heatherjanette28 Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Some background, I have just come out of a 5 1/2 year relationship in September. We are still civil and remain friends. I am a very private person, and I refrained from telling anyone until mid November. A very good friend of mine, whom I have known four roughly 7 years now told me he's always liked me and when I'm ready we can talk. We started to text, but he'd get a little snappy every now and then and I had always thought of him as a player, so I cut our contact down as to be cautious. He would say I have bad taste in men, he's a good guy etc. So, I decided to give him a chance. He was constantly texting me and usually initiating contact as well as calling. He was very excited to see me, saying sweet words, saying he was thinking about me, even mentioned some hypothetical things of the future if we worked out (which kind of put me off because from experience, I notice that is something players tend to do to get what they want) etc. He lives three hours away and I planned on being in his town prior to him asking. I stayed for four days (he invited me) at his place. He was a gentleman, treated me to dinner, lunch, dancing etc and was very attentive and sweet as well as romantic and had our entire weekend planned. I did notice some red flags. Also, I am 26 and he is 31. One being he was constantly correcting me as if I'm a child. For example, my hair parts to the side, so it sometimes covers my eye. He was annoyed by that and kept telling me to fix it. He would also correct my posture if I slouched for even a second. He would then say I am in denial of my ways (I don't know what he is referring to but I assume my choice of men). He also picked at my flaws, which really shocked me because I am far from insecure. He pointed out some small spider veins on my legs, the fact that I have very skinny legs (after loosing 15 lbs from the flu when I usually have pretty toned legs), that he doesn't like tattoos (i have two VERY small tats on my back that he's ALWAYS known about). He also said that he was glad I was out doing adult things. Which I didn't really understand being as all we did was eat and drink and I normally am studying, at home and working during my time at home.I never party or get drunk. He also flirted with every single waitress, touching them (IE hands, arms, hair etc) even if he didn't find them attractive. I am fine with flirting, but it was a bit excessive as he was my date. I was just very taken back. But I didn't act like I was bothered. Now, this is all very shocking to me because he has been such a close friend to me all of these years and he's always been there for me. Another shocker? We eventually ended up hooking up, and after I drunkenly asked him if he only hooks up with one woman as opposed to several, because I would not be comfortable with that. ( I have no issue with people who do that, it's just not something I am ok doing). I didn't remeber his answer, as I was drinking. So I decided to text him today, asking politely and even saying sorry because I knew I had asked. He lost it. He became extremely annoyed and once again said I'm niave and said maybe he should get tested since he doesn't know who I've been with etc. I once again apologized, but he was still annoyed and freaking out. So, I asked if he wanted to continue speaking, since he seemed to get so angry. He replied that's an irrational question to ask and to relax.. Do I just back off from this guy? Do I allow him to initiate contact via text? I see really good potential but I feel like I am constantly saying the wrong thing and I'm on edge. He knows what a big risk it was for me and a leap of faith to see him and to give him a chance. I just got back from his place a few days ago and I already notice a change in his demeanor. He's been one of my best friends and this is so unlike him. I really want to give him a chance but I'm not sure how to go about things. Any advice would be helpful, Thank you:)
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 He sounds rude and immature. These things would turn me off. So how do they make you feel, OP? 1
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Not very good. It was just shocking to see someone you've known for so long do a complete 180. It did really turn me off. 1
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 I appreciate the reply. Thank you. I do know the answer. I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best but I am not sure that's possible. It's always good to get an outsiders point of view to know if you're reading into things too much. I am glad I am not.
Keenly Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Well... I put.myself in your situation and asked myself what i would do with a girl that did that. I decided that I don't need another mom, so if you want some one to go around telling you that your POSTURE is wrong...etc, go right ahead. We all know you can do better than this guy. 1
Lokie Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Miss Heather, I'm glad you know you deserve better. My opinion of him, just from reading what you wrote, is that he is bad news. I would step away from any more romance with him and even downgrade his friendship, until he proves kind and trustworthy. NO ONE wants to be around people who are not supportive. The fact that he has gone out of his way to criticize you and correct you (which is criticism too, btw) is unacceptable. The flirting with the waitresses also is a bit hinky, imho. Best wishes to you. Glad you reached out. L. 1
readynow Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 Gosh! What a horrible guy. This is how emotional and psychological abuse starts. If you carry on with him, you will have zero self esteem by the time it's over. Tell him this relationship is not working for you and stop it all. I will struggle to remain friends with someone like this. 3
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Well... I put.myself in your situation and asked myself what i would do with a girl that did that. I decided that I don't need another mom, so if you want some one to go around telling you that your POSTURE is wrong...etc, go right ahead. We all know you can do better than this guy. Thanks. I did feel like he was treating me like a child.
