Another Text Message

[acrosstheuniverse]

OP, might it be a good idea to talk this through with somebody totally impartial before going down the spyware route? Maybe an individual counsellor?

 

Do any of your friends know about this at all? It really worries me to see how this thread has turned from your husband texting a girl from work a few times to snooping, spying, talking about divorce and obsessing over every single thing that comes into and goes out of his phone. I get the sense that it's easy for us to sit here and tell you what to do, one way or another, but please remember we all come from our own biased viewpoints, depending on what we've been through. I just think that it would be good to talk to somebody away from the forum before you take things any further, if only to make sure you're making the right choice.

 

You have a decade long relationship that has been really wonderful lately, with a man who tells you he loves you and who is telling you repeatedly you can trust him. That's a lot to throw away, and even if you did and then met someone else years down the line, do you really think that he won't have female friends? Female workmates? Ex wives or girlfriends in the picture because of kids? Old college friends he goes and spends time with? For someone quite jealous and (sorry but I don't mean this offensively) paranoid sounding, you really have got it quite good with your husband, what with him barely having any friends. If the fact he has texted a new workmate a few times is enough to whip you into such a spin doesn't that tell you you've been lucky so far regarding how few opportunities he's given you to get this upset and angry?

[LovelyBrown]

OP, might it be a good idea to talk this through with somebody totally impartial before going down the spyware route? Maybe an individual counsellor?

 

Do any of your friends know about this at all? It really worries me to see how this thread has turned from your husband texting a girl from work a few times to snooping, spying, talking about divorce and obsessing over every single thing that comes into and goes out of his phone. I get the sense that it's easy for us to sit here and tell you what to do, one way or another, but please remember we all come from our own biased viewpoints, depending on what we've been through. I just think that it would be good to talk to somebody away from the forum before you take things any further, if only to make sure you're making the right choice.

 

You have a decade long relationship that has been really wonderful lately, with a man who tells you he loves you and who is telling you repeatedly you can trust him. That's a lot to throw away, and even if you did and then met someone else years down the line, do you really think that he won't have female friends? Female workmates? Ex wives or girlfriends in the picture because of kids? Old college friends he goes and spends time with? For someone quite jealous and (sorry but I don't mean this offensively) paranoid sounding, you really have got it quite good with your husband, what with him barely having any friends. If the fact he has texted a new workmate a few times is enough to whip you into such a spin doesn't that tell you you've been lucky so far regarding how few opportunities he's given you to get this upset and angry?

 

Very good advice!

[sandylee1]

I completely disagree. I am not going to turn a blind eye and be blissfully ingorant. However, all of you are all right in the fact that I need to stop. I need to stop obsessing over this, because it is literally making me sick. In the last couple of weeks I have lost weight, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I will not mention this to him ever again. I can tell you that texting has stopped, which to me is a red flag. Whoever said that I should have said nothing because now he has gone underground, you are completely correct. I don't believe he simply stopped doing what he was doing out of respect for me. If that was so, why wouldn't he just tell me? Whatever he is doing is continuing, he just got smarter. And that's fine. I will not say another word. I believe that time will reveal what it has to. If I find proof that in fact something is going on, I won't even confront him about it. I will simply ask him to move out, take his name off our lease, and talk to a divorce lawyer. I'm done.

 

Have you thought of getting an app to retrieve deleted text messages from his phone? You'd need to have his phone for a while. If I were in your shoes I'd be very interested to know what that last message from him said.

 

He could have a secret email account which he uses from his phone. He could browse incognito.

 

Anything is possible. Just 180 and don't announce it.

[eleve82]

LMAO!!! I know, right?!?!

 

 

 

No offense to anyone here but neither you nor anyone here actually KNOWS he has cheated. Your own personal experience may shape your bias but doesn't mean you know better about the OP's situation.

 

 

Frankly, OP, no matter what he says to you to try to improve things, you condemn him anyway.

 

 

Doesn't have any texts from her? He MUST have gone underground. He MUST be lying. Writes a letter affirming his love n trust for his wife? It MUST be feeling guilty! Hasn't been caught actually cheating? Well who cares, he was intending to all along.

