Why am I still so miserable?

[berniev]

I'll be honest. Contrary to...whatever, I think that knowingly refusing to meet your partner's needs for years on end is not only a betrayal on par with cheating, you are actually setting your spouse up to be vulnerable to cheating when you starve them.

 

Cheating itself is absolutely wrong. But there are quite a few people who empathetically understand this OP's hurt.

 

I just think both genders of WS should be afforded the same empathy.

 

 

Two wrongs don't make it right but sometimes that's exactly what one needs to stay sane.

 

Judge all your want.

[berniev]

My wife often says that I am not forgiving, which is probably true. I tend to remember how I have been wronged for a long time.

 

The question really comes down to, how can I forget and forgive at this point? Should I just fake it until I make it?

 

Thinking about it, my biggest hurdle I can see is that her ignorance to this issue. I don't hear her saying I am sorry and I don't see her owning up her part of the responsibility.

 

It may be quite bad to say but part of me hopes she does find out my affairs and I get the chance to say :"What the eff do you expect?"

 

My resentment....

[OldRover]

Good husbands don't cheat. I understand why you did cheat, but don't be delusional about your status as a spouse.

 

 

Well, that depends..... we might have to agree to disagree on that one.

[OldRover]

Two wrongs don't make it right but sometimes that's exactly what one needs to stay sane.

 

Judge all your want.

 

Berniev,

 

I'm not going to judge you at all. Under the circumstances, I probably would have done similar. I don't subscribe that have a SO on the side is the only way to cheat, and it may not be cheating at all. However, if I got to that point I'd consider my original relationship over and end it. And I could argue to just let her know what you're doing.

 

Your wife cheated you out of a loving relationship, which was apparently LONG before you had an affair. What is the price of that? It has caused you plenty of pain and hurt, way beyond what is appropriate for a loving relationship. Sex and intimacy is not only nice in a relationship it is a REQUIREMENT. There are also many other parts of a successful loving relationship that are not only nice, but requirements.... and when things start breaking down, other parts also break down.

 

I could make one more argument that you be absolutely sure you want to end it. You CAN FIX THINGS, and you can fall back in love with someone you were once in love with before, but it takes effort on both parts, and overall, that could be the best choice, but both of you MUST be on the same page to make that work.

 

Good luck!

[truncated]

For all your posts, I don't recall seeing one where you asked your wife why she didn't want to have sex, and what her answer was.

 

From what you say ( and I do apologize if I ahve this wrong), you have been married 20 years, cheated for a while, but haven't cheated for ten , then srated cheating again a few months ago. How long were you married the first time you had one of your affairs?

 

How many did you actually have?

 

I know there's lots that don't care why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, but the problem is that if you want to stay with her, then it matters. Her side of this is very important if you want to get to the root of what is going on.

[berniev]

For all your posts, I don't recall seeing one where you asked your wife why she didn't want to have sex, and what her answer was.

 

From what you say ( and I do apologize if I ahve this wrong), you have been married 20 years, cheated for a while, but haven't cheated for ten , then srated cheating again a few months ago. How long were you married the first time you had one of your affairs?

 

How many did you actually have?

 

I know there's lots that don't care why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, but the problem is that if you want to stay with her, then it matters. Her side of this is very important if you want to get to the root of what is going on.

 

 

She said it is just not something on her mind. She doesn't really think about sex much. She said it doesn't mean she loves me any less. I think she's telling the truth.

[truncated]

She said it is just not something on her mind. She doesn't really think about sex much. She said it doesn't mean she loves me any less. I think she's telling the truth.

 

 

I see.

 

If that is the case, then you may have to accept that sex with her will be because she is doing it for you, not for herself. It will still be a loving act if she does it to make you happy and because it's something she knows you enjoy, but you might never get the passion you want.

 

It sounds like she was honest with you about how she feels. Is that something you can live with without chetaing again or holding it against her or punishing her i some other way ( resentment)?

