To tell or not to tell

[minimariah]

I don't really want revenge. I just want the truth to come out.

 

And I can prove it if it is required. But I do really want to move on. It's just hard, you know?

 

it is hard, it's incredibly hard. but you need to move on, for YOU.

i know you want the truth to come out but that truth will hurt a lot of people & i don't think you want that. it's not up to you to let that truth out, that's not your family. it's one thing when a BS calls you & to be honest... but completely another when you reach out to the BS & tell her the truth.

 

let it go. letting go is work. you need to put work in.

[gettingstronger]

I'm terribly confused, did this happen yesterday or today and is this the same daughter? Was there something else that happened that made her call you after you moved? Do you think its the ex mm trying to manipulate you through his daughter by trying to find out where your head is? When did you speak with him last?

[GoldieLox]

I don't really want revenge. I just want the truth to come out.

 

And I can prove it if it is required. But I do really want to move on. It's just hard, you know?

 

But your actions for the past, I don't even know how many months DON'T show you want to move on. You keep inserting yourself into this however you can. Moving on is NOT telling his wife. Moving on is blocking him AND his family in every way, shape and form possible, and just leaving it all behind. Did you really move halfway across a continent for nothing? We've all been there at some point or another. We've all had trouble moving on and we've all had some understanding and sympathy towards you, some to more of a degree than others, but REALLY. You just keep bringing this on yourself. Enough is enough.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Previously, when the BS contacted you, you did as the XMM asked, and lied. From your previous posts, I got the feeling that you had conflicting feelings on now being an overt party to his lies.

 

The daughter contacted you....and you chose not to live the lies of the affair any longer. I do not see that as YOU seeking revenge or trying to exact consequences upon him.

 

What I see....is someone who wants to live in the light...and put the darkness in her rear view mirror.

 

Solo....keep on this new path that you have decided to embrace for yourself.

 

One should not HAVE to become a liar or avoid conflict because it would make it easier (?) on someone else.

[solostand]

I lied for him in the past, yes I did. His BW asked me point blank and I lied, apparently very convincingly.

 

I don't want to lie anymore. I want her to know the truth about the man she is married to.

 

Apparently a lot of people think that is wrong, but I don't. He sucked me right in, very well, by telling me terrible things about his BS. Now I realize he is a user and abuser so I don't actually care anymore. She deserves to know.

 

And if a little bit of it hurts me, so be it. Then I know it is done done done. Because he will hate me forever.

[MuddyFootprints]

Are you capable of being compassionate and factual without any defensiveness at all? Zero emotion toward him. No name calling. Are you truly willing to accept your role in this and sincerely apologize to her?

[Hope Shimmers]

I lied for him in the past, yes I did. His BW asked me point blank and I lied, apparently very convincingly.

 

I don't want to lie anymore. I want her to know the truth about the man she is married to.

 

Apparently a lot of people think that is wrong, but I don't. He sucked me right in, very well, by telling me terrible things about his BS. Now I realize he is a user and abuser so I don't actually care anymore. She deserves to know.

 

And if a little bit of it hurts me, so be it. Then I know it is done done done. Because he will hate me forever.

 

So you are doing it at least partially to force an end for you.

 

This woman already knows you and he were having an affair. She would have to be an ostrich with her head permanently buried in the sand to not have figured this out. I suspect you know that too. So, are you really doing it for HER sake?

 

I do think that now that the drama has died down and you have moved and things are quiet, and he is out of your life, you are starting to resent all of it, everything he did, and seethe a little. So you are lashing out at him and at her. That is my view.

 

You told the adult daughter who will undoubtedly tell her mom. What else will you gain by telling her again? I'm sure she will believe what her daughter tells her. She knew it anyway.

 

I just think you need to be in a neutral place before you even consider this. In the long run, you will just feel WORSE if you do this for the wrong reasons. You may get a little short-lived vindication and revenge, but then you will start wishing you had not done it.

[solostand]

Maybe you are right.

[Got it]

Solo - why dont you put together all your evidence, put a letter together detailing everything in chronological order, lay everything out and then sit on it. Put it aside and let some time pass. It will be there if you feel you need to send it but give yourself some time to distance away from this and determine why you are telling and who you are trying to help benefit.

 

I know you are sad, angry, hurt, and want to put it to bed and behind you but this may not be how you want to do things. And especially not to the daughter. Even if she asks, she isn't the one to talk to.

 

If she reaches out again, tell her you are more than happy to tell her mom whatever she wants to know but you aren't going to unless you hear from her. And she can dictate how and what she wants to learn.

 

But try and focus on you, your healing, and try and leave any desired revenge behind you. ((((()))))))

[Hope Shimmers]

Maybe you are right.

