MJJean Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 OP, why do you want to get married? I am honestly curious. What do you feel marriage will bring to your relationship that it currently lacks? What does marriage bring that the relationship lacks? Social and legal standing. There is a big difference between Baby Momma/Live in Girlfriend and wife. Not to mention inheritance rights, Social Security in the event of untimely death, the right to make medical decisions, etc. I agree that his excuses are lame and weak. You're living together, you have a child together. I think trying for a big ring, a grand romantic proposal, and a big wedding at this late date is a bit much. But a couple of wedding bands and a small ceremony is reasonable. If he doesn't want that, move on and find a man that does want to commit to you. Baby Daddy or not, real commitment and real stability mean marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Because of something called divorce? Besides, once married, his financial problem will become yours. Why would you need that? Because of love? What potential benefit can the OP gain from getting married? Because some people were raised to actually respect the sanctity of marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Yes, but what's its point? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Yes, but what's its point? I just can't help but wonder why if marriage is an old outdated institution, why is the modern gay community fighting so hard to get it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 It's very important to think about what you want out of a relationship and do it before you bring kids into it. Otherwise this is what happens. The child is not secure and the mother feels unloved. Whether to have children or not should be decided after you marry if marriage if what you want. OP, I think you should move on and find a man who loves you enough to marry you since marriage is this important to you. You can't fit a round peg in a square hole. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) Because some people were raised to actually respect the sanctity of marriage. What sanctity of marriage? Sanctity of marriage was destroyed and marriage has been dying ever since we allowed divorce. Edited June 11, 2015 by berniev Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 What sanctity of marriage? Sanctity of marriage was destroyed and marriage has been dying ever since we allowed divorce. Yup. The majority of divorces are initiated by women. Marriage doesn't really benefit men in any way. The bottom line is he doesn't have to get married if he doesn't want to. He's not obligated to do so. If that's a deal breaker for the OP, fine. That's her right. But her bf also has the right to not get married if he doesn't want to. If the relationship is fine in all other respects, then why bother pressing marriage? OP, you should have discussed this with him a long time ago. My GF and I had only been seeing each other three months before she brought it up and said marriage is something that she's never wanted and doesn't believe in. I was on the same page with her from the very beginning. So we are in alignment and agreement that we will never marry. We just want to live together and be monogamous. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Yup. The majority of divorces are initiated by women. Marriage doesn't really benefit men in any way. The bottom line is he doesn't have to get married if he doesn't want to. He's not obligated to do so. If that's a deal breaker for the OP, fine. That's her right. But her bf also has the right to not get married if he doesn't want to. If the relationship is fine in all other respects, then why bother pressing marriage? OP, you should have discussed this with him a long time ago. My GF and I had only been seeing each other three months before she brought it up and said marriage is something that she's never wanted and doesn't believe in. I was on the same page with her from the very beginning. So we are in alignment and agreement that we will never marry. We just want to live together and be monogamous. A lot of women initiate divorced because they've had enough of being cheated on. You only have to see the number of OWs to know loads of husbands cheating. Wives don't always just get over it, because the man doesn't wish to loose half the marital property. Both people in any relationship need to get what they want out of it. If someone professes their love for me, I expect them to want to marry me especially after 4 years . If they don't want to take our relationship to that level, I'd be on my way. Having a child complicates things, but if I was set on marriage then I'd be off and we can coparent. He'll have to realise our child will have a step father in due course though, because I would be getting married at some point. I'd never issue an ultimatum . When I was dating my H and he was suggesting we bought a house etc..I wasn't hearing marriage , so I told him straight up that I would not be buying a house if we weren't married. He was dilly dallying and I just said ok let's cool things and take a break . I was ready to be be done , but he didn't want that. OP if you ultimately want marriage , it will need to be with someone else . Get financially independent and get your own place. He can start paying child support as the law requires. You really need to check that a man your dating wants marriage early on. One guy I was with said oh yes in about 7 years. That was our