 

 

No matter what he says or does to convince you otherwise, he is a damned cheat and liar. You talk about him like he is the scum of the earth - conniving, deceptive, worthless. I'm 100% sure you treat him as such.

 

 

As far as I can see, the relationship is already over. It doesn't matter if he did cheat or not, in your eyes, he is already scum.

[sandylee1]

Cheating or not, if my H didn't want me texting another man, I would STOP IT. End of story. There really are no ifs and buts to it.

[Sammy1974]

Thank you for all the feedback and input. Those of you who said I need to have trust are absolutely correct. I know this. But I also know that when your spouse is doing something he knows bothers you, he should have enough respect for feelings to stop. I realize that not allowing him to have female friends sounds a little too controlling. But also, having a female coworker text on Sunday to have him come over for drinks without any mention of me joining, when she is fully aware that he is married, to me, crosses the line. I will give credit to my husband for not going, but I also feel if I wasn't there, he would have. I know I have to put this behind me. Particularly since the texting has stopped. I looked very carefully through his phone yesterday and found no secret apps or anything of that nature. I researched what to look for and how text hiding apps may appear on a cell phone. I found nothing after looking for about a half hour. I am not putting spyware on my husband's

phone. Do I still wonder what that last outgoing text to her was on Tuesday? Absolutely. I asked a friend of mine who knows what has been going on, and her take is that perhaps this girl was after my husband, perhaps she told him something at the end of the work day, and maybe Tuesday night he sent her a text telling her to stay away from him and not text him again. Does that make sense? He has not gone underground, his behavior towards me is as normal as always. Do you think my friend is right?

[MM1234]

Sammy,

 

It could be he really did tell this chick that he can't be texting anymore with her. I would just relax for now & not drive yourself crazy. You can still keep one eye open, but don't drive yourself crazy going through his phone or scouring the cell phone account online.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Hate to say it but he probably texted her saying 'do me a favour and don't text me anymore, my wife has gone a bit psycho and I'm getting in the neck. I'll see you at work'.

 

Not in a flirty, affair 'see you at work gorgeous' but a normal, friendly, polite way.

 

You are gonna drive him away. And if he leaves you'll blame it on him having a secret affair partner to go to when really, he just can't stand the suspicion and stress anymore.

 

If you wanna save your marriage, get some therapy and never breathe a word of this again around your husband.

[whenisitenough]

....

 

One final note, men are men. Men want to be desired sexually by different women. Don't fight that nature as you will lose every time and short of castration, you aren't going to change that.

 

I have met married men who don't care to flirt with other women and if someone starts they become cold or say something nice about their wife.

 

Hats off to those men! They seem to have outgrown the boyhood stage of seeking attention from those who don't matter. Family and commitment come first. They have inner strength and confidence from values.

[Sammy1974]

So, I have an update. My husband always calls me during his lunch break. Today he called me and I asked him if we can go shopping as soon as he gets back from work. He said: "Well, somebody asked me if I would like to join her and two other people from school (another assistant and an occupational therapist) to go to Buffalo Wild Wings." (If you are not familiar with this its a casual restaurant that serves chicken wings and things like that). I already knew something like this had happened, because I checked the phone bill this morning. I saw that SHE texted him first to apparently ask him to join her and these two other people after school.

So, I asked him which location, and how is he getting there? He told me the location and told me he was driving himself there and meeting them there. I asked: "Are you sure there are 2 other people there?" His answer was: "When I get home you can see my texts. Do I have your permission to go?"

I said, fine, go. He told me he would be out of there in about an hour/an hour and a half and then once he gets home we can go shopping.

I didn't start a fight. I told him, OK, go. But then I asked him this: "This person has a boyfriend correct? Why don't you invite her and her boyfriend over to our place sometime?" His answer was: "She is not a friend of mine, just an acquaintance. This is the second time I am going out for a quick drink right after school. Her boyfriend drives a truck and she is an educational assistant with no real degree. These are not people we need to invest a friendship with. She is not a friend, just someone I work with. If however, it turns out to be a couple thing, then, sure we can all hang out. I just don't think it will come to that. I don't want to be friends with these people."

I understood where he was coming from with that, but it still did not sit well with me, that he was kind of putting that off. He then told me he doesn't want to be the only one in the group who has to bring their significant other. That he would stand out. I let all of this slide.

Once he left work he called me and talked to me while he was driving to the restaurant.

So far, he has been there for a little over an hour. He told me he would call me when he got out. The thing is this: He claims he doesn't want to spend energy becoming "friends" with "these people." So, in the summer, when he is no longer working at that school (he also has found another job so will not be returning in the fall), she will no longer be a co worker or a friend. As he called her today she is nothing but an "acquaintance". So, I am anticipating that in the summer she will continue to text him. As she did this past Sunday, as she did today. He is not the one reaching out to her, she is reaching out to him and today he responded. So, if this happens over the summer, I will have a serious problem with that. Her status then will be nothing: Not a coworker, not a friend, nothing. So, let's see what happens. I just don't feel confident that this is going to stop.

[whenisitenough]

I just don't feel confident that this is going to stop.

..

 

You are probable right.

 

Your H's response seems popular. My H has said the same before when I suggested we invite a coworker and her husband out, " We are not friends. She is just an acquaintance . so why would we go out with them." Yet people who work with them told me they thought the two were having an affair the way they flirted.

 

 

 

I'm wondering if your H doesn't want you to see how they interact. Also, Why is he going out if he has no intention of developing a friendship ?

[beach]

I think it's odd that you suggested inviting the other "couple" to dinner and he shut that down. She is important enough to meet after work - and having you meet her is important to YOU.

 

He needs to understand it is important that you meet her.

 

If he won't agree - it's just him making excuses to cover up.

 

Also, if she texts him again this weekend - invite yourself along to meet up with her! Don't let him wiggle out of it - just join him and go.

 

He's avoiding you two meeting - and you need to make your presence known to her.

 

It's unusual because you stated he isn't a social guy. So it's a red flag since this is out of the norm.

[MuddyRock]

You should text her that since she and hubby have been hanging out you would love to meet her. There is nothing wrong with that. YOU make the plans and your husband will have no choice but go along with them. You need to make yourself known. Make your husband realize that secret friendships aren't happening. Put a face to your existence.

Your doing better then me because I would and have texted back as him responding in appropriate ways to boundary crossing badge chasers.

[Lois_Griffin]

I had bowed out of this thread, since everyone was claiming you were just being paranoid and the poor, hapless fellow needs a break.

 

But once again, he's contradicting himself. Claiming he doesn't want to be friends with her and her supposed boyfriend, claiming that she's only 'an acquaintance,' and acting as though he barely knows her and couldn't care less if she fell off the face of the earth.

 

Yet, this 'acquaintance' he barely knows and couldn't care less about texts him on a Sunday afternoon asking him to come over to her place where a few people are having drinks.

 

And, this 'acquaintance' he barely knows and couldn't care less about got a text from him the other night asking her not to text him because his psycho wife is watching his every move. Then in a big show of grand-standing, he gave you his phone to monitor all night to prove to you that he's as pure s the driven snow.

 

Then he goes to the wing place with this 'acquaintance' he barely knows and couldn't care less about - and told you how embarrassed he'd be if YOU showed up there because you'd be the only spouse (heaven FORFEND). Like anyone really gives a rat's ass except him.

 

And lastly, this 'acquaintance' that he barely knows and couldn't care less about has been a MAJOR issue in your marriage now for some time. It's kind of strange that he's allowed someone he wants to expend NO energy into being friends with and whom he couldn't care less about to cause THIS much of a problem for you both.

[Sammy1974]

He called me yesterday as soon as he left that place. He was there for a little over an hour. He told me: "I almost wanted to take a picture of the group that was there so you can see how silly you are being feeling at all threatened by these people." I said: "Why, what do they all look like?" He told me that two of the women are about 70-90 pounds overweight and not facially attractive. I asked him about the female coworker whose been texting and what she looks like: "She is not fat, I wouldn't say she's ugly, but she is definitely not attractive. Her eyes are quite large and almost bug eyed. If you look at her from the side, they kind of pop out." I said: "OK, well thanks for telling me all this. Whatever." Then he said it was interesting finally going out with some other people from work to here the work gossip and get others' perspective on things that have been going on in the building. When I got home he showed me the text message she sent him inviting him to the place. Reason being because I asked him "Are you sure there will be other people there, or just her?" So, I read the entire string of messages (about 4 in all) and it followed with what he had been telling me all day.

From what he told me during the day and yesterday evening, it sounds as though this may not continue. He mentioned something along the lines of "When you work with people its nice to go out for a little bit, once in a while, to talk about work and gossip." So, fine. The school year ends next week. He will no longer work with these people. He will also not work with them next year. For all practical purposes they should be out of his life forever. But, there is a small nagging feeling inside me that says she will continue to communicate with him. She will reach out to him and he might respond. If that happens, I have to step in a little more forcefully. I am not going to be working in the summer, and then think of him "hanging" out with a former coworker who he supposedly finds unattractive.

Do you all think that was just a cover? Telling me how ugly they all are? The thing is, everytime I try to catch im at somehting, it turns out he is telling me the truth. I mean, the other day I had convinced myself he had a text hiding app on his phone because there was no communication between them. And obviously that is not the case because they texted yesterday. I am torn between making this a big deal when its not and potentially causing serious damage to my marriage, and being suspicious so something is not happening right under my nose.

[writergal]

He called me yesterday as soon as he left that place. He was there for a little over an hour. He told me: "I almost wanted to take a picture of the group that was there so you can see how silly you are being feeling at all threatened by these people." I said: "Why, what do they all look like?" He told me that two of the women are about 70-90 pounds overweight and not facially attractive.

 

I asked him about the female coworker whose been texting and what she looks like: "She is not fat, I wouldn't say she's ugly, but she is definitely not attractive. Her eyes are quite large and almost bug eyed. If you look at her from the side, they kind of pop out." I said: "OK, well thanks for telling me all this. Whatever."

 

Then he said it was interesting finally going out with some other people from work to here the work gossip and get others' perspective on things that have been going on in the building. When I got home he showed me the text message she sent him inviting him to the place. Reason being because I asked him "Are you sure there will be other people there, or just her?" So, I read the entire string of messages (about 4 in all) and it followed with what he had been telling me all day.

 

From what he told me during the day and yesterday evening, it sounds as though this may not continue. He mentioned something along the lines of "When you work with people its nice to go out for a little bit, once in a while, to talk about work and gossip." So, fine. The school year ends next week. He will no longer work with these people.

 

He will also not work with them next year. For all practical purposes they should be out of his life forever. But, there is a small nagging feeling inside me that says she will continue to communicate with him. She will reach out to him and he might respond. If that happens, I have to step in a little more forcefully. I am not going to be working in the summer, and then think of him "hanging" out with a former coworker who he supposedly finds unattractive.

 

Do you all think that was just a cover? Telling me how ugly they all are? The thing is, everytime I try to catch im at somehting, it turns out he is telling me the truth.

 

I mean, the other day I had convinced myself he had a text hiding app on his phone because there was no communication between them. And obviously that is not the case because they texted yesterday. I am torn between making this a big deal when its not and potentially causing serious damage to my marriage, and being suspicious so something is not happening right under my nose.

 

 

I think you need to decide if you want to stay married to your husband. The amount of distrust between you two is palpable. It doesn't sound like its a healthy, happy marriage for either of you.

 

Is marriage counseling something you both would consider? I fear if you don't find a mediator to help you both address your trust and communication issues that your relationship will implode.

 

Until you meet this 26-year old and her boyfriend I think your fears are reasonable. Your husband is acting very strange for a man his age, over the need to hang out with someone who initiates texts with him despite the fact that she has a boyfriend and that he's married to you. There has to be something going on between them, otherwise you wouldn't have come here to LS to post about your situation.

[sandylee1]

Don't text the coworker and don't invite yourself anywhere. He clearly doesn't want that. I understand not having a spouse at work events when others don't.

 

 

Her husband is a trucker and probably away from home a lot. I think she's looking for something more than friendship. Why is your H the only man there?

 

It's odd that he's socialising with the educational assistant, therapist, but no other teachers. All people on a lower work level than him. Gossiping with them isn't good career wise at all . He's gotten a bit too friendly IMO.

