Girls trip cheating

[d0nnivain]

Yes, so it won't be a crazy party. I'm 99% positive she would not cheat.

 

But one issue I have is that her friend likes to flirt with guys and get them to buy them drinks. I have shown up more than once having to chase some guy away. They would be like "Dude I really like your girl a lot. She is so hot". She will say she wasn't doing anything, her friend brought them over.

 

Yes, she has skipped many girls outings because of my issues.

 

I can see where her traveling to drink with this flirty single friend who likes to pick up guys would bother you especially since your EX went on these types of "girls' trips" to cheat.

 

However you also admit that your wife has previously skipped trips because of your issues. She has show willingness to compromise. Now it's your turn.

 

Sit her down. Calmly tell her your concerns. Ask her to brain storm with you to come up with ideas that will enable you to be a peace with her decision to go but afford you a measure of reassurance. Would you feel better if she called you at 10 p.m. then when they are turning in? Would some selfies help? What if she promised not to accept the free drinks the guys were conned into buying by her friend?

 

All girls' trips are not created equal. I'm going away with a bunch of my sorority sisters from college to someone's mountain cabin. Most are happily married; others are divorced. We were all wild & crazy together back in the day. Many are bringing their teenaged daughters. While I fully expect none of the adults will be sober enough to drive, the "debauchery" will be contained to a PG-13 level.

[oldshirt]

I've never been on a wine tasting tour. Do single guys even like this sort of thing? My first thought would be you have nothing to worry about...

 

Married guys are just as bad if not worse.

[oldshirt]

As far as what to do about it, if she's never done anything to cause any legitimate concern and if she is a responsible and respectful person in general, then this isn't really about her seeking an opportunity to score some but rather about your triggers and insecurities.

 

As Donnivan said, this is about finding a way to manage your triggers and angst and for her to demonstrate that she is on the up and up throughout the trip.

 

IMHO this is a case of trust but clearly establish expectations and boundaries. You really don't have the right, reason or authority to not let her go but establishing reasonable expectations like controlling her alcohol intake, being aware of her surroundings, exiting an environment that is becoming overly friendly, not giving signals inappropriate for a married person etc etc is perfectly legit.

[acrosstheuniverse]

She is not your ex-wife. Please don't make her life difficult for her by trying to force her into not doing the things she wants to do just because your ex cheated. If she's a woman of integrity she won't cheat whatever the circumstance. If I went on a girls trip and was sharing a room with a girl who wanted to bang someone I'd get out for a bit, go chill by myself and text my boyfriend or whatever. But we all need to blow off steam, have fun with our friends, have some time to miss our partners!

 

I love girls trips and love that my partner goes on boys trips away staying in different cities when playing shows, he stayed in a mixed gender dorm a few weeks ago and it didn't bother me at all. He sent selfies from bed telling me he missed me. I went away to a weekend conference through my volunteer job with one of my best best friends, a guy, separate rooms obviously and both know one another's partners very well and so on but his wife and my boyfriend happily waved us off to have fun together. I would feel so stifled and crushed if I'd have been given a hard time when I have never in my life cheated on anyone.

 

If it really bothers you then set some ground rules beforehand like, you'd like a goodnight or good morning text and one call per day or something, but you can't restrict her freedom just because your ex cheated. I would find that so insulting and wonder why my partner was with me if he didn't trust me.

 

Also, maybe you don't care how her friends think about you but if one of my friends turned down a trip because her boyfriend didn't trust her or think it was 'appropriate' we would see him in a different light, think he was paranoid and controlling and deep down, without necessarily saying it out loud, feel a little less supportive of the relationship. Perhaps you don't mind that, but warning bells would sound for me if a friend told me that.

 

You either trust her or you don't. If she's gonna cheat she will do it someday, somehow anyway. Be confident and supportive, tell her to go have fun and if it's still a big problem get some therapy around the trust issues and baggage you're carrying from your marriage into this brand new relationship.

[sandylee1]

Yes, she has skipped many girls outings because of my issues.

 

In that case maybe it's time to place some trust in her . Otherwise she's being punished for your ex wife's cheating.

 

Did she sort of ask if you're okay with her going or was she saying she's going regardless?

 

Is there anything besides not going on the trip she could do to make you feel better? To reassure you?

 

The one concern for me would be the flirty friend. If she were with respectable married women, I'm sure you wouldn't feel so bad.

[berniev]

My take on this is in a relationship we need to treat each other with respect, meaning innocent until proven guilty and treat each other as adults. So treat her as a respectable married woman as you think she should be and let her do what she wants to do.

 

You will not be able to stop her if she wants to cheat on you.

[Clay]

OP you stated in a previous Thread that she told you if you were not taking care of her she would have no problems cheating on you. I think I wouldn't jump the gun but I would keep a good eye on her and her behavior.

 

I hope all goes well for the both of you.

 

Clay

[MissBee]

How often do women cheat on girls trips? My wife wants to go on a girls trip. But my problem is that my exwife would go on girls trips to cheat.

 

Your ex-wife and current wife aren't the same person and it's unfair to use your ex-wife's behavior to determine what your current wife will do.

 

The girls trips of cheating weren't because of the trip, the trip was a cover for someone who was already wanting to cheat. If she had never taken the trips her desire to cheat would have still existed and she probably would have found another way. If your current wife isn't thinking of cheating, simply going on a trip doesn't mean she will.

 

At some point you have to trust her and let her live or don't. But I'd be upset for example if my husband's ex cheated on him when she went out of town so now my husband doesn't want me to go out of town because of it. That is living in an unreasonable fair and using her actions to judge me. You can't stop someone from cheating, so all you can do is trust them and let it go. Forcing her not to go on a trip doesn't mean anything. Wouldn't you prefer someone not cheating because THEY don't want to, not because you've banned them activities you think will result in it.

[MissBee]

One of the things I told my wife when she was thinking about going on the cruise was Even if she wasn't screwing some dude herself, I didn't want her there in the room while the other gals were screwing all the guys that they'd be picking up.

 

Some situations you just don't want your spouse in the middle of even if they aren't going with the intention of scoring some a$$.

 

There are some situations and environments that just aren't appropriate for a married person, man or woman, to be in.

 

Getting married does entail a loss of some freedoms and opportunities.

 

Going out clubbing and partying it up with slutty, single friends away from home for several days is something that a married person may need to exercise discretion for the greater good.

 

Random aside: but cruises aren't really a "meat market" in my experience.

 

I've been on cruises and they've been with my family and once my friends and I went for spring break. Majority of what I've observed is that most cruises are filled with families, old people, couples and single women on a girls trip. I haven't really observed too many single dudes going on a cruise together. Trust me...I was looking. But most men on the cruises I saw were with their family, with their wife/gf, or geriatric and also with their family or wife. I saw no obvious groups of single men together. They do have singles cruises and other themed cruises that may be more like that but just the regular old cruise, nah.

 

That said...I doubt most cruises are a place where single women go and find an abundance of single men to have sex with. Like I said...believe me, I've been on about 5 cruises and I was looking out for men (not to have sex but I was single and jus tkeeping my eyes open) and there were definitely not hoards of single dudes. It seems guys rarely go on a "boys cruise" together, and if they are on a cruise they are there with their family or their wives or gfs. Not just them and their boys looking for sex. So that would be the last thing I'd be thinking about. I mean...maybe when the ship docks at a port you could find locals to hook up with but on the cruise itself, not so much singles action IME.

Edited May 29, 2015 by MissBee

[TheGuard13]

I went on a family cruise and at 2 AM the lobbies were full of people having sex.

 

The lobbies.

 

Let alone what was going on in private rooms.

 

Have no idea who was doing what/who, but don't be fooled. Plenty of people go there to hook up. Absolutely.

[lollipopspot]

Someone who has it in them to cheat will cheat anywhere - at work, with the neighbor, with a clerk at the store - anywhere. There are places that are easier and more tempting than others, but ultimately, it's going to be a matter of trust. I agree with the others that you need to talk to her, and maybe make a plan to check in each day or evening.

[oldshirt]

I went on a family cruise and at 2 AM the lobbies were full of people having sex.

 

The lobbies.

 

Let alone what was going on in private rooms.

 

Have no idea who was doing what/who, but don't be fooled. Plenty of people go there to hook up. Absolutely.

 

Yeah, the old tv show "The Love Boat" wasn't a top rated show for several years for no reason.

 

And like I said earlier in the thread, married men are just as much of if not more of a threat on a GNO or girls trip than single guys. Married people are often more of a threat than singles. Two married people looking for a little fun on the side are going to have a whole lot more in common and more trust between them and more discretion and secrecy between them than a single.

 

True LTAs at the office and such may occur between marrieds and singles frquently, but a quick romp while on a trip or GNO is probably most often between marrieds.

[oldshirt]

Your ex-wife and current wife aren't the same person and it's unfair to use your ex-wife's behavior to determine what your current wife will do.

 

The girls trips of cheating weren't because of the trip, the trip was a cover for someone who was already wanting to cheat. If she had never taken the trips her desire to cheat would have still existed and she probably would have found another way. If your current wife isn't thinking of cheating, simply going on a trip doesn't mean she will.

