"I'm not here. This isn't happening."

Yesterday my horoscope said "It's not what you had in mind for the weekend, but it's not the worst that could

happen. It could mark a whole new beginning." I wish I would have read those words more seriously. Maybe then I wouldn't have left the house last night.

I could tell when I talked to my bf on the phone earlier that something was wrong, but he wouldn't divulge. When I got to his house he was noticeably upset, so I asked him what was wrong and he wasn't responding. I told him he was scaring me and asked if I'd done something wrong. I even asked "Do you still love me?" (Not sure why I'd ask such a question, but it just came out.) He replied by saying his problem was that he did love me, but didn't think his love for me would ever reach a point where he could see himself marrying me. In short, he felt that by continuing our relationship he'd be doing more harm than good because he didn't want me to "waste my time."

I've been dating my bf for three and a half years and we've never had any major problems. In fact, we've never had a major fight. And we were each other's "first." Over the summer we had a discussion about our future wherein he admitted he wasn't sure where things were "going" but he still loved me & wanted to be with me. I figured he was afraid because he was about to start grad school and he was very nervous about it. Once he got settled at school things got back to normal. He had a rough first semester but I did everything I could to make it easier on him.

So while he's trying to explain why he can't date me anymore, I start crying hysterically. I keep yelling, "I don't understand. Why would you do this to me?" He was rather emotional too, which made me feel even worse. We talked & held each other (and I occasionally burst into tears) all night. I was originally supposed to stay over before this had even occurred, and he refused to let me leave. It was raining pretty badly, and I was afraid I wouldn't make it back to my house in one piece.

He says he still loves me and wants us to be there for each other while we get through this. I tried to explain I tried the "be friends with an ex" thing before and it did not work. I asked him again and again why he couldn't be with me if we still love each other. Sounds logical enough, doesn't it? I've never pressured him into defining our future (we're both 23 and will be 24 soon). Yes, I've brought up marriage, but only in abstract terms, i.e. "Won't it be fun to get a nice house someday? With a big bed? And a dog?" I realized early on that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him (yes, this is my first "serious" - longer than a month - relationship, so I know it can be argued that I need more experience, but I still feel as though I've met enough of the wrong guys), so I thought it would all fall into place eventually.

I feel so lost. I was only seeing him once a week, since he was so busy with school, but I already know I'm going to miss our Saturdays together...and our weeknight phone calls...everything. How am I going to get over him if he plans to stay in contact with me frequently? And why does part of me hang so stubbornly onto the hope that he'll change his mind? (I'm in denial too, so this obviously doesn't help the situation.)

I apologize if this seems scatterbrained. I needed to get it all out. Thanks for reading.

I have just been through something very similar. I am so sorry for what you are going through honey. I know it hurts and you are probably still in shock. I found embracing the initial denial helpped me through the first stages. I thought right I am not going to think about this being the end, I am going to focus on me and getting myself calm befor I deal with it. Take a few days to yourself to let everything calm down before you decide on your next move. Let the next few days be about you and no-one else.

if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. you can't force anyone to love you. understanding this and dealing with it is truly the hardest part about breaking up. trust me, once you come out of this, you'll be a much stronger and better person.

I was pretty calm for the rest of the afternoon - I even called one of my best friends and after discussing it with him I felt better.

But when I talked to him (guess I have to get used to not calling him that other term anymore) earlier online, he suggested I call him later on. So I did. And everything he basically said was a rehash of last night. I started to tear up, but the more he spoke the more I felt the beginnings of anger. Yes, I feel bad he's feeling the same way I am, or so he says. Yes, I'm glad he wants to help me through this. But breaking my heart into a bazillion pieces is NOT the same as helping me.

Wow, that felt good. I've always loved writing. I know I have a pretty intense date with my journal later.

Thanks for your reponses. I do want to take this time to prove to myself and everyone else that I am a strong person...one day at a time.

Hi there,

So sorry to hear what you are going through! Have you asked him what made him decide to do this? Is he feeling stressed and overwhelmed and doesn't know how to get it out...does he want to date other ppl...is he freaking cause it's been 3.5 yrs...does he suddenly feel he hasn't dated enough ppl?

You said he mentioned this a few months ago too, so it seems as if it has been on his mind, and he just finally worked up the ability to get it out. Maybe being away at grad school helped him get distant enough until he could break it off officially.

I know that these things only get easier with time, but as for now, it will be pretty damn hard! My bf acted the very same way. He just felt young, and like he was already married (we were 22, and it unexpectedly got serious pretty fast). He ended up cheating on me b/c he didn't have the courage to actually let me go.

Hang in there, and you will be fine!

good luck girl! Bubbly

Hi bubby,

Thanks for the response. While he was initially explaining things to me, he said he talked to his friends at school, (most of whom are married or are very close to doing so) and he felt like he didn't feel that "edge" with me, like he didn't see his feelings for me progressing past where they are right now. I know he's been stressed since grad school began in September, and as I said I was trying very hard to make things easier for him. I didn't place any demands on his time, although I let him know I did miss him. (When we went to school together, we saw each other every day.)

I have this feeling that once he tells his two best friends about what happened (guys he's known since grade school), they're going to tell him he's insane for doing this to me. Then again, I know both guys have relationship issues.

As far as dating other people and such, he says he can't imagine doing so now. He has said before that he felt like we'd been dating for a very long time, but to me it seemed more like disbelief at how much time had gone by than "oh crap, we should break up so I can start getting different girls."

When we had the similar discussion a few months back, I got a little upset and he said "What are we supposed to do now? See other people?" I told him that wasn't what I wanted and he agreed. Of course for the next few days I was on edge; I figured he was going to break up with me at any time. But we talked about it and he told me everything was fine. (Though we didn't have sex for about a month and a half after that, as he claimed he was scared about school & still afraid I'd get pregnant, although I've been on the pill for a long time.) Once he was settled in at school things were okay - he was stressed, and I was only seeing him once a week, but we made the most of it.

So during the epic struggle Saturday night I came out and asked him if he had been thinking of breaking up with me since our discussion during the summer, and he said no.

I had fully intended on not talking to him at all today. Work was tough - I must have looked like a zombie but no one mentioned anything to me. I came close to tears a few times. I did break down once I stopped at a store during lunch (but inside the car, thankfully). He wasn't online all day so I figured I'd be alright. But he left me an IM saying he hoped I felt better today. Then a few minutes later he started asking how I was. It almost sounds to me like he's a disinterested third party, trying to coach me!!

Anyway, he said he was very upset this morning. I didn't mention my crying episode, but I did tell him I was still a bit upset myself. He called me by the pet name he made up for me. Sigh. And he said I have to get my beauty sleep. Arrrrgh. I need to start going online under a different name.

I don't want to play games, so to speak, but I do want to make him realize that he misses me.

Thanks again for reading.

Hi FALLEN:

I don't know your bf so it would be hard to give any really good advice, besides telling you to take time away for yourself - without hoping that this will lead him back to you.

IMHO, it seems as tho this split was well thought out on his part, just by the way you cannot concentrate and he seems to be getting on okay. From my own experience, unless it was a 2 month fling or something, we've both seen the breakup coming...or we talk about it at length before one of us can actually do it.

What exactly does "I cannot see myself marrying you" mean? Is there something more he is looking for? I don't think he has his eyes on another girl or anything - but I am guessing he is sorta wondering what else is out there...

How does he know you aren't the one, if you're the only one? Seems like 3.5 yrs. went by, and he needs to calm his doubts before another 3.5 years go by. It's hard, I know that. I remember loving my bf SO much, and having him act like this too. Be strong! I am glad he is not pulling you and pushing you away. You shuld probably just not have any contact for awhile, and try to get through the next couple days. After that, you will be fine.

Take care! Babybear

I really feel for you. Your story is uncannily like mine - he wanted constant contact, said he couldn't bear to get through the aftermath without me (what?) and initiated it because he didn't know if he loved me enough to see his future with me (he is 37 though)

Without giving you too much hope, I did some serious work on myself (not tenaciously hanging onto the relationship) and kept in tentative contact with him, whilst having a period of nc first. By the time we started engaging on a friendly level, I had changed 100% (about a month) and was actually beginning to feel much more ambivalent about whether it was what I really wanted.

This has scared him and he is persuing me with ardour again. I am not naive enough to think that he won't probably do it again, but the results of completely overhauling myself, my self-image and my attitude are remarkable. He has even said to me that my new attitude is 100% more attractive. You can't fake it though, and you need time to process your thoughts, so have some time alone and good luck. I don't even know if you want him back, I am just theorising about him, as he sounds so similar to my ex/ current boyfriend (he referred to himself as my boyfriend again for the first time yesterday!)

You sound really articulate and together, so you will be absolutely fine.

Maybe he is wondering what is out there. Like me, my ex doesn't have a ton of dating experience. He was dumped about a year or so before he met me by a girl he'd dated for...hmmm I'm not 100% sure, but I want to guess perhaps a year and a half or two years. Other than that, he hasn't had any "serious" relationships. My only other "serious" (if you could even CALL it that!) relationship lasted a month, but believe me when I say I've been burned before. Though this is obviously an entirely different kind of burn...

While I was getting ready for work this morning I listened to a song I kept hearing over and over in my head "that" night. I started to get upset & more than anything I wanted to hear the sound of his voice. Against my better judgment, I called his cell phone. Since it was early I was hoping his phone would be off; at least I'd get to hear his voice (well, voicemail), but I wouldn't have to talk to him & he wouldn't know I called. Of course he answered. I told him I'd slept fine (I really did!) but had just gotten upset again. I said I felt empty, like he had taken away my reason to be happy. I was able to get dressed, put one foot in front of the other, and so forth, but it lacked meaning. Again he told me this would get easier, and that he was so sorry to put me in this position because he didn't want to hurt me or see me cry. After we hung up I told myself NOT to call him again, but I didn't want to totally beat myself up - I felt as though I had called him to get the impulse out of my system.

(I should mention he has told me more than once to call him whenever I feel like it. He's really harping on this notion of "helping me get through this.")

We talked on IM twice while I was at work. He again said I shouldn't forget he's feeling the same things I am. That's odd...if he was feeling EXACTLY the same way I was, I wouldn't be posting this!! He told me he thinks about me constantly and hopes I feel better soon. Again I get this impression like he's trying to coach/help me through this...and his words still suggest (at least to me!) I'm trying to beat an illness, not a broken heart.

While part of me wants to stay in contact with him, I know doing so would be the worst thing for me right now. He does want to remain friends, and I agreed, but I told him I would need some time.

It's really amazing how spilling all this out helps me feel a little less burdened. Granted, when I wrote in my journal last night, I almost started to cry but I think it was due to seeing the words on paper & trying to let it all sink in (again). I can't thank you guys enough for all of your encouraging words.