last date. I ended it pronto. Good luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I just can't help but wonder why if marriage is an old outdated institution, why is the modern gay community fighting so hard to get it? For the sake of being considered equally entitled to marry in the eyes of the law - should they want to. The point is to gain equality and a status that is on the same terms. It's not so much the marriage bit; it's about being seen as entitled to marry, because their relationship is as valid, pertinent and committed as that of any other (hetero) couple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 He doesn't want a marriage, easy as that. He doesn't consider you the perfect partner and a marriage will make it much harder and costly to leave should he ever meet someone more interesting. Besides, why marry indeed? He has a partner living with him, he has a child and is completely unbound legally. I'd say compared to the poor sobs who leave their marriages broke and broken he's a winner. The only thing women can use for pressuring these days is "I won't have kids outside a marriage, sorry", but that technique is 2 years too late in your situation. Wait as long as you want, the proposal you're waiting for is almost certainly never going to happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I don't know if he's a bad guy, but he's not that good for her. I'd feel pretty crappy to be with a guy who said those things to me after 4 years. Hard to argue with that. But he's not A bad choice, he's HER bad choice. Each step of cohabitation and child-bearing a volunteer one on her part... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Hard to argue with that. But he's not A bad choice, he's HER bad choice. Each step of cohabitation and child-bearing a volunteer one on her part... Mr. Lucky I agree with this. When you cohabit and no discussion of marriage has taken place, you need to have a timeline to up and leave if it's not going your way. Women have to stand their ground if you want to get married. Don't be a common law wife . Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 What sanctity of marriage? Sanctity of marriage was destroyed and marriage has been dying ever since we allowed divorce. I can't deny that. But a lot of us were raised to believe in marriage and see it as the ultimate commitment one can make. The entire concept hasn't been 100% ruined to be sure, but it's definitely taken a beating over the years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 A lot of women initiate divorced because they've had enough of being cheated on. You only have to see the number of OWs to know loads of husbands cheating. That's true. Years ago, most women just had to put up with men's crap because they were financially dependent on them. Now that a lot of them no longer ARE financially dependent on men, they're not putting up with the crap anymore. Makes sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beautymadness23 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 I know exactly how you feel and went through something very similar! But he was married once before with two children from his first marriage. So I was much more understanding and sensitive to it for that reason. But a girl has her limit. My now husband and I have been together 5 years and have a 3 year old son. He knew how badly I wanted it, so he proposed once in year one but called it off because he felt he was not ready. We stayed together and he proposed again in year three and called it off once again after I had gotten wedding dress and we had put a deposit down on venue. I know I did pressure him, but it was still an awful thing to go through. People are amazed we stayed together after that. Well after breaking up for a few months (for a host of reasons, one being the marriage thing) and living in different states, he came back to MN where I was living at the time, swept me off my feet, apologized for taking so long and making me wait, won my heart, proposed, and we eloped the next day and got married. Lol. When he saw me moving on with my life and realized how bad he messed up, something clicked and he realized he was all in and absolutely ready for us to be together for the rest of our lives. I hope my story does something for you. My situation certainly was not idea and I hope for other couples, it's not nearly as complicated and it doesn't take that much to get there. But if can offer any advice, I would really try to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to get married. Down to the soul. I found out much later the real reason my husband didn't want to get married. If there's no deep seeded reason and he just doesn't feel that need yet and it's not the right time for him, than you must accept that. Sometimes that's all it is and that's ok too. I waited a long time, but wasn't all that patient. But when it did happen, it was magic. Meanwhile if you guys are fairly happy and have a healthy relationship, be the best you u can be and give him all your love. If anything will make him want to marry you, i'm sure that will. Just make sure he know how important it is to you and know that you have a right to walk away after a while if you realize that it will never happen. You have to be true to yourself as well. But of course once u have kids, that is that last resort and not to be taken lightly. That's why I waited as long as I did. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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