heatherjanette28 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Hello, I have been dating my boyfriend (whom I have been good friends with for almost 8 years) for about a year now. I am 26 years old. A little background on him, he's in his early thirties and going through a rough custody battle with his ex wife. His daughter is almost two. His wife left when the baby was 5 months and long story short, she made up disgusting lies about him and his entire family, all of which were disproved in court by the judge. The custody battle is never ending but it should be over with soon, as per his lawyer. They have shared custody but he hardly has any time with his daughter(two hours at a time, 6 on alternating Saturdays). I adore his daughter, she is the light of my life. I want nothing more than to be a positive role model for her and just there for her. It's a pretty scary and daunting thing to be thrown into this sort of situation in the first place and I am trying my best. His ex wife and him dated 5 months when she got pregnant while on the pill. She said they had to be married due to her Christian beliefs and that is what they did. She told his mother that she was going to marry him no matter what. Now, I am quite aware a relationship takes two people and I do not judge his ex wife. I will always respect her and be kind to her even if she is not so nice to me. That being said, my boyfriends mother is very overbearing. At first, I thought it was due to the divorce but now I'm seeing that is just thow she is. I can also see how it cause issues in a marriage. She goes to every court hearing and lawyers apt. with him, she pays his lawyer fees, he lives in their rental property, his parents pay his phone as well as some other bills. It is very sweet of them to help him out, but I feel they are dependent on one another. She recently gave him a credit card in her name to use as well. Every little problem he has he calls his mother. If something is broken, if something happened at work, anything regarding his ex etc. Even when we have gotten in silly, pointless arguments and he always makes me out to be the bad guy. To be quite honest, the last fight we got into he told his mom everything horrible I said (out of anger, as we all do ) and then she messaged me on facebook telling me to back off and give him time. She is constantly talking about the divorce, the custody battle and bad mouthing his ex wife. She has even done so in front of my family, at dinner, birthday parties, xmas etc. I do not find this to be appropriate at all. Period. I do not bad mouth exs or anyone quite frankly. She says how she wanted to "get rid of her" and she did just that. She also tells me what to do in a sense. She tells me to make sure he applies for such and such job, that the ex wife didn't want him to follow his dreams, she ruined his life, and that she wants to make sure he doesn't do that again. But then of course she reminds me, I am nothing like the ex wife. She constantly interrupts me and ignores me when I try to spark a conversation with her as well as my mother. She also told me I am too independent (I work full time and go to school full time) and that if I live like that , I'll never be married. I'll be alone and miserable. She said that fully knowing my mom is a single parent and uninterested in remarrying (my father passed shortly after the divorce). She then made a comment about my mothers situation too. Which hurt my mothers feelings. But my mom didn't say anything. Frankly, his ex wife depended on him too much. She didn't work, he paid her bills etc. Now due to the divorce, he is in debt. What exactly is wrong with me supporting myself and holding my own? Her son is not capable of such a thing at the moment. Another thing, his parents are over constantly. He has his daughter three times a week after work, as well as every other Saturday. They are there every single time. That is understandable, but I'd like some alone time with him and his daughter to bond. Also, the majority of the time, that is the only time I see him. Our only time alone is usually a Sunday or a few hours on a Tuesday when I get off work.he also rarely spends time with my mom and I. (That's all the family I have here, my family lives elsewhere). I brought this up to him and inintially he was angry. Said we needed to break up if I feel like he doesn't care etc. Then he told his parents we need some alone time and I had one day. Which was improvement. I also gathered everyone for brunch recently. And right away his mom decided to tell everyone she thought I was pregnant because I planned this brunch. She went on and on. Saying she'd need to be prepared. That she was nervous. She said she asked her son several times prior to this brunch and he assured her I am not. I found it pretty inappropriate. Everyone seemed speechless. I assured her I am not an idiot, I'd never do that, I have priorities and bringing a child into the situation currently would be a bad idea. Last example. but a few weeks ago she said she wanted him to move back home. That his lawyer suggested it saying it would be a good idea for him to save money and the best for his daughter. She waited til he left to tell me this. Said how it would be such a good idea and she wants him to do so. She kept repeating how he is broke, somewhat implying I am not aware of this. I reminder her I help him out, I help him out with things for his daughter as well, and the last few trips we went on (day trips) I paid for, fully. I spoke with him, he said he will never move back home and to drop it. I understand not everyone is perfect and she is honestly a sweet woman it is just super overwhelming. How do I handle it? The custody battle is stressful to me and then when I add his mother into the mix, it becomes so much worse. I have backed off a bit, as in I don't come over as much when they are there. He wants me to move in soon, but I need this to improve before I can. I am sick of hearing about the divorce and her speaking ill of the ex wife. I feel really horrible that I feel this way, mind you. Suggestions? Sorry for the long rant in advance! Haha.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Just to let you know that in the 'contest' between you and her, your BF will ALWAYS side with his mother. Always. Just to prepare you for this. This is both predictable and inevitable. His mother came first and she always will. 2
