petit_souris Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Do normal women disconnect for days or weeks for an issue which a man assume as simple ? I don't know about "normal" women, but I always made it a point from never going to bed upset with my husband. My mom used to do that ("disconnect") to punish dad, I think that is a form of passive-aggresive behaviour, bordering on abuse. Quite damaging. I think most people (men/women) don't do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 yes i am scattered , that's what happen when u live with bpd . she is not really a bad person in heart , she is a laszy bpd . read more about bpd , u will understand thier behavior. she is a very normal person outside home , she works as i said 9-2... and as soon as she reaches home she is a diff person ;and yes she watch 12-15 hrs continuous tv , and cooks only when we starve twice per week. Now all this is no longer important , the important thing are my kids now; i am working on a good formula, wish me luck u will no longer hear me nagging about my bpd wife , i have more imp things to do now... Phoenician, Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. From your wife's behaviors, it does sound like she has mental health issues and those can be difficult to live with. She sounds depressed since she removes herself from day to day life to do nothing except watch tv. You have said she has BPD, had she been diagnosed, is she working with a psychiatrist or therapist, does she take medications? It sounds like you are ready to move on and don't care anymore, and I don't blame you, I just wondered. My son has depression and BPD and some days he can barely make it to school. His is a severe case and I often wonder who would ever marry him. They would have to be willing to deal with his moods and lack of effort. He also has fibromyalgia which causes constant pain and fatigue. Anyways, you say you plan to leave the home. Are there kids there? You say she is abusive to them. Do you have to leave them? Could you take them with you or have her move out? I am concerned for the kids. To answer your original question, I am a lot like you. I don't make waves or speak up for myself. If my husband wanted something a certain way, I let him have that because I was easier going and wouldn't harp on something I disliked over and over. That isn't a problem for me. What makes me hate him is when he raises his voice. I do not understand shouting. He doesn't go to work and shout at people, why shout at your loved ones? He doesn't know how to communicate well. Also, like you I am responsible for most home things, he pays the major bills, but as far as taking care of the kids, it is all me. My kids both had physical or mental issues and I felt like it all fell on me. Housework as well. I work full time too so over the years I have built up resentment. He does some things but spends a lot of time playing his sports and then is too tired to do things around the house. Anyways that's what makes me hate him. Good luck with moving on. I can attest that living with someone with mental illness is not easy. Take care of you and take care of your kids. That at least you can control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I wont be able to get full custody on all kids , this will split the family ; anyway The divorce issue is not the topic of this thread . It is for me to understand better Women behavior , this is the help I need now , The question is , Do normal women disconnect for days or weeks for an issue which a man assume as simple ? Yes many of us do.I do..And my husband knows it,and i love him very much although sometimes my actions show different,talk to her...she will understand you better tell her you miss the person you married for example,that woul make my heart melt if my guy said it Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 She has a major personality disorder. She is world's apparent than the average mentally healthy woman. I am happy to hear you are physically separating though I would advise learning/reading how to live with/around a BPD. She will still be someone you will have to manage to some degree as you share kids together. Get some individual counseling now to help work through your emotions and thoughts from the marriage, any issues you have because you have been adapting to her disorder, and help get yourself in a good spot to lead your own life. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 Phoenician, Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. From your wife's behaviors, it does sound like she has mental health issues and those can be difficult to live with. She sounds depressed since she removes herself from day to day life to do nothing except watch tv. You have said she has BPD, had she been diagnosed, is she working with a psychiatrist or therapist, does she take medications? It sounds like you are ready to move on and don't care anymore, and I don't blame you, I just wondered. My son has depression and BPD and some days he can barely make it to school. His is a severe case and I often wonder who would ever marry him. They would have to be willing to deal with his moods and lack of effort. He also has fibromyalgia which causes constant pain and fatigue. Anyways, you say you plan to leave the home. Are there kids there? You say she is abusive to them. Do you have to