Tell the children they have siblings from affair?

[minimariah]

I'm stunned that as a step parent you think your life would be a thousand times better without your "innocent" step children. Also, that you hate their mother which surely will be obvious to them sooner or later.

 

Redheaded Mistress should get a therapist who knows what to do -- not even so much for the kids, but for HER. this is an emotional MESS that should be obvious to every better trained and experienced therapist and these emotions need to be dealt with - forgiveness, moving on, indifference. she is clearly a target of the BS's abuse in her own sitaution and it shows.

 

also OP - therapy. i hope you know this, this is a MUST in situations like these for both you and your child.

[Noirek]

By the way Raena has told the story. All the details over this family from her part (choosing to be with a terrible father) to his crazy current girlfriend do leave me wondering the dynamic and personalities involved. I think Raena really needs to work on letting go of her ex once and for all. As was said you can't make anyone do anything outside of legal obligations and so, she needs to stop trying to keep her son and husband with a relationship. Just like he made it clear to OW1 how little he cared about his first child at a time when the child was an inconvenience, he is showing that exact same behaviour to Raena's child. There are a lot of kids who are missing one parent. She can do much better by him than the loser dad has and will. I mean what about all the cruelty he let him be exposed to with current girlfriend? Good riddence to him. The son is young enough to adjust to life without daddy and be okay. Better than then this back and forth.

 

On the aside. An affair child is a human being too and the circumstances mean squat. Ignoring their exsistence is neither right nor moral. Sometimes in life we have to deal with a lot of crap we never asked for or felt was deserved. But no one ever said life was fair.

 

This has nothing to do with BS vs AP. and the people making it that way are simply gaslighting. It is about children and crap parents abandoning the innocent little ones. And some people being okay with that.

[anika99]

Redheaded mistress I have just read this entire thread and I have a question for you:

 

 

I have seen you post on this thread numerous times and say in numerous ways that if a husband cheats and has another child and then his wife takes him back she also has to accept his other child. That she has to see to it that her husband takes care of that child, is a good father to that child and she should also be concerned, caring and nurturing towards that child. She should share responsibility for the child borne of an affair.

 

 

So my question to you is, does the mother of the affair child (the OW) also have to take responsibility, be concerned and care for the children in the MM's marriage? Should she make sure her child is fully aware of the his fathers wife and other children from the onset? Should she be involved in how the MM is raising and parenting the children he had with his wife? Or is it just the BS (OP) who is supposed to care for ALL of the children while the OW just worries about her own child?

 

 

I think the MM in this scenario is despicable. It was horrible of him to abandon the child he had with the OW and equally as horrible of him to abandon the child of his marriage. Both those innocent little children deserve better than that. But this is all on the MM, not the OP. If we are going to blame her for her situation with her child then we have to also blame the OW for what happened to her child as well. She cheated with a MM. She watched this man risk his child's well being for some affair sex. She watched him take time away from his family and his marriage to have an affair so she knew what kind of man he was too. Both the OP and the OW had children with a selfish prick but I don't see you blaming the OW at all for her choices.

 

 

And you are projecting like crazy in this thread. You keep talking like you know exactly what happened and what everyone said and did in this situation. You're so convinced that the OP forced the MM to abandon his child and that's not what happened, but you're like a dog with a bone. You won't accept the truth which is that this man ignored his other child for 6 yrs of his accord. I know and have known several men that have easily walked away from their children, including some kids in my own family. Men abandon their children all the time.

 

 

All the excessively long posts you have made in this thread stating the same things over and over again, all the things you assumed about the OP and her situation, and the way you talk like you know exactly how everything happened, makes you sound a little hysterical and it's kind of obvious that the OP has triggered something in you that actually has little to do with this thread.

[sandylee1]

come on, autumn.

 

i'm sure the statement didn't mean to portray the "affair child" as a less of a child. a child is a child and all children are wonderful and they all deserve love and care and a father who will actually go out of his way, to the end of this Earth to protect them and know them and cherish them and care for them.

 

the circumstances are different, that's all -- and that doesn't even mean the AFFAIR but the fact that the father "chose" his marriage over taking care of his kid. we all know that both of these children deserve the best of care and love that they can possibly get, all kids do.

 

but all of that is not on the OP but on the father. now... how right or wrong was the OP for staying with a dude who abandoned his kid? that's another story for another day.

 

Thank you Minimariah. It's the circumstances surrounding their conception that I mean.

 

A child is a child, is a child

 

In life we make choices. Some good some bad. If your choice was having an affair with a MM, then be prepared to be a single mother and be prepared for the father to decide he doesn't want to play a role in the child's life. You can absolutely go after him for child support but YOU can't force him to be a dad to your child.

 

There's a big difference between being a dad and getting a woman pregnant.

