unknown249 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Hi all, Just here again for some sound advice or opinions really. Bare with me because this may be long. I have had a strange relationship with this guy for a while now. I have known him for ten years but throughout that time our relationship/friendship has been very on and off. We began a FWB arrangement in January 2014, whilst we lived 2 hours apart. Not ideal, but I figured it would stop me falling for him. Not true. I fell hard and I fell fast; it is true when they say FWB screws you over. We had arguments and didn't speak for weeks, then he would find a way of worming back in and so the cycle continues. It really wasn't healthy for us but I was completely infatuated with him. So, the story continues. In January he moved closer to home due to moving jobs - for the time being anyway. We now live a 20 minute distance from one another which made it easier to meet up. We began spending some time together as FWB, but as time progressed we started seeing more of one another. Unintentionally, things changed; the sex became more passionate, we began holding hands with one another in public, we would open up to each other about our lives, I would meet and have dinner with his parents, etc. We began cuddling a lot more often and it was almost like every time I was due to go back home, he didn't want me to leave. The story gets more complicated when I tell you that in several months, this guy is going to be moving again. He has got a job a couple of hours away from where we are currently living. Although he has questioned taking it many times, I feel in the bottom of my heart he is going to leave. So, with that story, feelings became deeper. For both of us I know. He would never admit it, though. I tried to subtly have conversations with him about his feelings but he would either change the subject or not be very responsive. The only time I got something out of him was near the beginning of the transformation, when he expressed his concern about our closeness, revealing that he was scared it would end badly. His reluctance to reveal his feelings was frustrating but I felt it - I felt the change and I knew it was more. I told him this and he simply would say things like 'you know I care about you'. Again, the story takes a turn. It was his half-sisters wedding last weekend and he wanted to take me as a guest. I agreed to this, but felt pressured with the situation. I was concerned; how would I introduce myself? What even am I to this guy? Turns out he invited me as his girlfriend, he requested my invite from his sister as his girlfriend. Something which I didn't know I was. At the wedding; admittedly we had a bit to drink so the thoughts may have been distorted. However, it was this night that he told me he thinks he is in love with me. He told me that I saved him. I felt confused, annoyed, strange - how could he put this on me after I questioned him only a week before about his feelings for me and he couldn't express them? I told him that it wasn't fair for him to say that out of the blue and we need to talk when we are sober. We did. A couple of days later I returned the words and told him I loved him. On reflection I feel I have loved him for years, so it felt like the most natural thing I said to anybody. But he simply said "will you be annoyed if I don't say it back?" ... What? I didn't know what to say. It was humiliating but I let it go nonetheless. A few days after this he texts me. He said he was thinking about when he was going to move away. He said he kept thinking about the time he was originally two hours away when we were FWB, and we survived then. He told me he wants us to try to survive a year apart and see where we go from there. His words were 'I think I have suppressed how much I care for you and feel a bit silly as a result'. I told him he seems to keep changing his mind so we need to have this conversation when he has decided exactly what he wants. I am confused by this man. I don't know how he feels and he seems to keep changing his mind. I don't want to stay invested in this and continue to see him almost every day if I am simply a game to him. But yet it doesn't feel that way. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
SmartDude Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Perhaps there is too much subtlety in this relationship. Time to be absolutely clear and direct. If you get vague answers to questions say: "What do you mean by that?" If something does not make sense, than tell him: "That does not make sense". Be absolutely literal and direct. Spend a year apart from each other to see how it goes??? WTF does that even mean? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author unknown249 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Share Posted May 7, 2015 Thank you for your reply and for reading. I think by year apart he means long distance when he eventually moves. Though I have done long distance in the past and it ended really badly so I suppose I am sour about them. He is aware of this too. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 I think he has some uncertainty and it's too soon for him to be sure he wants to commit. But I do think he takes you seriously and he did say he thinks he loves you. He is not ready to arrange his life around you yet, but he has instead asked you to accommodate him for a year while he makes this move. He has basically stated his feelings and asked you to be there for him and hold on for now. Once he gets settled and decides if this is where he'll stay, maybe he'll then be ready to commit. I think it sounds hopeful because he is stating his intentions. He's just not settled yet and is still uncertain. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Hi all, Just here again for some sound advice or opinions really. Bare with me because this may be long. I have had a strange relationship with this guy for a while now. I have known him for ten years but throughout that time our relationship/friendship has been very on and off. We began a FWB arrangement in January 2014, whilst we lived 2 hours apart. Not ideal, but I figured it would stop me falling for him. Not true. I fell hard and I fell fast; it is true when they say FWB screws you over. We had arguments and didn't speak for weeks, then he would find a way of worming back in and so the cycle continues. It really wasn't healthy for us but I was completely infatuated with him. So, the story continues. In January he moved closer to home due to moving jobs - for the time being anyway. We now live a 20 minute distance from one another which made it easier to meet up. We began spending some time together as FWB, but as time progressed we started seeing more of one another. Unintentionally, things changed; the sex became more passionate, we began holding hands with one another in public, we would open up to each other about our lives, I would meet and have dinner with his parents, etc. We began cuddling a lot more often and it was almost like every time I was due to go back home, he didn't want me to leave. The story gets more complicated when I tell you that in several months, this guy is going to be moving again. He has got a job a couple of hours away from where we are currently living. Although he has questioned taking it many times, I feel in the bottom of my heart he is going to leave. So, with that story, feelings became deeper. For both of us I know. He would never admit it, though. I tried to subtly have conversations with him about his feelings but he would either change the subject or not be very responsive. The only time I got something out of him was near the beginning of the transformation, when he expressed his concern about our closeness, revealing that he was scared it would end badly. His reluctance to reveal his feelings was frustrating but I felt it - I felt the change and I knew it was more. I told him this and he simply would say things like 'you know I care about you'. Again, the story takes a turn. It was his half-sisters wedding last weekend and he wanted to take me as a guest. I agreed to this, but felt pressured with the situation. I was concerned; how would I introduce myself? What even am I to this guy? Turns out he invited me as his girlfriend, he requested my invite from his sister as his girlfriend. Something which I didn't know I was. At the wedding; admittedly we had a bit to drink so the thoughts may have been distorted. However, it was this night that he told me he thinks he is in love with me. He told me that I saved him. I felt confused, annoyed, strange - how could he put this on me after I questioned him only a week before about his feelings for me and he couldn't express them? I told him that it wasn't fair for him to say that out of the blue and we need to talk when we are sober. We did. A couple of days later I returned the words and told him I loved him. On reflection I feel I have loved him for years, so it felt like the most natural thing I said to anybody. But he simply said "will you be annoyed if I don't say it back?" ... What? I didn't know what to say. It was humiliating but I let it go nonetheless. A few days after this he texts me. He said he was thinking about when he was going to move away. He said he kept thinking about the time he was originally two hours away when we were FWB, and we survived then. He told me he wants us to try to survive a year apart and see where we go from there. His words were 'I think I have suppressed how much I care for you and feel a bit silly as a result'. I told him he seems to keep changing his mind so we need to have this conversation when he has decided exactly what he wants. I am confused by this man. I don't know how he feels and he seems to keep changing his mind. I don't want to stay invested in this and continue to see him almost every day if I am simply a game to him. But yet it doesn't feel that way. What do I do? Until a man makes it clear through actions that he loves you, you can assume he doesn't love you. A man who loves you would not suggest a year's hiatus. Until he demonstrates in a sincere and CONSISTENT manner that he loves you and wants to be with you, he doesn't. Wish him well and tell him you cannot wait for him for a year and that you are moving on. A man who puts you on a shelf for a year is keeping you on a really, really long string. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 how far away is this move this time? Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 OP it sounds like he generally cares about you. He put his heart on the line by telling you how he felt, and inviting you to the wedding as his girlfriend shows that he wants to be committed with you. Cut him a bit of slack, but like others said, communicate with him and define the relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Author unknown249 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Share Posted May 7, 2015 how far away is this move this time? It will be two hours distance again. Thank you all for your replies. Do you suggest I wait this out and see or bring it up in some way? Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 It will be two hours distance again. Thank you all for your replies. Do you suggest I wait this out and see or bring it up in some way? You need to have the relationship talk. Do you want a commitment, or do you want to fall back into being friends with benefits? Ask what he wants. Go from there. Be direct and honest about what you want, moving forward, and ask him to do the same. If you can both do that, it's a start. If not, then you'll have to ask yourself if you're okay with putting your life on hold for him for another year without any real commitment from him. Whatever the case, know what you want and admit to what you want when you have that conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 You should not put yourself on hold for him indefinitely. If he valued what he has with you he would make it a priority. Don't you want a relationship where your man doesn't play mind games? He has already shown his inability to settle down anywhere for too long or commit to you in any meaningful or consistent way. Apparently you don't factor into his decision making so why should you put your life on hold for him? There are plenty of other men out there who would treat you better. If you held yourself up to a high standard you would tell him that what he is offering isn't good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Oh did I miss she's being put on hold? Damn my selective reading... Lol Link to post Share on other sites
SmartDude Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Oh did I miss she's being put on hold? Damn my selective reading... Lol ...and they have known each other for 10 years. 10 years is a good chunk of time unless they met when they were both 14 or something, then it would not matter much. Link to post Share on other sites
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