Josmatjes Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 It's rare that the wife is horrible, or he'd be out of there trying to get custody of his kids. Most marriages have ups and downs, and you have to remember that MMs are giving OW clues about his character with his lies and behavior towards his wife. Many MM paint a picture of a wife that doesn't get him, who doesn't want to have sex with him, is cold to him- but he leaves out the years of disappointments and broken promises. He doesn't admit to the irresponsible, weak and selfish behavior that led to that resentment between them. This isn't to say his wife is a saint, but he avoids trying to resolve the conflict in his marriage, and instead finds someone who doesn't know he's weak and selfish, someone who believes in him (because he hasn't disappointed her yet). OW sees him as a great guy at first, because she doesn't really know him (his bad side) yet. As the affair goes on and the promises start being broken, she gets glimpses of his selfishness and weakness. She realizes he lies to her, too. He's not there when she needs him. It's all about him and his comfort level. She begins to hold him accountable (like his wife), and he avoids resolving these conflicts, too, because he's weak. So the OW ends up perpetually disappointed, and her resentment towards him builds. These MM aren't worthy. Their own issues make them bad husbands/ boyfriends, for any woman. There are good men out there that aren't conflict avoidant or weak, and have integrity, who are in the right frame of mind for a real, honest relationship. Damn! Your good!! Lol 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 It's rare that the wife is horrible, or he'd be out of there trying to get custody of his kids. Most marriages have ups and downs, and you have to remember that MMs are giving OW clues about his character with his lies and behavior towards his wife. Many MM paint a picture of a wife that doesn't get him, who doesn't want to have sex with him, is cold to him- but he leaves out the years of disappointments and broken promises. He doesn't admit to the irresponsible, weak and selfish behavior that led to that resentment between them. This isn't to say his wife is a saint, but he avoids trying to resolve the conflict in his marriage, and instead finds someone who doesn't know he's weak and selfish, someone who believes in him (because he hasn't disappointed her yet). OW sees him as a great guy at first, because she doesn't really know him (his bad side) yet. As the affair goes on and the promises start being broken, she gets glimpses of his selfishness and weakness. She realizes he lies to her, too. He's not there when she needs him. It's all about him and his comfort level. She begins to hold him accountable (like his wife), and he avoids resolving these conflicts, too, because he's weak. So the OW ends up perpetually disappointed, and her resentment towards him builds. These MM aren't worthy. Their own issues make them bad husbands/ boyfriends, for any woman. There are good men out there that aren't conflict avoidant or weak, and have integrity, who are in the right frame of mind for a real, honest relationship. Quiet, Very good post, especially for the OP, which seems appropriate. I just want to point out that there's many reasons for an affair. And we really don't know the details to determine "fault" here (if that's what we're looking for). There are both men and women that choose to have an affair, regardless of how good their marriage is... and there are others, where the marriage was broken long before the affair, and lot's in-between. I sure lean on "the heck with the MM and his wife", we really don't know the whole story, nor do we care. The first order of business is the recover and mental health for the OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Quiet, Very good post, especially for the OP, which seems appropriate. I just want to point out that there's many reasons for an affair. And we really don't know the details to determine "fault" here (if that's what we're looking for). There are both men and women that choose to have an affair, regardless of how good their marriage is... and there are others, where the marriage was broken long before the affair, and lot's in-between. I sure lean on "the heck with the MM and his wife", we really don't know the whole story, nor do we care. The first order of business is the recover and mental health for the OP. True! There are so many different reasons. And no one goes into it thinking they are going to hurt anyone, it's really ridiculous. The bottom line is, nothing good can come of an affair. It hurts so many people too many to count. I'm a ow and I cannot even tell you how much I regret it! I am so mad at myself. I have forgiven myself but it's changed me forever. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm afraid to talk to any husbands for fear they will think something or their wives will. I was never like that! I have absolutely no feelings for the mm. I don't wish him bad things, I just don't care anymore! Took me 13 months to get here and it was a long road of self discovery. Op you will get there eventually... Link to post Share on other sites
StrungOut1975 Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 True! There are so many different reasons. And no one goes into it thinking they are going to hurt anyone, it's really ridiculous. The bottom line is, nothing good can come of an affair. It hurts so many people too many to count. I'm a ow and I cannot even tell you how much I regret it! I am so mad at myself. I have forgiven myself but it's changed me forever. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm afraid to talk to any husbands for fear they will think something or their wives will. I was never like that! I have absolutely no feelings for the mm. I don't wish him bad things, I just don't care anymore! Took me 13 months to get here and it was a long road of self discovery. Op you will get there eventually... Ditto on how A's change you forever. Mentally and emotionally it is a sickening ordeal. I legitimately do not feel "well" and am counting the days until I don't have to see him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Ditto on how A's change you forever. Mentally and emotionally it is a sickening ordeal. I legitimately do not feel "well" and am counting the days until I don't have to see him again. I agree with the "not feel well" as I haven't for awhile. But I woke up this morning and something had changed - the "fog" or whatever it was (God I hate that word) had lifted and my brain is working again... and I realize how completely stupid it all was. Now, thankfully, I feel good and on the right path. I hope the same is happening for you too LP. Thinking of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I agree with the "not feel well" as I haven't for awhile. But I woke up this morning and something had changed - the "fog" or whatever it was (God I hate that word) had lifted and my brain is working again... and I realize how completely stupid it all was. Now, thankfully, I feel good and on the right path. I hope the same is happening for you too LP. Thinking of you. I started feeling better when I completely blocked him. I also don't think of it at all. It's like it happened a lifetime ago. If I let it it in my head it makes me anxious! Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 True! There are so many different reasons. And no one goes into it thinking they are going to hurt anyone, it's really ridiculous. The bottom line is, nothing good can come of an affair. It hurts so many people too many to count. I'm a ow and I cannot even tell you how much I regret it! I am so mad at myself. I have forgiven myself but it's changed me forever. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm afraid to talk to any husbands for fear they will think something or their wives will. I was never like that! I have absolutely no feelings for the mm. I don't wish him bad things, I just don't care anymore! Took me 13 months to get here and it was a long road of self discovery. Op you will get there eventually... I could argue that occasionally some good comes from an affair, it all depends, and how things happen. I went thru one, I didn't even know what an affair was when I did it. I just told the wife that I was going to look for a GF for emotional support, and she had no problem and even encouraged me. (We were totally broken at that time). It worked out great (not without issues, but the comfort of having someone care and be with me was worth it. It may or may not have been a wake up call for the wife when the divorce was final, but she totally changed her world around as is a different person today and we are back together. The GF that I had the affair with was a wonderful person and got involved in an EA after she knew my marriage was ended. Perhaps a bit soon, but worked. We would still be together today, if she had not brought some major issues with her from previous relationships..... but not the point. There are several affairs out there that turn into long term loving relationships..... (however, the odds are against that). It all depends...... Link to post Share on other sites
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