I called him.

[Fallen_Angel]

Let me preface this by saying ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.

 

Alright, it felt good to get that out.

 

Here's the story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=59984

 

Basically, he claimed after three and a half years, he still wasn't sure what the future held, so he felt it was unfair to me to continue the relationship. I decided to stop contacting him because talking to him had become too painful, but I'd been having conflicting thoughts about no contact. He had told me he didn't want to lose our friendship (yes, I know, a cop out so he wouldn't feel as guilty) and to call him whenever I wanted. I really wanted to know how he was doing, and I also wanted his thoughts on my job situation (I'm thinking of switching jobs).

 

At first the conversation was as generic as our last few instant message conversations that forced me to institute NC in the first place. But when he asked how I was holding up, I was honest. I told him there were good and bad days, and he agreed. He was very interested in my potential job switch and made me promise to keep him posted. I told him I still had a few unresolved questions, and he said he wanted to hear them. I asked if there was anyone else, and he said no. I do believe that, because he is pretty shy when it comes to girls. (We met via mutual friends, and one of his mutual friends let me know he was interested because he was too scared to tell me himself.) I also asked if he stopped loving me, and again the answer was no. (Ok, total non-sequitur: his favorite band is Led Zeppelin, and they keep coming up on my Media Player - I have it on shuffle. Again, ARRRRGH!) He said he felt terrible for hurting me because I'd been so great to him, and that none of this is my fault because I did the very best I could.

 

He said he needs time to figure things out, but he doesn't want me to wait around. I quickly told him that NO, I will NOT wait around. I respect myself a bit more than that! But I did tell him that in my heart I hope he realizes how great we are together and that he'll change his mind. He said he really hopes things work out for us too. Both of us were in tears by the end of the conversation. He sounded a little ragged and hoarse. But I wasn't hysterical - in fact after I hung up the phone I looked myself in the mirror and I didn't break down. I felt a little better because I'd gotten those thoughts off my chest.

 

So as far as NC goes, he said he knew I wasn't calling him because I needed time to process things. I told him he was right. I still want to talk to him, but I don't want to burst into hysterical sobs in mid-conversation. He still wants to talk too - in fact he said he'd call later this week if he didn't hear from me first. Already I know that in the long run this will hurt me more than help...but at the same time, we had such a wonderful relationship and technically we didn't part on bad terms. It feels somehow unnatural for me not to be in contact with him, although obviously not to a point where I'm in CONSTANT contact and I'm moping over my loss. Sigh. Guess I'm totally with him on the wait-and-see attitude, since I'm taking this one day at a time myself.

 

Thanks for reading. I know you might want to yell at me for breaking NC, but...hey, every situation is different! And I'm not telling myself things are going to change overnight, if ever!

[MistressD]

I think you are right that no contact is hard. People are different and situations are different. Some people can quit smoking cold turkey and others have to be wiened off. I think it really depends on your personality type. Sometimes it easier to let go when you can call and talk to him....just knowing that you can. I think the key to that is still go on with your life. Make sure you are dating others, going out with friends, not expecting his call and doing things to ultimately give you a new life replacing the things you did together. I dont like the no contact thing but I dont have the kind of personality that will allow me to endure for long something that is bad for me ie smoking...I just didnt enjoy it anymore. Again, I think no contact works for some and may not for others.

[sanne]

i wish i were in your situation, you at least have reason to want to contact your ex. my ex cheated on me in the most awful way possible and today i find myself wanting to talk with her so badly, i keep deleting her and undeleting her from my buddylist as I waver back and forth between my various moods. this is without a doubt the worst possible period of my life, and ironically she is the only one I could talk to about things like this.

[rmo2380]

well i think its great to have some contact. if you didnt have any contact than the other person might not think its affecting you. i dont think its a good idea to contact him everyday. but i believe no contact isnt the best solution because it would make it easier on him to move on too. its obvious to me that you love this man so why try to forget about it and be ashamed of your feelings. to me in a relationship youhave tobe friends before lovers. i mean seriously if ya had no contact dont you think it would be easier to move on. but if you want to move on than yeah no contact is a good thing. i would keep contact but not an everyday thing. i would go out hang out and meet new people. you might meet someone that takes your mind and your heart off him. but being friends is a good thing. i wouldnt do too much contact cause that might push him away, but once a week wouldnt hurt anybody anymore than whats you are going through. i could be wrong but to me after a relationship ya cant just drop everything and try to get them out of your life and act like you dont care about them. sometimes people need time to figure out who they are because they get off track. they need time to figure what they want and need. anyways, i am not sure if i was any help, i am just advising to keep your options open. good luck to you.