 

I think I know how you feel. I felt the same. Moved to a new place, knew basically no one, it really felt like 'the end', and way too much time to process the whole picture. And the ex-MM and his wife are living life relatively unscathed while you are left to pick up the pieces. Yeah... sucks.

 

I think what you are feeling is normal. Don't beat yourself up too much. It's just impossible to un-ring that bell if you do it, so be sure it's what you REALLY want in terms of what the result will be now and well into the future.

 

Your A was fairly dysfunctional and drama-filled, but I can't really say much there (those who live in glass houses, and all of that). But just removing yourself from it and accepting that it is over is tough and it has your mind going in all kinds of places. Just finding ways to fill your day in what feels like a substantial way is very hard, or at least it was for me, for a long time.

[solostand]

For some reason, I just feel right now that he needs to be punished for what he has done to me and her.

[bentleychic]

*So you exacted revenge, by upsetting his completely innocent and blameless daughter?

 

By what feat of mental gymnastics do you justify that to yourself?

 

If MM's W or adult sons came to me and asked me point blank what was/is going on, I would not lie to them.

 

It sounded in the original post like exMM's daughter sought her out and requested the truth. Should she have lied?

[Sub]

For some reason, I just feel right now that he needs to be punished for what he has done to me and her.

 

You can punish him by moving on. His BW will decide how to deal with him for what he's done to her and the family.

[Hope Shimmers]

For some reason, I just feel right now that he needs to be punished for what he has done to me and her.

 

I remember that feeling well (still have it) and he does deserve it.

 

But I am telling you... don't burn your own bridges. Not because you should get back into an A with him, or because there is a future (although who knows), but because you will be sorry if you cut it off that way. You can't undo that, and it's a really hard way to live with the end.

[jwi71]

You can punish him by moving on. His BW will decide how to deal with him for what he's done to her and the family.

 

No, no, no.

 

Abandon this line of thought. This gives him power and thus some measure of control and influence over her life.

 

We want to break the bonds - not give them ANY credence.

 

As HARD as this is...as UNJUST as it seems...as UNSATISFYING it sounds...

 

Walk away. No words. No lies. No truth. No thoughts. No energy. No NOTHING.

 

He is the past and there he shall stay. We shall not conjure up ghosts of yesterday to satiate revenge and anger. We, to me, need to move past and through this.

 

Its a process. Correction. Its a suck_y process.

 

Do NOT break NC. Turn your back and walk away - not to punish him but to FREE you.

[GirlStillStrong]

The truth shall set you free...

[whichwayisup]

I lied for him in the past, yes I did. His BW asked me point blank and I lied, apparently very convincingly.

 

I don't want to lie anymore. I want her to know the truth about the man she is married to.

 

Apparently a lot of people think that is wrong, but I don't. He sucked me right in, very well, by telling me terrible things about his BS. Now I realize he is a user and abuser so I don't actually care anymore. She deserves to know.

 

And if a little bit of it hurts me, so be it. Then I know it is done done done. Because he will hate me forever.

 

If you choose to tell her, own everything and don't put all the blame on him. You two were partners in crime together and you chose to continue the A with him time and time again... Apologize and answer all that she needs to know. Then, move on. Let go completely and focus on your new life and building a happier and healthier life. Cut exMM completely out of your life, no more drama or anything, let it all be in the past.

 

I truly wish that you can get past this and never look back.

[whichwayisup]

I don't get the vitriol either. It's not like I tied this guy up and forced him to have an affair with me - in fact, he was the pursuer.

 

I read all the time on the infidelity forum that BS want to know the truth. I gave a small part of the truth. Who knows what ex-MM is saying to rug sweep it all away?

 

I'm not happy it was the adult daughter who I told, but it was she who asked. She already knew anyway. How much she knew, who knows? If the BS asked me today, I would tell her the entire truth.

 

Can't turn back the clock on that but it's too bad you just didn't say to his daughter "I can't talk to you about this, it's not fair to put this on you. Please ask your mom to call me.." Adult daughter or not, she is now stuck and could be torn on whether or not to tell her mom about everything you told her.

 

Let's say his wife doesn't call you, are you willing to let it go? Leave it all behind and move on? You can't force someone to hear your truth if they aren't willing to listen or give you the time of day. You may have to make peace with this on your own....

 

Maybe she knows enough about the A and has no interest in knowing details. She's fine with how things are in her marriage. She knows 'something' was happening even though you denied it... Anyway, truly you don't know the state of their marriage, their dynamic but you do know that they have many years of marriage and a long history together, children and now a grand child. I doubt very much she'll walk away from him, just like he was never going to walk away from her.