 

The sooner people take responsibility for their own actions, the better. You know there are way more deadbeat fathers than mothers. Men have been knownto abandon their kids for decades. It's not quite so easy for mothers to do that hence a woman should think and be more careful about getting pregnant because much as you may not like it or think it's fair , it's reality. You end up holding the baby . If you don't want your child to have their father involved start by not sleeping with a MM .

[sandylee1]

If he can father a child and abandon it with no thought, he can do it to you and your child with him as well.

 

I AGREE WITH YOU

 

Even then, though, I have an impossible time imagining the situation where a man would say "I don't want anything to do with a child I created" and I'd answer "Ok, good. Nothing wrong with that!"

 

IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAPPEN

 

If she wanted nothing to do with it or him or the dynamic that brings, she should have left then and there.

 

RECONCILIATION IS A CHOICE. THE FATHER DIDN'T WANT ANY INVOLVEMENT WITH HIS CHILD NOT THE OP.

 

It's punishing the child for the transgression of the parents. It's using the child as a weapon. That's really not Ok.

 

SOMETIMES CHILDREN PAY FOR THEIR PARENT'S BAD CHOICES. IT'S UNFORTUNATE BUT TRUE . YOU HEAR OF CHILDREN OF SERIOUS CRIMINALS BEING TAUNTED AT SCHOOL OR DRIVEN OUT OF THEIR HOMES . IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT BUT THEY PAY THE PRICE.

I USE THIS EXAMPLE AS AN ILLUSTRATION I AM NOT COMPARING A CHEATER TO A CRIMINAL . JUST THE ACTIONS OF DOING SOMETHING THAT IMPACTS ON YOUR INNOCENT CHILD .

 

You don't get to say "I want nothing to do with that child" because you don't like that it was "the product of an affair."

 

 

YOU CAN'T TELL A BW WHAT SHE CAN OR CAN'T SAY AND THIS OP ISN'T SAYING THAT. WHY SHOULD A BW BE ALL HEARTS AND ROSES, WHEN HER FEELINGS MEANT NOTHING IN THE AFFAIR?

 

 

If I wanted supervised visitation at a neutral location and he only wanted unsupervised in a home that is hers and can't prove she's vacated during visits, I'd say no too.

 

IF IT BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH DON'T HAVE A CHILD WITH A MM.

 

 

There is zero difference. The day he said he had an affair and there was a child that resulted and she responded by taking him back was the day she became a stepparent to this child.

 

YOU ARE NOT A STEP PARENT TO THE CHILD OF YOUR HUSBAND'S OW, IF THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR LIFE.

 

Your family most certainly does have financial responsibility to that child

 

THE FATHER IS FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE NOT MY ENTIRE FAMILY.

 

If she can't deal with an "affair child," then she should leave. It's just that simple. If it's too much to ask to take her husband back with the full realization of the affair and all that resulted from it, then she's not cut out for that marriage.

 

YOU DON'T GET TO TELL A BW HOW TO RECONCILE THOUGH. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HOW SHE DEALS WITH IT.

 

 

A BW, under no circumstances whatsoever, can just opt out of dealing with her stepchild or asking her husband to opt out of raising the child, even if it came from an affair.

 

AGAIN THIS WOULDN'T BE YOUR DECISION. IF SHE WANTS SHE CAN IT'S UP TO HER HUSBAND TO DECIDE . MANY HUSBANDS DECIDE THE MARRIAGE AND HIS FAMILY ARE HIS PRIORITY OVER THE OW/OC AND DECIDE TO ONLY SUPPORT FINANCIALLY IN ORDER TO RECONCILE.

 

I'VE KNOWN OF GRANDPARENTS TO DISINHERIT THEIR SON FOLLOWING A LOVECHILD, TO ENSURE THE CHILD DIDN'T GET ANY MONEY . THAT'S HOW STRONGLY SOME PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT IT.

 

Your feelings as a BW mean nothing to the feelings of the child.

 

YOU CANNOT INVALIDATE THE FEELINGS OF A BW. IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE TO DO THAT.

 

 

So are you saying that because the affair was bad, it's perfectly OK to treat the child badly?

 

I NEVER SAID THE CHILD SHOULD BE TREATED BADLY.

 

 

The affair isn't the be all and end all of life and the world.

 

YOU CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR YOURSELF HERE

 

Because not only is that not true in many, many, many states, it's as morally repugnant as ditching paying your child support.

 

AS IS HAVING AN AFFAIR MORALLY REPUGNANT TO MANY PEOPLE.

 

I've had an OW screaming at me down the phone because her child was getting nothing when the father (our employee ) died.

 

 

The affair? That you'll get over. You'll move on and so will life. A child who has no father, who may or may not be sending child support, who's being referred to as an "affair child" and a "love child" as grounds for treating it badly? That's a bigger transgression than the affair will ever be

 

YOU'RE MINIMISING THE BETRAYAL

 

 

Children are not the means to execute a "these are your consequences for sleeping with married men" morality lessons.