 

At some point you have to trust her and let her live or don't. But I'd be upset for example if my husband's ex cheated on him when she went out of town so now my husband doesn't want me to go out of town because of it. That is living in an unreasonable fair and using her actions to judge me. You can't stop someone from cheating, so all you can do is trust them and let it go. Forcing her not to go on a trip doesn't mean anything. Wouldn't you prefer someone not cheating because THEY don't want to, not because you've banned them activities you think will result in it.

 

 

See my post immediately above. Single men aren't the exclusive threat. Married men can be just as bad if not actually worse for a married woman away on a girl's trip.

 

If you were single at the time, married men probably weren't on your radar or on your list of things to do.

 

But for a married woman away on trip, a married man who has as much to lose as her and who has the same interest of just scoring some extra fun for a night with no further involvement may be just the ticket.

 

People have this ingrained image in their heads that singles are the biggest threat to fidelity in marriage, and its not. It's other married people.

 

People tend to hook up with people who are most similar and have the most in common with them. For a married person with kids and a mortgage and a family insurance plan that just wants a little extra fun and excitement for a night, that is typically not a single that has a completely different lifestyle and different goals and agendas - it is another married person with the same lifestyle, same agendas and same needs for discretion.

[oldshirt]

.......I'm not saying that the OP' s wife is or is not a cheater at heart or has any intention of scoring some action on the trip or not.

 

I'm just saying that the attention and concern should not be focused solely on single men. When marrieds score some extra tail for a night, it's often with another married.

[MissBee]

I went on a family cruise and at 2 AM the lobbies were full of people having sex.

 

The lobbies.

 

Let alone what was going on in private rooms.

 

Have no idea who was doing what/who, but don't be fooled. Plenty of people go there to hook up. Absolutely.

 

And how do you know those people haven't sex weren't couples prior to the cruise?

 

What cruise line was this?

[MissBee]

See my post immediately above. Single men aren't the exclusive threat. Married men can be just as bad if not actually worse for a married woman away on a girl's trip.

 

If you were single at the time, married men probably weren't on your radar or on your list of things to do.

 

But for a married woman away on trip, a married man who has as much to lose as her and who has the same interest of just scoring some extra fun for a night with no further involvement may be just the ticket.

 

People have this ingrained image in their heads that singles are the biggest threat to fidelity in marriage, and its not. It's other married people.

 

People tend to hook up with people who are most similar and have the most in common with them. For a married person with kids and a mortgage and a family insurance plan that just wants a little extra fun and excitement for a night, that is typically not a single that has a completely different lifestyle and different goals and agendas - it is another married person with the same lifestyle, same agendas and same needs for discretion.

 

I'm aware that married men are out in the world cheating...cruise ships are but so big and if most MM are with their wives, their kids, their mom etc. (which is what I've witnessed on every cruise) while not impossible it is less likely they'll be able to sneak away to cheat, especially given that cruises are always booked by double occupancy so most MM there will be in the room with their wives.

 

I'm sure someone has cheated on a cruise, but the image of cruises as some meat market has not been my experienced on any of the cruises I've been on. I would never recommend cruises to single women looking to hook up, esp if they are fairly young, as most men are geriatrics, with their families (kids, in-laws, parents, a whole crew) or its honeymooners (tons of them), or otherwise coupled people. Yea...maybe you can seduce some MM away from his screaming kids, mom and wife for a romp in your cabin, but this will not by and large be a week of crazy hook ups with tons of men ripe for the picking...I wished .

[anika99]

Random aside: but cruises aren't really a "meat market" in my experience.

 

I've been on cruises and they've been with my family and once my friends and I went for spring break. Majority of what I've observed is that most cruises are filled with families, old people, couples and single women on a girls trip. I haven't really observed too many single dudes going on a cruise together. Trust me...I was looking. But most men on the cruises I saw were with their family, with their wife/gf, or geriatric and also with their family or wife. I saw no obvious groups of single men together. They do have singles cruises and other themed cruises that may be more like that but just the regular old cruise, nah.

 

That said...I doubt most cruises are a place where single women go and find an abundance of single men to have sex with. Like I said...believe me, I've been on about 5 cruises and I was looking out for men (not to have sex but I was single and jus tkeeping my eyes open) and there were definitely not hoards of single dudes. It seems guys rarely go on a "boys cruise" together, and if they are on a cruise they are there with their family or their wives or gfs. Not just them and their boys looking for sex. So that would be the last thing I'd be thinking about. I mean...maybe when the ship docks at a port you could find locals to hook up with but on the cruise itself, not so much singles action IME.

 

My son went on a cruise with a very beautiful platonic gf a few years ago. He said they were the youngest adults on the boat and he describe the other travellers much like you just did. Single women, families, old couples, marrieds. However he did say that the crew hit on his young beautiful female friend constantly and blatantly.