Author heatherjanette28 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Just to let you know that in the 'contest' between you and her, your BF will ALWAYS side with his mother. Always. Just to prepare you for this. This is both predictable and inevitable. His mother came first and she always will. Thank you for the reply. I do feel like its a contest. This is why I am so scared for the future if things don't change. And I honestly don't think they will. The question now is whether or not I am capable of dealing with that.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Ah. Yes. you are in a lose-lose situation... If you back out now, she will confirm how flaky you are, that you weren't right for him and that 'she never was a nice girl, anyway'.... If you stick it out, you will always be second fiddle. The only way to really discover just how much he values her over you, is to actually confront her, one day. Wait until she says or does something which obviously belittles you or undervalues you, in front of him.... Bite back. Retaliate and let her know you will not tolerate this situation any longer. It's risky, but he will either be for you, or against you. And then you will know for sure, where your path lies. 2
pteromom Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) Every little problem he has he calls his mother. If something is broken, if something happened at work, anything regarding his ex etc. Even when we have gotten in silly, pointless arguments and he always makes me out to be the bad guy. To be quite honest, the last fight we got into he told his mom everything horrible I said (out of anger, as we all do ) and then she messaged me on facebook telling me to back off and give him time. One, you aren't going to change your bf's closeness to his mom. That's a deeply ingrained part of their relationship. Dependent on each other? Absolutely! Accepting him means you accept this about him. However - he should NOT be telling his mom about the private issues in your relationship! He needs to find an outside friend to vent to when he needs to vent or get relationship advice. If your relationship goes well and you end up married, this woman will be in your life forever. She does not need to know the details of your arguments and issues. Definitely talk to him about that. Tell him it is inappropriate as you have to look his mother in the eye when you are with her. Hopefully he listens. If not, you may have a bigger problem on your hands than a normal close mother/son relationship. She is constantly talking about the divorce, the custody battle and bad mouthing his ex wife. She has even done so in front of my family, at dinner, birthday parties, xmas etc. I do not find this to be appropriate at all. Period. I do not bad mouth exs or anyone quite frankly. She says how she wanted to "get rid of her" and she did just that. She also tells me what to do in a sense. She tells me to make sure he applies for such and such job, that the ex wife didn't want him to follow his dreams, she ruined his life, and that she wants to make sure he doesn't do that again. But then of course she reminds me, I am nothing like the ex wife. Learn to say "uh huh" "really?" "wow" "Ok" "that's interesting" (a great phrase when you do not want to make any comment on what someone is saying. And just let all of this roll off your back. Other good responses: "Thanks. I have never thought about it like that before." or "Thanks for the idea." Means - I hear you, but I am not going to take your advice. She also told me I am too independent (I work full time and go to school full time) and that if I live like that , I'll never be married. See? "Huh. I've never thought about it like that before. Thanks for your input." She feels heard. You've responded. You can now go about your life. Done and done. She then made a comment about my mothers situation too. Which hurt my mothers feelings. But my mom didn't say anything. "Mom, she is completely clueless when it comes to this. You can't let her comments get to you." Another thing, his parents are over constantly. He has his daughter three times a week after work, as well as every other Saturday. They are there every single time. That is understandable, but I'd like some alone time with him and his daughter to bond.Talk to your bf more about this. Don't ask him not to have his parents come over... just to compromise. Perhaps they can come over for dinner, then leave, so you have the rest of the evening with him. I brought this up to him and inintially he was angry. Said we needed to break up if I feel like he doesn't care etc. He felt defensive. Whatever you said came across as saying he doesn't care. Always frame your issues talking about what YOU need. Not saying anything is wrong with him or his parents. I also gathered everyone for brunch recently. And right away his mom decided to tell everyone she thought I was pregnant because I planned this brunch. She went on and on. Saying she'd need to be prepared. That she was nervous. She said she asked her son several times prior to this brunch and he assured her I am not. I found it pretty inappropriate. Everyone seemed speechless. I assured her I am not an idiot, I'd never do that, I have priorities and bringing a child