 

THE MINUTE YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH A MM YOU DEAL WITH EVERYTHING THAT COMES WITH IT.

 

 

And it's funny the things a girl will do when she's in love, or when she hears a guy tell her everything she's ever wanted to hear.

 

YOU HAVE POOR BOUNDARIES TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A MM

 

 

 

I'm not one who subscribes to this philosophy that a BW who chooses to stay now becomes the God of the marriage who calls each and every shot and lords over the cheating spouse over each and every thing.

 

NOT YOUR MARRIAGE NOT YOUR CALL.

 

 

RHM - I have to apologise again for caps I'm not shouting.

 

I knowknow someone in real life who transferred the majority of his assets to his wife to protect her and the children of the marriage m so the OC wouldn't get anan equal share upon his death.

 

He said it was to show his commitment to her because of the devastation his stupidy had caused their entire family .

 

OF COURSE AS THE OW/OC THIS ISN'T FAIR TO YOU, BUT THE WH/OW DIDN'T CONSIDER FAIRNESS DURING THE AFFAIR . IT'S NOT FAIR.....LIFE ISN'T FAIR.

 

If the father and wife want to ensure the OC, gets nothing. That's exactly what will happen.

Edited June 5, 2015 by sandylee1
edit caps

[cocorico]

 

A CHILD CONCEIVED IN MARRIAGE IS LEGITIMATE . THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO AFFAIRS AND HAVING YOUR CHILD IGNORED BY THE FATHER COULD BE ONE OF THEM.

 

 

 

Raena was no married to the father. Her child is no more "legitimate" than his other children. He has three children, by three different mothers, none of which was conceived "legitimately" within the confines of a marriage.

 

So this point, and all the other posts insisting that "an affair child is different", are moot.

 

This man had three relationships - some of them synchronous with other relationships - that resulted in three children being conceived. Each of these children has exactly the same claim to recognition by their father. No child has a greater, or more just, claim.

 

If you lie to your child - directly, or by omission, about their having a sibling, and they later find out about the lie, you share the guilt. Yes, you may have hoped someone else would deal with it, but they didn't, you are implicated.

 

If you are happy - or even insist, according to an earlier thread - that your babydaddy not have a R with his other kids, you cannot be upset when, in turn, he chooses not to have a R with the one he has spawned with you. You have enabled - encouraged, or even insisted on - this behaviour before. You cannot object to it when it gets turned your way. Chickens do come home to roost.

 

Facebook policies for account creation (apparently now 13, rather than 18) exist for a reason. A parent would have to enable a child to lie to bypass that requirement. This is in direct contravention to the terms you sign up to - or, breach of contract - and so any "harm" that results from the illegitimate / uncontractual use of the platform (ie the child finding out about his sibling) is the fault of those adults who enabled this illegitimate / uncontractual use. So, Raena and her child's father are jointly and severally responsible for any hurt - rather than the father's GF who is at liberty to post whatever she likes (within the rules of Facebook). Posting photos and tagging others is perfectly legit. If a child who is too young to have an account sees those photos it is not the fault of the person who posted them, but the person/s who illegally granted access to that child.

 

Defending someone's irresponsible, illegal and immoral behaviour simply because others have also been irresponsible or immoral doesn't cut it. Yes, the father is irresponsible, spawning kids left, right and centre and not doing right by them. Yes, he seems to have pretty poor taste in women. Yes, none of the "adults" in this scenario seem to live too far from a Jerry Springer episode... But that does not absolve the OP for her own culpability for enabling and contributing to this situation.

 

I pity *all* of the children.

[sandylee1]

Just as a BW could not control the actions of her husband or the OW during the affair the WH/OW cannot control the actions of BW after the affair . How a BW chooses to behave post affair within the law is entirely up to her.

 

How any BW chooses to deal with an OC is up to her. Nobody gets to tell anyone else how they feel or should behave or what she has to accept if she chooses to reconcile with a WH. If a WH does not accept any conditions of reconciliation he has every right to file for D.

 

Raena has done nothing wrong and as any mother, she's looking out for her child . Her child is her priority. She went along with what her H wanted. I don't see why she should confuse her son when his dad didn't want him to know about it.

 

Raena - there's nothing you did wrong in this situation and you were caught of guard with the photo

 

It's no good for people to be jumping up and down saying 'it's not moral'. The same morals clearly meant nothing during the affair and I don't buy the excuse of not being able to help who you fail in love with.

[autumnnight]

come on, autumn.

 

i'm sure the statement didn't mean to portray the "affair child" as a less of a child. a child is a child and all children are wonderful and they all deserve love and care and a father who will actually go out of his way, to the end of this Earth to protect them and know them and cherish them and care for them.

 

the circumstances are different, that's all -- and that doesn't even mean the AFFAIR but the fact that the father "chose" his marriage over taking care of his kid. we all know that both of these children deserve the best of care and love that they can possibly get, all kids do.

