skweezd Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Hello Loveshackers, I am in a 5 year relationship with a wonderful man. We are both in our late 40's and both have adult children. We are two months away from the youngest heading off to college and us becoming empty nesters. There hasn't been a weekend that has gone by that we aren't busy sailing or hiking or roadtripping or hosting a picnic. He treats me like a princess. Life is good. Here's what's upsetting me lately.... I started off this relationship not really caring if I was ever married again, and I was quite vocal about staying independent. That changed over time and after living together for two years, I am feeling a huge void because we are not engaged. He states that his commitment to me is unquestionable and he does not need a paper signed by the US Government to prove it. I wish I wasn't feeling so strongly about having the ring and a simple ceremony and having his hand in marriage but I am. How can I get over this feeling of inadequacy due to a lack of a ring and proposal? And is it really worth leaving just because this one small piece of the puzzle is missing? Signed Frustrated forever "girlfriend" Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Perhaps you could compromise with a commitment ring? You could wear it on the same finger but it will have a symbolic meaning rather than an official one. It depends how strongly you both feel about the issue and why. Either way it is an issue that needs to be resolved before it causes problems in your relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I understand you entered the relationship feeling different and now you've changed...ok. If he's committed to you why can't you tell him that's what you want? If it's a deal breaker for him I really question his commitment in the long run. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 see, people change, they evolve in different directions. It seems that, irrelevant of the wife vrs gf status, you have a deep emotional need he is not responding to. It's not about the marriage, it's about how you feel about, what it means to you. Of course he's on his best behavior, he feels your hesitations and most likely is aware of your train of thought. There isn't anything anyone on this site can tell you to help you out. How do YOU feel? What do YOU need? What's important to YOU? Please don't sell yourself short and don't settle. Be true to yourself and you will be happy. In the end, it's about feel fulfilled and accomplished. Happy in a RS with your partner. If, for whatever reason he's failing to make you feel happy and accomplished... you know what you need to do. Best of luck, you're setting off to a long but immensely rewarding journey: that of knowing and understanding yourself. cheers! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Also, it's not about having the governments approval LOL it's about you feeling like he's willing to put a ring on your finger and make your relationship binding and legal for YOU. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Also, it's not about having the governments approval LOL it's about you feeling like he's willing to put a ring on your finger and make your relationship binding and legal for YOU. Yeah, I have to admit that throw-away excuse some of them use about it being 'just a piece of paper' is so lame. If it's such a "NOTHING," then why such an aversion to it? I've always been of the opinion that if I'm not good enough to marry, then I'm certainly not good enough to wash your dirty underwear, cook your meals, scrub your toilets, clean your house, birth your children or contribute to the household expenses. Luckily, I've never been with someone like this. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 If the relationship is good, let it rest. If it really is that important to you, then ask for it, but be prepared to lose him. Marriage is a lousy deal for men these days, quite honestly. Perhaps offer a prenup. That could be what makes it possible and acceptable for him, so he's assured his family will inherit should he die before you, and he can also be free of worry about alimony and splitting assets (that would otherwise go to his kids) should the marriage fail (statistically, second marriages have over a 50% chance of breaking up). I think that too often, marriage is the start of taking each other for granted, and the start of the decline of the relationship. We married, but only because of practical matters such as obtaining health insurance. We are no more committed because we married, and we addressed various negatives of marriage through wills and other legal agreements. We are together because we want to be, not because some legal registration makes it hard for us to get out if it ever becomes necessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I've always been of the opinion that if I'm not good enough to marry, then I'm certainly not good enough to wash your dirty underwear, cook your meals, scrub your toilets, clean your house, birth your children or contribute to the household expenses. Can I like that part 1000 times ? Amen and may it stay with all women reading this thread. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Yeah, I have to admit that throw-away excuse some of them use about it being 'just a piece of paper' is so lame. If it's such a "NOTHING," then why such an aversion to it? I've always been of the opinion that if I'm not good enough to marry, then I'm certainly not good enough to wash your dirty underwear, cook your meals, scrub your toilets, clean your house, birth your children or contribute to the household expenses. Luckily, I've never been with someone like this. Are you saying, if you are married, you would be willingly do these things without asking for help and be happy about it? It would not be "my toilet" or "my house" if you live here too. My children? That's 50% yours too. If you don't live here, you wouldn't need to contribute to the household expenses. What has the world come to? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Yeah, I have to admit that throw-away excuse some of them use about it being 'just a piece of paper' is so lame. If it's such a "NOTHING," then why such an aversion to it? I've always been of the opinion that if I'm not good enough to marry, then I'm certainly not good enough to wash your dirty underwear, cook your meals, scrub your toilets, clean your house, birth your children or contribute to the household expenses. Luckily, I've never been with someone like this. Same here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Yeah, I have to admit that throw-away excuse some of them use about it being 'just a piece of paper' is so lame. If it's such a "NOTHING," then why such an aversion to it? I've always been of the opinion that if I'm not good enough to marry, then I'm certainly not good enough to wash your dirty underwear, cook your meals, scrub your toilets, clean your house, birth your children or contribute to the household expenses. Luckily, I've never been with someone like this. Because we don't need a piece of paper saying we love eachother to feel that way. If you love some one, you love them. There is no reason for a man to get married, but I certainly understand why women push so hard for it. They get the better end of the deal. If the marriage is failing, all she has to do is back out and no matter what it is, she will be awarded it in court. No thanks. If you need a legal.binding agreement just to believe in my love then we are not right for eachother. That Is how I feel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 No living together for me unless we're married. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 No living together for me unless we're married. How are you supposed to tell if you can marry some one if you won't live with them before hand? Sounds like a trap. A Shrouded deal where I can't see what I'm getting into until it's too late. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 When I married, it had nothing to do with getting "the better end of the deal." It was because I was committed and planned to spend my life with him. He was committed and planned to spend his life with me. It was about the promise, not the paper. I get that some people don't "believe in marriage" or whatever, but this whole theme of women wanting a good deal and trapping the poor man is insulting after awhile to those of us who do not think that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 When I married, it had nothing to do with getting "the better end of the deal." It was because I was committed and planned to spend my life with him. He was committed and planned to spend his life with me. It was about the promise, not the paper. I get that some people don't "believe in marriage" or whatever, but this whole theme of women wanting a good deal and trapping the poor man is insulting after awhile to those of us who do not think that way. There comes a point when everyone, man and woman, must look around and examine what is happening in the world and then think about how it relates to you and your life. I look around and see horrible marriages, divorce, men getting raped in the separations... When I see these things, it makes me not want to marry a woman. Not because I think SHE personally is out to get me, but because this is the way the world works now. I have to be cognizant of that and I need to do everything I can to protect myself, my heart, and my assets from this garbage. There a lot of men that believe this way too. We want to love, we don't want to be held hostage with that love. We want it to be mutual and organic. I'm not afraid of commitment. I'm afraid that no other person on the face of the planet can love me as much as I am capable of loving them. Waking up one day to a wife who isn't interested anymore, goes out and cheats, or just wants a divorce is scarier to me than being alone forever, so I'll choose the latter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Well, yeah, cause it's always easier to get our of a rental or a loaner than it is a binding commitment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Well, yeah, cause it's always easier to get our of a rental or a loaner than it is a binding commitment. And its always easier to enter a binding commitment when you know no matter what happens, you will come out ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 And its always easier to enter a binding commitment when you know no matter what happens, you will come out ahead. Finances were irrelevant in my case because my kids were older, and I asked for zero alimony or anything like that. Regarding coming out ahead....I was about 20 years older, with decades of sexless depression, lots of painful memories, people strangely fixated on making my life miserable, friends who dumped me because I was "sinful" for leaving, body and brain ravaged by unnecessary meds I was afraid to stop taking because he wanted me on them, and lots and lots of therapy. Not real sure I came out ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I'm only trying to give the OP a peek into the mindset of why men don't want to get married. Obviously, there are several reasons why, but a common one is the view I am expressing. If we are to view the desire of a woman to get married for emotional reasons as valid, then why can we not view the concern of a man who doesn't want to get married for practical reasons as valid? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 If he makes or has more saved than you and you are worried about your financial future should he most likely die before you, I would bring it up. It is a valid concern. Wives and ex wives, if they don't remarry, can collect 100% on their deceased husband or still living ex husband's, respectively, social security if they were married for at least ten years. There are legal benefits to marriage. Instead of marriage he could take out a life insurance policy with you as beneficiary or put you in his will. These are important matters for loved ones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Unless there's significant financial or other benefits such as immigration, why people still want to get married is beyond me. Marriage is dead ever since we allowed divorce. It's stupid to get married today without a prenup then what's the point of being marriage then? I can't imagine how ridiculous and hypocritical I would be, when on day 1, I swear to all the gods that I'd be faithful and loyal to my marriage till death do our apart, and then a few years later filing for divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 OP, if you are looking at it financially then I would look at the flip side as well. If you are younger than him and die then he loses your income as well as a helpmate in his older years. If you are working I would take out a life insurance policy on yourself with him as beneficiary. Risks and financial caring go both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 How are you supposed to tell if you can marry some one if you won't live with them before hand? Sounds like a trap. A Shrouded deal where I can't see what I'm getting into until it's too late. Yes, the heart (mind) is fickle but most things in life are a gamble, for ME better to gamble and lose than never try. I've been happily trapped for years! How does it go...'' I chased her until she caught me'' 4 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) Yes, the heart (mind) is fickle but most things in life are a gamble, for ME better to gamble and lose than never try. I've been happily trapped for years! How does it go...'' I chased her until she caught me'' Right but Vegas has a hell lot of better odds!!! And you don't have to wait 10 or 20 years to find out you are wining or losing. Edited June 16, 2015 by berniev Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Right but Vegas has a hell lot of better odds!!! Yeah, you can tell by all the rundown casinos LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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