unknown249 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/527788-fwb-boyfriend-does-he-love-me#post6310406 This was my previous post about the same guy. Since this time we have got better and more stronger than ever. We even discussed moving in somewhere in between my and his location-to-be so we could be together. He constantly told me when I left his house in the evenings that he will miss me lots, and we have spent practically every day together. This was until three days ago... I picked him up from work and he was out an hour later than he told me. He said he offered to work overtime but he didn't let me know, so I was outside waiting for an hour. This annoyed me but I shunned it off as best as I could. Secondly we got back to his and after eating all he wanted to do was sleep. I was fed up and got my belongings and left. He asked me what was wrong and I wasn't really sure; all that had been playing on my mind was the fact he hadn't outright told me how he felt. It was all still up in the air. He was promising me all these things and making all these elusive plans with me and I still had no idea where I stood. So I told him that. He couldn't respond, he said he didn't know what to say. I said I wanted to feel more secure, knowing we would potentially be doing long distance I needed to know it was worth holding out for, before I get more invested. To which he STILL couldn't tell me how he felt. Since then it has been very small talk. I surrendered and said I wanted us to continue as we were but he said "I don't know, it feels like a lot of goalpost changing" - what does that even mean?! I suggested space and time apart but he said he just doesn't know what we are supposed to be planning or aiming for. I simply replied with "nothing right now, that feels like we are putting too much pressure on. All I know is I can see you in my future and surely that is enough of a reason to try". He didn't even reply to that. I normally stay at his all weekend but this hasn't happened. It normally takes about half hour to reply to text and currently he is taking about 6 hours. He is massively stepping back and I have no idea why. His actions and his words completely do not match and I feel so hurt and lead on. I don't know what to do now.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 I think he just doesn't feel the same way you do, unfortunately. I'm not sure how his actions and words aren't matching when he hasn't actually told you how he feels right now or whether he sees a future with you. His pull-back does line up with the uncertainty in his words, in my opinion. As for his comment about goalpost-changing - I think the dynamic and seriousness of the relationship has changed and he's not comfortable with it. You need to stand firm and definitely don't go chasing after him. He's not currently telling you how he feels because he knows it isn't the same as you. Give him a bit of space and re-address this after a little cooling off period. But listen with open ears and in a non-confrontational way. Be prepared to hear whatever he has to say, good or bad.
chelsey Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 are you really mad that he was tired after a long day of work? i think you're upset because you skipped the courting phase since you went from FWB to bf/gf. TALK TO HIM. storming out while he's asleep was kind of a dick move, you should apologize for that. he's been making his feelings clearer to you but you aren't responding or reciprocating, he's giving you the space and opportunity to respond. maybe talk some time to figure out what you actually want from him and then tell him. the relationship needs some input from your side too. talk and figure out what you are, it becomes a relief to be on the same page.
Author unknown249 Posted May 23, 2015 Author Posted May 23, 2015 I wasn't really annoyed at the work thing, I think everything just built up and I guess I got annoyed irrationally :/ I have tried to talk to him, lots, about it the last couple days. But he seems to brush it off whenever I do or just not reply to the text so I leave it and give him some space.
chelsey Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 it would be a good idea for you both to take some time to reflect. then after a few days if he has not gotten ahold of you let him know that it was quite a bit for you to wrap your head around since things didn't go as you expected, then suggest hanging out in some way that you used to. i think you both need the opportunity to be honest and vulnerable with each other. maybe go out and have a few drinks to help you talk! the next time you see him might make or break you guys if it becomes awkward, so make sure you see each other in a way you can be at ease and have fun. i do still suggest apologizing for leaving and taking your things. he's withdrawn because than sent the signal that you weren't as into it as him, you guys need to talk about what was going through your head to make you do that. it's ok to admit you're also confused about where you guys are going and that it makes you emotional. my best advice is to enjoy the ride and not worry so much about where it is going.