 

but all of that is not on the OP but on the father. now... how right or wrong was the OP for staying with a dude who abandoned his kid? that's another story for another day.

 

Oh, I don't think OP is to blame for the father's desire to keep his child secret OR his abandonment. The OP was terribly betrayed.

 

But let's get real; there are lots of people who DO see any child conceived in an affair as deserving of their own little scarlet A. All you have to do is read around a variety of sites to see that crystal clear.

[Sub]

But let's get real; there are lots of people who DO see any child conceived in an affair as deserving of their own little scarlet A. All you have to do is read around a variety of sites to see that crystal clear.

 

I'm not going to disagree, but that wasn't the case here. Raena addressed the circumstances around the child her H had with OW in an older thread. I think if people want to debate whether she handled that properly, they can find it, read what she said, and talk about it there. She definitely doesn't come off as a bitter, child-hating, BS IMO. And it adds some perspective to that whole, very complicated situation.

 

But it's somewhat besides the point right now. Raena split from the man over a year ago. She's dealing with the now. And NOW, her responsibility is to her son. And she's made him aware of the half-sibling, in spite of how poorly the father has acted and his unwillingness to take an active role in the kids life. Her issues with the GF are well-documented. So...this chapter in her story isn't about painting the other child with a scarlet A. I don't sense any malice towards the child. It's strictly about her doing what she she feels is best for her own kid, and how the GF is interjecting herself into Raena's attempts to keep some sort of line of communication open with his father. Anyone making this into a "Raena hates the other kid" thread is just projecting, IMO.

[minimariah]

But let's get real; there are lots of people who DO see any child conceived in an affair as deserving of their own little scarlet A. All you have to do is read around a variety of sites to see that crystal clear.

 

we can all agree about this -- the problem is that people are constantly acting as if that's the case with the OP, too & they don't know anything about her story. from her posts, i didn't see her "hatred" for the other child -- i see a worried mother who is doing the best she can.

 

people are always looking for "innocents" and "villains" - there is no such thing. the OP is a normal human, a mother who is raising her kid the best way she knows how. just like there is no need to make a victim out of her - there is no need to make her out to be some scorned W, a villain which is something more than one poster tried to do.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I'm stunned that as a step parent you think your life would be a thousand times better without your "innocent" step children.

 

That is not at all what I said. I said:

 

I'm a stepparent and my life would be a thousand times better if I didn't have to deal with what comes of having stepchildren.

 

I don't think my life would be better without my stepchildren. But I do think life would be better if we didn't have to deal with what comes with having them.

 

The texts at midnight because she can't find a shirt she thinks we have, then texts every 15 minutes after until we answer. The allegations that we were stealing the kid's diapers to avoid buying diapers of our own. The bribing the kids to behave badly in the hopes we'll fight and the kids not knowing what to do because on one hand they want to please their mother and they'll be punished if they don't do what she wants, but they don't want to do things that are obviously wrong. Our child crying his eyes out on his birthday at his family party because his ex decided that the kids can't come over, despite the fact they were supposed to and it was our day to see them, and telling them that "he's not that important..." And not telling us until an hour after they were supposed to be there. Her referring to our son as "the little ba*****" for the first several years of his life. Being dragged to court over 30 times for everything from getting an order that forbids our son from being named "husband's name Jr" (which we weren't going to do) to forbidding me to practice my religion because it's "evil" to an attempt to have our time reduced because we were going on a "family vacation" and not taking the kids when in reality we were doing a three night adults-only trip with none of the kids.

 

All of that I would very gladly do without.

 

Also, that you hate their mother which surely will be obvious to them sooner or later.

 

When I'm at home, with my husband, I don't make a secret of the fact I don't like her. I shouldn't have to. We're both entitled to our opinions.

 

But as far as the kids know, including my own, I have no issues with her. I've never said or implied anything bad about her and, in reality, have been the one to try to be her advocate when the kids struggle in their relationship with her at our house. When she left the kids with us overnight because she "didn't feel like" getting them, my husband and I talked about how ridiculously irresponsible she was the next day, when all the kids were gone. But when it came to the kids, we said she was very sick and couldn't come get them. When they wanted to make her "get well" cards, not only did I encourage it, but I printed out pictures I had of her and the kids from one of the kid's graduations I was hired to photograph.

 

I think as Mini said, you have your own work to do before counseling others on how they should parent. Perhaps you should start your own thread to address these issues.

 

While I realize that's more of a dig than a helpful suggestion, I appreciate the advice. However, it's totally unnecessary. The advice to "get help" is born more out of a mis-quoting of what you think I said and the fact that I disagree with folks on how this situation was handled. The first I corrected and the second isn't a valid reason "seek help" on my personal life from people on a forum.

