elaine567 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Heys guys just a quick update and need to vent I got up this morning and today is a horrible day. Couldnt even get out of bed the overwhelming feeling was this is real and this is actually happening. Today i havent seen her for almost 6 weeks and i just feel empty. If you have read my story 2months leading upto the break up we tried to work things out coz she wanted to break up when she got back from a wedding. Those 2months were absolute hell and i was a complete stranger the whole time fighting so hard but she was so distant and i hardly saw her or hung out with her coz she needed space. It just didnt feel right the whole time i know coz it was a complete 180 from the 3 years we have spent. One thing i left out is that at the end of the 2months of working things out we went out our first proper dress up dinner date. Right up until then it was just meet ups and movies at my place. I was so nervous for this date and it just went wrong we turned up and although had a reservation had to wait for 30min. Had dinner and drunk sum wine and i found myself trying so hard to get her attention. Made her a napkin flower and everything but it just didnt feel good tbh. We then went to a bar and she still felt very distant and back to my house to drink with some friends. While we wer drunk i asked for a kiss and got one then asked for another one and she said no. I replied why not and she said im not ready yet and yelled at me i told you im not in love with you anymore! I duno what happened but all of the frustration from 2months of wandering what went wrong with us and feeling lyk a stranger and all the stress just came out. I exploded and punched a wall next to her and proceeded to throw a bowl through a window at my flat. Not good. She screamed and tried to leave but in my drunken state i realised i ****ed up and tried to stop her while apolgising etc. She was screaming i want out of this nightmare just let me go! She ran to her place 10min away and i proceeded to run after her. Friends ran with us and stayed with her then i left hers. Then 2 days later the BU happened as i said earlier in this post. I guess the biggest thing i feel is guilt and regret for the outburst. She said hates the sin and not the sinner and doesnt hold it against me and knows that it was justified my frustration. But she said it really scared her and she thought she was next and has never seen me like that. What haunts her is that at the point she wanted to leave we clashed coz she wanted to go and i wouldnt let her. Also when she got home she felt numb and cold and was crying hysterically and shaking and that feeling of panic haunts her. This whole event i felt i just made the situation 100 times worse. I just cant let it go it could have ended more peacefully. This is because i asked her are you breaking up because of what i did? She said no i wanted to break up since before the 2months we have been trying to work things out wen i got back from the wedding. Deep down she knew the whole 2months we were trying that she didnt want to be with me anymore but did it for the sake of us. Sh said prior to the date she was going to sit me down the week after anyway regardless if i broke the window or not. Everyone tells me that she was already on her way out the door and breaking the window and the outburst just sped up the process she was gona do a week later anyway. The guilt is just eating me up coz i kno it could have ended peacefully a week later had i not done what i did and now i feel lyk that negative event has added to why she thinks the BU is right even though its not the reason for her breaking up. Its absolutely driving me nuts and i feel so alone and lonely and was just thinking about her and how could we go from 3 years to being complete strangers. It hurts so much and today for the first time in a really long time i felt so upset and hurt i was getting those dark dying feelings again Any feedback or opinions would be great! Start listening to this guy about break ups, he is calm and reasoned and that is what you need just now. https://www.youtube.com/user/MD007ish/videos 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author philsach890 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Share Posted June 6, 2015 Start listening to this guy about break ups, he is calm and reasoned and that is what you need just now. https://www.youtube.com/user/MD007ish/videos Thanks Elaine will do! Link to post Share on other sites
Yummm Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I like listening to this guy before I sleep, helps alot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author philsach890 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Share Posted June 6, 2015 Sorry to hear about your blip today man. What I can say is that nomatter how much more 'peacefully' it would have ended, you would be feeling just as bad. By the looks of things you didn't want this RS to end, but she had one foot out the door. Perhaps it could have ended a little more civil, but you would be just as heartbroken. Ride the wave man, up and down... Hey Yummm yea your right i think either way i would still feel heartbroken. In my other thread you posted this: "Keep up with NC and it will get easier. I think you need to 'let go of hope' and that will help you move forward. Although you're in NC, you still believe deep down that she will come back and you want that to happen. Try not to, try focus on yourself only and IF she does come back, you are in control. WIN WIN situation." I just realised that the guilt from breaking the window comes back to what you said still believing somewhere deep down and wanting it to happen and sabotaging any hope that i shouldnt really have How do we cope with such crazy emotions its just a crazy wave rollercoaster see saw mashed into one! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I just realised that the guilt from breaking the window comes back to what you said still believing somewhere deep down and wanting it to happen and sabotaging any hope that i shouldnt really have You, that night saw you were losing her and that hurt and frustrated you. Add in alcohol and you were a wounded wild animal, scared and angry too. YOU lashed out, she got scared, you realised what you did, but in trying to calm her down, you scared her even more by trying to stop her leaving and chasing her to her flat. She is not going to forget that, and she is not going to trust you again. BUT the writing was on the wall, it was not as if you a had a beautiful relationship and the outburst killed it, the outburst was a reaction to how bad the relationship had got. This may seem terrible, ATM, but this gives you some sort of clarity a path to move forward. SHE is not coming back, no whatifs, no maybes, no perhapses, it is finished. Stone dead. Finito. You can grieve, you can heal and you can move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yummm Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 (edited) I agree with Elaine. You must think logically to know that deep down the relationship wasn't great and perhaps wasn't going to last regardless of the few actions you could have done. In my case, albeit a short relationship, I was completely unaware of why she broke up with me, causing me to linger on the 'what if's' and 'if onlys' for a long time. The last week I've felt alot better though, going into week 5 of BU. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/530753-much-appreciated - this is my story if you fancy taking your mind off and have a read, comments always much appreciated Edited June 6, 2015 by Yummm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author philsach890 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Share Posted June 6, 2015 You, that night saw you were losing her and that hurt and frustrated you. Add in alcohol and you were a wounded wild animal, scared and angry too. YOU lashed out, she got scared, you realised what you did, but in trying to calm her down, you scared her even more by trying to stop her leaving and chasing her to her flat. She is not going to forget that, and she is not going to trust you again. BUT the writing was on the wall, it was not as if you a had a beautiful relationship and the outburst killed it, the outburst was a reaction to how bad the relationship had got. This may seem terrible, ATM, but this gives you some sort of clarity a path to move forward. SHE is not coming back, no whatifs, no maybes, no perhapses, it is finished. Stone dead. Finito. You can grieve, you can heal and you can move on. It hurts but your right, she was already on her way out the door and me breaking the window duznt change that. Its also the guilt that it had to end that way which frustrates me. I didnt have to react in that way and she was going to end it a week later anyway. I just feel guilty that it had to be left on that note i mean me scaring her like that and leaving that memory that is haunts her. Link to post Share on other sites
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