into the situation currently would be a bad idea. Sounds like you handled it well. Not much you can do to make her less crazy. Last example. but a few weeks ago she said she wanted him to move back home. That his lawyer suggested it saying it would be a good idea for him to save money and the best for his daughter. She waited til he left to tell me this. Said how it would be such a good idea and she wants him to do so. She kept repeating how he is broke, somewhat implying I am not aware of this. I reminder her I help him out, I help him out with things for his daughter as well, and the last few trips we went on (day trips) I paid for, fully. I spoke with him, he said he will never move back home and to drop it. She is welcome to her opinions. As long as he is continuing to live his life as he wants, she can want him to move back home all she wants. He wants me to move in soon, but I need this to improve before I can. Other than HIS part in it, it won't. His mom is who she is. Edited June 10, 2015 by pteromom 1
Author heatherjanette28 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 One, you aren't going to change your bf's closeness to his mom. That's a deeply ingrained part of their relationship. Dependent on each other? Absolutely! Accepting him means you accept this about him. . Thank you, all wonderful advice. I should note, I did tell him not to tell her our personal business. I said he should call his best friend when he needs to vent. He said hes always done this, and always will. Ugh! Also, recently while cleaning his place (he's always working so I do this to help him out) his daughter threw some papers around. I should not have read this but I did. They were emails between his ex wife (while they were married) and his parents. I wish I hadn't read them. Basically, while married they opened a business and his parents decided to give his wife advice via email. They were telling her what to do though and implying it wont work out. They also told her he needs a better job and that he needs to do the job they want him to do. Quite honestly the entire email was a page long of forced suggestions. She then replied to this in a calm and caring manner, no disrespect. She said they should allow him to choose his career path, not force him to do something he doesn't wish to do. That he's a grown man and knows what he is doing and they can discuss things as a family. Well, their reply was awful. Insulting, disrespectful, telling her she is wrong, that they won't put up with that behavior etc. I realized at that point I will never be allowed to give my 2 cents without it being taken the wrong way. It was very overboard! Also, he had his parents back on this fully. I do appreciate your advice. I am going to need to learn how to handle this properly for sure as I do love this man. I think nod and smile will be my new motto along with your advice. Thank you! 1
Author heatherjanette28 Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Ah. Yes. you are in a lose-lose situation... If you back out now, she will confirm how flaky you are, that you weren't right for him and that 'she never was a nice girl, anyway'.... If you stick it out, you will always be second fiddle. The only way to really discover just how much he values her over you, is to actually confront her, one day. Wait until she says or does something which obviously belittles you or undervalues you, in front of him.... Bite back. Retaliate and let her know you will not tolerate this situation any longer. It's risky, but he will either be for you, or against you. And then you will know for sure, where your path lies. Very good idea. Thank you! :-)
pteromom Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I said he should call his best friend when he needs to vent. He said hes always done this, and always will. Ugh! This would be a dealbreaker for me. Most of the stuff you mentioned, I could deal with. But having to be on my best behavior at all times, lest Mommy Dearest get involved in our arguments? NO thank you. If he won't change his behavior on this, that is also a big ol' red flag that he is willing to hurt you when it costs him nothing to change his behavior. He would have to do NOTHING but simply stop sharing intimate personal details with his mom, and he's not even willing to do that. Nope. Also, recently while cleaning his place (he's always working so I do this to help him out) his daughter threw some papers around. I should not have read this but I did. They were emails between his ex wife (while they were married) and his parents. I wish I hadn't read them. Basically, while married they opened a business and his parents decided to give his wife advice via email. They were telling her what to do though and implying it wont work out. They also told her he needs a better job and that he needs to do the job they want him to do. Quite honestly the entire email was a page long of forced suggestions. She then replied to this in a calm and caring manner, no disrespect. She said they should allow him to choose his career path, not force him to do something he doesn't wish to do. That he's a grown man and knows what he is doing and they can discuss things as a family. Well, their reply was awful. Insulting, disrespectful, telling her she is wrong, that they won't put up with that behavior etc. I realized at that point I will never be allowed to give my 2 cents without it being taken the wrong way. It was very overboard! Also, he had his parents back on this fully. You already know all this. You already know they are critical and hateful. You already know he will always take their side. The only question is are you willing to sign up for it? I do appreciate your advice. I am going to need to learn how to handle this properly for sure as I do love this man. I think nod and smile will be my new motto along with your advice. Thank you! Smile and nod is good up to a point. Just don't sell yourself out. That saying "Sometimes love just ain't enough" is a saying for a reason. You can love someone with all your heart and still not be capable of creating a happy relationship with them. 2