 

In Raena's situation this is all water under the bridge. Do you have any advice going forward about what she should do to protect her son from a bunny boiling OW? Because that is the situation she has been dealing with.

 

Well, I'd say the first step would be to establish she is a "bunny boiling OW." So far, I've not seen anything that points to that being the case. I also told her to stop viewing her husband's social media, and to not give her husband and his girlfriend so much power over the parenting of their son. As she decided to kick him out, she knew the result would be the formal allowing of this woman into her and her son's life, so it really is in her best interest to not passively allow control of important issues like this one to rest with a man she implies is a bad parent (and all evidence points that way) and his girlfriend who she claims is intentionally trying to hurt her and her child.

 

But all of this was said by me already and was lost somewhere in the righteous indignation lobbed my way for saying that how this other child was treated was not great and the situation she's in is partially on her too for giving up too much of her parenting power to her ex.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Redheaded Mistress should get a therapist who knows what to do -- not even so much for the kids, but for HER. this is an emotional MESS that should be obvious to every better trained and experienced therapist and these emotions need to be dealt with - forgiveness, moving on, indifference. she is clearly a target of the BS's abuse in her own sitaution and it shows.

 

also OP - therapy. i hope you know this, this is a MUST in situations like these for both you and your child.

 

I'm going to excuse myself from this discussion. The only reason we're now attacking me is because I had the gall to disagree with how the situation was handled, say that abandoning children was wrong, and that the situation is a mess by the actions of both of them, all of which are true. Saying I need therapy because I don't agree with you is really quite silly.

 

I'm not projecting anything on anybody, despite the fact that people feel perfectly comfortable projecting their situations onto me, even going so far as to say I need therapy and questioning my love of my stepchildren in the same posts they support the abandoning of a child conceived in an affair. While it doesn't bother me in the slightest as I see it for what it is, but still... The irony of it is precious.

 

I think too many people have read this story and not gotten past the part that an affair happened and are giving in to this need to make sure the BS is sainted, the OW and the cheating husband suitably punished, and delighting in issuing what they view as righteous misery against the OW via the child she had and (to a much lesser extent) the cheating husband... When the reality is that this is a messy story where all people involved have made, and continue to make, some very key mistakes that are very obvious when we remove the "ZOMG it's an affair!" hysteria.

Edited June 5, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress

[Sub]

Well, I'd say the first step would be to establish she is a "bunny boiling OW." So far, I've not seen anything that points to that being the case.

I think you're confusing the two OW. The bunny boiler is the current GF, not the mother of the other child. There aren't issues with the other child's mother. And the GF/OW2's crazy behavior is well-documented.

[velvette]

I'm going to excuse myself from this discussion. The only reason we're now attacking me is because I had the gall to disagree with how the situation was handled, say that abandoning children was wrong, and that the situation is a mess by the actions of both of them, all of which are true. Saying I need therapy because I don't agree with you is really quite silly.

 

I'm not projecting anything on anybody, despite the fact that people feel perfectly comfortable projecting their situations onto me, even going so far as to say I need therapy and questioning my love of my stepchildren in the same posts they support the abandoning of a child conceived in an affair. While it doesn't bother me in the slightest as I see it for what it is, but still... The irony of it is precious.

 

I think too many people have read this story and not gotten past the part that an affair happened and are giving in to this need to make sure the BS is sainted, the OW and the cheating husband suitably punished, and delighting in issuing what they view as righteous misery against the OW via the child she had and (to a much lesser extent) the cheating husband... When the reality is that this is a messy story where all people involved have made, and continue to make, some very key mistakes that are very obvious when we remove the "ZOMG it's an affair!" hysteria.

 

 

You have it all wrong. The first OW put her husbands name on the OC birth cert. She wanted Raena's ex to have nothing to do with the child. Nor did she want support from him.

[minimariah]

Saying I need therapy because I don't agree with you is really quite silly.

 

but i never said that - i didn't recommend therapy because you didn't agree with me. i recommended therapy because of your clear personal issues & trauma from dealing with the BS -- it doesn't have anything to do with you agreeing or disagreeing with me. it has everything to do with you hijacking this entire thread to rant about your story that isn't even the least bit similar to the OP's story & it is very clear you were triggered by something. you have more than one person telling you you're wrong and that you're projecting and assuming a lot of things but you'd rather think we're all "attacking" you instead of considering that we might just be on to something.

 

and you're triggered yet again because you took advice & personal criticism as attack. no one is attacking you, people are disagreeing with you and pointing out your projections & personal issues that are obviously not resolved.

 

 

I'm not projecting anything on anybody, despite the fact that people feel perfectly comfortable projecting their situations onto me, even going so far as to say I need therapy and questioning my love of my stepchildren in the same posts they support the abandoning of a child conceived in an affair.

