To bust or not to bust

[qubist]

Not sure why and for what exact purpose I'm writing this and for what purpose, guess I'm just venting. Not even sure LS folk can decipher these

maybe you are wondering why it was so easy for your friend to forgive his cheating wife and seem to be normal going to coffee shop together while you couldn't do the same thing despite the fact that your wife showed more remorse. If that's the case, I would like first of all to assure you that your friends decision was not as easy as it appears, working on a relationship after an infidelity is a huge challenge, and they are probably struggling just in a different way. Why some people do forgive and other don't? It is just a character and personality that has been shaping since birth. You didn't have it in you to immediately forgive and you shouldn't beat yourself for it. It's almost like beating yourself for not being able to run as fast as Husain Bolt. I also believe that the remorse that your wife has shown is a result of your behavior after the affair. What I noticed in many cases that we see here is that more anger and disapproval the BS shows the more remorseful the Cheating spouse would be. There are cases where the Cheater stays in the fog of the A while the BS is begging for seconds chance and at the same time there cases like yours and other member GrandFunkRailroad whose wife had a drunken ONS them confessing on her own but still could get him to consider a second chance. If any cheating spouse deserve a second chance your wife and GrandFunkRailroad's should be in the top of that list, but I also think that the reason they show that much remorse and willingness to do anything for a chance at R is the way you acted to their A and your firm disapproval to it.

 

And BTW, I got the bastard. Tick.

I hope you are not going to put yourself in any sort of trouble

[Buckeye2]

I'll try to explain it from different angle. About a month/month and a half ago a man who I know very well confined to me that his wife spent a passionate week with some sort of local celebrity while he (the man I know) was away. Once he came home she was unable to hide it and confessed down to the lowest level of details. They have instantly reconciled.

 

Maybe the husband had already had an affair himself. If he had fooled around on his wife and never told her then her affair might have provided him some needed guilt relief. He could now be a great guy by forgiving her and move on from there.

 

Also some men are turned on by hearing the details.

Edited October 2, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Clay]

Clay, forgiveness IS for YOU. So that you don't wake up angry or bitter or resentful or go to sleep the same way. I had a sh*t of a dad; he ruined a lot of things in my life. I forgave him for being raised to be a sh*t, just so I could let go and stop wringing my hands over the life I didn't get because of him. Maybe look at it as an acceptance that that person is flawed and a one-woman path of destruction and you were just unlucky enough to get caught in their path.

 

I understand what your saying but I don't wake up angry. I just simply don't care.

 

C

[SpokenFor]

Hi Zinger,

 

Sometimes trusting yourself means staying the course. Sometimes it means changing your mind. That's not inconsistent: circumstances change, people change, you change.

 

You have done a great job getting to this point -- the divorce process, the insistence on finding out the truth, working to find opportunities that can give you some space and distance to sort things out.

 

One of the things you have been certain about, at least in your postings here, is that if your wife had a physical affair it was irrevocably over. Now you are wondering if that is necessarily the way it has to be. You could not be in this good place and able to think clearly about things if you had not pursued the course you have taken, gotten the truth, followed the divorce process.

 

You need not forget to be able to forgive. You will always remember, she will always remember. She is still very attractive to you and you can choose to have a second marriage with her. You know how and why she made you happy before and it is clear that she wants the chance to do all that and more in the future.

 

That doesn't mean you need to choose to get back together. It does mean that just like you trusted yourself to be right about how to get here, you now need to trust yourself when you think there is a lot about her you love and want to have in your life.

 

Again, that's not a decision, it's just seeing things for what they are. She has definitely suffered consequences for what she did and there would be more to come but she is anxious for the chance because she knows it is worth it to be with you.

 

That must be gratifying at a deep level.

 

I'd treat it as a problem to be solved: if you want a happy second marriage with this woman, how could it happen? Trust yourself -- if you think you have a solution for that, you probably do. That could take time, lots of time, it could take separation, or it could take the two of you being far from family and other entanglements in a new place together.

[italianjob]

Reconcile or not is entirely up to you, what you feel, how you see your future, what you think you are able to live with and to get over.

 

From an objective point of view, I, frankly, disagree with posters that see your wife as especially deserving of reconciliation.

She has never admitted to anything you didn't find out on your own or had to dig out. She showed a true talent for lying and deceiving acting innocent and saying "I love you". So, no, she didn't stand out as an especially remorseful and collaborative WS, she just protected herself from the beginning of this ordeal to the very end.

 

That is the big difference from the example you cited and from GFR story. Those stories had spontaneous confessions. Yours had none, just hiding the truth until it couldn't be hidden anymore.

 

Anyway, what could make your wife reconciliation material is not objective (how she handled herself in your story) but stricly subjective and depending on you: how you see her, what you feel for her, what you feel about what she has done and whether or not you are able to rebuild your trust in her.

[drifter777]

From an objective point of view, I, frankly, disagree with posters that see your wife as especially deserving of reconciliation.