Redhead14 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/527788-fwb-boyfriend-does-he-love-me#post6310406 "This was my previous post about the same guy. Since this time we have got better and more stronger than ever. We even discussed moving in somewhere in between my and his location-to-be so we could be together. He constantly told me when I left his house in the evenings that he will miss me lots, and we have spent practically every day together. This was until three days ago... I picked him up from work and he was out an hour later than he told me. He said he offered to work overtime but he didn't let me know, so I was outside waiting for an hour. This annoyed me but I shunned it off as best as I could. Secondly we got back to his and after eating all he wanted to do was sleep. I was fed up and got my belongings and left. He asked me what was wrong and I wasn't really sure; all that had been playing on my mind was the fact he hadn't outright told me how he felt. It was all still up in the air. He was promising me all these things and making all these elusive plans with me and I still had no idea where I stood. So I told him that. He couldn't respond, he said he didn't know what to say. I said I wanted to feel more secure, knowing we would potentially be doing long distance I needed to know it was worth holding out for, before I get more invested. To which he STILL couldn't tell me how he felt. Since then it has been very small talk. I surrendered and said I wanted us to continue as we were but he said "I don't know, it feels like a lot of goalpost changing" - what does that even mean?! I suggested space and time apart but he said he just doesn't know what we are supposed to be planning or aiming for. I simply replied with "nothing right now, that feels like we are putting too much pressure on. All I know is I can see you in my future and surely that is enough of a reason to try". He didn't even reply to that. I normally stay at his all weekend but this hasn't happened. It normally takes about half hour to reply to text and currently he is taking about 6 hours. He is massively stepping back and I have no idea why. His actions and his words completely do not match and I feel so hurt and lead on. I don't know what to do now. "This was my previous post about the same guy" -- same guy, same stuff. He's hasn't done a 180, he is still at zero degrees. In addition, he's still feeling pressured. Sure, he's been seeing you for a long time, no matter what, he's probably got some attachment, even maybe loves you, not in love, he's not all in and not likely to be either. He asked for a 1 year hiatus in your previous post. This is typical male response to pressure and uncertainty. You would be wise to do as you mentioned above, give this some space. Don't reach out to him for a while. Let him reach out to you, even if it takes a few days. When he does, respond in kind and in context to his call or text. In other words, only address what he's saying. Don't mention the relationship unless he does. You take this period of "space" to evaluate your own needs and focus on yourself. Keep busy. He's not doing anything wrong. He's regrouping and focusing on himself as well. He's not leading you on, you are stringing yourself along. He's just being him, he's not some evil guy looking to rope women in and hurt them. When a woman isn't getting what she needs out of a relationship and you've addressed it with the man and he doesn't accommodate her needs or step up to the plate, it just means you two don't want the same things. That's just life. And, when a woman realizes that but still stays, she's the one hanging on and stringing things along. He's comfortable with the way things are, so why should he move on. It's your issue in the end, not his. 2
bebe23 Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Hmm...This started out as FWB. That doesn't ever begin well, sorry. You should really just do the fade out and leave him in the dust. If he wants a true relationship, the ball is in his court. Live your life and if he proves it, wonderful, and if he disappears, then next him. 1
misspond Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Hmm...This started out as FWB. That doesn't ever begin well, sorry. You should really just do the fade out and leave him in the dust. If he wants a true relationship, the ball is in his court. Live your life and if he proves it, wonderful, and if he disappears, then next him. If someone's not "all in" then they should be "out". As in "out of your life".
preraph Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 He doesn't have any long-term goals with you. He just wants to live day to day but he doesn't want to do it with someone who clearly wants commitment. And that's at least honest. When you discussed moving midway between before, did he bring up that subject or did you? He was inconsiderate for leaving you hanging while waiting for him. What with cellphones and all, there's no excuse for that. I think you're just now meeting who he really is. I think before, he may have just been telling you what he knows all women want to hear. But I could be wrong. Anyway, watch what he does, not what he says. Good luck.
Author unknown249 Posted May 23, 2015 Author Posted May 23, 2015 When you discussed moving midway between before, did he bring up that subject or did you? Thank you for all your comments. It was he who brought this up. It was always him to bring up these solutions. I was always reluctant to hear or believe them because I had concerns about his true feelings I guess
xpaperxcutx Posted May 23, 2015 Posted May 23, 2015 Sounds like the BOTH of you have communication problems. It was his fault he didn't communicate with you about working OT, but it's also your fault that you didn't let him know how his actions affected you. You did the most childish thing, which was storming out of his house at the end of the night. Girls who walk out on a guy like that often subconsciously do it thinking the guy will chase after them, or thinking it will send a strong message to the guy that they did something wrong. Unfortunately, the only message you sent to him was that you are immature. Now he feels pressure because you are backing him into a corner with all your back-and-forth of push-pulls. The thing about relationships that stem from FWBs is that you guys never establish that foundation or honeymoon phase for falling in love with each other. There is the physical attraction, and maybe for you, as a girl, you got the emotional attachment that comes with sex and oxycoxin, but for him, he's still at that stage where a relationship is relatively new (even if there's a sex, guys do not place much on sexual attachements). You need to be clear about what you want from this relationship. Don't say things like this- " I suggested space and time apart but he said he just doesn't know what we are supposed to be planning or aiming for." You obviously want a relationship with him, but you're telling him you want space? Then you said this- "I simply replied with "nothing right now, that feels like we are putting too much pressure on. All I know is I can see you in my future and surely that is enough of a reason to try" Now you're backpedaling and saying that you want space but you still see a future with him? You need to be emotionally honest with him about what exactly it is you want from him. If you want a relationship with good communications, just say it. This is why he is saying you're "goalpost changing" because you are giving him contradicting answer based off of your emotions but not what you really want to say.
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