hoplessly_hoping Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Hi, This is a bit of a long one so I am sorry, but I am losing control of myself and I don't know what to do. I recently broke up with my ex-fiancé about a month ago. We had been together for 3 years. Last year I gave birth to a still born which tore me apart, I grieved and then focused my efforts on becoming pregnant again as I was desperate to be a mom. He has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship who lived with us half the time, and I couldn't have loved that little boy more even if he was mine. We were planning our wedding and actively trying for a baby. I thought we were happy. Then one evening something happened, I found evidence that he had been sexting another woman. This was last year about the time I lost the baby. I am 99% positive that, that was all it was as there was no more conversations of that nature. I walked out, I was so angry I packed up and went to stay with a friend. Since then I have had few messages exchanged between us. He has blocked me from FB and won't talk to me to even discuss this. I don't understand that we can go through so much together and then nothing not even a conversation to see if we can work through this. I have lost everything. My step son (as ex refuses to even let me say goodbye to him), my fiancé, my home, and all our plans, and all the things we have shared together. I have even asked him out right (through text) if we are over and can we not even talk to see if we can work this out, and he will dodge the question and answer in a cryptic message which is neither a yes or no. Mutual friends are getting the same message not really talking about it, and saying that he thinks I need to get myself sorted before anything, I have tried to commit suicide I felt I lost everything and couldn't think of a way out of this pain. I honestly don't know what to do. I love this man with all my heart and I am finding it hard to walk away. I am trying to get my life back on track, I am sofa surfing at the moment as I cannot afford accommodation at the moment, and looking for a new job (as I lost mine after being signed off work through depression of the split), Im having councilling, and I am on anti depressants. What more can I do to prove to him that I love him, and I am trying to get better and I want him back...even a discussion with him would help so I can maybe get some answers on what has happened and what he is thinking.
DexterLS Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I am so sorry you are going through this. My advice is to get your life back on track first. That is the most important issue you have to focus on right now, become independent and financially stable. I am not telling you to forget him but if he hasn't even called you to sort things out when he was clearly the one to be blamed for this, it speaks a lot about what he wants going forward. Go No Contact and focus on yourself first.
aloneinaz Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Yes, I'm also sorry to hear you're going thru such a rough patch. I also agree that you need to focus on yourself first. Get re-employed, find a place that's yours and focus on getting thru your depression. Be kind and don't put pressure on yourself to "resolve" this situation with your ex. Clearly, he isn't wanting to reconcile with you at this point. So, ACCEPT that and work on you. You'll feel a lot better if you can have no further contact with him as it's only making you stay in the middle of all that drama. What you're going thru, millions have as well. Allow yourself to feel poorly right now and recognize that you will get better.
Author hoplessly_hoping Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 Thank you. It has been so hard. I just want a discussion with him, I have so much anxiety over this it is unbelievable I have been having full blown panic attacks. I am getting better day by day. I have a job interview lined up for next week, I am seeing my girlfriends a lot more (although I am not much company at the moment as all I go on about is this). But I do have some savings from a house I sold, if I can get a job I can then go any buy instead of waste my money renting. So I am looking forward...I have even just done an exercise DVD. Anything to just keep my mind occupied. I know that me and him never had the best relationship but I truly believed we were both happy. We normally managed to get through everything. I leant on him, he leant on me...or so I thought. I just cant understand how somebody can just turn off their feelings with such ease. He is acting like he hates me. I am starting the NC once again...although I have only managed 4 days...but got to start somewhere right!! I know that I will get better, and I will have a new life waiting for me, but the thing is I just don't want to have a life without him. I know that sounds so ridiculous, but it is true. I find it so hard to even imagine being with anybody else.
Chi townD Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 First off, let me say that I'm sorry for your loss and I'm also sorry for what you are going through. Now, let me say this about your Ex. He is an immature little prick. You caught him with his hand in the cookie jar and now he's throwing a fit and going out of his way to hurt you. And you wanted to commit suicide over someone like that?!?!?! Girl, not one person on this planet is worth losing your life over. NOT EVER!!! If you feel suicidal again, PLEASE go to the hospital. Now, you hit rock bottom. Well, there's only one direction to go and that's up! This is the time to get your revenge! And the best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life. You need to make positive changes in your life. You need to start loving yourself! If you can't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to love you! Look, I know you're heartbroken. I get it. But, this guy isn't the right guy for you. And when you REALLY think about it with your brain and not your heart, I think you'll agree. I mean, you lost your baby! When you needed him the most, what was he doing? Sexting some other woman! Seriously?!?! This was his child too, and he was chatting it up with someone else during this time?!?!?! Give me a break! Look, you have to start looking at this as maybe this is just one more heartbreak closer to the guy that you're TRULY meant to be with.