Grewd Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I can relate to your boyfriends situation minus the ex and the child. I'm going to propose what I believe might have happened, it's a minor change in your story. His mother made his ex's life sour and miserable, he let her and his ex responded in kind to the mothers bad behavior. That response may be what you see as disgusting lies now, it may also be how you end up seeing him down the line. I have a mother that acts in a similarly intrusive, inappropriate, inconsiderate and controlling manner. It's indeed extremely difficult and stressful for a guy to fully comprehend just how destructive someone you're expected to fully trust actually is, let alone put boundaries and/or rip yourself away entirely. This is mainly why in a loyalty conflict the mother usually wins, it's more or less a rule however there's exceptions. I'm such an exception and I can tell you I let my mother get away with a lot, until I realized my life was going down the drain, everyone ran away, I became negative and cynical and damn near lost my job from all the stress. It's a long hard road to recover from something like this, because as mentioned the bond runs deep and thus the feeling of betrayal is equally deep seated. Anyways I ended up telling her to stay far far far away from me and not to contact me. I did it because I wanted to spare myself and the girl I will love the trouble you're having now, when I do find one. It's not ok in any way to tear down someone's independence, it's not ok to assume inappropriate things, it's not ok for her to tell you or her son what to do. Doing so undermines your independence as well as further undermining his. It's also fully possible if not even better for two independent people to form a relationship. His angry response to spending time without his mom present and to spend more time with you and your mom is a huge red flag if you ask me. I probably would have responded similarly if I was still in contact with my mom. He might have difficulty understanding boundaries the way you do, as evident by him not stopping his mother. This can cause major complications for your relationship down the line as he might not respond appropriately to your boundaries, and he may act passive aggressively towards you as he might have trouble expressing his. I highly doubt (don't prefer saying impossible) that you'll win over his mother. I didn't snap out of it before failing to initiate 5 relationships, being rejected countless times, feeling immeasurable emotional pain and spending 2 years to find myself again. I won't decide for you since you already have someone who tries to do that (yes, bad joke), but I'll give you the alternatives with probable consequences based on my knowing of my former self. If you do decide to stay with him you'll have to choose to either prepare for a very stressful struggle, play games with his mom or give yourself up and roll with everything. The last alternative is to end the relationship or go back to being friends, however I guess he (governed by his hateful mother) wouldn't accept being friends. Step carefully, mother issues is a very sensitive subject. I hope you figure things out
almond Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) If a man went running to his mummy to badmouth me after a petty argument, I'd be packing his diaper bag, handing it back to her, and then I'd be on my merry way. Broke, has a child, depends on his parents for literally everything...ugh. And you say you're "helping" him out by paying for things for him as well as his daughter? And he already lives rent free, bills paid, credit card provided? All this for a man who is in his thirties, and is a father? No thanks. This guy seems to have been enabled more than enough as it is...don't join that club. You are working, studying, and seem to have a decent head on your shoulders. Run for the hills - you won't be happy fighting with a mother to care for her manchild for the rest of your life. EDIT: I assume this is the same guy from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/466078-talking-friend-several-years Guy sounds like a straight up loser. You can do much, much better. Edited June 11, 2015 by almond 2
johndoe2 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Just to let you know that in the 'contest' between you and her, your BF will ALWAYS side with his mother. Always. Just to prepare you for this. This is both predictable and inevitable. His mother came first and she always will. Personally, if I liked a girl enough, I'd tell my mother to shut up and live with it if she made herself that much of an issue. I am probably one in a million in this respect though, since my parents were very laissez faire in raising me and strongly emphasized self-reliance in my childhood; once you're an adult, it's time to move on, and parents have to back off. These days, of course, sadly, many people continue to be dependent on their parents into their 30s and never become psychologically independent from them. You could try ignoring the mother, and just rolling your eyes at her, and accept her as one of those annoyances that is just a part of life, like a wart that won't go away. Or you could talk with your boyfriend and demand that he respect the confidentiality of what you tell him, and tell him you're finished if you hear your words repeated by his mother ever again. It certainly doesn't sound like she can keep his secrets, so if he does go behind your back to her even after you warn him, he's probably not that bright.
