Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 Thanks for the replies, everyone. I am a little better today. Last night I started thinking more about the negative aspects of our relationship and it helped me. It's damaging to only think of the "good times". For instance, he would call me a "b*tch" and a "c*nt", flip me off and mock me. I really don't know why I stayed so long. In retrospect, *I* should have dumped HIM. But there's still a part of me that thinks "If you had only tried a little harder. If you had only been a little nicer, thinner, etc." I guess I just want to know if it really WAS me, or he was just too immature for a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 My ex broke up with me a few days ago. I admit I broke NC today to tell him he left some important things at my place and did he want me to put them in a box or throw them out. He just responded with "Alright" After that, I drafted out a long "goodbye" text explaining my feelings and that we were both to blame for the relationship failing. However, I did not send it. I think I mainly want to send it because I made the mistake of looking at his Facebook today and saw that he re friended his ex (who cheated on him and broke his heart, and also tried to break us up many times), as well as another girl who tried to come between us. These are both women who I had asked him to unfriend because they were causing problems. It hurt me immensely to see that. So, should I send the letter or not? Will I regret it later and is the breakup too fresh to do it at this time? Is it ever a good time to do that? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 You are only looking for a response/reaction. So no, don't send it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Twigyy Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 A lot of people have asked this question in this forum, and to be honest around 60% of the time they end up doing what they want. But if I am in your situation I would give it a couple of days, then think about it again. just follow your feelings I guess. If you wouldnt want to talk to her again after the letter then great. If it makes you miss her more then I would say no. Personally I think that goodbye letters are manipulative, and the dumpers don't see it they way you want them to see. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 saw that he re friended his ex (who cheated on him and broke his heart, and also tried to break us up many times), as well as another girl who tried to come between us. These are both women who I had asked him to unfriend because they were causing problems . So you forced him to do something, now that he is split up he is free to add whoever he wants. I also think that goodbye letters are manipulative, so just leave it be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 To be honest, I didn't want to send it to be manipulative. I really just want some closure. My friend told me men and women don't see closure in the same way, so he may get the wrong idea from it. Also, what do I do with his stuff? His response to my text was very vague, and he is military, so I can't get on post and just drop his stuff off on his porch or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 You won't get much closure within a couple days of the breakup hon. Too soon. Writing the letter is fine, but I wouldn't send it. We like to thing it'll inspire them to either take us back or cry bitter tears of regret for all the harm they've done us, but all it'll really do is make them groan and roll their eyes. If he's over you he doesn't want to hear romantic whimsy and post mortem analysis, he just wants to go on his way. If he's not over you and he's just being weird by breaking up, your words will probably just make him weirder. I think a letter can work quite a bit further down the line, after your feelings are sorted and you're both onto whatever next phase awaits. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 You won't get much closure within a couple days of the breakup hon. Too soon. Writing the letter is fine, but I wouldn't send it. We like to thing it'll inspire them to either take us back or cry bitter tears of regret for all the harm they've done us, but all it'll really do is make them groan and roll their eyes. If he's over you he doesn't want to hear romantic whimsy and post mortem analysis, he just wants to go on his way. If he's not over you and he's just being weird by breaking up, your words will probably just make him weirder. I think a letter can work quite a bit further down the line, after your feelings are sorted and you're both onto whatever next phase awaits. Thank you. I had thought about sending it further on down the line, but don't want to think "it's been this long since our breakup and she's sending this to me now? She still isn't over me." Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Will it make you feel better, even if he doesn't respond? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 Will it make you feel better, even if he doesn't respond? I'm pretty sure it would at first, but perhaps not further down the line. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Thank you. I had thought about sending it further on down the line, but don't want to think "it's been this long since our breakup and she's sending this to me now? She still isn't over me." He won't think that because that version of the letter won't come off as needy and pleading anymore. It'll just be the stable you saying a proper goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