 

I understand mainly women work in the school, but he's not even lunching with his peers. I'm not saying you can't dine with coworkers, but it seems like an imbalance.

 

It all seems fishy to me.

[Babs22]

I work in the schools and I don't think anything sounds that out of line. We don't do things often after work, but at times, people do tend to get together, especially at the end of the year. We rarely, if ever have spouses there. Even at Christmas parties we don't bring our spouses, so that does not sound too odd. I too have been willing to meet with people after work for a drink or appetizer, but I would not socialize with them outside of that. I have never had a co-worker and their spouse over for dinner. I would call the people I work with that I might get together with, work friends. I also would not want to become close friend-friends with most of them. I don't do anything outside of school, other than a casual after work get together.

 

I don't really think OP's H is up to something. The girl may have a crush on him, can't tell, but he was pretty open and honest about where he was going and what he was doing at Bw3s. I just wanted to post because the work/friend relationships seem normal to what I have seen. When I have met with others from school, it would not matter if they were therapists, teachers or classroom aides, there is no discrimination based on job level.

 

I am afraid the OP is getting all worked up over nothing and hurting her marriage in the process. Go to MC and talk things out with your husband.

If his phone is not locked and he has allowed you access to it, I really don't think you have an issue. Let your H know how much you love him, how much you care about him, how much he means to you. Go out for a romantic date and try to forget about this. Sounds like you need to reconnect.

[Sammy1974]

Thank you for your post Babs. It really gives me greater insight since you work in schools and know school dynamics. This is why I was not terribly upset on Friday when he went out for under 2 hours, he was with a group, I knew where he was, and I knew when he was leaving. He was there for a short time and as soon as he left, he called me and talked to me all the way home. Later that evening he even showed me the texts messages from that day. Just three or four of them, the first one from her to him asking him if he would like to go after school with her, and a couple other people to the restaurant. He and I had a great day yesterday and spent the whole day together. This is actually not at all unusual as all of our free time we spend it together. I have some friends that I occassionally spend time with, but for 99% of the time, its him and I together.

[Sammy1974]

So, things have been pretty good lately. There were a couple of texts exchanged between my husband and his coworker, all of which he showed me willingly. There are three days of school left. Today he left early and is not going back. He is going to start a new job next year, and this Saturday we are moving into our new place. So, he decided to take the rest of the year off (the last three days of school). He came home and I asked him to look at his phone. He said "sure". I saw that he had texted the coworker asking her if she would like to meet him somewhere to give her his keys to the building and certain offices. She said she could not because she was working on something and why can't he give them in on Friday? He responded by saying we are moving on Saturday so he is taking the rest of the days off for the move. She responded: "Lucky. I don't want to go back either. Why don't you just mail the keys?"

That was it. So, I asked him "why did you want to meet her? Why didn't you think of mailing the keys?" He said that he felt more comfortable handing the keys to someone and not mailing them, but if I feel more comfortable if he does that, then he will. So he is mailing the keys back to the school. Then I asked him: "Are you going to continue this with this person over the summer?" His response: "Nothing is going on now, nothing will go on in the future. I might, might, hang out once or twice over the entire summer, and then come August I will start my new job and have more important things to do. I am being as honest as possible. I am not doing anything wrong."

Then I asked him again about why he can't seem to find men to spend time with.I know he had one male friend in college, and truth be told, the majority of his friends in college were female. He has shown me pictures and has talked about them quite a bit. He told me again that he just can't connect with males veyr much because so many of them are too "macho" or like "jocks". He said he prefers guys who are almost nerdy, ones he can have a conversation with.

What do you all think of this? Do you think he is telling me the truth? I tend to believe what he is saying because this is his track record and he has never cheated on me. Thoughts?

[whenisitenough]

She is not fat, I wouldn't say she's ugly, but she is definitely not attractive. Her eyes are quite large and almost bug eyed. If you look at her from the side, they kind of pop out."

 

I don't think whether she is bug eyes or not will stop him from having an affair if he wants to. I've read the other woman is more often less attractive than the spouse.

 

The issue is why he won't have you meet her. He should want to make his wife comfortable .... who cares if the co-workers think that is odd.

 

I wish I knew I was supposed to stand up for myself in the younger days.