felt like he was kinda lukewarm. Despite that, he'd text me very intermittently, but never ask me out. Eventually, after a couple of weeks of that, I texted him while out with some friends and invited us to join. He said no, and then I said, "well let me know if you ever do actually want to hang out again." I never heard from him again. Haha, go figure.

 

The other day, we dated for about six weeks—sailed past the intimacy thing—but he was such a future faker is was unbelievable. That guy singlehandedly disabused me of the notion that there's anything real about that kind of talk. Yes, it's very seductive to hear those things, but if you hear it in the future—hold off emotionally! Wait, and watch to see if they back it up with action. My parents were engaged after a week of dating. So yes, my Dad's words were full of future promises, but he actually backed them up! If a man says he wants to marry you after knowing you for a month, there'd better be a ring on that finger soon after is all I'm saying.

 

Good on ya for moving on. Waste no more time on him.

[Ladyinindy]

I need to be delicate about blocking him on my phone or my facebook because his best guy friend is a close business associate of my boss. They are all part of a big network of guys that do business together professionally (this is coincidence, that's not how we met, we met online, then realized we had people we knew in common). So...I need to be cautious due to that. I'm just going to be cordial yet very busy if he messages me moving forward....

[Ladyinindy]

With all due respect towards women who have been physically raped, I feel like I've been through emotional rape with this. It's so incredibly hurtful.

[misspond]

I need to be delicate about blocking him on my phone or my facebook because his best guy friend is a close business associate of my boss. They are all part of a big network of guys that do business together professionally (this is coincidence, that's not how we met, we met online, then realized we had people we knew in common). So...I need to be cautious due to that. I'm just going to be cordial yet very busy if he messages me moving forward....

 

Why do you need to be delicate about blocking him?

 

Just block him, never speak to him again.

[katiegrl]

Why do you need to be delicate about blocking him?

 

Just block him, never speak to him again.

 

One reason: She's not ready for it to be *over* yet. Hasn't quite accepted it...which is typical in situations like this. Otherwise there would be no problem blocking...business assoc or not. Just an excuse IMO.

 

It will take time....I get it...it's really hard letting go!

 

Hopefully she will get there soon... reading the books I suggested might help, along with tons of support.....

Edited June 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

With all due respect towards women who have been physically raped, I feel like I've been through emotional rape with this. It's so incredibly hurtful.

 

OP, with all due respect to your feelings (I want to say this very delicately):

 

I think, as a goal, it's important for women to get to a place where, after dating someone for two months and maybe being treated badly/dumped/ghosted on, we don't characterize it as "emotional rape."

 

That's what I was saying in my previous post; unfortunately, you just never know what a guy is going to say to keep your interest. I agree that there's doesn't seem much you could've done in your situation to have ensured that he wasn't going to disappear after sex. But that risk is ALWAYS there, no matter how secure you feel in your relationship. Going forward, be skeptical always of what a man says until he shows you he means it. I'm not saying be closed off or jaded, just recognize the fact that, even if a guy likes you or has some feelings for you, he's not going to be looking out for your emotional well-being, especially not at the two-month mark—that's all up to you.

[katiegrl]

Their first date was May 22nd (one month ago), they have not seen each other in more than two weeks now....so they were dating two weeks.

 

He gets sick, she brings over chicken soup (like a "girlfriend").... and spends the weekend (like a gf).

 

He's 49, never been married, no kids, series of short term relationships.

 

Writing was on the wall....it just went too damn fast simple as that. Fire burned out (for him) as fast as it started.

 

Lesson learned for next time...when a guy comes off super fast like he did....he's dealing in fantasy, not reality.

 

Agree with losangelina all the way....don't believe his super fast pursuit....it's NOT real.

 

I hope you feel better soon.....((hugs))

[katiegrl]

OP, with all due respect to your feelings (I want to say this very delicately):

 

I think, as a goal, it's important for women to get to a place where, after dating someone for two months and maybe being treated badly/dumped/ghosted on, we don't characterize it as "emotional rape."

 

That's what I was saying in my previous post; unfortunately, you just never know what a guy is going to say to keep your interest. I agree that there's doesn't seem much you could've done in your situation to have ensured that he wasn't going to disappear after sex. But that risk is ALWAYS there, no matter how secure you feel in your relationship. Going forward, be skeptical always of what a man says until he shows you he means it. I'm not saying be closed off or jaded, just recognize the fact that, even if a guy likes you or has some feelings for you, he's not going to be looking out for your emotional well-being, especially not at the two-month mark—that's all up to you.

 

I agree with this for the most part....however I DO think there was something she could have done to avoid this. No guarantees of course....but for next time...

 

Slow him down! Don't be so quick to go along with his fast paced agenda.

 

Meeting friends, family, talk of the future...chicken soup...spending all weekend together....it's all just too much for only having dated two weeks...especially given his history.

 

Also, when a guy asks for so many dates in such quick succession.... or sex...IMO, it's a red flag (that he may be a "player" or commitment phobe)...so I'm cautious and pace the dates out....I'm NOT always available. And I would hold off on the sex for a bit longer too.

 

 

It's okay to tell him it's too fast and you need to go slower. I know it's tempting to want to go along with it...but really, it's a red flag and it would be wise not to.

 

If he disappears after you tell him it's all going too fast...or if you are not always available...then he was never all that into you in the first place, because a man who is into you will understand and respect your boundaries in that regard...and slow things down.

 

And chances are he will stick around too...IF he is interest in you is sincere.

 

Like I said, no guarantees that he WILL stick around once he's "got" you (so to speak)....but the chances are a hell of a lot better than going along with his fast paced agenda and then having him essentially disappear (or stop pursuing) immediately thereafter like this bozo did.

 

Plus going slow keeps YOUR emotions in check also. Win-win.

 

Is all this fair? I don't know...but it's SMART. Smart dating.

 

JMO.

Edited June 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[Ladyinindy]

I definitely think this is a case of two people that are not right for each other, and one of them, him, being just too emotionally inept to be with someone like me that just needs more than that. Like a PP and said, he is destined to end up with a complete commitment phobic just like himself, and will probably have a very empty meaningless emotionless relationship with her that last a few years and then he'll be onto the next.

 

I really do want to block him on my phone and on my Facebook. It sounds like I should just do it and not worry about anything having to do with anything professionally. I guess I was more worried about that aspect of things with the buiness relationships than I should be.

[BluEyeL]

49, never married, short relationships? So sorry, never date this type of man again. You seem inexperienced with dating. Read a bunch of books, read forums and get better. Men like him are a lot out there in Indy (I live in the area). You need to learn how to date in such a way that you avoid men like that.

 

Honestly, finding a man who is willing to commit and that would be a good match for you, as a woman, is such a daunting task that it almost seems impossible. But it is possible, if you don't waste time with the rest of the losers.

[Gary S]

Sorry I'm late to the party here, but it looks like either you got played or he just decided after the weekend together that he was not into you.

 

In any event, if he's not asking you out on a date at least once a week, he's just not that into you.

[Gaeta]

I don't think you got played on purpose. I think he doesn't know any better. He's probably addicted to the new relationship rush. He lives it to the fullest and when the excitement settles he loses interest. This is very common. Same thing happen to me a few times. These men are emotionally immature. They're 15 years old in the body of grown up men of 49.

 

Also like the others have said, and they have repeated to me over and over, when it starts like a fireworks it will die like a firework, meaning really quickly. When a man wants to spend his every minute with you, keeps you for an entire weekend after you just met, it's your cue that something is not quite right.

[Versacehottie]

I need to be delicate about blocking him on my phone or my facebook because his best guy friend is a close business associate of my boss. They are all part of a big network of guys that do business together professionally (this is coincidence, that's not how we met, we met online, then realized we had people we knew in common). So...I need to be cautious due to that. I'm just going to be cordial yet very busy if he messages me moving forward....

