Childless By Choice

[preraph]

I've never wanted kids. I always assumed (because everyone tells you you will want them later) that I would start wanting them, so I went forward as if I might want kids. I was told early on I probably couldn't have kids, and that was fine with me, so fine that as medicine progressed, I turned down every doctor who offered to start trying to find a way for me to have children. And probably I could have had them through in-vitro or that sort of thing. But I thought, well, when I start wanting them, I'll adopt an older child, maybe even a teenager (naively not seeing why any husband would have other ideas, right?)

 

Anyway, never started wanting them. I have had strong empathy for a couple of teens and preteens that I've sort of mentored over the year, so it's not that I have no nurturing instinct, but I'm happier bestowing it on animals, and always was, ever since childhood. I'm meant to help animals. My personality doesn't lend itself to revolving my life around kids at all. We all have our own different paths. That wasn't mine. But for those who feel that is their calling, well, those who feel that strongly about it, once they're old enough to know they can support them, those are the ones who should have them.

 

I don't lie about it to people. When I was in the late-30s when people did ask frequently, my stock answer was "I got better things to do," or "That's not even on my Top 10 of things I want to do."

 

If you're confident in your own decision, people won't be nearly as likely to bully you about it than if you're apologetic about it or act uncertain.

[preraph]

I thought it might be nice but honestly I wanted teenagers / adult children. I really don't like babies & toddlers.

 

 

We're on the same page there. Especially when I was younger, I had great empathy for troubled teenagers and was good with them. Both of them ended up lifelong friends, though one is now deceased. They had parents. One was gay with an anti-gay abusive father (who probably thought he was doing the right thing) and one was a teenage alcoholic after her best friend died in an accident. She sought me out when she began working where I worked. She and I are best friends still. I was the first person to tell her she was drinking too much (the pot calling the kettle back) but she did get sober on her own a few years later and is now 25 years sober.

 

Babies and toddlers, ptooey, ptooey. It's my worst nightmare.

Edited June 18, 2015 by preraph

[Robert Z]

In the end we couldn't have kids but I don't regret it. I guess with the right woman I might have wanted a family. When I was young I thought I wanted a bunch of kids. Now I thank my lucky stars that the ex never got pregnant. We were both delaying because we really didn't want any. And we delayed until it was no longer a choice.

 

By the time I was in college I was struggling with the idea of having children. I had an English Professor who said I have a responsibility to reproduce! It seemed a bit unfair to dump that on me [smart people need to make babies] but I appreciated that she thought so highly of me. But then a physics professor was arguing about the biggest threat to humanity being a population that exceeds its resources. So the most responsible course of action is to not have children. There is nothing that makes your carbon footprint smaller than not having children. You can never use a fraction of the resources your children and grandchildren, and their children will demand, because there will be so many of them as time goes on. So on a global responsibility basis, people who don't have kids should be awarded a lifetime of unlimited carbon credits!

 

I decided the best course of action was to not have kids and work to help solve problems related to population - food, water, energy. And I've always felt good about that decision; right up until I finally needed to start living for me and being selfish, beginning about 4 years ago.

Edited June 18, 2015 by Robert Z

[devilish innocent]

I don't want kids. If it comes up in conversation, I just say I don't want the responsibility. I guess I'm lucky. I've never had anybody give me a hard time about it. Most people in my area seem to know a lot of childless people.

 

I have seen comments online before which say that childfree by choice people are "selfish". Then they usually go on to mention how people like that really shouldn't be parents, obviously being judgmental. That's the only time I get annoyed at people's opinions. I don't deny some of my reasons for not having children are selfish ones. I just don't see why it would help for me to reproduce when there are plenty of children in the world that need good homes. Unless you've adopted one of those children, I don't think you have any room to judge. Thankfully, the vast majority of parents seem to be much more understanding of child-free people.

[gaius]

I'm a guy so I don't get funny looks or have to explain when I tell people I don't want kids.

[preraph]

I don't want kids. If it comes up in conversation, I just say I don't want the responsibility. I guess I'm lucky. I've never had anybody give me a hard time about it. Most people in my area seem to know a lot of childless people.

