This hurt badly -- was I to blame???

May 18, 2015

Well, I think much of this is his insecurity because he kept saying that he feared this very wealthy woman would want to set me up with another millionaire and he would be left in the dust. He is extremely insecure.

I have tried very hard to prop him up and tell him great things about himself -- he is extremely arrogant and egotistical in public -- but I see through our relationship just how insecure he is...

May 18, 2015

Stress doesn't cause cancer. He's manipulating you. RUN!

May 18, 2015

Do yourself a favour and part company.

He's mentally unbalanced.

May 18, 2015

Classic manipulative/abusive behavior. It's called gaslighting.

^^^ This ^^^

He is emotionally and mentally abusing you.

May 18, 2015

Well the problem that I worry about in conjunction with this is -- I'm winding down my job and that means I have only a couple grand to my name. I have bills - and with no job, he will be paying them. He is begging me to just quit -- and let him handle it.

But, he has had a history of getting mad and if I don't come home by a certain time -- threatening that we were done. And that meant one time - him cutting my access to money.

He has since apologized. But, I had nothing. His response was - well you should have just come home and stopped working -- when you promised you would.

Anyway, now he wants to handle all the bills. He would be paying -- and he wants me to give him my bills AND all my remaining money and deposit it into his account.

I am nervous about this -- since I also live with him and I will basically give him ALL control.

He says I need to trust him -- and realize he wants me worry free and will not hurt me -- and I think his hyper sensitivity is coming from the fact that I haven't handed over my money yet.

What would you do?

What would I do? Run. He wants to control you. If he has control of all of your money, you'll have no escape, and this is how he wants it.

May 18, 2015

Sorry to hear that. But you need to break up from this guy.

May 18, 2015

Wow! He is a controlling jerk who is thinking so selfishly.

Stay and have him control all of your time/choices.

I hope you leave him and be on your own to do as YOU decide! He will make life miserable - expect more of what he's just done if you stay... It escalates...I had 23 years of that kind of manipulation and it stripped me of my soul.

Took a long time to get my stronger self back - but it was sheer freedom being away from someone controlling that way.

RUN!!!

May 18, 2015

No, he was being selfish and unreasonable, trying to control you. Bear this in mind if you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with him.

May 18, 2015

I feel so indebted to him because he voluntarily drives long distances to see me and while he gets tired and blows up every once in awhile... He has given so much to this relationship. But he has far more free time then I do.

But he hangs that over my head.

When I told him about my being scared not to have my job. He says well if we break up. You have a very expensive engagement ring to tide you over

He's just angry as soon as I got the ring ... I didn't quit working so I coyld move right in and prevent his need for more travel... Running after me.

May 18, 2015

I think what hurts the most -- is the fact that I got so upset. I really tried not to fight. He was yelling at me and saying I was disrespectful etc. and I finally lashed out -- and told him he was being unfair.

We were headed out to dinner and it was this fighting - so I told him to take me home. He said "if I take you home -- this isn't going to end well."

Essentially saying that I am hurting the relationship. So we went to eat and then when he saw me quiet he said "I can't make you happy. You are NEVER happy. You are just selfish and then what do I get in return? A ruined weekend."

The next day he said he realized I am happy "at times" but it's not consistent and it worries him that he can never make me happy. I told him that's not HIS job! I just want to have a healthy relationship.

But if I look at all upset or quiet - he will zoom in on me and demand to know what's wrong. If I tell him that he's done something to upset me - he will say "oh great, how do you make me feel about myself? Boy, now I really think you are going to leave me....obviously all I do is torture you...and make you cry. Why be with me?"

May 18, 2015

What do you plan to do to change this?

If you live with him - are you going to move as soon as possible?

May 18, 2015

Please... Break up and keep him FAR away from you!!!

May 18, 2015

He's crazy. None of what he did made any sense. He is going to be jealous and controlling and possessive and you will not have any life outside of him.

May 18, 2015

I feel so indebted to him because he voluntarily drives long distances to see me and while he gets tired and blows up every once in awhile... He has given so much to this relationship. But he has far more free time then I do.

But he hangs that over my head.

Yeah, but the appropriate response when someone gives a lot to a relationship is gratitude—not giving to them everything they demand from you. If you sincerely appreciate the way he drives long distances to you, then give back to the relationship in a way that you can contribute. It doesn't mean you're beholden to him in all the ways he desires—as other posters have pointed out, that's abusive at worst and manipulative at best.

I used to be in a very nasty codependent relationship (it wasn't romantic, it was more of a working relationship), and he would from time to time accuse me of not giving enough of myself to the project we were working on. Instead of telling him to eff-off, that I was doing enough (truly, I'd given my whole life for that project), I felt that I had to do whatever it was he wanted, that his assessment of the situation must be correct, and that I must be crazy for thinking otherwise. Sure, there were times that were very good, but the overall dynamic was one of abuse, and I stuck to it for two years.

Your intuition—that something is incorrect about this situation—is correct. Listen to it. It may be hard and you may feel bad, but try and extricate yourself from this relationship. You will only grow increasingly miserable and crazy if you carry on.

May 18, 2015

My fiancé is very, very loving toward me. He will do anything for me. But, it appears it's only when he's in control.

I am winding down my job and finally moving to be in his city. He has traveled a lot to be near me while I work out of town. He's been so giving in that way.

However, I finally got a job interview for a really good job in his city! The only time I could meet with this woman was on a Saturday because I'm STILL working my old job. She did the initial phone interview during the week and then invited me to her family's ranch on a Saturday.

She is very, very wealthy...and wanted to have me meet a couple of board members at her ranch. My fiancé was not happy that I was leaving on a Saturday because we have such little time together. He told me that he wanted me to get the job but he was worried that this woman was going to make me her pet and take me away from him -- traveling too much. But there was really very little travel involved.

Anyway, he told me to tell the woman that I would go to the ranch, but that I already had dinner plans. So, I did that -- but as the clocked ticked by... I saw he was texting me - mad that I hadn't left yet. I texted quickly that I was trying to get out and was hurrying. I ended up telling the lady I had to go -- I'm so sorry....

The interview was bizarre -- it was really a "get to know you" kind of day...and friendly...

My fiancé said that it was NOT an interview it was her "playtime" on the ranch with me ...and I should have just walked off when she didn't respect my time limit. He blew up at me that night and he told me I was very disrespectful of him and that I am selfish etc.

It was a horrible fight - and it ended with me in tears...saying "I just wanted a job to pay my bills..."

The next day he said he would try to do better etc...

But, he said ANYONE would have reacted the way he did...and I just don't know if that's true.

Is it?

No. It is not true.

He acted like a spoiled little brat who considers you to be his toy... it's rather funny how he projected "playtime" onto her when you are trying to get a job to, as you say "pay your bills". You need to understand something: he is not "giving"; he's manipulative. He gives to get and he keeps score. Please be clear on that.

She was deciding whether or not you were a good investment in her company, if you can get along with others in her company and she used a relaxed environment with her board members to ascertain if you were the right person for this job. I see nothing wrong in how she conducted this interview with you.

For you to have gotten up and told a potential employer that you were leaving because you had "more important things to do" with your boyfriend would have told her that you were there to waste her time and you were not serious about the position she was offering to you. I think it was totally wrong of you if you did tell her you had to leave... if I was her, you would not be getting the job after that.

I think that your boyfriend has given you a very clear glimpse into his true psyche and what he feels is your place in his plans for your life, which marrying him will become. It's not like this was the last time you were going to be seeing him for the next 6 years.

Yes, he is very controlling and you need to have your eyes wide open on this if you intend upon marrying him because you will be going into this marriage knowing this about him---and marriage will not make him ease up off the gas pedal. It will make him floor it and you'd better be clear in your mind that that is what you are there for because you will not be able to later on act brand new as if you don't know where this comes from. You knew going in but still went in; and you will have to live with that decision and accept his controlling behavior.

Are you down for that?

May 18, 2015

A controlling person will always make sure you feel it is your fault - they don't want to take any blame.

And he will always have you questioning yourself. That's just part of their manipulative tactics. They wouldn't possibly blame themselves.

I strongly suggest you never see him again! Loving behavior and people who truly do love you would never treat you this way.

Please do not think this is anywhere near normal, it's not.

May 19, 2015

How bad will it have to get, before you realise how abusive he is?

There's a very high likelihood that he will escalate to physical violence, to enforce his perceived ownership and control of you. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week.

Make sure you have some escape money, and a phone he doesn't know about, stashed somewhere where he won't find them.

Psychological abuse can look like:

Humiliating or embarrassing you.

Constant put-downs.

Hypercriticism.

Refusing to communicate.

Ignoring or excluding you.

Extramarital affairs.

Provocative behavior with opposite sex.

Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.

Unreasonable jealousy.

Extreme moodiness.

Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.

Saying “I love you but…”

Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”

Domination and control.

Withdrawal of affection.

Guilt trips.

Making everything your fault.

Isolating you from friends and family.

Using money to control.

Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.

Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

Source.

Take care,

Satu.

May 19, 2015

Well the problem that I worry about in conjunction with this is -- I'm winding down my job and that means I have only a couple grand to my name. I have bills - and with no job, he will be paying them. He is begging me to just quit -- and let him handle it.

But, he has had a history of getting mad and if I don't come home by a certain time -- threatening that we were done. And that meant one time - him cutting my access to money.

He has since apologized. But, I had nothing. His response was - well you should have just come home and stopped working -- when you promised you would.

Anyway, now he wants to handle all the bills. He would be paying -- and he wants me to give him my bills AND all my remaining money and deposit it into his account.

I am nervous about this -- since I also live with him and I will basically give him ALL control.

He says I need to trust him -- and realize he wants me worry free and will not hurt me -- and I think his hyper sensitivity is coming from the fact that I haven't handed over my money yet.

What would you do?

Do not hand over a dime of your money at any time!!!

I would tell my job that I've changed my mind and I wasn't moving and I would tell him the same. Let him be mad: you don't need a man that badly that you would give up your autonomy and liberty like this in exchange for the title of Mrs. This isn't the 17th century.

This isn't about trusting him: this is about you not being in a position where you are at the mercy of someone who manipulates and financially abuses you.

Nothing, and I mean ***NOTHING*** should*** ever*** get between you and your ability to pay your bills.

May 19, 2015

I feel so indebted to him because he voluntarily drives long distances to see me and while he gets tired and blows up every once in awhile... He has given so much to this relationship. But he has far more free time then I do.

But he hangs that over my head.

When I told him about my being scared not to have my job. He says well if we break up. You have a very expensive engagement ring to tide you over

He's just angry as soon as I got the ring ... I didn't quit working so I coyld move right in and prevent his need for more travel... Running after me.

You sound just like an abused woman. "He's wonderful when he isn't beating me..."

Move out, give him back his ring and quit dealing with him.

You need to check out this website and see if you do not see yourself here:

You Are Not Crazy - Listen to What Verbal Abuse Really Sounds Like.

May 19, 2015

This is a no brainer. He's controlling, and this will be a really negative experience for you if you move in with him and become financially dependent on him. In fact, I wonder if he'll threaten you or turn violent if you try to break up.

If you do go to live with him, please don't have children or animals with him. People have the right to make poor choices in their own lives, but it wouldn't be right to bring a dependent into what is sure to become a nightmare.

May 19, 2015

Tonight, we had another HUGE argument. He asked why I hadn't transferred my money. I said, well, how about I pay all my bills until I deplete my funds and then that way you don't have to worry about them --until it's all gone, and hopefully I will have a job by then.

He blew up and said it's obvious that I don't trust him -- and that he is not okay with that situation. If I want to keep my bills on my own and my money in my account -- I can always pay my own bills.....including half of all of his.

I told him that was not fair -- and that I am giving up a very good paying job to be with him -- and I don't know how long it will take for me to get a new one.

He says that he can't stand the fact that I always make him the bad guy. He said it's clear I don't trust him -- we were at dinner at he got aggravated and in front of everyone paid the check and walked out...before me.

On the car drive home he said that I can handle it all - and it's clear that the engagement is a joke. He said "I thought this ring would be the fix...you would be happy and know I love you and treat me well....but you are withdrawn and now I know why. You aren't in this relationship..."

I currently live with him -- have no existing job (it wraps up tomorrow) and he followed up this conversation with "Do you want time apart?"

I blew up and told him he had some F*ing nerve -- because I have NO job and I live with him -- and now he wants time apart???? Without giving me any help?

Now he's blowing up my text and apologizing and sayng he is not well..he's not well...he wants to hug me... etc.

I am truly a mess right now...

May 19, 2015