It won't get better

[Thecondor1991]

Dear Kevin_D,

 

I have read a couple of your threads and many of your posts, I have to say that you are a person who is very considerate and compassionate, takes other peoples feelings in account and usually pours everything in the relationship to give it your best shot from your end. These are strong characteristics that attract many females towards you and a woman who knows what she wants and is matured up, you are likely the candidate they want to settle with for the rest of their lives.

 

You are going through a very tough time right now. There are 2 reasons for it, the first and biggest reason is that your Ex Girlfriend of 7 years threw what you guys had out of the window to persue a relationship with whoever she had in her mind and left you alone to pick up the pieces. As in ending the relationship with you wasn't enough, she further stabbed you by showing up her new fling and posting it on the facebook like it's the best thing ever for her and she's definitely confident in her decision, which in retrospect let your selfesteem go down to the bottom.

 

You wanted to pick yourself back up, you wanted to do whatever it takes to get it out of that situation. You got the usual advice that is offered throughout this forum, which is go immediate No Contact with her, delete her from everywhere, don't let her back into your life, reiniate contacts with your friends and family, talk with the opposite gender and make her regret what she's missing by having a good life and yadda yadda.

 

Here's the thing Kevin, these advices are good to a extent that you should cut ties with your Ex, make plans with your friends and family, exercise, read books etc, they are all good, but lets be honest, they are all distractions that prevent you from facing the matter at hand.

 

If after 7 years you got over your Ex within a year or two, I would have to say that she either didn't mean that much to you or you weren't that interested in her anyway, which of course is not the case. You loved someone Kevin, for 7 years you were together with her. You guys shared everything together, it can't just disappear within a blink of an eye, yes your Ex Girlfriend replaced you and is putting an act to show you how this is the best thing that happened to her, but trust me the thoughts you are having right now, increase that amount by 10x, that's what she's feeling, but instead of facing those feelings, she's using all the distractions as she can get in order not to face it. But trust me on this one, once the honeymoon phase is over with this guy, whether it be a year or two or three, you would definitely hear back from her, even if you don't, I can assure you that you would be definitely on her mind, whether she expresses her regret or not, or keeps silent about the whole thing, doesn't mean she has forgotten about you or don't regret what has happened.

 

The reason you are feeling depressed again, which has reached the point that you feel numb is because despite of doing your best, your second relationships didn't work out and now you are having similar thoughts resurfacing when your first breakup occured with your Ex Girlfriend of 7 years, you have been hurt by it so much that you have gone completely numb.

 

Here's the thing Kevin, after 7 years together, you need some time on your own to get yourself back together (this applies to your Ex Girlfriend too). You need to spend time with yourself, look at things and say "look, I poured my best into the relationship, despite of my best efforts, these girls still ended up hurting me, I think I deserve the same amount of respect and love that I've shared in the relationships and I deserve to be loved equally".

 

Kevin my friend, you will get out of this depression, there is a reason why people say that there is a light at the end of a tunnel. But if you stop dead at your tracks and begin to question by saying "I have come this far, I don't see any light, whats the point beside of me putting my best effort to move forward, I think I should stop", the worse thing you can do is to stop by coming this far, you won't see the light unless you keep walking.

 

Slow and steady wins the race, keep taking steps forward, whenever the life knocks you down, you stand back up. Every famous sports person you know, has a very hard life behind them, they have sustained injuries and through these injuries and overcoming their obstacles, they have become the people we love the most. Remember the famous author of the "Harry Potter" series? J.K Rowling? Her first husband left her, she was left alone with a child, she wasn't doing financally well either, in one of her interviews she told that she has to walk back and forth in her apartment quickly with a baby to keep themselves warm, because there was no radiator and she didn't had the money to afford one either. But look where she is now, succesful books lined up, her books made into movies, doing financially better. The thing is, everything in life takes time, shortcuts in life never work out in the long run, there is no easy way to success, you have to take the long and hard road.

 

Kevin buddy, you don't see it right now, but I can tell you one thing, if you don't set time on healing and take as much time as you need in order to heal yourself, you would be going far in life, woman would rather have a gentleman instead of a bad boy who treats them crappy, girls who chose badboys set their bars very low, not every female is the same, you will find the correct one in due time (whether it be your Ex who comes back to you or someone else). Make your best of the every situation Kevin, you will bounce back one day, when would that day be? I can't tell you that, but I can tell you this, once you do, there would be no stopping you and you would be going higher in life and climbing the ladder of success.

This is probably the best post I've seen on this site. I get tired of all the "go Nc", " work on yourself", "give it time" posts. Some times people need better advice than that.

[erklat]

I hear what are you saying Kev.

 

Also, changing gets you only so far. I have changed everything. Some things

after breakup get are carved into your new personality though.

 

Chin up, I'm feeling the same while I'm having a child with a woman that drains me.

She's leagues above my ex, very attractive but I don't feel the butterflies and I'm

afraid I never will. I support every male who thinks that he's entitled to be with

a female he loves.

[spiderowl]

Thank you Holmes for your kind words. It really means a lot to me. You told me exactly what I needed to hear.

 

I think you might be right about my last relationship. I didn't care about her as deeply as I cared about my ex, but yet, her behaviour made all the memories come back. This girl is clearly a BPD case. I actually figured it out quite early on, because of the idealization; Her ex boyfriend was abusive, I was the only one who understood her, she had been molested as a child, raped two times, her father was a crackhead, yada yada yada...

 

While some of this probably is true, it became obvious that her would stories changed over time. One day her ex was a terrible person who cheated on her, but she didn't even care because she felt nothing for him. A few weeks later she would claim that she loved him deeply and that leaving him was the hardest decision of her life.

 

Anyway... I've read that this often becomes a pattern. My ex of 7 years (who comes from a family with a ridiculous amount of mental illnesses) hurt me so badly, that I didn't care about other people until someone who basically worshipped me showed up. The problem is that BPD's use this as a tactic to gain control over people like me. So I end up with a new girl who have the issues as the old one.

 

At least I know how to protect myself. But here's the thing. I have no energy and no self-confidence left. I would actually consider myself a rather talented individual, but it seems that I fail at EVERYTHING right now. I have no good place to live, I have no career, I'm unhappy with my friends. I've been trying tons of things and worked really hard to turn things around, but it's seems that I get nothing for free right now. Yes, I know that I should believe in myself no matter what and don't let other peoples opinions define my value. But it's getting really hard to love myself when I fail all the time.

 

And then I look myself in the mirror and say: "She did the right thing. I'm a complete failure".

 

You are feeling a little battered now. You need a quiet place of reflection to recover and regain your strength. Some relationships won't work out, despite one party being all for it. Some will though. It's a strange thing grieving for an ex; despite following all advice to go no contact, if it meant something to you, you can't just wipe it out like that. Grief has its own path. Maybe you need to listen to it and not dampen it down. Take more time to grieve and thereby give yourself chance to really recover this time.

[Kevin_D]

You are feeling a little battered now. You need a quiet place of reflection to recover and regain your strength. Some relationships won't work out, despite one party being all for it. Some will though. It's a strange thing grieving for an ex; despite following all advice to go no contact, if it meant something to you, you can't just wipe it out like that. Grief has its own path. Maybe you need to listen to it and not dampen it down. Take more time to grieve and thereby give yourself chance to really recover this time.

 

I guess you're right. I guess I don't want to be the loser who still feels sorry for himself after 1.5 years. I want to move on, I want to succeed, find someone better, get a good job, get a nice house, start a band, finish my own projects, get a drivers license, spend more times with my friends... and then I go in to panic mode.

 

I need to focus at one thing at a time. Do something that makes me feel proud. After all, I'm only 28 years old. There's no rush. I guess that's the good thing about being a man. I can wait 15 years before I start my own family. Until then I can do what I want.

 

There is no rush. There is no rush. There is no rush.

 

I need to keep telling myself this.

[Satu]

I guess you're right. I guess I don't want to be the loser who still feels sorry for himself after 1.5 years. I want to move on, I want to succeed, find someone better, get a good job, get a nice house, start a band, finish my own projects, get a drivers license, spend more times with my friends... and then I go in to panic mode.

 

I need to focus at one thing at a time. Do something that makes me feel proud. After all, I'm only 28 years old. There's no rush. I guess that's the good thing about being a man. I can wait 15 years before I start my own family. Until then I can do what I want.

 

There is no rush. There is no rush. There is no rush.

 

I need to keep telling myself this.

 

You are now thinking useful thoughts that can lead you to happiness.

 

I'd just like to add one comment:

 

The past doesn't create your future.

 

You do.