She has never admitted to anything you didn't find out on your own or had to dig out. She showed a true talent for lying and deceiving acting innocent and saying "I love you". So, no, she didn't stand out as an especially remorseful and collaborative WS, she just protected herself from the beginning of this ordeal to the very end.

 

Yes - this ^^^^ times 10.

 

And the comment about the BH's response often dictating the amount of remorse is very true. What you have done is the TRUE 180. You filed for divorce and left her flat. You showed her the consequences of her actions quickly and decisively. As the true nature of the sexual component of her affair dragged out I think you were hoping against hope that you could somehow verify that she hadn't been physical with him. When the worst was finally verified you began to truly disengage from her - something that feels so foreign to you that it is a bit scary. As the emotional distance continues to grow you might feel even more unsure because the unknown is so scary to people. But you will reach a tipping point when you can clearly see that you did the right thing and the future is bright again. I think you are almost there and you should continually remind yourself that you are both better off moving forward with your lives rather than trying to re-animate the corpse of your dead relationship.

[zinger]

Appreciate all the feedback, as expected i didn't make my point clear enough. It was not about me wanting the reconciliation. Quite the opposite, I have been reinforced in my assessment that I couldn't really do it even if I badly wanted.

 

I just imagined myself being in his (this guy ) place and couldn't understand how can be (they) do it. I don't think he has cheated. Like she was dressed probably bit too sexy for the weekday morning - I realized I would be thinking if she dressed up like this for him or is she trying to over seduce me now. If she is under dressed, I'd be thinking is this because she doesn't want to do it for me now, etc. So instead of routine morning coffee I'll have to be concentrating on not letting my anger out.

 

No, its not for me.

[zinger]

Sweet!!! Can you elaborate?

 

Shouldn't have posted this, but since i did. .. Nothing illegal, let's just say that i have learned that he is applying for a permanent job in a well established facility that would be a step up for him and managed to use whatever resources and influence i have to have this opportunity denied for him. If he got the message he knows why this happened and that this is just the beginning.

[m.snow]

Shouldn't have posted this, but since i did. .. Nothing illegal, let's just say that i have learned that he is applying for a permanent job in a well established facility that would be a step up for him and managed to use whatever resources and influence i have to have this opportunity denied for him. If he got the message he knows why this happened and that this is just the beginning.

 

oh yeah! that's how we roll.

[66Charger]

Shouldn't have posted this, but since i did. .. Nothing illegal, let's just say that i have learned that he is applying for a permanent job in a well established facility that would be a step up for him and managed to use whatever resources and influence i have to have this opportunity denied for him. If he got the message he knows why this happened and that this is just the beginning.

 

Monster. (American Military slang for nice right cross to the face)

Edited October 3, 2015 by 66Charger

[sandylee1]

Hi Zinger

 

I just caught up with the latest update here. Well done on your actions with the OMS attempt to gain employment. A big thumbs up

 

I hope you're doing well with everything else. It must be tough with the inhouse seperation, especially as she wants you back. You're a strong man indeed.

 

Keep up the good work.

Don't let this betrayal define you or your life

Always believe you will have a bright future.....Once this is over.

 

Take care of yourself.

[zinger]

Thank you very much,

 

Really appreciate your support and wisdom. Would like to clarify that we are not in the same house - I have moved out since.

 

Yet your are right, it's not easy, considering another post to illustrate what I'm dealing with.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

Hi Zinger

 

I just caught up with the latest update here. Well done on your actions with the OMS attempt to gain employment. A big thumbs up

 

I hope you're doing well with everything else. It must be tough with the inhouse seperation, especially as she wants you back. You're a strong man indeed.

 

Keep up the good work.

Don't let this betrayal define you or your life

Always believe you will have a bright future.....Once this is over.

 

Take care of yourself.

[CarrieT]

Yet your are right, it's not easy, considering another post to illustrate what I'm dealing with.

Please do.... I think of you often and wonder how you are doing.

[zinger]

Just to illustrate what I'm dealing with (God, I'm counting days till I can finally buckle my seatbelt on a plane to US). I'm trying

not to use LS as my personal journal but sometimes its hard to resist.

 

I have a lady at work (known her for years) - she is my "right hand woman" when it comes to marketing. She's a genius at this stuff

including social media and digital (which I suck at). No single error costing company $$$ in all these years. She's 35, went through

a messy divorce 1.5 years ago, I supported her wholeheartedly - e.g. getting her as much paid time as she needed, taking on part of

her responsibilities when she was not in shape, being "soft" with her - I mean I am really stern and direct with staff, I do not

hesitate to say "terrible job" instead of "well don but there is a room for improvement". You get the picture.

 

Recently she has been very concerned I'm selling the business (naturally) so we spent a lot of time (in the office) talking about the

handover (I have reassured her that she'd be one of the people I'll be trying to poach as soon as I learn the ropes at the new place).

Sorry for a wordy pre-face, I just wanted to get the context right. Everyone knows this is professional though some people (my X

inclusive) used to tease me about it from time to time.

