Feeling so much anger

[Eighty_nine]

Nikki, I think you're convinced they're happy and great and nothing anyone says will make you think otherwise. But, I promise, things in their marriage are NOT great. they just can't be when people are living with big lies and deceptions.

[Hope Shimmers]

Nikki, if you feel like anyone is bashing you or being unnecessarily harsh - ignore them. I doubt that any of us here are perfect.

 

You don't hate or resent his W. Like the above poster said, you are convinced they are going along day to day in blissful happiness while you are struggling to get through this. It's not true - it can't be.

 

Think about how terrible it would be to be this woman, married to him, the way he acts towards her.

 

Anger is okay. But let it propel you forward, because what you are going for is indifference. Like he is a piece of the furniture (and not a hated or loved piece of furniture). It takes time.

 

You can't do anything about how he and his wife live their life BUT you can do something about how you live yours. The best revenge is to be happy and strong, so continue to work on that. You may think you need validation from men to feel strong, but I read between your lines and see strength there that you don't. You just need to tap into it and leave this mess in your rear view mirror.

[whichwayisup]

He never future faked or anything like that. But in the beginning, he's the one that expressed such deep feelings for me, using the "love" word (eye rolling), saying he's never felt this way about anyone, blah blah. Then of course, once we had sex, I got more clingy and he totally backed off. Physically and emotionally.

I guess youre right, I'm very angry that I ended up making more out of it then he did. The further he pushed me away, the harder I tried for his attention. Pathetic of me.

 

Now, I realized I was just a convenient lay for him. When he stopped working at our house, we were never physical again (no, didn't have sex in my house). And that makes me feel like complete garbage.

 

See if you were single and he did that, sure it would be upsetting but it would also show you that he is like some guys who are in it for the sex and not love. He said the right things to you, got what he wanted and then ran the other way. Some guys who do this (players) are skilled at it and do this to many women. The cat and mouse game, come here, go away etc..etc..

 

BE GLAD it's over and please, stop wasting emotions on this guy, he's so not worth it!

 

Do you think he's thinking of you so often? Probably not. Let that piss you off enough to make you want to stop completely and focus on you and your husband, the life you built with him.

[ttfn555]

Nikki, I think you're convinced they're happy and great and nothing anyone says will make you think otherwise. But, I promise, things in their marriage are NOT great. they just can't be when people are living with big lies and deceptions.

 

Nikki, I just have a question, I have been a BS, and somewhat of an OW...as a BS we had a DDay which was very necessary for us to go thru with divorce( for many reasons) but as neither of you had a Dday and you are going through your own work in repairing your marriage, do you think people can reconcile or repair their marriage with out full transparency, a dday and honesty? I'm just curious because it seems like people say that your MM can't be happy living a lie, but if you dont disclose can you? I just sometimes wonder if my xwh never disclosed could we have repaired other aspects and fully repaired our marriage?

[nikki76]

See if you were single and he did that, sure it would be upsetting but it would also show you that he is like some guys who are in it for the sex and not love. He said the right things to you, got what he wanted and then ran the other way. Some guys who do this (players) are skilled at it and do this to many women. The cat and mouse game, come here, go away etc..etc..

 

BE GLAD it's over and please, stop wasting emotions on this guy, he's so not worth it!

 

Do you think he's thinking of you so often? Probably not. Let that piss you off enough to make you want to stop completely and focus on you and your husband, the life you built with him.

 

Thank you for this. You are so right! I believe he is a skilled player and knew damn well what he was doing.

 

I'm definitely glad it's over and I highly doubt he's thinking of me at all. So you're right, I need to stop wasting any emotions on him.

[nikki76]

Nikki, I just have a question, I have been a BS, and somewhat of an OW...as a BS we had a DDay which was very necessary for us to go thru with divorce( for many reasons) but as neither of you had a Dday and you are going through your own work in repairing your marriage, do you think people can reconcile or repair their marriage with out full transparency, a dday and honesty? I'm just curious because it seems like people say that your MM can't be happy living a lie, but if you dont disclose can you? I just sometimes wonder if my xwh never disclosed could we have repaired other aspects and fully repaired our marriage?

