GoldieLox Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I always think about the backfiring theory, because I still have these revenge fantasies from time to time. Yeah, sure, I really want xMM to hurt. He always swore his wife would leave him and take his kids... but what if you go tell his wife, and she DOESN'T leave him? And they band together and just totally gang up up on you? Then you look like the crazy, bunny-boiling fOW who's out for revenge. That's part of what stops me from ever going near his wife. Plus, I don't want to do that to his kids. They're too young. My point is, just consider this from all angles before you do this. Think wisely. Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I always think about the backfiring theory, because I still have these revenge fantasies from time to time. Yeah, sure, I really want xMM to hurt. He always swore his wife would leave him and take his kids... but what if you go tell his wife, and she DOESN'T leave him? And they band together and just totally gang up up on you? Then you look like the crazy, bunny-boiling fOW who's out for revenge. That's part of what stops me from ever going near his wife. Plus, I don't want to do that to his kids. They're too young. My point is, just consider this from all angles before you do this. Think wisely. That's the irony. If you're going to tell its best if you're not vested in the outcome but if you don't care about the outcome you probably don't feel the need to tell. You're right though, you're not going to make him leave and if she kicks him out whether he begs to go back or not he won't want to be with someone who forced his hand. A relationship only works if both choose to be in it. Link to post Share on other sites
circe221 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I know it sounds cliche but I think you should be the bigger person and just walk away. He will be miserable, and that will be the best revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 You should tell her NOT out of revenge, but because she has the right to know that she is still living in a lie. Then it is her choice what to do about it. If the situation was reversed, you would want someone to tell you, and don't think you would not. He also may have another girl and may be still subjecting her to disease chances and he is still betraying his family. Forget the revenge. She MAY not care. the side effect of this thoug may be that since she SUSPECTS you, confirming it may make it much more difficult for him to try to snare you again,. Are you sure you are not telling her because you do not want to kill the last thread of contact???? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 If you expose, do it for the right reasons. He was separated when you met, but once he got back with the wife you knew the score, is that right? I think you're really angry that you allowed yourself to be sucked in and fall for his lies. Sometimes, we are mad at ourselves for being used and manipulated. Just take this experience to make you stronger and never let it happen again. Try and see it like he and his marriage are not worth your time and effort. ETA - Many BSs view these revelations as coming from a bitter OW who got dumped. They say, 'she wasn't so concerned when she was sleeping with my husband, but now she wants to tell all' 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 You should tell her NOT out of revenge, but because she has the right to know that she is still living in a lie. Then it is her choice what to do about it. If the situation was reversed, you would want someone to tell you, and don't think you would not ^^this Have some pity on that woman. Show her the traitor in her foxhole. Wouldn't you want to know? . Just do it with the right frame of mind. Then walk away and don't look back. What happens after that is not your concern. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GypsumSatellite Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 The perfect punishment is one where you forget the person so completely that the day they try to contact you again, you can honestly say "Who?". Guys like him... that's the deepest wound you can inflict. And trust that his W knows exactly what he is and lives her own hell with him... she doesn't need another eye-opener. She's there to stay. There's nothing you could say to her to make her feel like having a better man in her life. He's got her beat down by years of marriage and the weight of responsibility to her family and her kids... nope. There's no help for her through you. Living the happiest life you can is the best revenge. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 "I just want him to hurt like I am"... He can't, though. He won't be hurt like you. He'll feel loss, but his pain won't be of the same type because he wasn't mislead, strung along, made to feel less-than, had someone future-fake, etc. His loss will be far less than the pain you're experiencing. You'll expend a TON of energy that could be used towards moving on and getting over him trying to make him hurt as much as you, as deeply as you, but it will be for naught. And you'll feel even worse when you realize it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I think you're still too angry to do this with a clear mind and heart. Continue to vent here and maybe in time you'll have a clearer picture of what to do. I know I almost always regret acting in anger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Thank you. I know he will never have empathy for my feelings or what he did to me. of course that is part of the motive, I want him to feel what I feel. But I would be happy with his life being hell, like his freedom gone because his wife is watching his every move, maybe she will tell their family and friends, further embarassing him and letting people know he is not a nice or good person, maybe she will tell the kids and they will lose respect for him, maybe he will have to suffer her wrath and be reminded what a low life cheater he is everyday for the rest of his life or their marriage. I'd be good with all that. Hopefully this anger phase will pass soon because that idea is really tempting to me... I really think you should turn this around and not see yourself as a victim. He was separated when you met him but you eventually found out he was M and you decided to continue the relationship. It would be much healthier for you to realize that he didn't force you to stay in the relationship. He lied, of course, but sometimes ppl lie to get what they want. It's not right but ppl do it. It is our responsibility to look out for ourselves and not allow ppl to continue to lie and manipulate us. I believe you should tell his W. I think you should have told her when you found out that he was playing you both. Don't allow this one man to have that much power over you. He is one man in a universe full of many. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 If you expose, do it for the right reasons. He was separated when you met, but once he got back with the wife you knew the score, is that right? I think you're really angry that you allowed yourself to be sucked in and fall for his lies. Sometimes, we are mad at ourselves for being used and manipulated. Just take this experience to make you stronger and never let it happen again. Try and see it like he and his marriage are not worth your time and effort. ETA - Many BSs view these revelations as coming from a bitter OW who got dumped. They say, 'she wasn't so concerned when she was sleeping with my husband, but now she wants to tell all' He was seperated during our time together and made it seem like he wanted nothing to really do with his ex wife (that is what he referred to her as). The physical part ended for different reasons before he and his wife got back together. He was working on his marriage for over a month before he finally told me the truth, he was leading me on to think everything was ok, and investing in me emotionally. So yes I continued a hot and heavy EA with him while I thought he was still seperated. Once he told me the truth, I just started trying to pull away, which I haven't been that successful at and here I am today. Yes I am very angry at myself first and foremost because I know I was smarter than that. Once his wife sees all the promises he made me, how he made it seem he wanted nothing to do with her and just wanted her to go away in his own words...she can think I'm bitter all she wants but there will be no denying his words and she won't forget he said them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 You should tell her NOT out of revenge, but because she has the right to know that she is still living in a lie. Then it is her choice what to do about it. If the situation was reversed, you would want someone to tell you, and don't think you would not ^^this Have some pity on that woman. Show her the traitor in her foxhole. Wouldn't you want to know? . Just do it with the right frame of mind. Then walk away and don't look back. What happens after that is not your concern. No I don't have pity for her but I do have empathy. The reason I do not have pity is because you all are right, she does know her own sitaution and chooses to turn a blind eye. This man has confessed to her face that he has cheated on her, she has caught him cheating on her own as well. She still stays knowing what kind of person he is so I guess she is happy and likes it. I have empathy because like her I also thought he was someone different and even when I learned he wasn't I still couldn't leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 He was seperated during our time together and made it seem like he wanted nothing to really do with his ex wife (that is what he referred to her as). The physical part ended for different reasons before he and his wife got back together. He was working on his marriage for over a month before he finally told me the truth, he was leading me on to think everything was ok, and investing in me emotionally. So yes I continued a hot and heavy EA with him while I thought he was still seperated. Once he told me the truth, I just started trying to pull away, which I haven't been that successful at and here I am today. Yes I am very angry at myself first and foremost because I know I was smarter than that. Once his wife sees all the promises he made me, how he made it seem he wanted nothing to do with her and just wanted her to go away in his own words...she can think I'm bitter all she wants but there will be no denying his words and she won't forget he said them. Sorry he deceived you. Maybe he was confused about everything and should have stayed on his own to figure things out. It's entirely your call on exposing, but is it to hurt her or him or both? If she kicked him out and he came to you, would you have him back? If the BS was your sister, would you think she should know in this way? Once I was so angry this guy got with me when he had a GF. I dumped him as soon as I found out. My friend said I should tell his GF, but I decided it wasn't worth my time and I had nothing to gain. Some years later, I heard he got struck off as a medical practitioner. I just thought