Edited May 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[velvette]

I don't really want revenge. I just want the truth to come out.

 

And I can prove it if it is required. But I do really want to move on. It's just hard, you know?

 

I'm confused. I thought you told the daughter the truth. So, while I don't agree with getting the adult daughter in the middle, I'm sure she will be telling her mom what you told her. Why else would she be calling?

 

 

So, your side of the truth is out there. Whatever part you told his wife and now what you told his daughter. What's left to tell?

 

 

The details may or may not be relevant to his wife. If they are, then I guess you will be hearing from her. In that case, try not to let it get uncivil like with the daughter or disengage if it does.

[Poppy47]

Solo

I can't see how you would be justified in punishing this man for something you were complicit in. You knew he was married.

 

Poppy

[cocorico]

I lied for him in the past, yes I did. His BW asked me point blank and I lied, apparently very convincingly.

 

I don't want to lie anymore. I want her to know the truth about the man she is married to.

 

Apparently a lot of people think that is wrong, but I don't. He sucked me right in, very well, by telling me terrible things about his BS. Now I realize he is a user and abuser so I don't actually care anymore. She deserves to know.

 

And if a little bit of it hurts me, so be it. Then I know it is done done done. Because he will hate me forever.

 

Solo, at this point what matters is you and your recovery - not punishing him, or giving her "the truth", or anything else. You need to do what you can best live with.

 

If that's telling her, then tell. If that's wiping them from your world entirely - no contacting any of them or responding to any form of contact from any of them - then do that. They must deal with whatever, whichever, whenever, however - that's their problem and not yours. Your problem is you, and how to move on so that his lies firmly in your past, and doesn't keep dragging into your present and your future.

 

Do whatever you need to do to ensure that. And then shut the book on this forever and move on. You deserve peace now. Don't let them spoil that.

[beatcuff]

he needs to be punished for what he has done to me and her.

 

OP what he did to you i understand, as for BS that is HER choice. you are projecting what you think SHE should do.

 

MORE IMPORTANTLY you missed a win-win-win result.

 

when his daughter asked you, your response should have been "ask your dad". and if she followed up with a variation of "tell me", your response "that is something for him to tell".

 

why? you would have successfully 'stayed' out of their family business AND you now created a dilemma for AP/WS/daddy --- does he lie to his daughter. by your response it is obvious you had an A but you are putting it on him to actually saying the words. in a couple of years you will be a footnote but lying to direct question will have a lasting impact.

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't get the vitriol either. It's not like I tied this guy up and forced him to have an affair with me - in fact, he was the pursuer.

 

I read all the time on the infidelity forum that BS want to know the truth. I gave a small part of the truth. Who knows what ex-MM is saying to rug sweep it all away?

 

I'm not happy it was the adult daughter who I told, but it was she who asked. She already knew anyway. How much she knew, who knows? If the BS asked me today, I would tell her the entire truth.

The fact that she approached you and asked you is pretty much of a guarantee that she already knew. I don't make it a practice to walk up to random people and ask them totally irrelevant questions.

 

She pretty much knew the answer before she even asked.

 

I applaud you for your honesty.

[lookingforclosure]

So you are doing it at least partially to force an end for you.

 

This woman already knows you and he were having an affair. She would have to be an ostrich with her head permanently buried in the sand to not have figured this out. I suspect you know that too. So, are you really doing it for HER sake?

 

I do think that now that the drama has died down and you have moved and things are quiet, and he is out of your life, you are starting to resent all of it, everything he did, and seethe a little. So you are lashing out at him and at her. That is my view.

 

You told the adult daughter who will undoubtedly tell her mom. What else will you gain by telling her again? I'm sure she will believe what her daughter tells her. She knew it anyway.

 

I just think you need to be in a neutral place before you even consider this. In the long run, you will just feel WORSE if you do this for the wrong reasons. You may get a little short-lived vindication and revenge, but then you will start wishing you had not done it.

 

I agree with Hope...I wanted to tell so bad to get back at xMM as well

But then I knew if I did...1st my credibility had been shot with BW AND ultimately I would end up feeling guilty for deliberately hurting her.

 

Hope is right...she knows, they ALWAYS know...unless they live under a rock. They choose to deal with it in their own way, and it's not for us to interfere no matter how bad we hurt. That is the chance we took getting involved in these A's

 

Hugs...hope you feel better soon Solo

[Minnie09]

[off-topic content redacted] The daughter has contacted her and not the other way around. She did tell the truth. That's her right. I personally wouldn't reach out to them actively, but if the wife approached me, I wouldn't lie to her, either.

Edited May 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator