Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[lolablue17]

No, they distanced themselves after they caught her cheating and had the proof...

 

Understood.

 

If he is so determined, He probably has a 100% evidence. He seems to know what he is doing.

 

OP - I admire your inner compass and mental spine.

[No Limit]

An abortion??? So not only was she cheating, but having unprotected sex too! sounds like she is a real Einstein too!

 

Well she couldn't have just said "honey I'm pregnant" when he wasn't around; she didn't want to be discovered you know.

 

As for the friends who take her side - screw them. Chances are those "besties" of hers knew but intended to be silent about it - how fortunate that rats leave sinking ships on their own instead of you having to weed them out. And yes, I think those 3 friends wanted to inform you once you were back so you could focus on your job - plus your ex would likely have much better chances at manipulating you via phone than face-to-face (which she only attempted once anyway, what a clown!).

[RobbieA]

Understood.

 

If he is so determined, He probably has a 100% evidence. He seems to know what he is doing.

 

OP - I admire your inner compass and mental spine.

 

I just hope and keep my true north at this point. Her friends did not hack into her Facebook, they took screen shots of conversations they all had. I got those.

[66Charger]

Facts are facts and you are just going to have to grind this one out. Accept it happenned. Accept that you made the wrong choice in a partner and correct it with as little thought as possible. She is simply not worthy.

As far as the posters who say you shouldnt inform the other spouse, Go back a few weeks. Give those posters the 3 freinds email address and have them advise the 3 people with a conscience not to tell you.

Huh?

These are the kind of people who will not investigate a scream because "they dont want to get involved" Unfortunately, when there is cheating ALL 4 parties are involved wether they want to be or not.

That being said, if you decide to inform (if there is a OMW,) do it out of decency, not malice

 

One day down, one more to go.. Soon the nightmare will become a dream. Soon the dream will become a memory. Soon the memory will be forgotten.

[davidromero43]

 

I noticed some of our mutual friends have defriended me on FB. I wonder if it's because they don't want to get involved, or she has spun this story to make it look like she is the victim.

 

I wouldn't worry about facebook. Real friends and facebook friends are not the same thing. Some people get stressed over drama and do not know you can just unfollow someone. So screw em if they unfriend you.

[happyman64]

You dodged a bullet Robbie. Probably more than one.

 

 

Now get to the VA. Get the help you need and let your family and close friends support you for a change.

 

 

Life will get back to normal in good time.

 

 

Thanks for your service.

[merrmeade]

[About the ever so subtle thread-hijacking: Can we NOT politicize and just keep the discussion on Robbie's progress? Who cares if you're pro-choice, anti-abortion or use deodorant? I'm (one of those) and really do NOT want to have feel defensive for the fiance or myself. This about him and his situation — now.]

 

btw, you're a class act, Robbie. You handle everything like a gentleman and a soldier and will be proud of yourself later for this. It's important to have no regrets so that nothing clings on to the PTSD.

 

And speaking of PTSD — like Satu said a few pages back, you don't have to go with the first therapist you meet. Monitor how you feel while there. Is the person a good fit for you? Getting the right amount of feedback and feel like you're being heard? Do you feel understood (certainly not judged) and your values respected? And it's okay to realize it's not going to work after 2 or 3 sessions. The therapist will (should) understand and validate your feelings.

 

Because of the things you're doing to protect yourself and move forward, I think you're doing great and will be better than ever in a few months.

Edited May 26, 2015 by merrmeade

[Chi townD]

Dude, the one thing that is telling to me is that once she found out that you knew, she would have parked her ass right outside your door to talk to her if these friends made it all up.

 

 

Forget the constant calls and text messages, she would have camped out in front of your place for a face to face to hash this out and prove to you that what they told you isn't true. I mean, this is her wedding day and if she didn't do anything wrong, she would go to the very gates of hell to prove to you, it wasn't true and she was innocent.

 

 

I guess she doesn't think that a face to face is that important. Or maybe she can't face you?

Edited May 26, 2015 by Chi townD

[RobbieA]

I wish I can respond to each and everyone of you, you all are great. I cannot thank you enough for the insight you have provided me, and the kind words.

 

So, her father called me today, from work so I did not recognize the phone number. It seems my Facebook and Twitter posting spread quickly. We spoke for an hour, we always got along, and he is former military.

 

After telling him everything, he began to cry. Yes I do feel bad, because he is a good man and he is not responsible for the actions of his adult daughter. I explained to him what I explained to everyone on here, that nothing can change my feelings and the fact that I won't tolerate being treated like that as I am better then being someones second option.