 

As per my post above I'm living separately. Naturally I have no desire (or talent for that matter) to cook so I'm dining out daily. Couple of days ago we (coincidentally) ended up in the same restaurant and spent couple of hours (whole evening) talking.

 

Guess what - I don't know if I'm being spied on, but hell broke lose next day. My family are "harassing" me since blaming me for moving on so quickly (they were even driving to my place, for a day the driveway looked like a church parking lot at a wedding day). My X almost overdosed on tranquilisers (I mean took too many of them to function). My phone went hot from messages and voicemails (I had to go through all of them at least to get to the business ones) from my X.

 

Why can't they just leave me alone? I made it clear (during one of our last conversations) I don't mind if she (re)starts her social life nor I have a desire to know if she starts seeing someone. Why can’t they just do the same to me, didn’t I deserve at least this courtesy?

[turnera]

I'm going to guess that you have played a 'role' in your family wherein YOUR business is everyone's business. Time to put your foot down.

[Realist3]

I mean I am really stern and direct with staff, I do not

hesitate to say "terrible job" instead of "well don but there is a room for improvement". You get the picture.

 

I'm curious if this attitude was also present in the marriage?

 

 

You might be in for some attitude adjustment professionally once you get to the US.

[CarrieT]

Oy vey....

 

So your X is allowed to entertain and have an affair with an artist but you aren't allowed a single dinner with someone else AFTER you have started divorce proceedings?

 

Hunker down, my friend, your Ex's chemical dependency is her problem - not yours. Don't get mired down in her drama tactics.

 

How long until you are on a plane? BTW, if you are even in San Francisco, I'd buy you a drink; PLATONICALLY, OF COURSE!

[qubist]

they have to stop harassing you, that's unbelievable. they are treating you like a teenager whom they need to guide. put an end to this somehow

[turnera]

A simple comment the next time someone tries this: "Do you want me to stop contacting you to avoid your harassment? Cus I can..."

[zinger]

Turnera, thanks, incorrect assumption but correct conclusion. Yes, my family is like that (very authoritative ), no, it wasn't the case for me that's why I was astray for all these years, yes, there are back to their tricks, no, I'm not allowing it to happen.

 

Carrie, yes, I'll be there and I'll be bying (I assume platonic drinks involve no alcohol )

 

My plane is "not soon enough". Plan was to spend Christmas season here, but I'm considering changing that for Christmas in the States.

 

Qubist, thanks

[aliveagain]

Your divorcing, you can do whatever you want. Perhaps other man can sell his watch if he can't find employment, just a thought.

[eric1]

Zing,

 

Looks like you need to put your foot down with your family in the same way that you do your employees.

 

And the overdose thing is manipulation. If she has any issues with substance abuse then the chain of being responsible is like

1. Her family

2. Her boyfriend

3. The mailman

4. Random people walking down the street

5. Santa Claus

6. You

 

Seriously, you spent months living with her because of her mental health due to stuff that she freely chose to do. At some point you need to ignore it because it will NEVER go away unless you do.

[sandylee1]

I really don't understand your family at all. No wonder you can't wait to leave for the States. Why do they think you're obliged to not divorce or dine out with another woman.

 

Everybody needs to realise that actions have consequences, the sooner that sinks in, the better.

 

One if the worse views in a marriage, is thinking you're spouse won't divorce you no matter what. That along with the affair was your wife's downfall.

 

Do as you please with members of the opposite sex, as your not in a relationship. Your wife is realising what a mess she's made and what a good man she's lost. Added to the fact that you'll have no problem getting into a relationship.

[oldshirt]

Zing,

 

Looks like you need to put your foot down with your family in the same way that you do your employees.

 

 

I agree. you wouldn't hesitate to enforce standards of behavior and boundaries in the workplace. Why are you accepting inappropriate behavior and disrespect in your private life?

 

 

They have absolutely no right to infringe on your personal life. They have the right to disapprove of your actions on their own time. They have the right to take you off of their Christmas card list. They have the right to delete you off of their friends list on Facebook and have the right to never speak to you again.

 

 

But they have no right to impose their baggage onto you or to tell you how you should be living your life.

 

 

You have openly and legally terminated the marital relationship with your ex wife. It may take the courts a little while to catch up with all the paperwork and have the final stamp of completion, but for all moral, ethical and practical purposes, your marital relationship with your EX wife have been terminated and you are now a single man who is free to do as he pleases and she is a single woman free to do as she pleases.

 

 

They are obligated to respect that and to respect your privacy. They have no right whatsoever to impose their wishes onto you. You are completely in your right to impose and enforce your own personal boundaries.

[Friskyone4u]

Zinger,

 

I also am truly amazed at your family. Your wife has betrayed you in the worst way possible, did nothing but clam up and refuse to admit anything, and just sat there and played "victim".

 

It is crazy that they are taking her part. It would make sense if it was her family that was behaving like this.

 

You are a successful grown man and your family needs to at least stay out of vyour decisions. They should be putting her out to pasture and never wanting to see her again.