[loveisallaround]

FA; this story brings me a lot of hope, thank you for sharing it with us.

 

I wish the best for you both. It's amazing how you both support eachother. Thats a very good thing to have.

 

And you're right, every situation is different. Hopefully this was just a temp stick in the spokes and eventually will bring you closer in the end.

[Fallen_Angel]

Thanks guys...see, this is why I love these boards so much.

 

Though I hate to admit it, I am learning things from this situation. One of those things is just how sticky the whole concept of no contact is. It's not a blanket solution. Sure, it's simple in context but it applies to everyone differently. If you break up on good terms and you were used to speaking/seeing someone all the time, it is SO hard to suddenly go without. The other person was not just your lover, but someone you experienced life with. He or she has seen you at your best, and your worst.

 

I don't meet a lot of new people, so that's one of the reasons why moving on seems like a tough concept to grasp. (FYI, I'm not contemplating a job switch for that reason! There are a lot of other factors involved.) But then again, I don't believe you meet someone by wishing for it; it simply happens when you least expect it. After all, that's how I met my ex. Regardless, I am trying to pick up the pieces. I'm spending more time with friends I kinda neglected, and I'm going to the gym more often and reading more.

 

I certainly don't plan on staying in constant contact. I'm glad I do realize that by doing so, I'd push him away. If this had happened several years ago, I'd probably come across as a desperate leech. So perhaps I am wiser now than I was a few short years ago. I agree that once a week would be a good thing. At least that way he knows I do care, but I'm not sitting around waiting for him to sweep me off my feet or something.

 

Sigh. I'm walking a fine line between hoping he'll realize his mistake and numbly awaiting the next chapter of my lackluster love life. I do hope this is just temporary, love!

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Fallen Angel,

 

reading your post took me back to my own situation about 6 months ago. My ex broke up with me 7 months ago, saying about the same things as your ex. And he also really wanted to stay in touch, did not want me to wait for him and hoped we would get back together once he sorted out his life.

 

Well, it is 7 months later now, and we are not back together. In fact, over 5 weeks ago I decided that I would have to walk away for good, as he was not coming round, and as much as I pretented to, I was not moving on while still in contact with him.

 

He would still like to stay in touch, meet up and be good friends, and once I started NC, he even contacted me excessively for 3 weeks or so.

 

But, it all does not change the fact that he does not want to get back together with me and I am still wrapped up in him and our relationship.

 

When I look back at the first few weeks now, where even though I was broken hearted, I also was very hopeful that things would work out, because he obviously still cared about me, I now wish that I had walked away back then already.

 

By pretending that I am okay with being in friendly touch, without being in a relationship, I only prolonged my suffering, and probably gave him the impression that I was over it.

 

So my advice to you would be to say everything you have to say to him, and then tell him that you can't be friends right now. If he changes his mind, then he should please contact you, but if not than you need some time to get over the relationship you had. You will contact him once you are ready to be just friends for now.

 

Well, that would be my advice, but I know it is not an easy one to take, especially in your stage of the breakup.

 

I hope things turn out better with you and your guy and he will realize soon, what he is missing.

 

All the best!

[Fallen_Angel]

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Yesterday I was feeling good for a while, as though I really had unburdened myself, but then I heard a song that vaguely reminds me of him on the radio and I got upset. And I cried last night before I went to sleep...sometimes the pain of missing him is too much to handle.

 

But I've told myself to allow these feelings to come out as they arise. Like I've said (either here, or in other posts), I know I can't allow hope/optimism to be my guiding force. Statistically, it's 50/50, right? He either changes his mind or he doesn't.

 

Today is another day. At least the sun is shining.

[fire]

FA,

i am really sorry you are hurting. i really however have to say i agree with the previous poster. he thinks he is being kinder to let you down gently step by step, but he isnt. i am not saying he is not confused, i am sure that he is, but if somebody takes the risk of ending a relationship, knowing that they could with such an act lose the other person for good, then they have pretty much made a decision.

i think you should ask him for a straight answer i.e "can you tell me now whether it is worth me hanging on to hope with this situation, because if it isn't then i am wasting my time and prolonging the pain." if the answer is no then "i cannot contact you until i am ready to be friends with you"

i know he wants to comfort you and obviously feels bad but sometimes it is kinder for somebody to do what my ex just did and outright ignore you.

i have been in situations like this also where the ex gave me such hope that all would be resolved that the relationship carrried on except every week or so he would say "well you know its over" and then begin with the whole "i want you, i miss you" thing again.

it is so hard to accept rejection but it is far better when you dont prolong it, it is like being rejected over and over again each time you speak with him.

wish you well

[Learning12]

Hi FallenAngel,

 

I was so struck by the similarities in our situations that I registered to the site so I could post a reply. My girlfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me because she said she did not think she could commit to a long-term future and she thought that I deserved to be with someone who could. We are both 24, and she also was my first serious relationship. She is in graduate school while I have been in the working world for 2 years now. And if that is not enough, she also says she badly wants to remain friends because she still cares about me. I'm not sure what to do about it. Sounds eerily familiar, right?

 

I also have struggled with the idea of no contact. About three weeks ago, she told me that she wanted to "take a break" because she was confused. I was stunned, but when I gathered my thoughts, I assumed she was overly stressed because finals were approaching and I went along with it. Well last week she asked me to go run errands with her, which I agreed to. I assumed it was a good sign that she wanted to hang out. We got to talking and I tried to get a gauge on her feelings. She broke down and said that she thought we were great friends but that she did not want to be boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. She said her heart had changed and that she was so busy with school that she could not devote the time to make our relationship work. Rather than be in a halfhearted relationship, she said she had to be honest and let me go.

 

I seemingly go through a dozen emotions a day. Part of me is angry at her for not giving me a chance, for bailing out just as summer is approaching and just as I finally got a day job (I have been working nights/weekends for 2 years and while we live close by it has been tough to see each other often). Part of me is glad that she is being honest with the fact that she can't commit. Part of me yearns for her to come back and part of me never wants to see her again. Mostly I am just hurt that she says her heart is not into me anymore.

 

I do not know how to react to her eagerness for friendship. My initial response was that I did want to be friends, but that I would need time to come to terms with what happened. We have talked sparingly in the past week -- in fact the last time was yesterday, when I told her that I got the job at my company. She was happy for me and said we should have a cookout with friends to celebrate when I was ready. I hung up feeling confused because it was like she did not even acknowledge the fact that she broke my heart just days ago. But again she has been jam-packed busy with school and I think that it will take a quiet summer for her to fully realize that she pushed me aside. And like you said, I don't want to beg for anything. I do deserve better than that.

 

Anyway, I meant this as a short note and I have gotten carried away. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your situation and that your honesty has helped me a lot in the past week. Good luck to you and may we all understand these things someday down the road.

[Fallen_Angel]

Hey guys,

 

I can't thank you enough for your advice. From time to time I have to remind myself that I'm not going through this alone!

 

Yesterday was really tough. Obviously the implications of calling him are really affecting me. D'oh. It's as though I sub-consciously tricked myself into believing (at least for a second or two) that none of this has happened. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night - this is happening more and more frequently. I fall asleep just fine, and then wake up for no reason. Well, last night after I fell asleep for the second time I dreamed he had set up a profile on an Internet dating site and I was really depressed. I'm sure my dream symbol books aren't modern enough to explain the symbolism of the Internet.

 

Anyhow, I know my ex is a good guy and he doesn't want me to be hurt. Unfortunately there is no gray area in a situation like this - either we're together and happy, or apart and hurt. I've never handled rejection well. I figured I'd get better at it, as it's happened so many times in one degree or another.

 

When I talked to him the other night he did mention he would want to hang out, but he mentioned it without any specifics, so I guess he means "when the time is right" or something like that. I know I'm not ready for such a thing. I can't imagine being around him and not wanting to hold his hand or kiss him.

 

Learning, I feel like I'm going through a zillion emotions too. In fact I went through a whole bunch just sitting in traffic on the way to work this morning. I felt sad when "Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me" by Gladys Knight came on the radio. I adore that song and the lyrics always made me think of him. Then I heard "Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel (my commute is almost an hour in the mornings, so I am glued to my satellite radio). I love that song too - it reminded me that I can get through this, because so many other people have nursed broken hearts too and have come through much stronger than before. People keep telling me I have inner strength. It's time I start believing them and allowing it to come out.

 

Thanks again - I know I've said it before, but I don't know what I'd do without this board to share my misery and read everyone's stories and advice.