jap26 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I made a post previously about how I was three days into my breakup and felt that I was over it. (Day 3 and I'm Over It (?)) (A TL;DR for the other post - Ex and I broke up Saturday, I had three terrible days of emotions, but yesterday something snapped and I have been fine since. The same thing happened with two other ex's, and while getting over them so quickly was not a fluke, I am just slightly worried this might be.) Now, I am writing this, and I am a mess. Oh man, was I completely wrong. I deal with a lot of anxiety and depression, and since I made that post on Monday, I have been doing TERRIBLY. Continually crying, panic attacks, no appetite, consistently tense... it's up and down so much that I can't tell you how I'll feel in the next twenty minutes. One thing that is very hard for me is that I am alone this summer - I do not have any friends or family or roommates around me, and I am physically alone for 90% of my time, even when I'm at work (I have my own office). My ex and I are fine - we're good friends, and there is no tension (at least on his end) between us. I am over the breakup in the sense that I do not want to get back together with him - there were numerous things that just didn't fit the mold of what I would want for a long-term partner. We had something good, and I appreciate the time we spent together, but I understand it is over. I am very thankful that we are still friends, and it is nice to still have him in my life (and not feel a need for reconciliation). Yet, even with knowing all that rationally, something inside me still agonizes over him. Something inside me leaves me feeling exhausted and emotional every time I think of him, or even think of him being with someone else. Each time he doesn't respond RIGHT AWAY to a text of mine, I begin to cry. RATIONALLY I know that he is logically comfortable with us being friends and has moved on, because that is what we discussed and agreed on. He is a very rational person, while I am very emotional. I have an appointment tomorrow to speak with my family doctor regarding possibly getting on some medication to clam me down. Counseling has never helped, and I've never been able to maintain long-term, healthy ways to deal with my mental illnesses. Now, after writing all that in about five minutes, I am calmer. I feel fine. I am not worried anymore. It is frustrating how up and down I feel. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this by myself, considering I am alone 90% of the time? TL;DR - I am an emotional wreck, despite knowing a lot of things rationally. It's like my emotions take over. I have a doctor appointment scheduled for tomorrow to see if medication may help. I am alone most of the time, and am not sure how to handle things by myself. Tips?
Yummm Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 If you've read previous topics on this section, you'll notice that your emotions are very normal fresh after a serious break up. I believe that being friends with him when you are CLEARLY not over him is a TERRIBLE idea. You deep down hope to rekindle something but this doesn't seem the case. You say you are thinking rationally but you're not, your emotions are definitely taking control here (which is normal). In my opinion as hard as it is to do, let him know that you can't be friends for now and need space, go NO CONTACT, ride through the pain and start working on yourself. Post here if you need to vent and we are here to help. Goodluck! 2
Author jap26 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 If you've read previous topics on this section, you'll notice that your emotions are very normal fresh after a serious break up. I believe that being friends with him when you are CLEARLY not over him is a TERRIBLE idea. You deep down hope to rekindle something but this doesn't seem the case. You say you are thinking rationally but you're not, your emotions are definitely taking control here (which is normal). In my opinion as hard as it is to do, let him know that you can't be friends for now and need space, go NO CONTACT, ride through the pain and start working on yourself. Post here if you need to vent and we are here to help. Goodluck! It's hard to describe, but it's like there's two parts of me: the rational side, that sees everything from a third-person perspective, and understands that everything is okay, and that I am okay, and that I am just emotional because I have a lot going on (him moving away, I have the LSAT exam Monday, work stresses, etc etc). Then there is the emotional side, which I feel sometimes I have no control over. It's crazy. I will admit, I do not feel comfortable calling him and telling him that I do not want to be friends. We have been friends long before we began to date. It just comes to the point where I need to not contact him first when I am feeling low, and I recognize that. I just want to get over my continuous insecurities and anxiety over NOTHING.
DexterLS Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Hi, Like I said in my previous post, there are going to be good days and bad days. If you still have feelings for him, you need to go No Contact. That's the only solution you can use to heal faster. Good luck!
Author jap26 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Hi, Like I said in my previous post, there are going to be good days and bad days. If you still have feelings for him, you need to go No Contact. That's the only solution you can use to heal faster. Good luck! Yeah, thank you for your response. I just need to have the strength to not speak with him - he rarely messages me first anyways. I know I can get over this and I am okay and I have the strength... I just have to find it.
Author jap26 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Goodness, I feel like I'm all over the place with my thoughts and emotions and everything. It's incredibly frustrating when the way I feel doesn't match up with what I know.. Thank you both for your responses and support.
aloneinaz Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 You need to understand that having contact with him in any form is keeping you depressed and anxious. Yes, you're on good terms post break up. But, this contact is really hurting you more than helping. You anxiety and panic attacks are firing due to the stress of everything in your life. Keeping contact w/him is elevating your stress as well. You said yourself that you panic when he doesn't reply right away to a text. I've never seen anybody successfully move on from a break up, especially a recent one by staying engage with the ex. You need to cut the ties from him so he can heal and move forward as well. You're in a good place as far as understanding that relationship wasn't providing what you needed and it's even better that you don't have any aspirations for a reconciliation. What you should do is not contact him again. If he contacts you, let him know you're going to not continue to engage as you need to heal and move forward. In the mean time, you keep indicating you're alone a majority of the time. You need to work on fixing that. Alone time is good but too much will keep you depressed and anxious as well. Find some people to do things with after work. Join a gym. You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone to enjoy the company of others. As far as meds for your condition, just do your research before taking any pills prescribed to you. Yes, some can help but, some can make you more anxious, especially when you first start taking them. I know a lot of people who they've helped but also a lot of folks who wished they didn't take them and simply powered thru those feeling until things in their life settled back down. For you anxiety, make sure you're not adding gas to the fire by drinking caffeine or foods with stimulants in them. Diet soda has both caffeine and Aspertaine (fake sugar) that is a known anxiety producer in many people. Exercise is PROVEN to help lift depression symptoms and has an ancillary benefit of making you look better and feel better about yourself. Breathe! Relax as much as you can and just know what your feeling is NORMAL so fresh from a break up. My GF got dumped in a horrible way in her last relationship. She has the best mental health of anyone I know. She became depressed and anxious afterwards for a few months. As soon as her nerves and emotions calmed down, both symptoms resolved and she's back to herself.
Author jap26 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 You need to understand that having contact with him in any form is keeping you depressed and anxious. Yes, you're on good terms post break up. But, this contact is really hurting you more than helping. You anxiety and panic attacks are firing due to the stress of everything in your life. Keeping contact w/him is elevating your stress as well. You said yourself that you panic when he doesn't reply right away to a text. I've never seen anybody successfully move on from a break up, especially a recent one by staying engage with the ex. You need to cut the ties from him so he can heal and move forward as well. You're in a good place as far as understanding that relationship wasn't providing what you needed and it's even better that you don't have any aspirations for a reconciliation. What you should do is not contact him again. If he contacts you, let him know you're going to not continue to engage as you need to heal and move forward. In the mean time, you keep indicating you're alone a majority of the time. You need to work on fixing that. Alone time is good but too much will keep you depressed and anxious as well. Find some people to do things with after work. Join a gym. You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone to enjoy the company of others. As far as meds for your condition, just do your research before taking any pills prescribed to you. Yes, some can help but, some can make you more anxious, especially when you first start taking them. I know a lot of people who they've helped but also a lot of folks who wished they didn't take them and simply powered thru those feeling until things in their life settled back down. For you anxiety, make sure you're not adding gas to the fire by drinking caffeine or foods with stimulants in them. Diet soda has both caffeine and Aspertaine (fake sugar) that is a known anxiety producer in many people. Exercise is PROVEN to help lift depression symptoms and has an ancillary benefit of making you look better and feel better about yourself. Breathe! Relax as much as you can and just know what your feeling is NORMAL so fresh from a break up. My GF got dumped in a horrible way in her last relationship. She has the best mental health of anyone I know. She became depressed and anxious afterwards for a few months. As soon as her nerves and emotions calmed down, both symptoms resolved and she's back to herself. Thank you so much for your reply. I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was a child, so this isn't anything new for me. It's just more extreme - instead of having up and down weeks, I've been having up and down days and hours. How do you deal with the urge to text your ex when something occurs? I just naturally think about texting him when I see something or experience something. I also overthink a LOT and when there is an extended period of time in which we do not speak, I panic and think something has gone wrong and he hates me and a lot of other irrational things. That is when I cave and text him about something funny or something just in general, and then I relax when he replies.
Jamesdk Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 "How do you deal with the urge to text your ex when something occurs? I just naturally think about texting him when I see something or experience something. I also overthink a LOT and when there is an extended period of time in which we do not speak, I panic and think something has gone wrong and he hates me and a lot of other irrational things. That is when I cave and text him about something funny or something just in general, and then I relax when he replies." This is exactly how I feel. I just want to txt her all the time. Even if she texts me back and it's something bad I think some contact is better than none. I have no idea how to cope!!
aloneinaz Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 How do you deal with the urge to text your ex when something occurs? I just naturally think about texting him when I see something or experience something. I also overthink a LOT and when there is an extended period of time in which we do not speak, I panic and think something has gone wrong and he hates me and a lot of other irrational things. That is when I cave and text him about something funny or something just in general, and then I relax when he replies. Yes, these situations will elevate anyone's natural anxiety or depression. To your question above, listen. He's become a habit. You're use to having him there to text, send a joke to, etc.. Now, like a smoker, you have to break that habit. Reach out to a friend or family member and ask them for help. Let them know you want to text them instead of him when one of these strong urges comes over you. Think of it this way too. You're not being fair to him either by contacting him. He's wanting to heal and move on from the relationship as well. It's very hard. I've been there but it's also very do-able. You just need to recognize he's not that go to person anymore and you'll find another one somewhere down the line. You can do this. Each day of NC becomes easier and easier. The waves or urges to contact them will become less powerful and will ease as each day of NC passes.
Author jap26 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Yes, these situations will elevate anyone's natural anxiety or depression. To your question above, listen. He's become a habit. You're use to having him there to text, send a joke to, etc.. Now, like a smoker, you have to break that habit. Reach out to a friend or family member and ask them for help. Let them know you want to text them instead of him when one of these strong urges comes over you. Think of it this way too. You're not being fair to him either by contacting him. He's wanting to heal and move on from the relationship as well. It's very hard. I've been there but it's also very do-able. You just need to recognize he's not that go to person anymore and you'll find another one somewhere down the line. You can do this. Each day of NC becomes easier and easier. The waves or urges to contact them will become less powerful and will ease as each day of NC passes. While this relationship was only nine months, I got out of a five-year relationship last year and had NO issues with NC until my ex and I were in a different place. My ex of five years and I are great friends now. It's crazy how each relationship impacts you in different ways.
aloneinaz Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 While this relationship was only nine months, I got out of a five-year relationship last year and had NO issues with NC until my ex and I were in a different place. My ex of five years and I are great friends now. It's crazy how each relationship impacts you in different ways. Yes it is crazy. I ended a 11 year marriage that in my view was terrible several years ago. There's NOTHING I miss about her and I never had a second thought. Re-read what you said above. You've survived longer relationships and moved onto new ones. You will do this again. Just stop the contact as it will hold you back.
Author jap26 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 One thing I am curious to see is, he is very adamant about us being friends. He doesn't want to lose me from his life, yet I have been the one since the breakup to initiate contact. It will be interesting to see if I stop messaging him if he will begin to message me, or if he is just lonely and doesn't want to lose contact because he is thinking of himself and his own loneliness. I just need to have the strength to not message him first. It's so hard for me, in any aspect, to not care and love with my whole heart, even after things have ended. Gah. A blessing and a curse. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 One thing I am curious to see is, he is very adamant about us being friends. He doesn't want to lose me from his life, yet I have been the one since the breakup to initiate contact. It will be interesting to see if I stop messaging him if he will begin to message me, or if he is just lonely and doesn't want to lose contact because he is thinking of himself and his own loneliness. I just need to have the strength to not message him first. It's so hard for me, in any aspect, to not care and love with my whole heart, even after things have ended. Gah. A blessing and a curse. I wondered if this was going to happen. Three days is not nearly enough to be as over someone as you seemed to be... I completely agree that you're going to have to go NC to get past this. You've had enough of us on here saying the same thing, and we've been where you are. You're going to have to suck it up and fight the urge to text him, it's the only way. Right now, you're in a bit of denial. You may have accepted that the relationship is over, but not what that actually means. It means that you aren't each others' emotional support anymore. He's not the first one to call with any good or bad news. That's going to be hard to get past, and the sooner you break yourself of that habit, the better for you. You said that if he doesn't respond to a text right away, you cry. This is an emotional response, which you're trying to handle rationally. It isn't going to work that way. You need to let yourself be sad, grieve the loss of him in your life, and be ok with being kind of a mess for a while. You can look at the fact that it ended well as logically as you want, and have as many reasons why you should be ok with it all as you want, but you're still going to be upset. You can't fool emotions. I know you may not think so, but not blocking him is causing you so much unnecessary stress. Just the way you get all nervous/excited when your phone pings, wondering if its from him is harmful. Send him a message that you're cutting communication for a bit, and do so. If you take no other advice, take ours on the NC thing.
aloneinaz Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Yup... we're all saying it. Go NC. You simply can't be "friends" with a former lover so fresh from a break up. It simply doesn't work. It will only drag out both of yours healing from the relationship. Some people NEVER want to talk to an ex again while others do become friendly with an ex after several years have past. I'm FB friends with a couple of ex GF's from a couple of decades ago. We visit every once in a while, wish each other happy birthday, etc.. It's nice being on good terms with people who were once such a big part of our lives. Pls listen to all the veterans who know the best way to move forward.
Satu Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Forget the friendship for a while at least, it will just make things harder for you.
Author jap26 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 You are all right, and I know you are. I've had to do the same thing with previous ex's, and while I am not friends with all of them, there are a few that I have caught up with after a few weeks/months and we were both in better places. I guess it just terrifies me to have that no contact and have the possiblity that he will just never speak to me again. I love and care with all my heart, and don't want to throw something that meant a lot to me away like that. I am very emotional right now, but very thankful for all of you. Thank you for your advice, and anything more is very very appreciated.
minime13 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I deal with a lot of anxiety and depression, and since I made that post on Monday, I have been doing TERRIBLY. Continually crying, panic attacks, no appetite, consistently tense... it's up and down so much that I can't tell you how I'll feel in the next twenty minutes. One thing that is very hard for me is that I am alone this summer - I do not have any friends or family or roommates around me, and I am physically alone for 90% of my time, even when I'm at work (I have my own office). My ex and I are fine - we're good friends, and there is no tension (at least on his end) between us. I am over the breakup in the sense that I do not want to get back together with him - there were numerous things that just didn't fit the mold of what I would want for a long-term partner. We had something good, and I appreciate the time we spent together, but I understand it is over. I am very thankful that we are still friends, and it is nice to still have him in my life (and not feel a need for reconciliation). These two paragraphs cannot exist on the same plane. The first one disproves the other. Lose the ex. Completely. Then paragraph one will start to clear up.
Yummm Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Jap these guys know what they are talking about! Stick to NC, it really empowers you and gets your emotions settled after a while. It is so hard at first, but DOES get easier. Ride the wave, up and down... If you want to you can check my thread and have a look at my situation - 4 weeks post BU and it has been such an emotional rollercoaster - but 3 weeks of NC and she has already started to grab attention from me and I suddenly feel like I am slowly getting my power back. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/530753-much-appreciated
Thecondor1991 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 After a break up it is very normal to have crazy highs and lows. The first and second weeks after my break up I cried, I got angry, I lost interest in everything I have ever been interested in, I got motivated, then cried again, then lost motivation, then got angry again, then got motivated, then cried, then....you get the idea. My point is its going on a full month since my break up and I have to say, things have gotten easier. Do I miss her? All the time. Do I feel down every now and then? You bet. However, I am getting better. I can feel it, and it feels good. I don't know how long its going to take me to completely get over her could be a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or a few years. My advice is Just accept things for what they are, ride the emotional wave, and just give yourself time.
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