 

I have seen comments online before which say that childfree by choice people are "selfish". Then they usually go on to mention how people like that really shouldn't be parents, obviously being judgmental. That's the only time I get annoyed at people's opinions. I don't deny some of my reasons for not having children are selfish ones. I just don't see why it would help for me to reproduce when there are plenty of children in the world that need good homes. Unless you've adopted one of those children, I don't think you have any room to judge. Thankfully, the vast majority of parents seem to be much more understanding of child-free people.

 

What's selfish is trying to foist children on people who are too young to have them or who already know they don't want them or who aren't ready for them. It's selfish because there's no way that's in the child's best interests, having an incompetent or reluctant parent. So if they're not thinking about the child, they can only be thinking about themselves.

[kylle]

I'm in my late 20's (so is my fiancé), and we've sat down and talked many many many times about children, only to end up on the same page:

 

We don't like babies, toddlers, kids, teenagers, so we decided to stay childfree.

 

Of course the entire world kinda goes against us. Family, friends, strangers, everyone with the same talk about how we'll change our minds and how parenting is awesome.

We just shrug it off and stay strong on our decision.

 

Maybe someday we'll change our minds, who knows?

But I'm 100% sure that RIGHT NOW , kids are the very last thing I want in my life.

[nina_x]

I respect people's choice on staying childfree, not everyone was born to become a parent.

 

I just don't get people that say they don't like kids. How is that even possible?

[Brigit1]

I respect people's choice on staying childfree, not everyone was born to become a parent.

 

I just don't get people that say they don't like kids. How is that even possible?

 

It's possible. LOL.

[kylle]

I respect people's choice on staying childfree, not everyone was born to become a parent.

 

I just don't get people that say they don't like kids. How is that even possible?

 

Do you like vomit/poop porn? No? Some people do.

[RedRobin]

I really enjoy kids. Most of them have such an unpolluted view of the world. I love introducing them to new things and adventures... then handing them back to their primary caregivers.

 

 

I don't know how I'd ever be responsible for the life of another human being. It's a task so monumental. I sure do have great respect for those who take on that task with eyes wide open.

 

 

I know I have a lot of love to give. And do to my friends, family, and my community... partly because I'm not chained down to give that love to one or a handful of select little ones full-time.

 

 

It is sad that some people feel that the only way to contribute to a better world is to procreate. That's so wrong, IMHO.

[preraph]

I respect people's choice on staying childfree, not everyone was born to become a parent.

 

I just don't get people that say they don't like kids. How is that even possible?

 

With animals, I really pretty much love all animals and think they're mostly all cute. With kids, I only like the really pleasant well behaved ones and rarely ever think one is cute. And even if I like a kid, say a 5-yr-old, I only want to be around them for, like, 10 minutes, and I want them to go away. I don't like all the activity and attention grabbing.

 

Jeez, at a holiday dinner last year, the younger girl (about 6) who is very social and demands attention all the time, "entertained" everyone the whole time we were there to the point you couldn't even have an adult conversation without her interrupting. So she got lots of love and attention all day from relatives, but that wasn't enough. When the young teen boy, who's been quiet and helpful the whole time, was asked by grandma to show others his latest art drawing, he went and got the pad and we all looked at it and complimented him and while it was going on, the little girl started grabbing objects and shoving them in our faces trying to get the attention back by making them look at her object. Mind you, we'd already done all that earlier. She couldn't get everyone's undivided attention, so she went and punched the art tablet out of her brother's hands onto the floor.

 

Now, as far as little girls go, I think she's cute for about a minute, but I would in no way ever want to have to live with her. And if I did, her behavior would immediately be quelched and she wouldn't be having as much fun under my tutelage. So...not a parent. Her mother is a great person and says no and puts her on time out, but if the girl is really determined, she can just outlast her until she's too tired to monitor her anymore.

[newmoon]

I respect people's choice on staying childfree, not everyone was born to become a parent.

 

I just don't get people that say they don't like kids. How is that even possible?

 

next time you hear that you should get them to specify what age they don't like. most people i have encountered who "don't like kids" actually do like kids, but they tend to have a preference for the age group they don't/do like. most people, even childless ones, are kid-friendly and wouldn't easily walk away from a child who needed help.