GoBlue Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I understand not everyone is perfect and she is honestly a sweet woman it is just super overwhelming. How do I handle it? The custody battle is stressful to me and then when I add his mother into the mix, it becomes so much worse. I have backed off a bit, as in I don't come over as much when they are there. He wants me to move in soon, but I need this to improve before I can. I am sick of hearing about the divorce and her speaking ill of the ex wife. I feel really horrible that I feel this way, mind you. There is absolutely no reason for you to "feel horrible that I feel this way." I have some pretty eye opening news for you, if you think it's bad now wait until you marry him or move-in. Over-bearing people, especially mother-in-laws, don't usually flip a switch and start acting different the closer you get to her son. The best (and really only) hope that this will change is if your boyfriend decides to put an end to it. Here is an excerpt from an article I found about this issue (written from a husband/wife perspective, but the principle is the same): "Since this is your mother-in-law and not your mother, it's crucial that you and your husband agree on a course of action. The two of you should sit down with his mom and let her know that things are going to be different in your relationship from this point forward. Your husband should take the lead in this conversation. He should tell his mother that her constant sniping at you hurts him deeply and that he is no longer willing to accept it. He should make it clear that unless she can make a sincere effort to change her attitude and behavior, she will no longer be welcome in your home." Another great way to look at this objectively is to read a book which deals with this kind of an issue. Two options are: Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and The Mother-In-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? by Annie Chapman. I know that all of these books are from the perspective of a married couple, but this is what you can expect if you move forward in this relationship. By the way, if you are hoping to get married, please reconsider moving in with him. Don't you think that fixing the issues that already exist should be front-and-center in your thinking? I hope this has been helpful. If you want to read the entire article from which I gave the quote from just send me a private message. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be blessed!
Arieswoman Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 heatherjanette, Every little problem he has he calls his mother. Errrr, how old is this guy ??