 

just like you're going so far to portray the OP as a scorned, heartless woman who kept her husband away from his child. you assumed a lot of things (posters condoning the abandonment of a child being one of them) and went from those assumptions as they were facts -- that is the definition of projecting. it's painfully obvious, like... i don't even know what to tell you at this point. you assume too much & focus on the facts too little.

 

you don't "see it as it is" - you see it as you WANT to see it & calling it facts.

 

I think too many people have read this story and not gotten past the part that an affair happened...

 

they are -- but you know what the REAL irony is? you aren't. you are the one who remains fixated on the A and on the evil BS agains the MM & his OW scenario. you are the one who keeps creating this story about an evil stepmother failing to take care of her stepchild... when you keep ignoring the fact that the father didn't WANT that child. you're going so far that you blame the OP for not forcing her husband to do right and you're trying to argue with the "well, EYE would never...!" which only shows how unable you are to step back from yourself & look at this sitation from someone else's point of view. you are the one who decided to check back into the OP's history to tell her where exactly she went wrong THEN instead of offering her some advice on the future. the only one focused on the A is -- you; hence your defensiveness and trying to twist the entire story around because you didn't like the BS taking the "innocent one" role.

 

i understand your point about the BS being wrong for keeping quiet about the A and it definitely makes sense, it is logical. but you created an entire other story around that one opinion with a bunch of wrong assumptions even when you had folks telling you about the OP's earlier posts. for example - the OP's husband moved to his child #2 state after their split. that's all the OP is giving you. SOMEHOW -- from that part, you made a conclusion that he ran to the kid #2 AS SOON AS HE DIVORCED and that is some kind of proof to you that the OP must have kept him away from said child and now... that he is free of her, he went to raise the kid. that's just one of many examples of your projections and making up an entire story based on one sentence from the OP.

 

like, why so mad and offended on the therapy recommendation? people tell me to go to therapy every single day. it isn't an insult, it is someone else pointing out your outbursts. i explained why i think you need a better therapist and you twisted the story again saying i used it as some kind of "insult" because you're not agreeing with me. it's just not my MO.

 

i didn't recommend therapy out of spite or to be mean -- i recommended it because i know how to recognize a problem when i see one & you definitely have issues to deal with. the tension is palpable and i assume that you were so abused & attacked by the BS that every criticism seems like something you need to defend yourself from -- hence you "excusing yourself from the discussion" when you're challenged and feel like you're yet again, a target.

Edited June 5, 2015 by minimariah

[violet1]

Raena,

 

 

This is such an emotional topic for many, but you did the right thing by telling your son he has a brother. Your ex should have told him, but that's on him. It will come back to bite him one day.

 

 

We found out about my oldest stepdaughter when she was 4 1/2 years old. My H's other daughter from his ex wife was 3 at the time. At first, my H was going to sign off his rights, but he decided that it was best that the girls knew about each other. It wasn't an easy situation and it wasn't an affair. It was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my life. The oldest's mom is dead now and we have custody of her. I love her like she was mine. The girls are best friends. They are very thankful to have each other. They saw each other on my husband's time not the mothers. It's not your responsibility to bring the children together. It was your ex who should have stood up and took responsibility. I'm sorry you're going through this and your ex is such a loser. He should have contacted you and your son as soon as the pics were posted. The OW crossed a line knowing your child would see and that he didn't know. What a mess! Best wishes sweetie! Chin up!

[truncated]

.

 

According to her first post, the op was pregnant with her son when her ex cheated and got ow number 1 pregnant, which would mean both these boys are about 8 years old now.

 

An eight year old is not emotionally ready for any of this, which seems to be something both mothers recognize. It is especially true for the op's son, who is also having to deal with being effectively abandoned by his father.

 

Put yourself in her son;s place. All of a sudden, his father is gone from his life ( and I'm sorry, online facebook chatting doesn't cut it) and he suddenly finds out his father cheated on his mom and had another child who is the same age, which would mean he cheated when she was pregnant?

 

Are people seriously thinking this is appropriate for a young child?

 

 

both the mothers in this situation are acting wisely, keeping their sons shielded from the drama. Notice how the ow with the son hasn't been trying to force a relationship with the two boys? She isn't the one posting the photos, it's the new ow who is. The boys mom knows there is lots of time for that later when they are older and better able to deal with it.

 

 

And for those commented about her son using facebook, are you really that out of the loop with things that you think a kid can be kept off social media? All it takes is one friend with a smartphone at school and he will be on it. Telling him 'no' will just make him want it more, and it's better she have some control over the situation.

 

Btw, it's not the father putting up the photos, but the new ow, who isn't the mother of the child. It sounds like she is posting them tagging the guy in them so they show up on his page where she knows the op wuill see them and be hurt.

 

Lovely woman that.

 

I wonder how the boy's mom feels about her son being used to hurt the op. I know it may sound like a crazy idea, but I wonder what would happen if the op and the first ow had a discussion about how to handle this in a way that is best for both boys. they may be able to come up with something taht's good for both.