 

I know most are telling you to block which would be good too BUT I'm just here to represent the other side of the coin. I'm not a blocking type person and a couple of times where something similar has happened to me, I actually get great satisfaction when I hear from the guy begging for another chance. As long as your decision, in either case, is to not allow the guy back into your life, both are good solutions just do what's best for you. Just saying the leaving it unblocked if you hear from him can be very freeing and ego boost for you as well. I think in either case your challenge at the moment is to stop hoping he will call.

[lovexocoach]

He pulled away for some reason. I'm sorry to hear that happened because it sounded like there was both compatibility and chemistry.

 

 

Don't contact him. Don't text him. The ball is in his court about contacting you. Block him if you want and as long as it doesn't have any business related repercussions.

 

 

Continue dating and carry on with your life.

 

 

He might be the one that got away or he might be doing you a favor by disappearing.

 

 

In the meantime, there might be a great guy out there looking for you. So don't waste any more time and effort on this one.

[katiegrl]

I know most are telling you to block which would be good too BUT I'm just here to represent the other side of the coin. I'm not a blocking type person and a couple of times where something similar has happened to me, I actually get great satisfaction when I hear from the guy begging for another chance. As long as your decision, in either case, is to not allow the guy back into your life, both are good solutions just do what's best for you. Just saying the leaving it unblocked if you hear from him can be very freeing and ego boost for you as well. I think in either case your challenge at the moment is to stop hoping he will call.

 

I would agree with that.... IF she is strong enough to refuse his plea to try again.... he misses her, he was an asshat....blah blah. He may even start to cry!

 

 

Guys like him will pull out all the stops...and if she still has feelings for him, she will be VERY tempted to believe his BS and take him back!

 

 

I have seen it a million times...and as I said earlier, I know women who have been in these back and forth, push/pull relationships for YEARS.

 

 

Because after a few week or months, the guy will start missing her and want her back....once he gets her back and gets close again, bam, he disappears again.

 

 

However, IF the OP is strong enough to NOT fall for his BS (should he return)...the yah I think that is a great idea!!

[Gaeta]

You want to block him because you are hurt and it's your passive way to hurt him back. You block people that harass you constantly and don't understand no means no.

 

Like one above poster said you would find it very liberating to just tell him off and be done with it. That's really taking control of your life.

[katiegrl]

You want to block him because you are hurt and it's your passive way to hurt him back. You block people that harass you constantly and don't understand no means no.

 

Like one above poster said you would find it very liberating to just tell him off and be done with it. That's really taking control of your life.

 

Women also block because of this:

 

 

>>Blocking him will be huge step in your healing. It's very freeing....as every time you receive a text or call, your heart won't skip a beat hoping it's him..

 

Just hoping it's him (every time you hear a beep that you received a text- from anyone) keeps you still thinking about him...and thus, stuck (emotionally and mentally)....and prevents you from moving forward...<<

 

 

Women also block if they still have feelings for him and thus aren't quite strong enough or ready to tell him off or refuse him... when he/if calls again.

 

 

Blocking prevents them from even being "tempted" to take him back...

Edited June 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gary S]

Okay, let's not go off the deep end here, let's not go off on him just because it's not a match.

 

Simply change his name to "telemarketer" in your phone and ignore any calls, and delete any texts without looking at them.

[Gaeta]

I think it's healthy to send a message like: I had a great time meeting you but I am looking for a real long lasting connection. I wish you only the best.

 

It puts an end to it, no chances of him trying to reach you by email, or with another phone. It's done and over and you took control.

[katiegrl]

Okay, let's not go off the deep end here, let's not go off on him just because it's not a match.

 

Simply change his name to "telemarketer" in your phone and ignore any calls, and delete any texts without looking at them.

 

 

Hey Gary, I'm not going off on him darlin...I am just suggesting she block him... for HER own peace of mind... so she won't be tempted to take him back when/IF he contacts her again.... and to help her move on :)