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Please accept my condolences on the loss of your child. Such a devastating event can often have far reaching consequences. Here it was part of a chain of events driving you apart. Although you love him, your former FI doesn't love you enough. He wasn't support enough after loss. He was off sexting another woman while you were grieving. This is not a good guy. Since you agree that you "never had the best relationship" this was probably just the nail in the coffin but in the long run you dodged a bullet. Keeping yourself occupied & your mind off him is good. It's beyond maddening when with all your shared history they won't talk to you even. That is so immature. While I'm a huge proponent of NC I don't think it should be used a weapon to further wound somebody who is looking for a last conversation. (Notice I didn't say closure) I do know how you feel. I had a friend of 40 years go nuts on me recently & refuse to talk about the issues. I didn't want to have a fight by text or e-mail but she wouldn't get on the phone with me & she just moved 2,000 miles away so in person wasn't an option. Her lack of communication was maddening & I still don't understand it. But some people are just mean. That's all there is to it. Part of my healing including posting passive aggressive words of wisdom on FB. Yeah I know it's FB. But it made me feel better. One of my favorites was You can stick a rose in an ********* but that doesn't make it a vase. Focus on you, your needs & your healing. Good luck.
aloneinaz Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Thank you. It has been so hard. I just want a discussion with him, I have so much anxiety over this it is unbelievable I have been having full blown panic attacks. I am getting better day by day.. Anxiety sucks. Most people experience it in their lives when their stress buckets over fill. Panic attacks are the plateau of anxiety. Once your life settles down, the anxiety will ease or pass. Just be mindful of your anti-depressants as some can cause anxiety by themselves. Make sure you read up on your meds as well. If they are increasing your anxiety, talk to your doctor. He may find another one that helps with your depression but doesn't raise anxiety levels. I am starting the NC once again...although I have only managed 4 days...but got to start somewhere right!! I know that I will get better, and I will have a new life waiting for me, but the thing is I just don't want to have a life without him. I know that sounds so ridiculous, but it is true. I find it so hard to even imagine being with anybody else. Keep reading on this site. NC is extremely valuable and helps you heal and move forward. Having any contact with an ex only keeps the pain, hurt, stress and anxiety at high levels. EVERYONE feels like the ex who dumped them was the only one for them. It's so normal. As time away from them passes, you'll come to realize that they weren't all that and the relationship really was dysfunctional and toxic. Your doing a lot of positive things to pull yourself back up. Keep it up and you'll see quick dividends from your efforts. As the other poster stated, if you ever feel suicidal again, go to the hospital and get help. No one of this earth is ever worth taking your life over. NO ONE.. Keep posting here for support as it does help too! Keep kicking butt towards getting back on you feet!
kdgsupermom Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Wow you have been through a lot. I am sorry things are this way. I am glad you are going to counseling and productively getting your life back together. I know its probably very hard for you right now but maybe time apart will give you the opportunity to focus on you and healing emotionally from past experiences. I would imagine it is hard trying to take care of your needs and supply someone's needs. I think being with someone who is unsure about the relationship would only cause more stress. You sound like an awesome person that is deserving of unconditional love and a total committed relationship. This closed door may open up the door for a much more fulfilling relationship. May God bless you abundantly, kdgsupermom
devilish innocent Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I read your previous thread. I think when you got mad and left, it wasn't just a about the sexting. There were a lot of issues in your relationships that had been building up your resentment toward him. The sexting was just the thing that pushed you over the edge. Now you miss him and want him back. But even if you had him back, you'd probably be unhappy. He wasn't there for you as a romantic partner should be. That he doesn't want to work things out is just another sign that you're not a priority for him. You deserve so much better. It's normal to want him now. You'll look back some day, though, and realize you are better off without him.
Thecondor1991 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I dealt with a similar situation that you can read here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/531106-full-story-end-my-story-long Now I know what your going through is hard. I've gone through a lot of the same kinds of things. In fact Im still dealing with the after effects of my ex bailing on me. You have to look at your situation for what it is. you guys were having problems, the sexting was the final straw for you(understandably). If this man was willing to sext some chick then he would be just as willing to have sex with some chick. When you really love someone you don't do those kinds of things. Seems to me he was already planning on calling it quits before you found out, and the fact that he was doing this just after you two lost a child further cements the fact that the guy has completely checked out of this relationship. Listen love, I know the depression makes things so much worse TRUST ME. However I really believe you need to stop trying to talk to him and focus on getting control of your emotions and depression.
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