 

This is a good question that I really don't know the answer to just yet.

I know many on here think you can't fully repair unless you disclose. I think every case is probably different. time can only tell what my case will be.

[jwi71]

All of your feelings are pretty normal. You aren't the first to hit them - nor will you be the last. And, I would imagine you will have a few more waves of this. Par for the course really - and indicative of being on a good and healthy path.

 

I may have missed it but if you are in IC bring this up there. If not, go to IC and bring this up.

 

My general sense is you are angry at yourself and him. How insightful huh? Angry at yourself (guilt) for...well, thats for you to know - or discover. The anger at him I see as pretty easy to understand:

 

1) some displaced blame towards him. (We're all human after all.)

2) jealous he is taking the easy way out whereas you are actually "Facing ugly". Again, we are all human and we all remember getting in trouble as kids and the one that gets away with it - we all hated that smug brother right (and HE usually instigate it - even worse!). Little secret - his ducking this is in NO way escaping anything. Promise. You'll end up winning this one.

3) perhaps angry it is over? Not the A per se but the validation it provides.

 

Keep going. Keep your head up. I see NOTHING here that would cause anyone any true alarm. It feesl like you are on the right path, hitting the milestones and progressing nicely.

 

Yes, A's and the recovery thereof are truly a script. A well worn path those on cannot see. You're doing fine.

[gettingstronger]

This is a good question that I really don't know the answer to just yet.

I know many on here think you can't fully repair unless you disclose. I think every case is probably different. time can only tell what my case will be.

 

 

Again, lots of growth for you here too- from no way ever, ever so don't even mention disclosure to time will tell-

 

So, although I am sorry you are hurt and angry-I actually think you are healing and growing-I can recall having fits of anger, bordering on rage and that would scare me because I am a pretty easy going person by nature-but I started to see a pattern where that feeling would give way to some sort of acceptance-

 

I don't have much anger any more- I do have sadness- I think its important to be mindful of how our anger affects our families but other than that, its a normal part of healing-

 

Stay strong and be good to you-

[nikki76]

I was going through pictures last night and ended up going through our wedding pictures. Xmm stood up in our wedding. everytime I look at our pictures I'm going to be reminded of him (although I'm sure there will be many other reminders too).

Anyway....I took all the pictures with xmm in there, drew silly things on his face and set them on fire. I felt like I was 14 again but it felt so damn good.

[DKT3]

Nikki, I just have a question, I have been a BS, and somewhat of an OW...as a BS we had a DDay which was very necessary for us to go thru with divorce( for many reasons) but as neither of you had a Dday and you are going through your own work in repairing your marriage, do you think people can reconcile or repair their marriage with out full transparency, a dday and honesty? I'm just curious because it seems like people say that your MM can't be happy living a lie, but if you dont disclose can you? I just sometimes wonder if my xwh never disclosed could we have repaired other aspects and fully repaired our marriage?

 

I think failing to disclose makes it all the more likely to happen what happened in Nikki's case that being getting in and out of the affair. I honestly believe that she is more likely still to go back into the affair, with this OM or with a new one then she is to repair her marriage.

 

Yes every situation is different, but only slightly since human behavior and reaction are pretty much fixed. What I'm saying is Nikki is far more likely to repeat the cycle then she is to break it. This comes from several factors the main one being her unsure statement of how this would have played out had OM cared about her. Meaning she would have been willing to dump her husband. Alast, that fact doesn't change because OM didn't care and therefore Nikki is still willing to dump/replace her husband. Buying time...

[whichwayisup]

I was going through pictures last night and ended up going through our wedding pictures. Xmm stood up in our wedding. everytime I look at our pictures I'm going to be reminded of him (although I'm sure there will be many other reminders too).

Anyway....I took all the pictures with xmm in there, drew silly things on his face and set them on fire. I felt like I was 14 again but it felt so damn good.

 

Won't your husband notice that and ask questions?

 

You got to figure out a way to stop letting this guy get under your skin so much!

[MuddyFootprints]

My crystal ball says the same thing, too. There is yet another affair in your future.