MissBee Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 If a man went running to his mummy to badmouth me after a petty argument, I'd be packing his diaper bag, handing it back to her, and then I'd be on my merry way. Broke, has a child, depends on his parents for literally everything...ugh. And you say you're "helping" him out by paying for things for him as well as his daughter? And he already lives rent free, bills paid, credit card provided? All this for a man who is in his thirties, and is a father? No thanks. This guy seems to have been enabled more than enough as it is...don't join that club. You are working, studying, and seem to have a decent head on your shoulders. Run for the hills - you won't be happy fighting with a mother to care for her manchild for the rest of your life. EDIT: I assume this is the same guy from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/466078-talking-friend-several-years Guy sounds like a straight up loser. You can do much, much better. Aside from calling him a loser, I have to agree. What are the benefits of being in a relationship with this guy? Maybe you're better off as friends and not a romantic couple as it doesn't seem he is in any position to be an equal partner in a relationship. It seems like one drama piled on to the other: custody battles, tied to mom's apron strings, they pay for his entire life (hence it gives her more reason to have a say), his parents control his life, I mean....what part is the good part? Even when you said his ex insisted they would get married...I mean sorry, he doesn't seem to be a grown man who makes his own choices but rather his mom, his dad, his ex wife, his lawyer, everyone else tells him what to do, how to do it, give him money etc. ALL of this would be a deal breaker for me personally. His relationship with his parents will not change especially if they support him. You should write down all the pros and cons of this relationship and think about if it's worth it or if you're better off just being friends and finding a more stable guy who is more in control of his life as an equal romantic partner.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Men are either mama's boys or not, and this rarely if ever changes. A mama's boy will never take your side over his mom's, even if she's being completely crazy. She's always the innocent angel and you're the intruder. The only woman his mother would approve of is one who submits to all her rules and plans. This won't get better, so decide if you can live like this or not. I speak from horrifying experience
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Men are either mama's boys or not, and this rarely if ever changes. A mama's boy will never take your side over his mom's, even if she's being completely crazy. She's always the innocent angel and you're the intruder. The only woman his mother would approve of is one who submits to all her rules and plans. This won't get better, so decide if you can live like this or not. I speak from horrifying experience I actually think there isn't a single woman a mother like this would approve of, whether the intended wife is outspoken and opinionated, or meek, mild and compliant. She will have no respect for any woman who is (in her eyes) trying to wrest control and dominance of her son, from her arms. I don't think any kind temperament and character of the fiancee would make a jot of difference... "Damned if you... whatever."
Redhead14 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Hello, I have been dating my boyfriend (whom I have been good friends with for almost 8 years) for about a year now. I am 26 years old. A little background on him, he's in his early thirties and going through a rough custody battle with his ex wife. His daughter is almost two. His wife left when the baby was 5 months and long story short, she made up disgusting lies about him and his entire family, all of which were disproved in court by the judge. The custody battle is never ending but it should be over with soon, as per his lawyer. They have shared custody but he hardly has any time with his daughter(two hours at a time, 6 on alternating Saturdays). I adore his daughter, she is the light of my life. I want nothing more than to be a positive role model for her and just there for her. It's a pretty scary and daunting thing to be thrown into this sort of situation in the first place and I am trying my best. His ex wife and him dated 5 months when she got pregnant while on the pill. She said they had to be married due to her Christian beliefs and that is what they did. She told his mother that she was going to marry him no matter what. Now, I am quite aware a relationship takes two people and I do not judge his ex wife. I will always respect her and be kind to her even if she is not so nice to me. That being said, my boyfriends mother is very overbearing. At first, I thought it was due to the divorce but now I'm seeing that is just thow she is. I can also see how it cause issues in a marriage. She goes to every court hearing and lawyers apt. with him, she pays his lawyer fees, he lives in their rental property, his parents pay his phone as well as some other bills. It is very sweet of them to help him out, but I feel they are dependent on one another. She recently gave him a credit card in her name to use as well. Every little problem he has he calls his mother. If something is broken, if something happened at work, anything regarding his ex etc. Even when we have gotten in silly, pointless arguments and he always makes me out to be the bad guy. To be quite honest, the last fight we got into he told his mom everything horrible I said (out of anger, as we all do ) and then she messaged me on facebook telling me to back off and give him time. She is constantly talking about the divorce, the custody battle and bad mouthing his ex wife. She has even done so in front of my family, at dinner, birthday parties, xmas etc. I do not find this to be appropriate at all. Period. I do not bad mouth exs or anyone quite frankly. She says how she wanted to "get rid of her" and she did just that. She also tells me what to do in a sense. She tells me to make sure he applies for such and such job, that