YES, serves you right you idiot. He didn't need me to have it all come crashing down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 I really think you should turn this around and not see yourself as a victim. He was separated when you met him but you eventually found out he was M and you decided to continue the relationship. It would be much healthier for you to realize that he didn't force you to stay in the relationship. He lied, of course, but sometimes ppl lie to get what they want. It's not right but ppl do it. It is our responsibility to look out for ourselves and not allow ppl to continue to lie and manipulate us. I believe you should tell his W. I think you should have told her when you found out that he was playing you both. Don't allow this one man to have that much power over you. He is one man in a universe full of many. Nope he continued to lie for over a month that he was still seperated and wanted nothing to do with his wife. He continued to led me on that I was who he wanted. When he finally told me the truth that they were working on their marriage, I started pulling back from him and here I am today. Messing around with him while he was working on his marriage (so basically with me and with his wife) was not something I was ever ok with. But thank you for the advice. You are right I should I need to accpet that I allowed myself to be lied and maniuplated. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) He was seperated during our time together and made it seem like he wanted nothing to really do with his ex wife (that is what he referred to her as). The physical part ended for different reasons before he and his wife got back together. He was working on his marriage for over a month before he finally told me the truth, he was leading me on to think everything was ok, and investing in me emotionally. So yes I continued a hot and heavy EA with him while I thought he was still seperated. Once he told me the truth, I just started trying to pull away, which I haven't been that successful at and here I am today. . Your story and those like it are the exact reason why I don't date separated men. I don't care how long they have been separated. Separated is not divorced. And while I know that there are some separated couples who will never get back together, how do I know which ones they are? I don't. And, no, I can't take their word on it and trust them. Look at where that got you? For many separation is a time of uncertainty, rather than certainty, and it's best just to avoid dating separated people altogether. Bottom line, separated is not divorced. Just like the act of marriage is symbolic, the act of divorce is symbolic too. Edited May 6, 2015 by Popsicle 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Your story and those like it are the exact reason why I don't date separated men. I don't care how long they have been separated. Separated is not divorced. And while I know that there are some separated couples who will never get back together, how do I know which ones they are? I don't. And, no, I can't take their word on it and trust them. Look at where that got you? For many separation is a time of uncertainty, rather than certainty, and it's best just to avoid dating separated people altogether. Bottom line, separated is not divorced. I made the mistake of dating a separated man last year. There was no chance of reconciliation, but I KNEW that he just wasn't ready for something real. I just knew it. But I went ahead with it anyway, only to be let down a few months into it with the expected, "Yeah, my head is all messed up, I'm not ready" speech. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 No I don't have pity for her but I do have empathy. The reason I do not have pity is because you all are right, she does know her own sitaution and chooses to turn a blind eye. This man has confessed to her face that he has cheated on her, she has caught him cheating on her own as well. She still stays knowing what kind of person he is so I guess she is happy and likes it. I have empathy because like her I also thought he was someone different and even when I learned he wasn't I still couldn't leave him alone. He was separated, he went out with you. After a while he went back to work on his marriage and dumped you. She, in effect "won", so I am a bit concerned re your motives here. Do you just want to wipe that smug smirk off her face? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 It's not that he deserves to be alone, but that she deserves someone who truly loves her. She deserves a life. People like him are survivors and they will tell everyone a sob story and spin it to their liking. I know I told you to tell her, but the truth is that she may know and chooses to turn a blind eye...it's sad... Yes she knows about his past cheating so his punishment probably won't be severe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 He was separated, he went out with you. After a while he went back to work on his marriage and dumped you. She, in effect "won", so I am a bit concerned re your motives here. Do you just want to wipe that smug smirk off her face? No because I doubt she has a smug smirk on her face. She didn't win a great man and sadly I know she knows it. She was very concerned about me, wanted to know everything about me, sent me messages, stalked my social medias. That level of jealously and insecurity leaves a sick feeling that no amount of smugness or having won can cure. I know because I've been there before and it is the worse feeling. I want to hurt HIM. I want his world turned upside down. I want his wife to give him real consquences...I have said before I know she won't leave and that is not what I want but I at least want her to give him hell for a few years about it... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I want to hurt HIM. I want his world turned upside down. I want his wife to give him real consquences...I have said before I know she won't leave and that is not what I want but I at least want her to give him hell for a few years about it... Ok, but what if she is not that strong and decides to commit suicide over those revelations you propose to tell her? Seems to me that telling her how much he betrayed her, how much he wanted her to just go away, is going to hurt her more than him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 No because I doubt she has a smug smirk on her face. She didn't win a great man and sadly I know she knows it. She was very concerned about me, wanted to know everything about me, sent me messages, stalked my social medias. That level of jealously and insecurity leaves a sick feeling that no amount of smugness or having won can cure. I know because I've been there before and it is the worse feeling. I want to hurt HIM. I want his world turned upside down. I want his wife to give him real consquences...I have said before I know she won't leave and that is not what I want but I at least want her to give him hell for a few years about it... But how would you really know if she does give him hell? She may want to kick him out, but he has every legal right to stay in the house. His stringing you along could have been a period of uncertainty, then he decided to try and make his marriage work. I don't think their marriage is a walk in the park and the pain of past betrayals is likely to still haunt her. He might have said a lot of those things to keep you happy, and may regret it now. If he's a serial cheater, he'll do it again and she'll find out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I think his wife deserves to know. However, your motives are to hurt him, and unfortunately it will be his wife hurting, again. The proof that you have is all mean and hateful things that he has said about her. I still think she deserves to know, I'm just not sure what good it does YOU. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 I think his wife deserves to know. However, your motives are to hurt him, and unfortunately it will be his wife hurting, again. The proof that you have is all mean and hateful things that he has said about her. I still think she deserves to know, I'm just not sure what good it does YOU. It's not just stuff he said about her but how he painted the sitatuion and what he led me to believe and all the promises he made me. He wasn't hateful, he never downed her as a person but he clearly stated more than once that he wanted her to just go away and get her own money so he can go on with his life. Tha's not very nice and yes it would be hurtful. She already knows he is a liar and cheat and has her own proof from the past. I'm not sure what good my info now will do her...but it isn't about her, he is who my anger is directed towards...not his wife. But sadly me exposing everything will probably hurt his wife way more than him...I need to think on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 But how would you really know if she does give him hell? She may want to kick him out, but he has every legal right to stay in the house. His stringing you along could have been a period of uncertainty, then he decided to try and make his marriage work. I don't think their marriage is a walk in the park and the pain of past betrayals is likely to still haunt her. He might have said a lot of those things to keep you happy, and may regret it now.If he's a serial cheater, he'll do it again and she'll find out. That doesn't make it better. If he was uncertain then the right thing to do would be to let me know things need to end right now so he can be alone to figure out what he wanted or whatever. What he did was lie to me that he was still seperated, that he doesn't want his wife, I am who he always wanted to be with (we dated in the past) and that all my bad feelings and vibes were just in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goodgirlgonebad15 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Your story and those like it are the exact reason why I don't date separated men. I don't care how long they have been separated. Separated is not divorced. And while I know that there are some separated couples who will never get back together, how do I know which ones they are? I don't. And, no, I can't take their word on it and trust them. Look at where that got you? For many separation is a time of uncertainty, rather than certainty, and it's best just to avoid dating separated people altogether. Bottom line, separated is not divorced. Just like the act of marriage is symbolic, the act of divorce is symbolic too. Oh yes I def learned my lesson on seperated men. I don't know where all my stupidity came in, I really believed him. He would reassure me all the time. I should have known better. It would be the little things that he shared with me that made feel like he can't be lying. Like at one point during his seperation, his wife wanted to work things out, but he told her no he was ok with how things are right now. He showed me the text convo on his phone and told me she was upset with him. I'm just shaking my head at myself for all I allowed myself to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
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