SLee Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I would say, as others are saying, no. Don't send it. If it helps to get your feelings out, post online or write your feelings up in a word document, but never send it. Getting your feelings out on paper (or computer) helps immensely because at least they're not just swimming in your head. Don't look at his Facebook or anything, it's only going to hurt more. It's not good for you so don't. Delete, block him, whatever you have to do. Closure almost never helps. I sought closure and stuff with my ex. It only hurt more. Either you don't get any answers, or answers that just hurt worse. Either way, I advise against it. Don't take any action until you're completely over the hurt, which may be a long time, and by that time you might not even care anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Your closure is this. He doesn't want you. He wants to still keep in touch with his ex. You laid down the law he didn't like it. So as you are not all that important to him he said good bye. Leave him alone he is not for you. Get off of Facebook and go true no contact. Stop stalking him. I can tell you now. After spending over a decade wanting "closure" on a past relationship that broke me badly... Sometimes the answer is sitting there slapping you in the face and you choose to ignore it. In my case that ex was simply an a-hole and it really is that simple and basic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 It's you who hurt yourself by monitoring his social media. You can send that message if you want to, but I wouldn't. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Also, what do I do with his stuff? His response to my text was very vague, and he is military, so I can't get on post and just drop his stuff off on his porch or anything. DO NOT contact him If he wants his stuff he will come and get it. Leave it for a while, do not be a mad b*tch and get rid immediately but if he hasn't contacted you within a decent amount of time, as to picking it up, then assume he doesn't want it and bin it or dispose of it as required. Link to post Share on other sites
seminoles84 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Do not send. It won't help in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
imtrying211 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Speaking from experience, don't send it! I recently sent an email to my ex that I now regret. It was basically me pouring my heart out, telling him how happy he had made me, how I could've made things better, and wished him the happiness in life that he deserves. All I got was a "that was really nice". My feelings have since changed due to a recent conversation with him, and I wish I didn't tell him those things because in the long run it probably made him feel better about himself, when he made me feel like crap. Your thoughts/feelings may change as you grieve the loss, and process what has really happened. I know mine have been all over the place! Keep the letter, write a bunch of letters, just don't give him the satisfaction of reading them. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Listen, I'm all about finding closure for MYSELF if only to make peace with things. I also big on forgiveness but that is also for MYSELF so I can move on to greener pastures BUT there is a time to do this and this is NOT the time. I agree that writing a letter now is fine if only to vent and clear out your head and heart but then put it away. It can be very cathartic to do this and may even help with your healing process. I also strongly encourage you to STOP stalking your ex and delete him from any of your social media sites. Until you do this, you will have an infinitely harder time getting over him and you'll run the risk of going mental. After a few weeks, go back to that letter and reread it. I am willing to bet that it won't even matter anymore. You'll be able to read it with an objective eye and be grateful you waited to send it. If at that point you still feel a need to send it, be sure to revise it accordingly and share it with him. Just be sure you're doing it for the right reasons...closure for YOU so you can move on. If you're hoping this will prompt him to come running back to you, then you need more time until you can send it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 Thanks so much for the responses, everyone. This weekend will be extremely hard for me. He mainly left me because he has gotten back into the party scene and hated having a girlfriend hold him back, so knowing that he could be out there with any woman he pleases will be really hard for me. I know it's his choice now, but it makes me feel terrible. I always wanted to go out with him and have fun and he wouldn't let me. The thought of him talking and possibly falling for some other girl is gut-wrenching for me. As for his ex: I know he doesn't have feelings for her. He added her, her best friend, and another girl who had lived up here and had tried to break us up... As well as some other girl I don't know. They are all married or engaged now and living in different states. He hated his ex. It was more of a power struggle. He didn't like me telling him to do that, and in a sense maybe it was wrong of me. But she was not only trying to break us up, but she was causing a lot of problems for him at work. That's why I preferred the ties be broken. I think he possibly readded them to get his "control" back. But, you guys are right. I now find myself thinking "Is he badmouthing me to these women whom I don't want knowing my business?" He badmouthed all of them when we got together so it's very possible. I also wonder in my mind if he's dating the other random girl he added. I know it sounds juvenile. Perhaps I read into Facebook too much. I actually deleted and blocked him while he was right in front of me packing his things. I looked at all this from a friend's phone. I just don't know why he hasn't said a single word to me since we broke up. Is it just too soon? Or was I really that terrible to him that he can befriend an ex again who cheated on him and tried to get him dishonorably discharged from the military,but he can't even ask the woman who he dumped who was always loyal to him if she's ok? That's why it hurts me so much. I did not send the letter and, in retrospect, I'm glad I didn't. But when I wake up in the morning and HE'S NOT THERE, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Why was boozing, the boys and flirting more important to him than what we had built together? It kills me. I can't be with someone in the future, put forth so much time and effort and have this happen again. This is the SECOND man who has left be because he wanted to be out all hours of the night and morning partying. Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 DO NOT contact him If he wants his stuff he will come and get it. Leave it for a while, do not be a mad b*tch and get rid immediately but if he hasn't contacted you within a decent amount of time, as to picking it up, then assume he doesn't want it and bin it or dispose of it as required. I agree with this. Legally speaking I think there is a "reasonable amount of time" to store his things for free, and then they become your possessions (or much better yet, thrown away.) You can re-write the letter informing him of this, and throw in an extremely condensed closure statement. Then its strict NC, no matter how tempted you may be. If you maintain on his social media, you would just be encouraging him to think of you as controlling, and something he doesn't want. In any type of break up, regardless if its initiated by me or by the guy, I would want them to have respect for me, even if it wasn't working out for whatever reason. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I really think you have to look at the motivation for sending the letter and what you can realistically accomplish by sending it. Most of the time, people want to send a letter to evoke a certain emotional response in the recipient, but it's not realistic to think you can control that. Really and truly, these letters are meant to make your ex feel a certain way (sympathetic to you, feel regret for what they did, feel like a bad person for causing pain, want to get back together because they feel so bad). It never works though because you can't control how someone else feels. Also, he's no longer your go to person for expressing your feelings. He's not the person who's going to be there for you anymore. I think the best advice would be to write the letter but don't send it. Express your feelings to family/friends who can be sympathetic to how you feel. Trust me, your ex is not going to be sympathetic anymore. He's just not because he's looking to deflect any blame and minimize how you feel. He feels how he feels, and no letter is going to make him feel better or worse. If anything, a letter might make him have a worse view of you. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I just don't know why he hasn't said a single word to me since we broke up. Is it just too soon? Or was I really that terrible to him that he can befriend an ex again who cheated on him and tried to get him dishonorably discharged from the military,but he can't even ask the woman who he dumped who was always loyal to him if she's ok? As to why he isn't talking to you, try not to take it personally. I know that's asking a heck of a lot because it is personal to you. But it's just awkward after a breakup. He knows he hurt you, so he's not going to check up on you. He has no idea how you would react, and he probably wants to distance himself from the hurt he caused. It's self-preservation on his part and doesn't have much to do with you. Try to remember that. He is motivated by his own self-interests. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 As to why he isn't talking to you, try not to take it personally. I know that's asking a heck of a lot because it is personal to you. But it's just awkward after a breakup. He knows he hurt you, so he's not going to check up on you. He has no idea how you would react, and he probably wants to distance himself from the hurt he caused. It's self-preservation on his part and doesn't have much to do with you. Try to remember that. He is motivated by his own self-interests. Do you think he feels any sort of guilt at all, or has already forgotten about me? I really hope he hasn't. We were really close. We lived together. Everything in my house is a reminder of him. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Donate everything! Don't even tell him. And do not contact him in any way. He doesn't care at this point. So just move forward and stay busy enough to not think of him. Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Neediness overloaded. No letters or grand gestures whatsoever. You will regret that immensely. Link to post Share on other sites
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