 

Maybe not this year, but if I had to put money on it, I'm pretty sure the odds would be in my favor.

 

At some point disclosure becomes crucial to healing.

 

I'd really like to lose money on that bet, though.

[autumnnight]

At some point disclosure becomes crucial to healing.

 

I agree with this. I also agree that it is not for strangers to determine where that point is.

 

And I have to say, she may not be disclosing the A to her husband, but at least is she IS disclosing it somewhere. The most insidious people are the people who disclose nowhere and believe themselves to still come from a place of righteousness.

 

Sometimes honesty with strangers paves the way for honesty with one's spouse.

[MuddyFootprints]

The sooner the better, though. The truth will be exposed. Who it comes from might be what saves or breaks the marriage.

[nikki76]

Well, it seems you all have the answers and know what my future holds. I guess I should be asking you what tonight's winning lottery numbers will be!!

 

DK.... I never said I would leave my husband for anyone. You are the king of putting words into my mouth.

 

I came on here to vent how good it felt and there goes every one busting my bubble. If I wanted to get let down again, I would just contact xmm again lol.

 

like I said before, only time will tell if my affair gets exposed or not. I don't see why xmm would say anything, he has just as much to lose as I do. There are no receipts to show for anything. I just got a new phone so I have no trave of communication.

 

but whatever, no need to explain to people that have the answers anyway.

[nikki76]

Won't your husband notice that and ask questions?

 

You got to figure out a way to stop letting this guy get under your skin so much!

 

I think the last time we looked at our wedding pictures was over 9 years ago. I honestly don't think he'll notice. We have 1000's of pictures .

 

Yes, you're right, I need to stop letting him get under my skin.

[Josmatjes]

You are doing great. This is your journey and only you know what steps to take in healing.

 

My H knows all about my affair and nothing has changed so who is to say you should disclose info to them. It may turn out bad or make things better. Bottom line no one knows you or your husband so you need to listen to your gut.

[MuddyFootprints]

Well, it seems you all have the answers and know what my future holds. I guess I should be asking you what tonight's winning lottery numbers will be!!

 

DK.... I never said I would leave my husband for anyone. You are the king of putting words into my mouth.

 

I came on here to vent how good it felt and there goes every one busting my bubble. If I wanted to get let down again, I would just contact xmm again lol.

 

like I said before, only time will tell if my affair gets exposed or not. I don't see why xmm would say anything, he has just as much to lose as I do. There are no receipts to show for anything. I just got a new phone so I have no trave of communication.

 

but whatever, no need to explain to people that have the answers anyway.

 

I've been there. I'm just sharing a fraction of the wisdom I have gained from my experience.

 

You never know who has access to old emails or texts and who they will want to share them with.

[nikki76]

I've been there. I'm just sharing a fraction of the wisdom I have gained from my experience.

 

You never know who has access to old emails or texts and who they will want to share them with.

 

You're right. xmm was the paranoid one that would always tell me to delete our texts. But maybe the paranoid role was just bull to make it seem like he was the good guy..

[DKT3]

You are doing great. This is your journey and only you know what steps to take in healing.

 

My H knows all about my affair and nothing has changed so who is to say you should disclose info to them. It may turn out bad or make things better. Bottom line no one knows you or your husband so you need to listen to your gut.

 

It matters, its makes a difference in the sense that he has the information and its been his decision to stay and avoid the problems. Its HIS decision in HIS life.

 

Now if things turn and you two are able to rebuild your marriage it won't be on a landmine. Nikki is building on a landmine, and at some point it will blow, and all the hard work all the progress will be gone in that moment.

[nikki76]

It matters, its makes a difference in the sense that he has the information and its been his decision to stay and avoid the problems. Its HIS decision in HIS life.

 

Now if things turn and you two are able to rebuild your marriage it won't be on a landmine. Nikki is building on a landmine, and at some point it will blow, and all the hard work all the progress will be gone in that moment.

 

That's what I don't get, whose to say it will be exposed? NOBODY knows that. I'm taking my chances that it wont.

And if it does, then I have no choice but to deal with it.

 

Call me selfish or whatever you want. doesn't matter to me.

[Hope Shimmers]

It matters, its makes a difference in the sense that he has the information and its been his decision to stay and avoid the problems. Its HIS decision in HIS life.

 

Now if things turn and you two are able to rebuild your marriage it won't be on a landmine. Nikki is building on a landmine, and at some point it will blow, and all the hard work all the progress will be gone in that moment.

 

Have to agree with this Nikki.

 

If you do rebuild with this secret, it could blow at any time. Even years down the road. It's a lot to hide and I would think it would be a lot to have to live with every day for years, potentially waiting for the other shoe to drop and for your life to self-destruct. But only you can know what you are willing to live with in terms of those risks.

[nikki76]

Have to agree with this Nikki.

 

If you do rebuild with this secret, it could blow at any time. Even years down the road. It's a lot to hide and I would think it would be a lot to have to live with every day for years, potentially waiting for the other shoe to drop and for your life to self-destruct. But only you can know what you are willing to live with in terms of those risks.

 

 

I know it can blow up anytime. But for me, id rather live in that fear, then to confess to something that may never get exposed.

 

I cannot possibly be the only one that has never confessed.

[DKT3]

That's what I don't get, whose to say it will be exposed? NOBODY knows that. I'm taking my chances that it wont.

And if it does, then I have no choice but to deal with it.

 

Call me selfish or whatever you want. doesn't matter to me.

 

Nikki, a lot of people can go through the rest of their lives living with this. In my opinion your not one of them. Right now (if your willing to admit it or not) you are holding on to the slight chance that MM will return the feelings you have for him. You are still very much involved with him mentally and emotionally. So in that sense he is still NUMBER 1. That won't always be the case. At some point those feelings will fade, and then you will be faced with true guilt. When will that happen? In four months, 6 or a year from now?

 

I know your story, you've posted your fears about confessing, and believe me I get it. However the odd that this affair will go undiscovered are slim, too close with too many moving parts and too much evidence.

[GypsumSatellite]

nikki, in your first post you mentioned that when you and your H upset each other, you are upfront with one another about it. The thing is, you also seem to avoid conflict out the wazoo. People with low self-esteem/worth are typically also conflict avoiders, not bitches in total control. Is it possible that all this anger is basically manifesting because you cannot express to your H how much your M has been unsatisfying to you for a long time?

 

For you, this A was not just about the sex. You fell in love with the emotional aspect of it, you gained your worth to a degree from the attention displayed by your OM. The anger within you right now may not be so much about the aftereffects of "MM got off scot-free" but because you are now back at square one with your anger in your marriage, you inability to have your needs met, your loss of the outlet which bolstered your esteem, and the fear that you'll never feel that again?

 

As you work through therapy, you will learn better ways of expressing your anger to your partner, to your family, to your world. You will learn how to assert yourself instead of turning away form the conflict of a relationship and being open to the inviting chaos of another. You will gather strength from seeing where your weaknesses are (you're early days yet, but trust this) and if you so choose during this process, you may find that no matter how much work you do to rebuild your M with your H - until you can be completely honest with him about yourself, you'll remain mad at him for not being the be-all, end-all in your world.

 

Because right now, your H is the fall guy. He's the second runner up who can still servuce to prop up your flagging esteem. This is pretty critical, because you're going to be expressing emotions around him (grief, anger, resentment) as a result of the end of the A and he's not going to understand why. Now, if you were him and your partner became unusually pissed off out of nowhere, wouldn't you start to get a little curious?

 

So - instead of doing what you want and asking for permission/punishment later (ie, avoiding telling him about the A), how about looking at him with respect and love and admitting what happened so he can have the kind of honesty you say you share with him?

 

You need to vent and I hope you'll continue to do so here - but I also hope you'll take onboard the things that have to change within you and within the marriage in order to feel satisfaction and wholeness. It will require honesty, it will require hard work, and it could also end in failure... but even an honest failure is better than years of sitting on a pincushion waiting to the ball to drop and feeling angry at yourself for being an OW.