[Brigit1]

Jeez, at a holiday dinner last year, the younger girl (about 6) who is very social and demands attention all the time, "entertained" everyone the whole time we were there to the point you couldn't even have an adult conversation without her interrupting. So she got lots of love and attention all day from relatives, but that wasn't enough.

 

At that point I would have faked death to go home.

[Brigit1]

next time you hear that you should get them to specify what age they don't like. most people i have encountered who "don't like kids" actually do like kids, but they tend to have a preference for the age group they don't/do like. most people, even childless ones, are kid-friendly and wouldn't easily walk away from a child who needed help.

 

I love babies. They are so perfect and smell like heaven. The minute they start talking I've lost interest.

 

(Thank God for dogs!)

[sandylee1]

I respect people's choice on staying childfree, not everyone was born to become a parent.

 

I just don't get people that say they don't like kids. How is that even possible?

 

I guess if you see lots of badly behaved kids , that could put you off kids.

 

I had a coworker who always said she didn't like kids, then when my kids were in the area with my husband, she asked me to bring them in . I thought why though, you can't stand kids.

 

Another coworker who knew her a little better, felt her dislike stemmed from her inability to have them and she became negative as a protective mechanism.

 

Like you , I agree it's a personal choice. Some people have kids just because they think they should, as the next step, not because it's what they really want. They don't even show any interest in their own kids.

 

I have a friend who used to be a nanny and one couple she worked for had kids , but barely knew anything about them. The mother would ask my friend what her child liked, her favourite toys etc. Then when she was leaving, she had to tell the new nanny everything about the younger child, because the mother didn't have a clue. My friend felt so bad for the kids.

 

I actually admire people who choose not to have children , where they accept it's not for them for whatever reason.

[still_an_Angel]

I'm a social worker and I applaud responsible adults who give it enough thought about bringing kids into the world. If this is not what they want to do, or don't think they want the responsibility, then this is better for the world. I really don't understand those ones who think that everyone in relationships should be having kids, like we're all supposed to follow this path. Its a huge responsibility and not everyone is designed for it.

 

 

There are many who bring kids into the world and give up along the way and pass on the responsibility to the government or other people/agencies to take up the slack and try to give their kids an equal shot in life.

[kenji_t]

Well...I'm on my mid 30's, married with the most wonderful woman and when we were still dating we agreed that kids are not for us.

 

Both of us don't like children, any children...that can be from 0 to 18 y.o, we have no pacience to deal with them.

Now, we don't hate them, we find them cute for half an hour, max.

 

We tried babysitting for a couple friend of ours three times, but it didn't go well and we became stressed as hell. And that was only one 4y.o girl.

 

Yikes...I can't even imagine myself being a father.

[SerCay]

I don't want kids...I also don't particularly like them. And I also don't like women pretending to adore kids, because they feel they have to prove they are women to society. We owe nothing to no one and I have to prove myself to no one.

 

It's like puppies for me, some I adore, some I can't stand.

Kids do always love me, I'm very good with them, it's parents most times, I can't stand.

 

What I can't stand is people acting as if I will fail in life unless I am married, unless I have kids....that sense of entitlement some people get..I honestly don't understand where it comes from.

 

My own brother is judgmental this way and that's the reason why I don't really like being in his company anymore. He caused it. That's what happens to most people in my surrounding pressuring me on marriage and kids.

 

I never feel the need to hide. I take offense from the fact that the a lot of the people asking, are so judgmental into thinking that "their way is the only way".

 

I always answer that I like to live my life differently.

 

Then I return the question and I ask if they decided to have kids to fill up a void in their life? Since, most parents I know have terrible financial struggles, and marriages that I wouldn't want to be in for a day of my life.

Edited June 29, 2015 by SerCay

[preraph]

In my experience, the doc still wants to be comfortable that you're not going to change your mind. My impression is that most docs would at least be concerned about performing a vasectomy on some guy in his 20s.

 

In my case, the doc was right to ask me some questions, because what the hell did I do five years later? Yes, that's right, get a reversal. And THAT, my friends, hurt like a white-hot bastard.