 

 

 

( I have a sneaking feeling that if the op kept her son off facebook so he wouldn't see the photos some would gripe a about that too...anything to put the bs in a bad light)

[Noirek]

.

 

According to her first post, the op was pregnant with her son when her ex cheated and got ow number 1 pregnant, which would mean both these boys are about 8 years old now.

 

An eight year old is not emotionally ready for any of this, which seems to be something both mothers recognize. It is especially true for the op's son, who is also having to deal with being effectively abandoned by his father.

 

Put yourself in her son;s place. All of a sudden, his father is gone from his life ( and I'm sorry, online facebook chatting doesn't cut it) and he suddenly finds out his father cheated on his mom and had another child who is the same age, which would mean he cheated when she was pregnant?

 

Are people seriously thinking this is appropriate for a young child?

 

 

both the mothers in this situation are acting wisely, keeping their sons shielded from the drama. Notice how the ow with the son hasn't been trying to force a relationship with the two boys? She isn't the one posting the photos, it's the new ow who is. The boys mom knows there is lots of time for that later when they are older and better able to deal with it.

 

 

And for those commented about her son using facebook, are you really that out of the loop with things that you think a kid can be kept off social media? All it takes is one friend with a smartphone at school and he will be on it. Telling him 'no' will just make him want it more, and it's better she have some control over the situation.

 

Btw, it's not the father putting up the photos, but the new ow, who isn't the mother of the child. It sounds like she is posting them tagging the guy in them so they show up on his page where she knows the op wuill see them and be hurt.

 

Lovely woman that.

 

I wonder how the boy's mom feels about her son being used to hurt the op. I know it may sound like a crazy idea, but I wonder what would happen if the op and the first ow had a discussion about how to handle this in a way that is best for both boys. they may be able to come up with something taht's good for both.

 

 

 

( I have a sneaking feeling that if the op kept her son off facebook so he wouldn't see the photos some would gripe a about that too...anything to put the bs in a bad light)

 

You make no sense. He is too young to know about a half sibling but yet not too young for facebook because he'd get on there anyways? From the sounds of it the only reason you feel he should know about his brother is because he saw the photo.

 

I would say you are very wrong. With big things like adoption and half siblings it is better for a child to know young. And as they grow older they will ask the deeper and harder questions of why. Waiting until they ade older causes trust issues and ups the shock value. It is far better that he now knows then when he is ten or eleven. People ten to project adult thinking and behaviour onto children. Even as Ranea staded he was quite interested in having this sibling.

 

I understand people don't get this. There are still people who keep adoption a secret and other children. It's just not the healthy or best way to go about it.

[Auspecial]

In my opinion, the truth will clean things up a lot.

 

Kids are very resilient, and honestly, would you rather your son be confronted by strangers about this? And then have a double insult of feeling you betrayed his trust?

 

If it was me, I would tell him and not wait around for anyone else to do so. Take the bull by the horns and just do it. Right now, you are his primary family and you make the decisions about the "big stuff."

 

Of course, don't be excessively negative about it. Just state the facts. For example, "one reason we broke up is that our marriage wasn't very strong, and your dad went with some other women. I didn't want to stay in a relationship without respect, so we broke up. Your dad loves you very much and he has had some children with someone else, and he loves that child too."

 

You don't have to go into all the ins and outs, dates, who is or is not creating drama. The choice is yours about telling his dad that you have told your son the truth. If it were me, I would tell him, but not in an inflammatory way. Tell him it was the right thing to do, especially since there is so much social media and it is the parents role to protect the well-being of their children.

[autumnnight]

I'm wondering when people think an adopted child should be told he's adopted.

 

It is not the same situation, but it is the same idea. Do you let your adopted child know all along, or do you spring it on him on his 14th birthday or something because "he is old enough to handle it"?

 

Of course, an adopted child is not usually tainted....

[sandylee1]

 

If it was me, I would tell him and not wait around for anyone else to do so. Take the bull by the horns and just do it.

 

 

She's already told him.

[Sub]

I'm wondering when people think an adopted child should be told he's adopted.

 

It is not the same situation, but it is the same idea. Do you let your adopted child know all along, or do you spring it on him on his 14th birthday or something because "he is old enough to handle it"?

It's up to the parent of that child. No hard and fast rule, and here's why: Raena knows her kid. Obviously, none of us do. She knows how he thinks, what he thinks, how he handles things, if he's sensitive to certain things, etc. Again, none of us do. So, honestly, it's really not our place to be so strident on how or when she should have told her child about this.

My nephew is adopted. My sister told him when he was around 9. Not my place to say if that was the right time or not, but he seems perfectly fine with it. Some other kid may have had a different reaction.

 

Of course, an adopted child is not usually tainted....

Let it go.

[truncated]

You make no sense. He is too young to know about a half sibling but yet not too young for facebook because he'd get on there anyways? From the sounds of it the only reason you feel he should know about his brother is because he saw the photo.

 

I would say you are very wrong. With big things like adoption and half siblings it is better for a child to know young. And as they grow older they will ask the deeper and harder questions of why. Waiting until they ade older causes trust issues and ups the shock value. It is far better that he now knows then when he is ten or eleven. People ten to project adult thinking and behaviour onto children. Even as Ranea staded he was quite interested in having this sibling.

 

I understand people don't get this. There are still people who keep adoption a secret and other children. It's just not the healthy or best way to go about it.

 

Um, I was adopted, so I DO know what it is like to be in that situation, and this is NOTHING like that. Handled in a calm and loving fashion, telling a child young is ideal, but that ship has sailed in this situation.

 

 

This little guy is already dealing with what amounts to the load of his father, Now is not the time for him to this added to the load he already has to carry. There is plenty of time, once things calm down for him, to learn about this.

 

 

Think of it like this . What you're saying amounts to his mom telling him " sorry son, your dad isn't around anymore, but guess what, you have a half brother who is the same age as you, and guess what else? Your dad is spending time with him, but not with you". The child is no fool. He'll figure out pretty quickly that his father was with other women behind his mom's back.

 

 

As for being too young for facebook, I think he is, but as a parent, I also know that kids can get around their parent's wishes on this really easily.

[truncated]

I'm wondering when people think an adopted child should be told he's adopted.

 

It is not the same situation, but it is the same idea. Do you let your adopted child know all along, or do you spring it on him on his 14th birthday or something because "he is old enough to handle it"?

 

Of course, an adopted child is not usually tainted....

 

 

It's not about being "tainted" it's about two boys who already have a lot on their plate to deal with, and adding more to the to the pile right now may be too much for them to handle. Waiting a little while, until things stabilize, just makes sense.

[violet1]

Raena was no married to the father. Her child is no more "legitimate" than his other children. He has three children, by three different mothers, none of which was conceived "legitimately" within the confines of a marriage.

 

So this point, and all the other posts insisting that "an affair child is different", are moot.

 

This man had three relationships - some of them synchronous with other relationships - that resulted in three children being conceived. Each of these children has exactly the same claim to recognition by their father. No child has a greater, or more just, claim.

 

If you lie to your child - directly, or by omission, about their having a sibling, and they later find out about the lie, you share the guilt. Yes, you may have hoped someone else would deal with it, but they didn't, you are implicated.

 

If you are happy - or even insist, according to an earlier thread - that your babydaddy not have a R with his other kids, you cannot be upset when, in turn, he chooses not to have a R with the one he has spawned with you. You have enabled - encouraged, or even insisted on - this behaviour before. You cannot object to it when it gets turned your way. Chickens do come home to roost.

 

Facebook policies for account creation (apparently now 13, rather than 18) exist for a reason. A parent would have to enable a child to lie to bypass that requirement. This is in direct contravention to the terms you sign up to - or, breach of contract - and so any "harm" that results from the illegitimate / uncontractual use of the platform (ie the child finding out about his sibling) is the fault of those adults who enabled this illegitimate / uncontractual use. So, Raena and her child's father are jointly and severally responsible for any hurt - rather than the father's GF who is at liberty to post whatever she likes (within the rules of Facebook). Posting photos and tagging others is perfectly legit. If a child who is too young to have an account sees those photos it is not the fault of the person who posted them, but the person/s who illegally granted access to that child.

 

Defending someone's irresponsible, illegal and immoral behaviour simply because others have also been irresponsible or immoral doesn't cut it. Yes, the father is irresponsible, spawning kids left, right and centre and not doing right by them. Yes, he seems to have pretty poor taste in women. Yes, none of the "adults" in this scenario seem to live too far from a Jerry Springer episode... But that does not absolve the OP for her own culpability for enabling and contributing to this situation.

 

I pity *all* of the children.

I get what you're saying, but unless you've been in a similar situation you don't know how it feels. When another child suddenly pops up (regardless of the situation) it's not easy for anyone! It's a very emotional experience for everyone involved. I had a hard time dealing with my oldest stepdaughter at first. I even resented her in a way, but I felt horribly guilty and I almost ended my relationship with my H over it. I'm glad I didn't because I love my SD with all of my heart. My situation wasn't an affair situation. I can't imagine how hard it has been on Raena.

 

 

I haven't read her old posts in awhile, but if I remember correctly she didn't make him choose between her and the other baby. I thought that she personally didn't want to deal with the other child. Which was in her rights. He had the option to tell Raena he wasn't going to accept that, but he didn't and now blames her. It's all about choice and accountability. He's the genetic link between these children. Therefore, it's him who should take the blame, not Raena. The only mistake she made was staying with that A hole, but I can't judge her for that. Love is blind.