the ex wife didn't want him to follow his dreams, she ruined his life, and that she wants to make sure he doesn't do that again. But then of course she reminds me, I am nothing like the ex wife. She constantly interrupts me and ignores me when I try to spark a conversation with her as well as my mother. She also told me I am too independent (I work full time and go to school full time) and that if I live like that , I'll never be married. I'll be alone and miserable. She said that fully knowing my mom is a single parent and uninterested in remarrying (my father passed shortly after the divorce). She then made a comment about my mothers situation too. Which hurt my mothers feelings. But my mom didn't say anything. Frankly, his ex wife depended on him too much. She didn't work, he paid her bills etc. Now due to the divorce, he is in debt. What exactly is wrong with me supporting myself and holding my own? Her son is not capable of such a thing at the moment. Another thing, his parents are over constantly. He has his daughter three times a week after work, as well as every other Saturday. They are there every single time. That is understandable, but I'd like some alone time with him and his daughter to bond. Also, the majority of the time, that is the only time I see him. Our only time alone is usually a Sunday or a few hours on a Tuesday when I get off work.he also rarely spends time with my mom and I. (That's all the family I have here, my family lives elsewhere). I brought this up to him and inintially he was angry. Said we needed to break up if I feel like he doesn't care etc. Then he told his parents we need some alone time and I had one day. Which was improvement. I also gathered everyone for brunch recently. And right away his mom decided to tell everyone she thought I was pregnant because I planned this brunch. She went on and on. Saying she'd need to be prepared. That she was nervous. She said she asked her son several times prior to this brunch and he assured her I am not. I found it pretty inappropriate. Everyone seemed speechless. I assured her I am not an idiot, I'd never do that, I have priorities and bringing a child into the situation currently would be a bad idea. Last example. but a few weeks ago she said she wanted him to move back home. That his lawyer suggested it saying it would be a good idea for him to save money and the best for his daughter. She waited til he left to tell me this. Said how it would be such a good idea and she wants him to do so. She kept repeating how he is broke, somewhat implying I am not aware of this. I reminder her I help him out, I help him out with things for his daughter as well, and the last few trips we went on (day trips) I paid for, fully. I spoke with him, he said he will never move back home and to drop it. I understand not everyone is perfect and she is honestly a sweet woman it is just super overwhelming. How do I handle it? The custody battle is stressful to me and then when I add his mother into the mix, it becomes so much worse. I have backed off a bit, as in I don't come over as much when they are there. He wants me to move in soon, but I need this to improve before I can. I am sick of hearing about the divorce and her speaking ill of the ex wife. I feel really horrible that I feel this way, mind you. Suggestions? Sorry for the long rant in advance! Haha. The best way to handle someone who is controlling, is to take some control yourself. You need to sit down with his mother and have a heart to heart conversation. Start out with, "I love your son. You've done a great job raising him and you've been there for him through all his difficulties and I appreciate that as well. However, he and I are going to be moving our relationship forward and now, most of these things I can, have been and should be helping and supporting him through. We are going to need more time to ourselves for a while though in order for us to establish a strong relationship and make a home for his daughter. We will always make time to see you and for you to see your granddaughter. I'd like it if we worked together, you and I, to make sure that we can make sure your granddaughter has a stable family life at home and a great relationship with her grandparents." Then you need to talk with your boyfriend, tell him about the conversation you had with his mother and talk to him about how he handles things that go on between the two of you and that issues between you, stay between you. It's ok for a guy to get advice from his mom or dad once in a while about handling a relationship issue, just as you might go to your mom or dad, but he cannot paint you in a bad light or do this every time. IF he continues to operate this way, it will be unhealthy for the relationship between all of you. This is something that is non-negotiable. If he doesn't modify his behavior, you tell him you cannot move in with him at this point. There has to be a consequence for not respecting you and the relationship moving forward. In fact, I would not advise moving in with him until A) you're engaged and B) he develops his autonomy. He needs to grow up.
preraph Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 You can't stay with someone who still lets their mom tell them what to do and how to do it and who to be with. That's not a grown man. That's still a boy. It's the duty of any spouse to put their spouse and spouse's opinions ahead of anyone else's . A marriage can't thrive any other way. I'm sure this was a big part of why the ex got up and left. And sounds like the two are perfectly capable of ganging up on you and probably did the ex. So be careful what you wish for. You could be next. You don't want to be tied to him and his mom the rest of your life by having a child with him.
almond Posted June 13, 2015 Posted June 13, 2015 Aside from calling him a loser, I have to agree. I'm not usually one for name calling, but after reading OP's first thread about this guy and his disgusting treatment of her, "loser" was one of the more polite words I could think of to describe him. Many posters in the first thread chose to go with more colourful terms, and to be fair, I can totally see why.
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