 

When I told him about the cheating, he was upset, when hit him with the abortion, he didn't know what to say other then he understands where I am coming from.

 

I saw an opportunity, and I asked him if he can assist me in getting the ring back. I am not trying to be vindictive, but I think her father knowing the truth and the fact that he is asking her to give the ring back will resonate in her mind harshly.

 

If all goes well, I should have it by tomorrow, if not, then legal action is next.

[Satu]

You handled that very well.

 

Your decency and good character shows at every step.

 

One day at a time.

[eric1]

Infidelity doesn't just ruin your life, it ruins lives over everyone around you.

 

In some ways what happened to her dad is worse. This guy has spent his entire life providing for his daughter, bringing her up the best he and his wife knew how and for him to be faced with the reality that none of this resulted in what could be considered a good human being must be completely ****ing devastating.

 

Robbie, this isn't to minimize what's happening to you. You're getting raked over the coals and the pain is obviously deep. But you know what? One day you'll wake up and realize that you haven't thought about her in a few days, then it'll become a few weeks, then she'll turn into a foggy memory.

 

Her dad on the other hand is always going to live with this. He sounds like a standup guy. It will take him awhile to reconcile that no matter what a parent does, at some point children grow on their own and in directions that you have no control over.

[Morro72]

Not that it's much consolation, but you will heal a lot faster than her father will.

[RobbieA]

I did not mean to hurt her father, he initiated contact first. He wanted to know what happened and I am not one to sugar coat things, so I told him the truth, not to ruin his life or ruin her life, but man to man I felt he should know why the wedding he helped pay for is canceled. I tried to be as decent as possible.

 

I am not sure he would of like the vague answer of "It's not working out", I thought he deserved to know the truth.

[Satu]

I did not mean to hurt her father, he initiated contact first. He wanted to know what happened and I am not one to sugar coat things, so I told him the truth, not to ruin his life or ruin her life, but man to man I felt he should know why the wedding he helped pay for is canceled. I tried to be as decent as possible.

 

I am not sure he would of like the vague answer of "It's not working out", I thought he deserved to know the truth.

 

He had to know. It would have been disrespectful not to have told him the facts.

[Chi townD]

I wonder what lies his daughter is going to try and spin on him or if she'll give up and come clean to him.

[sandylee1]

I did not mean to hurt her father, he initiated contact first. He wanted to know what happened and I am not one to sugar coat things, so I told him the truth, not to ruin his life or ruin her life, but man to man I felt he should know why the wedding he helped pay for is canceled. I tried to be as decent as possible.

 

I am not sure he would of like the vague answer of "It's not working out", I thought he deserved to know the truth.

 

You absolutely did the right thing in telling him the whole truth. If only everyone realised that actions have consequences, they might think twice. SHE hurt her dad NOT you. The shame is hers to bear.

[merrmeade]

Of course, it's not cruel to be honest. And I'll tell you from experience, YOU do not heal if you are blamed or victimized (again) because someone doesn't understand and judges you.

 

I said from the beginning that I would decide how much to say according to the person and the question but WH's reputation? Not a criterion. Unfortunately no one asked.

[lolablue17]

I wonder what lies his daughter is going to try and spin on him or if she'll give up and come clean to him.

 

I'm like you. If i were in the OP's shoes I'd be very interested in those details. But I like better his practical effective approach. He is drawing an X on the past, looking forward, and at the same time he admits being hurt and has an open mind for taking care of himself. Very admirable.

[understand50]

I did not mean to hurt her father, he initiated contact first. He wanted to know what happened and I am not one to sugar coat things, so I told him the truth, not to ruin his life or ruin her life, but man to man I felt he should know why the wedding he helped pay for is canceled. I tried to be as decent as possible.

 

I am not sure he would of like the vague answer of "It's not working out", I thought he deserved to know the truth.

 

Sometimes, one has to speak the truth. You did the honorable thing, with your candor with him. In reading this, you have handle this the same way I hope my sons would do so, in similar circumstances. Unfortunately, her actions have led to pain and hurt, not only for yourself but to her family as well.

 

As a father, I would be mortified if my daughter did the same thing. I am sure, that he will be talking to her, as a loving father, about his disappointment in her. This may be her worst punishment, besides losing your love and trust. She has lost her reputation with her friends and family, hopefully her own self esteem, and caused pain in many who have loved her.

 

Sorry for your loss and pain, and hope your path forward leads you to find the love of a woman who is worthy of you and you her. Please keep in mind, there are women who have honor, and will keep your trust. Do not let this, and her, lead you to a life with out the companionship of a good woman.

 

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[RobbieA]

In my opinion, hearing her excuses would do me no good. If there was any doubt in my mind that her friends were not being truthful, then I would consider hearing her side of story, but being faced with hard truths, tangible evidence, I do not wish to hear the sound of her voice, ever again.

 

The one thing that hurts the most is the fact that we spoke often about being parents. We picked out baby names. Wanting a family. I don't know if this is being chauvenistic or not, but there is something primal about impregnating a woman, especially one you love.

 

Being that she was already impregnated by someone other then me, I feel a little bit emasculated, and I rarely question my manhood.

[Clay]

I know you can't see this now but you are very lucky you found this out now. I was married to my xW for ten years and it was filled with lies and betrayal. I stayed because of the kids. The last time I caught her I was done. I threw her out and kept the kids. I also had custody of my two older daughters from a previous relationship. She did nothing but destroy my kids hearts when she did all these things. Your better off to not have kids with a woman like this.

 

Take your time and get back on your feet. There are plenty of great women out there that don't cheat and want the dream you offer.

 

Clay

[Chi townD]

In my opinion, hearing her excuses would do me no good. If there was any doubt in my mind that her friends were not being truthful, then I would consider hearing her side of story, but being faced with hard truths, tangible evidence, I do not wish to hear the sound of her voice, ever again.

 

The one thing that hurts the most is the fact that we spoke often about being parents. We picked out baby names. Wanting a family. I don't know if this is being chauvenistic or not, but there is something primal about impregnating a woman, especially one you love.

 

Being that she was already impregnated by someone other then me, I feel a little bit emasculated, and I rarely question my manhood.

 

 

 

Dude, that wasn't your fault and is in no way a hit to your manhood. She made a choice to cheat, you had nothing to do with that. She was stupid, and made some bad choices that got her burnt. Sad part is, she ended a life to hide it from you. I know it's a woman's right to do what she wants to her body. But, if you play with fire you're gonna get burned. Now, she's lost you, she lost her baby, she lost her friends and now the respect of her family.

 

 

She might have to take inventory of her life again. Think about if her choices were actually worth it. Move away and start fresh somewhere else.

[Darren Steez]

In a while you'll be sitting somewhere with a beverage of choice looking up at the stars and thanking god you didn't marry this woman.

 

Even when you finally do have that face to face, and she throws everything at you. The tears, the remorse, playing to your heart, lowering herself (and this is the kicker) appearing to display extreme vulnerabilty, all the stuff that will make you want to scoop her up and just hold her to comfort her (the greatest jedi mind trick!) just remember..

 

It was a year!

 

A year of lying, a year of free will to conciously go and bang this dude repeatedly, and if you had been stationed away longer it would have been longer.

 

Keep that in mind because inevitably the words you'll hear are, it was a mistake and I don't know why I did it (while she was taking down your pictures from her booth, pursuing him and banging him for a year)

 

p.s If she actually said the reason why she did it was because she thought he was hot and she wanted to, I'd actually give her a prize... but they rarely say that though do they?

Edited May 26, 2015 by Darren Steez

[whichwayisup]

So today I am going to stop at the VA to see what I can do about speaking to someone, I have many friends who I served with who went that route with PTSD issues.

 

My ex figured out how to text me from a computer, I just kept clicking delete. I have to call my cell phone carrier and block that as well.

 

Someone asked why it took so long for her friends to tell me. First off, these three friends are now distanced from her, that friendship has sailed. The only thing I can think of is that they didn't know the whole year she was cheating and found out recently, or they wanted to wait until I was stateside to tell me and not deployed overseas. Being overseas away from family friends is tough to begin with, maybe they did not want to add more pressure.

 

Trying to fall asleep last night, all I could do is think. This is pretty black and white. She cheated, she got pregnant, therefore she betrayed me, that has consequences. I am not the bad guy by any means.

 

I noticed some of our mutual friends have defriended me on FB. I wonder if it's because they don't want to get involved, or she has spun this story to make it look like she is the victim.

 

How the F can she make herself be the victim in all this? She bonked another guy, cheated and had an affair on you and got pregnant by another man. NONE of it is your fault. She's living in a fantasy land if she thinks she's the victim. How pathetic.

[RobbieA]

Well, I found the reason why the friends actually told me. It appears my ex slept with a guy one of the friends was dating (we were not together), and the friend forgave her.

 

This compelled her to let me know when she first suspected and found out about the boss at my ex's work.

 

My ex and these three women were all very close, well not anymore. And as one poster pointed out, it was done because "I am a great guy" and "No one would want me to marry someone who violated your relationship".

 

I am in shock, you think you really know someone but you don't. Who knows, maybe she cheated on me other times as well. Doesn't matter now, what is done is done.