How should I handle this situation?

[Valkyriah]

Hi there,

 

Yesterday night, my boyfriend of just over a year came over to talk, and he told me his concerns about what was going on with him and our relationship. He's been having a VERY difficult time with his own personal mental and emotional health. It's my understanding that he feels adrift, purposeless, and he doesn't know how to fix things. I think he's overwhelmed with some of the things going on in his life right now (issues with a roommate, financial uncertainties, isolating himself from people who he cares about and who care about him). He basically says that he doesn't feel as strongly about me as he had, but it's hard for me to separate that from the fact that he doesn't seem to care about much. He's so depressed that I don't think he's feeling normal in almost any aspect of his life. He said he was leaning toward breaking up, but he also admitted he was very unsure about that decision.

 

Honestly, I'm not great myself recently, too. I don't think it has anything to do WITH him - I'm having serious issues at work, and I'm probably going to be changing careers soon. I have some of my own anxiety issues to work on.

 

I suppose I should mention that we're both in our mid-late twenties. This isn't the first serious relationship for either of us - we both had been engaged before and had that end before the wedding.

 

I think that he's right that we probably need some time to figure out ourselves and work through some issues, but this doesn't feel finished to me. He's started to work with a therapist, and he says he's going to focus on his job.

 

I expressed myself poorly last night when he asked me about what I was thinking and feeling. I asked him to give me some time to gather my thoughts and figure out what I thought. I sent him a (lengthy) e-mail about where I was coming from (basically, that I thought that we both have things we need to work on separately and, if it's something we want to do, together, but that I wanted to explore the possibility of trying to fix the things that we could fix together, too). We're going to meet up sometime early next week to talk a bit.

 

If he's not willing to consider the possibility of trying to work together (or at least not now), then it's pretty clear where I go from there.

 

However, if he is willing and interested, I'm trying to figure out how we would proceed in order to give the other enough space to grow and make ourselves the best we can be as well as hopefully getting back to what we had not so long ago (and better!). Should we take some time completely apart to make sure that's what we want and concentrate on our own problems? If so, how long would be reasonable to start with? Should we have limited contact (if so, I have absolutely no idea what that should look like)? Should we not contact each other indefinitely until we might feel strongly about reaching out to the other?

 

This man makes my world just stop. I've had relationships before - this one is different. I've known since almost the first moment I met him that he's the one I want. If it's best for him to be without me, then I'll work on moving on and hope for his happiness. It's just nagging at me that he's in such a difficult place in his life right now, and things were so wonderful for so long.

 

I just want whatever is the best for both of us. Yeah, I'm hoping it's together, but if it's not, I'll do it. I just have absolutely no idea how to deal with such severe depression and what might be successful or what might be more harmful.

 

Any advice, stories, or insights would be so, so appreciated.

[Thecondor1991]

Hi there,

 

Yesterday night, my boyfriend of just over a year came over to talk, and he told me his concerns about what was going on with him and our relationship. He's been having a VERY difficult time with his own personal mental and emotional health. It's my understanding that he feels adrift, purposeless, and he doesn't know how to fix things. I think he's overwhelmed with some of the things going on in his life right now (issues with a roommate, financial uncertainties, isolating himself from people who he cares about and who care about him). He basically says that he doesn't feel as strongly about me as he had, but it's hard for me to separate that from the fact that he doesn't seem to care about much. He's so depressed that I don't think he's feeling normal in almost any aspect of his life. He said he was leaning toward breaking up, but he also admitted he was very unsure about that decision.

 

Honestly, I'm not great myself recently, too. I don't think it has anything to do WITH him - I'm having serious issues at work, and I'm probably going to be changing careers soon. I have some of my own anxiety issues to work on.

 

I suppose I should mention that we're both in our mid-late twenties. This isn't the first serious relationship for either of us - we both had been engaged before and had that end before the wedding.

 

I think that he's right that we probably need some time to figure out ourselves and work through some issues, but this doesn't feel finished to me. He's started to work with a therapist, and he says he's going to focus on his job.

 

I expressed myself poorly last night when he asked me about what I was thinking and feeling. I asked him to give me some time to gather my thoughts and figure out what I thought. I sent him a (lengthy) e-mail about where I was coming from (basically, that I thought that we both have things we need to work on separately and, if it's something we want to do, together, but that I wanted to explore the possibility of trying to fix the things that we could fix together, too). We're going to meet up sometime early next week to talk a bit.

 

If he's not willing to consider the possibility of trying to work together (or at least not now), then it's pretty clear where I go from there.

 

However, if he is willing and interested, I'm trying to figure out how we would proceed in order to give the other enough space to grow and make ourselves the best we can be as well as hopefully getting back to what we had not so long ago (and better!). Should we take some time completely apart to make sure that's what we want and concentrate on our own problems? If so, how long would be reasonable to start with? Should we have limited contact (if so, I have absolutely no idea what that should look like)? Should we not contact each other indefinitely until we might feel strongly about reaching out to the other?

 

This man makes my world just stop. I've had relationships before - this one is different. I've known since almost the first moment I met him that he's the one I want. If it's best for him to be without me, then I'll work on moving on and hope for his happiness. It's just nagging at me that he's in such a difficult place in his life right now, and things were so wonderful for so long.

 

I just want whatever is the best for both of us. Yeah, I'm hoping it's together, but if it's not, I'll do it. I just have absolutely no idea how to deal with such severe depression and what might be successful or what might be more harmful.

 

Any advice, stories, or insights would be so, so appreciated.

Well this doesn't seem like a full on break up yet. It seems like you both have a lot to work on right now and I think some time apart might do you both some good. In this situation I wouldn't go Nc or anything like that because again it doesn't feel like its 100% a break up. However I would cut back on the contact and just focus on fixing whats wrong in your lives, only contact each other once in a while to check in, if it does become a full on break up then you can decide if Nc is right for you. Thats the best advice I can give for now, If you want to see a story that may make you feel better about you current situation then I think you should check mine out.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/531106-full-story-end-my-story-long

[aloneinaz]

I think what's concerning to me is him considering ending the relationship at all. To me, it could be an indication that he feels you've grown apart or the relationship isn't providing what he needs. I understand he's battling depression and other challenges but.. this is when you usually want to lean on the people you love for their help and support. Grown men go into their "Mommy mode" and want to be pampered by their wives or GF's when they don't feel good. I know I love my GF to pamper me when I'm stressed or sick.

 

 

Anxiety and depression suck and can add a lot of stress and friction to even great relationships. This going on with you isn't helping your anxiety levels either.

 

 

I'm usually not an advocate of taking a "break" from a relationship but in this case, maybe you both need time apart to access things. Maybe one or both of you will discover after a month apart that you don't want to consider restarting the relationship.

 

 

Either way, I think you both need to come up with a decision on the best course of action for you both.

[thekarmacist]

many depressed men take their depression out on their partners- it's quite common.

[Valkyriah]

Thanks so much for the replies. It's nice to get multiple perspectives and ideas on this - it challenges me in a good way.

 

It's been harder for us recently because of schedules, but as of a few days ago when we had last seen each other in person, everything seemed fine. I think we were a little wrapped up in our own lives, but as far as our relationship, it was business as usual. There was a clear date (almost here) where things would change a bunch for me, schedule-wise, and recently he'd been talking about how excited he was to move in together (which we were planning to do later this year). Then, suddenly, he started telling me how he felt so empty and how he feels like a screw up at life, how he's failed at everything he's done, or worse, how he has just given up (all his words). It just is NOT the same man I've known. I can see little pieces of him in there, but he just seems like the joy and happiness is stuffed away and hidden.

 

He's seen a therapist before, but not for a while. I honestly think that it's a distinct possibility that he has bipolar disorder, though I don't have any sort of medical background that would tell me that with any certainty. It's just that I've seen his mood cycle and have ups and downs often enough that I think it might be possible.

 

The thing is, if it's just the depression or mostly the depression (or whatever a concrete diagnosis would be), I wanted to be there for him more than anything. That wasn't ever a question for me. He's always been loving, and wonderful to me through the struggles he's had, and especially through the struggles I've had.

 

I've suggested to him that, if we do decide to work on things, we meet with a counselor together. I have a brother with severe, clinical depression, so I understand some of the challenges of loving someone who struggles with that, but it's always different. I think someone impartial could help us figure that out.

 

In a lot of ways, what I truly want is some time for us to try to figure out some of our own issues, but what scares me the most is an indefinite, limbo kind of feeling. I think I would need a set amount of time - but how do you decide on how much time is reasonable or appropriate? What would he and I be during that type of time. Broken up? Sort of broken up? Together but apart? I don't know what would work for me or what I could handle.

 

Maybe for people who've been on either side of a relationship like this - what's worked? What hasn't? Of course I want what's best for me, but especially since I think he's so fragile right now, I just don't want to somehow drag him through a situation that will make things worse.

[mightycpa]

Depressed people will frequently do the worst things for themselves, or maybe, more precisely, will fail to do the things that are best for themselves.

 

He may feel that he's not living up to your expectations, and he might be right about that.

 

It's a tough call. Personally, I would abandon such a relationship for fear of what my life would be like. Why invite trouble and heartache?

 

That's just me.

[Valkyriah]

I guess that's my problem - I think he's worth the extra trouble and heartache that might be added to my life by being with him. It seems so cliche, but he's like my other half. He adds so much good to my life - his creativity, the way he cares for and about me, the way he challenges me to think about and question things. Of course no one person can meet 100% of another's needs, but for me, he does so much. It just feels right to me, and I know it felt that way to him, too, before this particular depressive episode.

[Zapbasket]

I've been in a similar situation to yours. It's tough, because especially when you care about the other person, it's hard to let go, but you have to. When you're in a relationship, you either work on issues and grow together, or the relationship ends. There really is no middle ground. If either or both of you have issues that stand in the way of sustaining and growing a healthy relationship, then you need to break up. In that space--and only in that space--can you work out your personal issues. If you're meant to be together, then you will find your way back to one another. If not, then either way, you'll end up growing forward with a happier, healthier you, and really, you can't have any kind of successful relationship at all until that is in place.

 

Sometimes, people get depressed, listless and/or anxious because they're in a relationship or situation that is not working for them. They don't know WHAT is responsible for getting them so down / out of sorts, and sometimes they chuck the baby out with the bathwater in an effort to alleviate their difficulties. Meaning, it could be that you are the best thing ever to have happened to him, but he'll distance himself or break himself off from you in some blind attempt to achieve some kind of forward motion.

 

And what sucks is that even if you think that's what he's doing, it's futile to try to convince him to stay. He needs to get his head straight on his own--and only he can decide whether he can manage to do that WITH you, or WITHOUT you. The only thing you can do is make clear that you will not wait for him as some kind of backup plan should he get himself sorted out, that you will not allow the relationship to be put "on hold." He's either in, or he's out.

 

Trust me, it's the only way. If you truly are right for each other, then a breakup right now won't keep you apart in the long term. Don't settle for a relationship that can't withstand life's ups and downs.

[BrokenJourney]

If he's experiencing a clinical depression, it can be so, so hard to handle. They say things and do things that don't seem like themselves. They self-destruct, they can be mean, they make decisions that make no sense.

 

I've been there. My ex-partner cheated on me, told me about it and then dumped me. All while in the midst of what I soon realized was a major clinical depression. We were broken up but living together, and it was hard. So hard.

 

For me, the only thing that worked was when my partner got help, clinical help, as in medication for the depression. After that, the fog lifted, she stopped making such terrible decisions, stopped seeing the affair partner and we got back together. But without the medication and treatment, I doubt it would have happened.

 

If this sounds even a little bit like you, I recommend you read a book called Depression Fallout, which also has a forum associated where you'll find support from many, many people struggling with partners (and ex-partners) with depression.

[minime13]

The things you have discussed (issues that you and your partner have, respectively) are all things that can be worked on and worked out in the right relationship, and if you are both willing to try. All except the depression issue.

 

Depression can kill things that shouldn't be killed - friendships, family bonds, relationships, you name it. Getting the right help for depression - counseling, medication, a combination of treatments - is essential for a suffering person to be able to function well for themselves and others.

 

It's encouraging that he wants to get help. It is something he needs to do for himself, as well as his relationships. Without that, you guys are probably doomed.

 

That being said, if he is serious about getting help, and starts getting help, I think you guys should separate for a while and go your own way - ish. Starting counseling or another treatment regimen is not going to solve problems overnight, and it will take time. He needs to get to a point of feeling his life is worthwhile and not being trapped under the burdens he feels before you two can continue. That will probably take, at the very least, a few weeks. He'll have to gauge that and let you know, and you will have to trust that he will.

 

That doesn't mean simply go your separate ways. If depression is the major problem, and breaking up doesn't seem right, then come to some mutual agreements and guidelines for your break. Will it be more helpful to not see each other, and not talk at all? Will you still see each other as friends, and talk as friends? Will you just keep in touch, and not see each other? Hash out what would work best for the both of you. How long does it last? Mainly up to him, and his treatment success, but there should be some guidelines as far as personal progressions and discoveries in the process. Start with a few weeks, and go from there. Dating rules are a MUST. Both of you need to decide and agree on whether or not you can date other people. When going on a break to sort things out, leaving the option open to date others is the top reason why they fail, because they are not honest breaks. If you are trying to sort out issues in the relationship then you don't need to date other people to do that. I would recommend both of you agreeing to not date, at least in the initial time constraint you are in. Then play it by ear from there.

 

If he's receptive to this and you can both hash out some guidelines to help you out along the way, I would also suggest looking into some kind of group therapy or counseling that tackles dealing with the depression of others. If you guys do make it through this and start working on getting back together, some couple's counseling may be a good idea, too.

 

If he isn't - well, you know what you will do. Wish him the best.

[Valkyriah]

Thank you, all of you.

 

I've been speaking a bit with some of the people closest to him (step brother who he grew up - my guy was best man in his wedding etc., and some of his other close friends), and they seem to think I'm right about this.

 

I thought that I might be reading too much into things, but they seem to think that I'm probably right about this. They've known him for years, and they've seen him in other relationships, and they say that it's been different with me since the beginning. Obviously they don't want to like "force" us together, but they all seem to think that I'm good for him, and they'd really like to see us stay together.

 

I think that's the answer, really: treatment. Maybe it's a little deep down right now, but he knows he needs to get some help. He's tried medication in the past, but he wasn't a fan of the side effects of that particular one. I know that he does want to feel better. I'm worried he's so deep in it that he feels like nothing will help, though.

 

I think this is my answer. I'd like to talk to him in a few days, and if he's willing, I'll ask him to spend some time with me. My ideal situation would be if he'd give me a good bit of time - I'd like to take him to do something special. Or maybe not special, just...good. He's been talking about going to the gym again for a while, and that might be good. I'd like to cook with him - it's something he loves doing, but he hasn't been doing that much at all. I'd also like to, if he's willing, get some people together and go out to the bar or play poker at their place, etc.

 

After that, he and I would have to figure out the structure we'd want because I agree, it's important that we don't try to just jump back in full steam ahead. Whatever way would be the best - I can do that. I'm afraid I'll get a little stir crazy though! It'll be good for me to have some time to focus on me, though, especially with all the changes happening in my own life, too!

 

Thanks again, all. It's so good to hear ideas and perspectives from people who've been in a similar situation. It's good for both perspective that it might not work out but also hope that things could work out perfectly...or, not perfectly, whatever's the closest to perfect a relationship can be (with the right effort on both parts!). I'm just so hopeful that we can get back to focusing on the great things we've had and even better things in the future.