Why does my ex (the dumper) like to push my buttons when he sees me?

[Ruby65]

Oh, sweetie.... why why why are you watching his Facebook wall?

 

Please block him. This is not something you need to be seeing and torturing yourself with.

 

He's doing it because he CAN, because he's single, because it's fun and flattering and a distraction. That's all.

 

Just block him and all mutual friends -- before you see something that's going to cause you even more pain.

 

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Oh, sweetie.... why why why are you watching his Facebook wall?

 

Please block him. This is not something you need to be seeing and torturing yourself with.

 

He's doing it because he CAN, because he's single, because it's fun and flattering and a distraction. That's all.

 

Just block him and all mutual friends -- before you see something that's going to cause you even more pain.

 

 

I had actually deleted and blocked him as he was packing his things when we broke up.

 

I made the mistake of looking at his Facebook from a friend's phone.

 

I just want to know why he won't even talk to me. It really hurts. I just don't understand it at all.

 

He hasn't initiated any contact, but he did respond to my texts a few nights ago but not to the one I sent yesterday.

 

It makes me wonder: had I not initiated any contact, would he have just left me and never talked to me again?

[Ruby65]

Please don't make that *mistake* again!

 

It makes me wonder: had I not initiated any contact, would he have just left me and never talked to me again?

 

He's broken up with you. That means your relationship is over. It seems harsh now, but it's actually better for YOU if he refuses to keep contact with you.

 

Stick to NC -- and no more online snooping!

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Please don't make that *mistake* again!

 

 

 

He's broken up with you. That means your relationship is over. It seems harsh now, but it's actually better for YOU if he refuses to keep contact with you.

 

Stick to NC -- and no more online snooping!

 

... But he can befriend an ex who cheated on him and tried to ruin his career and get him committed to a mental hospital. That's what I don't get and that's what I need answers to. It's driving me crazy.

[Simon Phoenix]

... But he can befriend an ex who cheated on him and tried to ruin his career and get him committed to a mental hospital. That's what I don't get and that's what I need answers to. It's driving me crazy.

 

You definitely do not need that answer. Not for a second. Why he chooses his friends are his business, not yours. You are broken up -- it's time to act like it.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You definitely do not need that answer. Not for a second. Why he chooses his friends are his business, not yours. You are broken up -- it's time to act like it.

 

I know, and I really wish it were that easy for my mind to grasp that concept. I just can't, because I now find myself questioning our entire relationship. I now wonder if I was just a rebound, or if I was really that terrible. I really tried to make it work and he just pulled away. I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to be stubborn.

[Simon Phoenix]

I know, and I really wish it were that easy for my mind to grasp that concept. I just can't, because I now find myself questioning our entire relationship. I now wonder if I was just a rebound, or if I was really that terrible. I really tried to make it work and he just pulled away. I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to be stubborn.

 

Also, you have to remember that he's been broken up with this other woman for a while. He just broke up with you so he wants to be away from you -- that's why he broke up. You constantly interjecting isn't doing anything beneficial.

 

As for the relationship, it worked when it worked and it didn't when it didn't. Just because you are broken up now doesn't mean that the whole thing was a sham, it means that feelings change. You going back and retracing your steps is a complete waste of time. The moments you enjoyed were real and the breakup is real. There are no dots to connect.

 

Most relationships end in breakup. If you tried and he didn't reciprocate, then know you gave a good effort and move forward.

[Tone Loc]

Please don't make that *mistake* again!

 

 

 

He's broken up with you. That means your relationship is over. It seems harsh now, but it's actually better for YOU if he refuses to keep contact with you.

 

Stick to NC -- and no more online snooping!

 

This comment needs to be plastered all over the forum. Should be made into a sticky thread and quoted on every break up thread. Truer words haven't been spoken he's doing her a big favour by not contacting her as you said, it allows her to heal and move on. Who'd have thought that being ignored by your ex actually helps you to move on with your life! It's so true.

[Tone Loc]

I know, and I really wish it were that easy for my mind to grasp that concept. I just can't, because I now find myself questioning our entire relationship. I now wonder if I was just a rebound, or if I was really that terrible. I really tried to make it work and he just pulled away. I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to be stubborn.

 

You must never think that you weren't good enough or terrible or anything of the sort. This break up does not reflect on you at all, so do not feel guilty or start questioning your qualities or worth. Questioning your choices and mistakes throughout the relationship is not a good idea because all it does is cause more pain, so go easy on yourself. It's his fault, he decided to end the relationship and cut contact with you. And as hard as it may be to grasp, you really do need to respect the fact that he's chosen to cut contact and you must do the same. You will heal, but it will take some time. Let him go, let the memories fade away. This relationship obviously needed a pillow over the face and a swift death because he's not cut out to be in a relationship with you, he's unable to make you happy or be there for you, therefore you're better off without him. You're worth more than that. No one deserves a quitter. Remind yourself every day that you're worth more than what you got out of this relationship. It doesn't seem like it now, but you really are better off this way.

[minime13]

I know, and I really wish it were that easy for my mind to grasp that concept. I just can't, because I now find myself questioning our entire relationship. I now wonder if I was just a rebound, or if I was really that terrible. I really tried to make it work and he just pulled away. I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to be stubborn.

 

Take a break from social media for a week. Use your phone for work, emergencies, and to contact friends. Make yourself busy as much as you can for this week. Do whatever you can and use whatever distractions you need to keep from thinking about this.

 

Then, come back, and read through this thread and see all of the awful things he has done, and the awful ways that he has treated you. You need to see all of these things you have written, in regards to how he has treated you, with a clear head, because I cannot wrap my head around why you think there is something wrong with you, and why you need answers to how he was. It doesn't sound like he even has respect for himself, so there's no way he can have respect for you.

 

Please, do these steps, and when you view these things that he has done on a clear head, you will realize you don't need these answers from someone that you put up with for too long that is frankly not worth your time.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Also, you have to remember that he's been broken up with this other woman for a while. He just broke up with you so he wants to be away from you -- that's why he broke up. You constantly interjecting isn't doing anything beneficial.

 

As for the relationship, it worked when it worked and it didn't when it didn't. Just because you are broken up now doesn't mean that the whole thing was a sham, it means that feelings change. You going back and retracing your steps is a complete waste of time. The moments you enjoyed were real and the breakup is real. There are no dots to connect.

 

Most relationships end in breakup. If you tried and he didn't reciprocate, then know you gave a good effort and move forward.

 

Thank you. I guess I just feel that all of our great memories and experiences we shared mean nothing to him if he can just walk away and avoid contact. He did tell me, when he responded to my texts the other night, that this has been hard on him as well. I hope he was being genuine when he said that. I don't want him to only look back on me in anger.

 

I feel like I'm placing all the blame on myself, too. I tried EVERYTHING to make our relationship work, and for the last few months of our relationship, it just felt so one-sided. He didn't put forth much effort. I even asked if he would consider couples' therapy and he refused, and when I brought up issues he would literally cover his ears, ignore me or just say "All you do is complain." I didn't want to be a nag. I just wanted things to get better. His actions never matched his words. My frustration grew. I cried a lot.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You must never think that you weren't good enough or terrible or anything of the sort. This break up does not reflect on you at all, so do not feel guilty or start questioning your qualities or worth. Questioning your choices and mistakes throughout the relationship is not a good idea because all it does is cause more pain, so go easy on yourself. It's his fault, he decided to end the relationship and cut contact with you. And as hard as it may be to grasp, you really do need to respect the fact that he's chosen to cut contact and you must do the same. You will heal, but it will take some time. Let him go, let the memories fade away. This relationship obviously needed a pillow over the face and a swift death because he's not cut out to be in a relationship with you, he's unable to make you happy or be there for you, therefore you're better off without him. You're worth more than that. No one deserves a quitter. Remind yourself every day that you're worth more than what you got out of this relationship. It doesn't seem like it now, but you really are better off this way.

 

Thank you. I can really tell you read my story. I DO think the breakup was a good thing in the end. I just think I didn't have the guts to end it. I just wish he could have put forth SOME kind of effort instead of walking out on me. It's so frustrating to give and give and give and get nothing in return.

 

Not only that, but I also lost the best job I ever had because of his actions, and I gave him a lot of money and did everything around the house. I often wonder how he will fare without me since he's so immature?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Take a break from social media for a week. Use your phone for work, emergencies, and to contact friends. Make yourself busy as much as you can for this week. Do whatever you can and use whatever distractions you need to keep from thinking about this.

 

Then, come back, and read through this thread and see all of the awful things he has done, and the awful ways that he has treated you. You need to see all of these things you have written, in regards to how he has treated you, with a clear head, because I cannot wrap my head around why you think there is something wrong with you, and why you need answers to how he was. It doesn't sound like he even has respect for himself, so there's no way he can have respect for you.

 

Please, do these steps, and when you view these things that he has done on a clear head, you will realize you don't need these answers from someone that you put up with for too long that is frankly not worth your time.

 

Thanks. Again, I can tell you really read everything. From what you can tell, is he just as much to "blame" for the demise of the relationship as I am?

[Familia]

ColdandLonelyinAK

 

I understand everything you have said, as I am in the same situation as you, no amount of analysing, thinking, piecing together the puzzle will change a thing.

 

It hurts, it's painful, it takes your breathe just the thoughts of why, but we just need to roll with the thoughts and try to move forward, we do not need answers

[minime13]

Thanks. Again, I can tell you really read everything. From what you can tell, is he just as much to "blame" for the demise of the relationship as I am?

 

I would say he is very much to blame for it. First, he initiated it. Second, he sounds awful and I'm not sure why you have put up with this emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse, whether it be physical or emotional/mental. It does break you down and make you feel responsible, but you are not.

 

Please, turn your back on this and get him out of your life for your own good.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I would say he is very much to blame for it. First, he initiated it. Second, he sounds awful and I'm not sure why you have put up with this emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse, whether it be physical or emotional/mental. It does break you down and make you feel responsible, but you are not.

 

Please, turn your back on this and get him out of your life for your own good.

 

If he hadn't pointed the finger at me when he walked out ("You make me more angry than anyone I've ever been with." "Your jealousy is why I'm doing this."), then it would be easier for me to not blame myself. I don't know if I caused him to be that way, or if he was just looking to alleviate his guilt by saying that.

 

I will always maintain that I had reason to be jealous and insecure, though. I think ANY woman would feel that way if her boyfriend came home with hickeys and condoms in his pocket, no?

[minime13]

If he hadn't pointed the finger at me when he walked out ("You make me more angry than anyone I've ever been with." "Your jealousy is why I'm doing this."), then it would be easier for me to not blame myself. I don't know if I caused him to be that way, or if he was just looking to alleviate his guilt by saying that.

 

I will always maintain that I had reason to be jealous and insecure, though. I think ANY woman would feel that way if her boyfriend came home with hickeys and condoms in his pocket, no?

 

You are being rational about that. The way you are thinking about the break-up, not so much. That's why you need to step away from it and clear your head. Take a step back, do your own thing, work on your own needs, and review this on a clear head. It will be crystal clear once you do that. I know it's easier said than done, but please do this for yourself.

 

Best of luck.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you. I guess I just feel that all of our great memories and experiences we shared mean nothing to him if he can just walk away and avoid contact. He did tell me, when he responded to my texts the other night, that this has been hard on him as well. I hope he was being genuine when he said that. I don't want him to only look back on me in anger.

 

I feel like I'm placing all the blame on myself, too. I tried EVERYTHING to make our relationship work, and for the last few months of our relationship, it just felt so one-sided. He didn't put forth much effort. I even asked if he would consider couples' therapy and he refused, and when I brought up issues he would literally cover his ears, ignore me or just say "All you do is complain." I didn't want to be a nag. I just wanted things to get better. His actions never matched his words. My frustration grew. I cried a lot.

 

Why would he stay in contact with someone he broke up with? Think about how little sense that makes. As for the rest of it, why the hell would you want to try again with a person who didn't try at all and constantly reduced you to tears? I mean, re-read what you are writing. No offense, but it's nonsense. I realize it's due to emotions, but if your friend wrote what you just wrote you'd be like the caveman in this commercial.

 

 

The only thing you are to blame for here is putting up with all of this crap for as long as you did and for some odd reason continuing to chase for contact after he finally pulled the plug. You should be relieved that he did. He's almost saving you from yourself by breaking up with you like this, but you are chasing your tail for no reason.

Edited May 7, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Why would he stay in contact with someone he broke up with? Think about how little sense that makes. As for the rest of it, why the hell would you want to try again with a person who didn't try at all and constantly reduced you to tears? I mean, re-read what you are writing. No offense, but it's nonsense. I realize it's due to emotions, but if your friend wrote what you just wrote you'd be like the caveman in this commercial.

 

 

I guess the optimist in me was hoping he would try to change. And I thought if he could stay in contact with his other ex, why not me?

 

I know it's nonsense. I KNOW I relied too heavily on him for a sense of fulfillment.

 

I lost him, and a month earlier I lost my job. It has been a hard time for me with all of the other things I've been through in the last year. I guess when I lost him I felt like I lost everything. This has been the hardest year of my life, and the loss of my relationship just feels like yet another failure. It has battered my self esteem.

 

I really hope I can look back on this in a year and laugh at it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess the optimist in me was hoping he would try to change. And I thought if he could stay in contact with his other ex, why not me?

 

I know it's nonsense. I KNOW I relied too heavily on him for a sense of fulfillment.

 

I lost him, and a month earlier I lost my job. It has been a hard time for me with all of the other things I've been through in the last year. I guess when I lost him I felt like I lost everything. This has been the hardest year of my life, and the loss of my relationship just feels like yet another failure. It has battered my self esteem.

 

I really hope I can look back on this in a year and laugh at it.

 

Why the hell do you want to stay in contact with someone who dumped you? Do you realize how painful and counterproductive that is? I think you are blindly wishing for something without any idea or concept of how detrimental it really is. As for him staying in touch with that other ex, that's not exactly doing him many favors is it? I mean, you really have to get off that -- it's like you are walking down the street getting mad at strangers for not slugging you in the face.

 

As for the rest of it, I'm sorry you are going through all of this at once. I'm definitely not trying to minimize that by any means. However, you have a great chance to hit the reset button and come out ahead in time. You can get a better job, a better place, more self-confidence, a better boyfriend. But none of that will happen if you keep begging for table scraps from the other guy who is obviously awful for you (or anyone else).

 

I know I'm being direct, but you need to get your bearings a bit. I feel as if you are flailing around.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Why the hell do you want to stay in contact with someone who dumped you? Do you realize how painful and counterproductive that is? I think you are blindly wishing for something without any idea or concept of how detrimental it really is. As for him staying in touch with that other ex, that's not exactly doing him many favors is it? I mean, you really have to get off that -- it's like you are walking down the street getting mad at strangers for not slugging you in the face.

 

As for the rest of it, I'm sorry you are going through all of this at once. I'm definitely not trying to minimize that by any means. However, you have a great chance to hit the reset button and come out ahead in time. You can get a better job, a better place, more self-confidence, a better boyfriend. But none of that will happen if you keep begging for table scraps from the other guy who is obviously awful for you (or anyone else).

 

I know I'm being direct, but you need to get your bearings a bit. I feel as if you are flailing around.

 

I appreciate your input, and no you're not being too direct. I need to hear that.

 

I am aware that my way of thinking is irrational, and I was way too dependant on him for my happiness. I think our relationship was such a big investment of time and money and I lost a lot and I'm not willing to let that all be for nothing in my mind and that's why I can't let go.

 

I am going back to school in the fall and am currently looking for a new job, but until then I don't have a lot going on for myself and it only exacerbates my depression. My mother said there will be a point where I'll just become really angry and at that point it will be easier for me to let go. I hope that time comes sooner rather than later.

 

I still frequently have the urge to text or call him. I feel like I'm about to give in and tell him I miss him.

 

It's like my heart won't catch up with my mind, if that makes any sense.

[Simon Phoenix]

I appreciate your input, and no you're not being too direct. I need to hear that.

 

I am aware that my way of thinking is irrational, and I was way too dependant on him for my happiness. I think our relationship was such a big investment of time and money and I lost a lot and I'm not willing to let that all be for nothing in my mind and that's why I can't let go.

 

I am going back to school in the fall and am currently looking for a new job, but until then I don't have a lot going on for myself and it only exacerbates my depression. My mother said there will be a point where I'll just become really angry and at that point it will be easier for me to let go. I hope that time comes sooner rather than later.

 

I still frequently have the urge to text or call him. I feel like I'm about to give in and tell him I miss him.

 

It's like my heart won't catch up with my mind, if that makes any sense.

 

Just realize that your heart is being a really big f--king idiot right now. Unfortunately, hearts are idiots much of the time. That's why we have brains, to counterbalance the stupid-ass things our hearts say. You have to stop being your own worst enemy, because that's what you are right now.

 

This process sucks and is painful even if you do everything "the right way". Doing it wrong makes it that much worse. And as for the "investment" thing, that's terrible, terrible logic. Basically, what you have write now is a tax writeoff. If you continue to throw money into it, then you'll be bankrupt and homeless. Don't be bankrupt and homeless.

 

You need to block him everywhere because you aren't capable of ignoring/letting go without help. There's nothing wrong with that, but acknowledge that you need help right now to do the right thing and get that help. Don't hold yourself back out of irrationality and foolishness.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

What kind of help do you mean? Like professional help?

[Simon Phoenix]

What kind of help do you mean? Like professional help?

 

No, like blocking all of his phone/social media/e-mails so you stop contacting him and he can't contact you. Since you don't have the self-control to not contact/ignore (many dumpers don't at your stage), use blocking as a way to help you not undermine yourself.

 

Maybe a counselor could help you too, but that's not what I was trying to say right now. Though it might not be the worst idea if you continue to be incapable of setting boundaries for yourself, but try blocking first.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

No, like blocking all of his phone/social media/e-mails so you stop contacting him and he can't contact you. Since you don't have the self-control to not contact/ignore (many dumpers don't at your stage), use blocking as a way to help you not undermine yourself.

 

Maybe a counselor could help you too, but that's not what I was trying to say right now. Though it might not be the worst idea if you continue to be incapable of setting boundaries for yourself, but try blocking first.

 

I haven't texted him for a couple of days now. I told him what was still at my place of his and that I missed him. I actually have been pretty good about not going overboard with the texting. I haven't called him once. I just meant I FEEL like doing it a lot.

 

I think it's just difficult for me to understand his thinking right now and I just want answers and closure. I often wonder how we can go from seeing each other every single day to not at all and how he can just drop me like that. That's what hurts.

 

Do you think he'll ever talk to me again?