 

Right now, you have a decision to make. If you think you can live the rest of your life with the status quo as it now stands, and that the other good things about your relationship can make up for this area, then stay, but kow that by doing so you do not have any sort of "right to cheat" as you knew what you were going into, eyes wide open. Of course, at any time, you can still call it quits and go.

 

If you decie you can't live with your sexual relationship with her remaining the way that it is, then it's time to end things as kindly and fairly as possible for both of you.Then you won't have to cheat to have your needs met, and she won't have to feel hurt when you do.

 

( btw , she may already know you cheated, or strongly suspect that you did, even if she hasn't said anything. There is a very good chance that plays into the whole equation here)

[berniev]

I see.

 

If that is the case, then you may have to accept that sex with her will be because she is doing it for you, not for herself. It will still be a loving act if she does it to make you happy and because it's something she knows you enjoy, but you might never get the passion you want.

 

It sounds like she was honest with you about how she feels. Is that something you can live with without chetaing again or holding it against her or punishing her i some other way ( resentment)?

 

Right now, you have a decision to make. If you think you can live the rest of your life with the status quo as it now stands, and that the other good things about your relationship can make up for this area, then stay, but kow that by doing so you do not have any sort of "right to cheat" as you knew what you were going into, eyes wide open. Of course, at any time, you can still call it quits and go.

 

If you decie you can't live with your sexual relationship with her remaining the way that it is, then it's time to end things as kindly and fairly as possible for both of you.Then you won't have to cheat to have your needs met, and she won't have to feel hurt when you do.

 

( btw , she may already know you cheated, or strongly suspect that you did, even if she hasn't said anything. There is a very good chance that plays into the whole equation here)

 

I long for passionate sex. I don't know how much longer I can enjoy it as I am getting old and as I started having a little ED. I definitely don't want to look back and see I had a celibate life while bitter inside like the past 20 years. Call that midlife crisis but I am done with the celibate life.

 

If I move out, what's going to happen between my wife and I? Even with all the resentment, I still care about her. To me, she's the closest person in the world. I just don't have the sexual desire for her anymore and I can't just shovel years of my resentment aside. I never wanted her "trying" for me: I wanted her to want me, to sexually desired me but at this point, I am pulling back big time.

Edited June 10, 2015 by berniev

[truncated]

I long for passionate sex. I don't know how much longer I can enjoy it as I am getting old and as I started having a little ED. I definitely don't want to look back and see I had a celibate life while bitter inside like the past 20 years. Call that midlife crisis but I am done with the celibate life.

 

If I move out, what's going to happen between my wife and I? Even with all the resentment, I still care about her. To me, she's the closest person in the world. I just don't have the sexual desire for her anymore and I can't just shovel years of my resentment aside. I never wanted her "trying" for me: I wanted her to want me, to sexually desired me but at this point, I am pulling back big time.

 

 

It sounds very much like you have two choice here. You can:

 

(a) lay it bare and be 100% honest with your wife and why you did what you did. Yes, it will hurt her to know that you cheated, and that may be a dealbreaker for her, but at this point, it doesn't sound like you have that much to lose.

 

You need to be brutally honest, both with yourself and your wife. If staying married is what you really want, then that means giving it your very best shot, even if it tears you up inside to do it. Tell her, without any sugar coating, how you feel and why. Harsh as it may sound, this is no time to spare her feelings. Telll her what you want, and give her a chance to think about whether or not she can give that.

 

Don't make it into an ultimatum that she has to do x, y and z or you'll go, as that's cruel and may kill the love she has for you. Just be frank, and if she says she feels like she can't give you what you need, then you need to be strong and go.

 

Your question about what will happen between your wife and you is not something anyone can answer. If you are scared that she will move on, is not having the sex with her that you want, or having " i'm doing this for you" a price you are willing to pay?

 

if you are afraid of hurting her that;s completely understandable, but it will hurt her a lot less than if you stay and cheat.