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Gosh! What a horrible guy. This is how emotional and psychological abuse starts. If you carry on with him, you will have zero self esteem by the time it's over. Tell him this relationship is not working for you and stop it all. I will struggle to remain friends with someone like this. You are very correct. I was very insecure the entire time and I've now been catching myself over analyzing my actions and body image, and when I'd stick up for myself he'd say "good, you are getting a back bone". It's a horrible feeling. I don't know whether to even contact him again. Telling him how I feel would probably get me no where.
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 12, 2014 Author Posted March 12, 2014 Miss Heather, I'm glad you know you deserve better. My opinion of him, just from reading what you wrote, is that he is bad news. I would step away from any more romance with him and even downgrade his friendship, until he proves kind and trustworthy. NO ONE wants to be around people who are not supportive. The fact that he has gone out of his way to criticize you and correct you (which is criticism too, btw) is unacceptable. The flirting with the waitresses also is a bit hinky, imho. Best wishes to you. Glad you reached out. L. Thank you. It was all very strange. When someone you've known for so long completely changes and isn't who you think they are. I'm not even sure if I should tell him why I am upset. I'm pretty sure he is no longer interested. I think my ego has been really hurt by this ordeal.
deathandtaxes Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 What a dick. This guy isn't a friend. He's an *******. Be glad he lives far away. I would never treat my friends the way this guy treats you, much less a lady for whom I have a romantic interest in. Go NC. Stay NC. 2
HappyLove Posted March 12, 2014 Posted March 12, 2014 WOW! He's a scary CREEP! RUN AS FAR AS YOU CAN!!! He sounds very emotionally abusive! I can't believe you even considered still speaking with this guy. Don't be upset that you found out what a loser he is. Be GRATEFUL that you did. You owe this psycho nothing! No, you do not need to continue being friends with him because you started as friends. Get away from this phony. He had you fooled for years and he's crazy! Be glad you found out so soon! Look at how he had you doubting yourself already! 3
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. It's so hard leaving a friendship of so long though. I will get over it. I'm just really hurt for right now. I think he wants a woman he can control and make weak and the second he found out that is NOT me he didn't want to pursue anything any longer. I confronted him about his constant insults and he said I'm insecure and take things to heart...LOL. The guy is just FULL of himself. Note to self: always go with your gut. I had a feeling initaially that I should not give him a chance. Definitely going to listen to myself next time. I pity whoever this fool marries.
HappyLove Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. It's so hard leaving a friendship of so long though. I will get over it. I'm just really hurt for right now. I think he wants a woman he can control and make weak and the second he found out that is NOT me he didn't want to pursue anything any longer. I confronted him about his constant insults and he said I'm insecure and take things to heart...LOL. The guy is just FULL of himself. Note to self: always go with your gut. I had a feeling initaially that I should not give him a chance. Definitely going to listen to myself next time. I pity whoever this fool marries. Be proud of yourself for walking away! Other desperate insecure women would have stayed setting themselves up for a miserable life. 1
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 Once again, thank you everyone. Silly, but these responses helped me stick up for myself. As this week has gone on the insults became worse. More so on my personality. IE I'm naive, I'm not used to the "adult league "(whatever that means) or being treated by a man, I take things to heart, I'm into myself(how can I be into myself when just recently I was insecure according to him and needed a backbone?), I'm immature,he once again insulted the fact that I'm skinny and said my "fake tits" are the only things he can grab onto, the list goes on. He would be nice one day and cold the next. He would call me a child or a baby, he said I'm not a lady but I think I am.. It may have taken me longer to end things then it should have but it did NOT end well by any means. After I've had enough, I kindly told him I just can't take the insults and critiques, that I am exhausted from it. He told me I'm too sensitive, that the problem is me, that I should take criticism to grow, etc. I apologized (.....I know...however with all of these insults, I figured some must be true.Maybe I needed to evaluate myself and my behavior). Then, a few days later I'd had enough, again. And he just lost it. He told me I have self realization issues, that I'm into myself, that he spoke to several people about me via text (he said "a panel of judges" that said I am a "handful of red flags and I am damaged goods". But he said if i could "iron out the wrinkles, I'm all for it, fantastic, cutie pie". I lost it, but still, in a calm manner. I have been nothing but nice and patient through out this entire ordeal. I could have easily lost it with him. I think the meanest thing I said was when I simply told him he was a dick in my last message and that I'm glad I found out now as opposed to later. He proceeded to insult me more. Saying "criticism never hurt anyone that didn't want to grow". That he was saying these things as a friend and it was light criticism and that I flipped my lid every time he made suggestions for my self improvement. I told him I don't consider him a friend anymore. That I am extremely hurt and shocked and that I don't care to speak to him any longer. He then told me I'm on a hormonal trip and that he's never let a set of fake tits catch him off guard. (Yes, I have implants, but very small and most people do not know this of me. I told him in confidence). Well, that was that. I'm contemplating deleting him from every aspect of my life, but I am wondering if that is immature? One thing he liked to insult was my activity on facebook or instagram, I could post a positive, lovely quote and he would say "facebook isn't your diary,child," or he'd post snarky comments, things like that. Even if I posted a photo of me, he'd be snarky. Yet, he's admittedly said he uses fb and ig to get a reaction out of people for fun. I'm thinking of simply blocking him. Maybe even changing my number...I know he'll be back. No contact, ever? I feel horribly mean doing that, as I have never had to resort to that with any human being. This whole experience has me shaking my head in wonder. How can a friend of so long be completely different all of sudden? I am just at a loss and I honestly just feel like a crazy person.
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 Be proud of yourself for walking away! Other desperate insecure women would have stayed setting themselves up for a miserable life. Thank you! I agree. If I were miserable in a matter of a few weeks I can't imagine what a lifetime would have been like. Eeek!
HappyLove Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 "Well, that was that. I'm contemplating deleting him from every aspect of my life, but I am wondering if that is immature?" Immature would be NOT deleting this creep from your life! Please never have contact with this abusive lunatic ever again! Delete him from EVERYTHING! You owe yourself better than this! 1
Chalkdust89 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 No contact, ever? I feel horribly mean doing that, as I have never had to resort to that with any human being. This whole experience has me shaking my head in wonder. How can a friend of so long be completely different all of sudden? I am just at a loss and I honestly just feel like a crazy person. YOU are not the crazy person! This guy is a jerk! And aside from that, I think it was in poor taste for him to come on to you so soon after you got out of a long term relationship...but he doesn't seem to be one for having class either way. It might be hard to adjust to being single after such a long time dating someone, but take advantage of it and focus on yourself. Also, ditch this guy! He has not proven to be worth your time by the sounds of your posts. 1
quidproquo89 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I appreciate the reply. Thank you. I do know the answer. I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best but I am not sure that's possible. It's always good to get an outsiders point of view to know if you're reading into things too much. I am glad I am not. sounds like a dick and a waste of time, someone I dated recently had come out an abusive relationship and she said he had shouted at her and made her feel awful. I would have nothing to do with someone who openly critises you like that, it isn't normal. Really follow my advice here, you don't want to get involved with an abusive guy coz it could gradually turn from the odd comment to him having control over you. I'd leave him, really I would 1
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 "Well, that was that. I'm contemplating deleting him from every aspect of my life, but I am wondering if that is immature?" Immature would be NOT deleting this creep from your life! Please never have contact with this abusive lunatic ever again! Delete him from EVERYTHING! You owe yourself better than this! DONE! Blocked and deleted. 2
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 YOU are not the crazy person! This guy is a jerk! And aside from that, I think it was in poor taste for him to come on to you so soon after you got out of a long term relationship...but he doesn't seem to be one for having class either way. It might be hard to adjust to being single after such a long time dating someone, but take advantage of it and focus on yourself. Also, ditch this guy! He has not proven to be worth your time by the sounds of your posts. Thank you so much, I appreciate the advice. I agree. As soon as he found out I was single he asked me out. I waited 5 1/2 months before giving him that chance. But I should have gone with my initial gut feeling! I was actually content and happy being single prior to this encounter. But he really wanted me to give him a chance, so I did.
Author heatherjanette28 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Posted March 22, 2014 sounds like a dick and a waste of time, someone I dated recently had come out an abusive relationship and she said he had shouted at her and made her feel awful. I would have nothing to do with someone who openly critises you like that, it isn't normal. Really follow my advice here, you don't want to get involved with an abusive guy coz it could gradually turn from the odd comment to him having control over you. I'd leave him, really I would Thank you! I cut him off. You are very correct. If this was just within a matter of a few dates I can't imagine how it would be later on down the road.
quidproquo89 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Thank you! I cut him off. You are very correct. If this was just within a matter of a few dates I can't imagine how it would be later on down the road. I think you did the right thing. Gut feeling is quite important also. I haven't acted on it previously and wished I had. Example - shes acting strangely, let it slide then she buggered off within a week. Hmm probably should have armoured up for that one as I felt it was coming. Anyway I'm rambling ha ha. Good on you, you can do much better, a decent date would not criticize but want to be in your good books
OhThatGirl Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 OMG. I was horrified reading your posts. Words like "abusive, sociopath, controlling" crept through my mind. When I was young and more naive than you I dated someone like this. Constantly trying to poke and prod me into being something worthy of him. It's ****ing exhausting and can rip your self esteem to shreds. Eventually it starts to become some warped "well he just wants me to be better, he wouldn't put in the effort if he didn't care about me" mindset. It's unhealthy. But the level to which this guy criticized and put you down is insane. Thankfully you were smart enough to run. Even if he wouldn't have progressed to physical abuse, that kind of emotional abuse can ruin your life. If you're able to get out it can take yeeeeeaaaaarrrsss to recover from. So happy you got away from him. What a complete dick. Though if I'm honest I bet there is some pathology there. People don't treat people like that without having some serious issues themselves. Serious pity for any woman he ends up roping into a relationship with him. 2
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