 

Yes, but did it hurt as much as the child support for kids you might have otherwise been supporting. I think if a person asks for a tubal or vasectomy, they should get one, especially in their 20s when they're likely to make "mistakes." They can always adopt.

[preraph]

At that point I would have faked death to go home.

 

Too many yummy leftovers at stake, plus had to help wash dishes!

[RedRobin]

Yes, but did it hurt as much as the child support for kids you might have otherwise been supporting. I think if a person asks for a tubal or vasectomy, they should get one, especially in their 20s when they're likely to make "mistakes." They can always adopt.

 

Exactly. What business of it is the doctor? Their job is to inform patients, make sure they understand all the risks, and that the patient is of sound mind to make that decision. I don't get this crap about refusing service just based on age... Especially when so much is at stake otherwise. Don't understand this conspiracy to make every healthy adult procreate or pump their body full of hormones to avoid it.

[preraph]

Exactly. What business of it is the doctor? Their job is to inform patients, make sure they understand all the risks, and that the patient is of sound mind to make that decision. I don't get this crap about refusing service just based on age... Especially when so much is at stake otherwise. Don't understand this conspiracy to make every healthy adult procreate or pump their body full of hormones to avoid it.

 

The problem is the same doctors who do it are the same doctors who chose to birth babies for a living, so their perspective is on the extreme end of the spectrum. When I moderated the childfree board, just about everyone said it was impossible to find anyone to do it UNTIL they had one kid!! That's insane! It's not their business. They're not shrinks. They could maybe send you for a quick eval if it would make them feel better. But it's all about they're in the fertility business. There needs to be doctors who aren't all about that. I recommend Planned Parenthood, but I've heard some people say even they were sticky about it. It just depends on the doctor. You have to keep looking. If it were me, I'd make phone calls all over but start with PP.

[beatcuff]

The problem is the same doctors who do it are the same doctors who chose to birth babies for a living, so their perspective is on the extreme end of the spectrum. When I moderated the childfree board, just about everyone said it was impossible to find anyone to do it UNTIL they had one kid!! That's insane! It's not their business. They're not shrinks. They could maybe send you for a quick eval if it would make them feel better. But it's all about they're in the fertility business. There needs to be doctors who aren't all about that. I recommend Planned Parenthood, but I've heard some people say even they were sticky about it. It just depends on the doctor. You have to keep looking. If it were me, I'd make phone calls all over but start with PP.

 

or maybe they have sat across the desk from a 28 year old woman who had it done and have to 'consult' them on the bleak odds of reversing it.

 

you made a choice, great. why should a doctor automatically 'just carry it out'. BTW there are many doctors that refuse to do back or knee operations until an obese patient 'lost weight'.

 

the assumption is "i will never change". and yet there is staggering evidence IN YOUR OWN LIFE you do. fine maybe on this one topic you will not. but, as the doctors have no doubt mentioned (and is being ignored here) there are numerous safe and reversible and cheaper options to stop a pregnancy.

[RedRobin]

The problem is the same doctors who do it are the same doctors who chose to birth babies for a living, so their perspective is on the extreme end of the spectrum. When I moderated the childfree board, just about everyone said it was impossible to find anyone to do it UNTIL they had one kid!! That's insane! It's not their business. They're not shrinks. They could maybe send you for a quick eval if it would make them feel better. But it's all about they're in the fertility business. There needs to be doctors who aren't all about that. I recommend Planned Parenthood, but I've heard some people say even they were sticky about it. It just depends on the doctor. You have to keep looking. If it were me, I'd make phone calls all over but start with PP.

 

Yep, also the same doctors who get you coming back to them every year until you are 50 or so to refill the birth control pills or check on that IUD.

 

So, yea, they have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo... Not getting rid of 'customers'. The underlying sexism is what gets me... How they can deign to tell me I don't know my own mind. F*ckers. Like you said, they could require a psych eval first if they were all that concerned about it.

 

Good advice on starting with Planned Parenthood. And any other resource devoted to responsible family planning. Those organizations are there because they understand and have experience first hand with women who have faced the very negative consequences of an unplanned pregnancy.