leave them? Could you take them with you or have her move out? I am concerned for the kids. To answer your original question, I am a lot like you. I don't make waves or speak up for myself. If my husband wanted something a certain way, I let him have that because I was easier going and wouldn't harp on something I disliked over and over. That isn't a problem for me. What makes me hate him is when he raises his voice. I do not understand shouting. He doesn't go to work and shout at people, why shout at your loved ones? He doesn't know how to communicate well. Also, like you I am responsible for most home things, he pays the major bills, but as far as taking care of the kids, it is all me. My kids both had physical or mental issues and I felt like it all fell on me. Housework as well. I work full time too so over the years I have built up resentment. He does some things but spends a lot of time playing his sports and then is too tired to do things around the house. Anyways that's what makes me hate him. Good luck with moving on. I can attest that living with someone with mental illness is not easy. Take care of you and take care of your kids. That at least you can control. Thanks Babs for your warm wishes, My wife refused any kind of medication/treatment / counseling ; which made me more upset because even when approaching it from the aspect that we can go to a marriage counseller; she also refused . She is very smart , she works and have a normal professional life ;and her BPD is moderate and rages are directed only to me and kids ; at the begining I thought that the issue would be only between me and her ; I was wrong , because once the kids started to have their own personality ( 16,13,7 years ) they became subject to her rage . I am done with her , and unfortunately the dream I had 20 yrs back to buil a family is now transformed into breaking it down .... I am sorry to hear about your kid ; If you can trauin him on one thing it will help him a lot ; train him that even he rages it is normal ; but the important thing is to express his love to those who love him ... -My kids are very attached to me , as I am . I left the house last week ; visiting the kids day after day ; I have new plans now : -I am renting an appartment in same bldg , the kids are so happy about it ; they will come anytime they want , I will take care of my kids , I don't care about money , I am providing everything to them , especially my time , love and support . With this new formula , I will get the best of both worlds ,and divorce will be easier when happens ;because even if she gets custody of kids ; there is no way on earth that she will be able to enforce anything on ground , and the Lady will end up watching her best serious alone , let her have the house and everything , I don't care ;the kids has the freedom to come to me any time . I will have to handle a heavy load , but I don't care anymore except about my kids happiness and my comfort ... and I started to see the lights Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 She has a major personality disorder. She is world's apparent than the average mentally healthy woman. I am happy to hear you are physically separating though I would advise learning/reading how to live with/around a BPD. She will still be someone you will have to manage to some degree as you share kids together. Get some individual counseling now to help work through your emotions and thoughts from the marriage, any issues you have because you have been adapting to her disorder, and help get yourself in a good spot to lead your own life. Good Luck! I tried , I really tried , again , and again , and again over years and years and years . What I asked for was simple : " you can rage at me , but not at kids ." "you can rage even on simple issues , no problem " "just show me your love and be understanding when I need you " " if you rage 10 times in a day , and hug me once per week , I am fine ..." Any way all this is over now , I will go soon to IC , because frankly speaking the image of a lady now is distorted, I lost my balance ... Wish me luck , regards Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 The first week in my new appartment (Same bldg as kids) is fine . kids visited me , though they are sad because I left the house , but now they are understanding more and relaxed because they can come and visit me any time ; I insisted on that they can come any time , but they should inform their mom that they are coming .... I am visiting them too. it looks weird , because it is not a complete detach ; but I can run away ; the kids will be abused if I am not close ... Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Wow this thread took kind of a turn, I thought you were having marriage problems and you were trying to understand if your wife not having sex with you was abusive (or maybe that was the other thread but anyway) but now I find out that she is a child abuser with a personality disorder!!?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 OP - I am glad you separated and are giving yourself some space. Potentially the best thing you can do for the kids if giving them a zone that is free from the stress and emotional roller coaster. Hopefully you are looking into therapy and therapy for the kids as well to help with their adjustment. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts