Affair revenge going way to far

[autumnnight]

No one forces anyone to do anything. If the story in the OP is true, than the WS agreed to the terms. I so dislike the idea that people are forced in to anything. So silly.

 

I agree. People are responsible for their own choices. Of course, I find a problem with the BS asking the WS to tell such a twisted lie in the first place. But like I said, I understand that many a BS would not agree.

[gettingstronger]

I don't think that being a BS causes you to be a vengeful person- I think either you are or you are not-

 

I would never dream of doing anything like some of the examples in these posts-I am just not wired like that- now on the other hand-our OW has done some pretty awful stuff to me since DDay and even now over 2 years later she is still at it-

 

In retrospect, my husband says he sees things in her relationships with others, from co-workers to neighbors, that point to a vengeful type person-

 

A trauma may amp up the desire for revenge but it probably would not make someone who by nature is not vengeful and turn them into a stark raving lunatic-

[understand50]

If the WS gets into the revenge mode, especially like the example at the start of this thread, there can be no reconciliation. Making a WH watch his wife having sex with another man, well some would see it as ruff justus, I would see it as the end of the marriage, and would not go along with it. About as far as I would go as a BS, would be letting the AP's spouse know about the A, if she was married or in a LTR. If the BS goes into fight mode and try's to wound the WS, all that does is drive the WS away, and shows why WS may have had the A in the first place. The BS loses the high ground.

 

The WS must do all they can to make amends, but for the BS to make life a living "hell"' , no it is time to leave. Reconciliation is off the table. No one can live with someone who is angry 24/7, and life is too short to try. It is a balancing act, the BS must accept, if it is happening, the WS's efforts to make amends and reconcile. They both must set aside time to try and find the love that may still be there. They should also look at any other issues in their marriage and work to fix them. The WS, must acknowledge that they have caused pain, and the other spouse is angry at them and rightly so. They must be open and honest and TALK about what happened and work to fix any issues they bring into the MIX. This is why most marriages cannot reconcile, and cheating leads to divorce. It is hard work, and maybe imposable to do by ether spouse.

 

NO ONE IN A MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP HAS A RIGHT TO ABUSE THE OTHER. You may get revenge, but you will end your marriage. Maybe that is what the BS wants, but I would not put up with it, even if I am in the wrong of having a A.

 

582

[AlwaysGrowing]

Obviously the BS is speaking from a place of pain....and lashing out.

 

It is in these times that a WS who wants to be a FWS, has to show that they have indeed changed and rewired faulting wiring.

 

To succumb to pressure, to do something that one knows goes against what they know to be right...comes at a price. Integrity, self respect, self worth. To overcome those feelings, one has to (whenever the opportunity arises), actually put into play...the work they have done. Each and every time one can do that, it strengthens those new connections to self.

 

Hopefully, someone advised the WS, that sacrificing self...will do much more harm in the long run...than any perceived injured to the OW.

[autumnnight]

Obviously the BS is speaking from a place of pain....and lashing out.

 

It is in these times that a WS who wants to be a FWS, has to show that they have indeed changed and rewired faulting wiring.

 

To succumb to pressure, to do something that one knows goes against what they know to be right...comes at a price. Integrity, self respect, self worth. To overcome those feelings, one has to (whenever the opportunity arises), actually put into play...the work they have done. Each and every time one can do that, it strengthens those new connections to self.

 

Hopefully, someone advised the WS, that sacrificing self...will do much more harm in the long run...than any perceived injured to the OW.

 

Um....really? So you believe that a WS should do whatever - no matter what it is - indefinitely? E ven if asked to lie? Even if asked to be publicly humiliated, and then be thankful for the opportunity. You really think this is the way to healthy reconciliation for all involved?

 

I have to say, based on the many posts of yours I have read, this kinda blows my mind.

[Got it]

No one seems to have asked this but why would the WS still be speaking with the AP? And why would the BS want to push them to continue contacting?

[truncated]

It's interesting to parallel the dichotomy of what is expected by some of a bs and what is excused by these same folk in a om/ow or ws.

 

In the minds of some the bs is expected to act rationally with maybe a small squeak of protest being accepted. If he or she goes much further or isn't able to control their emotions, they need therapy, are having a mental breakdown or are showing signs of what they must be like on a day to day basis.

 

Why are they held to a different standard?

 

Why aren't the ws and ow or om also expected to control their emotions and not even let the A start in the first place?

 

( please note...the situation in the op is really weird and , in my opinion, a really bad idea. I am not condoning that)

[autumnnight]

It's interesting to parallel the dichotomy of what is expected by some of a bs and what is excused by these same folk in a om/ow or ws.

 

In the minds of some the bs is expected to act rationally with maybe a small squeak of protest being accepted. If he or she goes much further or isn't able to control their emotions, they need therapy, are having a mental breakdown or are showing signs of what they must be like on a day to day basis.

 

Why are they held to a different standard?

 

Why aren't the ws and ow or om also expected to control their emotions and not even let the A start in the first place?

 

( please note...the situation in the op is really weird and , in my opinion, a really bad idea. I am not condoning that)

 

I'm trying to figure out who said a BS should be stellar and a WS/OW can get away with anything. I didn't read that post. I know all I said was that if someone has authentic reconciliation in mind, public humiliation, asking the WS to lie, being violent, etc. might not be the best move. But by all means, a BS can smash, punch, lie, publicly humiliate all they want. I just won't be respecting their actions. After all, if neglect or abuse or other things cannot be blamed for "causing" an affair (and they can't be), then certainly we aren't saying a BS gets a free pass for their choices becuase they were "caused" by the affair....correct?

[Quiet Storm]

It's interesting to parallel the dichotomy of what is expected by some of a bs and what is excused by these same folk in a om/ow or ws.

 

In the minds of some the bs is expected to act rationally with maybe a small squeak of protest being accepted. If he or she goes much further or isn't able to control their emotions, they need therapy, are having a mental breakdown or are showing signs of what they must be like on a day to day basis.

 

Why are they held to a different standard?

 

Why aren't the ws and ow or om also expected to control their emotions and not even let the A start in the first place?

 

( please note...the situation in the op is really weird and , in my opinion, a really bad idea. I am not condoning that)

 

I totally agree. OW are usually driven by their emotions, which is why they ended up in a relationship with a married guy. Many OW say, I don't want to be in affair, but justify it because of their intense feelings. An affair is often against their own values, and has the potential to break up families and hurt the kids. Yet many OW will keep going back to him because of their strong emotions, to their own detriment, even admitting that he's so very bad for them, but the feelings are so strong they can't stay away.

 

But when BS has strong feelings, and her actions are driven by her intense emotions (betrayal), many OW are first to call BW unstable and crazy.

[autumnnight]

I totally agree. OW are usually driven by their emotions, which is why they ended up in a relationship with a married guy. Many OW say, I don't want to be in affair, but justify it because of their intense feelings. An affair is often against their own values, and has the potential to break up families and hurt the kids. Yet many OW will keep going back to him because of their strong emotions, to their own detriment, even admitting that he's so very bad for them, but the feelings are so strong they can't stay away.

 

But when BS has strong feelings, and her actions are driven by her intense emotions (betrayal), many OW are first to call BW unstable and crazy.

 

Any time someone allows their strong feelings to result in poor choices, it is a bad thing. And infidelity is about as bad a thing as there is out there. As truncated correctly observed, the WS and AP allow their own emotions to run rampant with betrayal.

 

Thing is, we also believe that said AP and WS are responsible for their own actions. And they are. They are individual beings who make their own choices.

 

I assume that a BS is also an individual with the power of choice. Now, the desire to rip the WS and AP to shreds make total sense to me. I've had my share of revenge fantasies. However, IF I were to act on them, that choice would be on me.

 

I think the essential question is this: Does the WS/AP's crappy choices make it okay for the BS to make any choice they want? Are ALL people responsible for their choices, or just some?

[jen1447]

^ Yes, two wrongs don't make a right after all. I don't think anyone's denying the BS to be angry and rage as much as she wants, but condoning reckless actions isn't going to help anyone, least of all the BS.

 

Besides, the two positions are just fundamentally different. To illustrate the point, if someone's brother was murdered, would it be okay for that person to murder the murderer? Equal punishment, right? But I doubt anyone would condone that.

[MissBee]

No one seems to have asked this but why would the WS still be speaking with the AP? And why would the BS want to push them to continue contacting?

 

While I didn't ask, in my own post one of the first things I said was that if I were the BS I would not want my spouse further engaging the OW especially for the purpose of making stuff up to hurt her.

 

I imagined it was maybe a case where an NC letter is sent or something that a BS might encourage this to be in the MM's NC letter. But whatever it is, my own logic dictates I wouldn't want my spouse further engaging the person much less to tell her some sick lie which will only add fuel to the fire.

[Quiet Storm]

I agree that two wrongs don't make a right, and that BS are responsible for their actions. I just think that OW should accept that acts of revenge are a possibility when you are in a relationship with a married guy.

 

It's not right that some BS go to extremes like this, but it should be considered as a possible consequence when one decides to be an OW. An OM should consider the possibility that the husband might try to fight him or even worse. I don't think BS are justified in behaving badly or criminally, but it would be naive for OW to think she is the only one whose passion cannot be contained.

 

There are BS that call OWs parents, there are BS that try to get OW fired, there are BS that put OWs naked pics on websites, and worse. Even though it's vindictive, doesn't help their healing, and takes the BS's focus off the marriage, it happens. I'm just keeping it real...you can't sleep with another woman's husband and expect her to take it well.

 

IMO, people who feel attraction towards a married person should see the potential consequences (such as an unstable BS) as a deterrent, but emotions often drown out the logic, just like when BS finds out she's been betrayed.

[Noirek]

I agree with the fact that some people are wired for revenge and some aren't. And that comes out when you are wronged. For some the revenge never makes it past thoughts but for others their impulse control and coping skills are nonexsistent. Their acts of revenge will go from minor to the extreme of murder, or even hurting innocents who are close to the AP. It is a risk one takes when dating a married person. However, much like being careless in accepting drinks from strangers, the behaviour of the perpetrator is not excused. You do something wrong or terrible, no matter the motive, it is still wrong and terrible. While I think this example is twisted, it is rather mild but definitely only continues the hurt and lying. I have seen on other forums where the WS is encouraged to bend up and take it in the butt to save the marriage. I cannot agree with this. A BS worth fighting for is one who will understand that the WS needs to start making good and healthy descisions. And a BS worth fighting for is one who doesn't want a doormat for a spouse. So in the case of questionable demands, the WS needs to choose what is right over what the BS in order to continue personal growth.

 

I do not see couch burning as a personal act of revenge. Unless the couch was sitting in the APs home. Or the WS was strapped to it. That is apples to oranges.

[autumnnight]

It's not right that some BS go to extremes like this, but

 

If a WS or FWS uses the word but, it is said that it cancels out everything they said before that. Just sayin'

[sandylee1]

No one seems to have asked this but why would the WS still be speaking with the AP? And why would the BS want to push them to continue contacting?

 

The dday was just about one week at the time. BS was in deep shock, stressed, filled with anxiety. Basically her head was still spinning from it all. I believe her motive was to make the OW feel the pain she felt and if that meant her WH speaking to her again, then so be it.

 

 

The thing is you just don't know how anyone is going to react after a dday, so whilst I totally disagree with this, in fact it made my stomach turn, if you engage in an affair, expect the unexpected.

 

I would rather direct revenge, without bringing in a third party .

 

There have been lots of other acts of revenge, that 8 myself wouldn't do, but at least it doesn't involve anyone else. Like the woman who made flyers and posted them up in the OWs neighbourhood and on cars/around her work place saying 'did you know your neighbour ''Jane doe'/ the [insert job title and company name ] fu*** married men' watch your husband blah blah blah.

 

That made the OW loose her job. The company were not having themselves associated with that. Then there was a BW , who emailed all the parents in the class (OWS and her dd were in the same school ,telling them about the affair, that OW was a sl**/wh*** /homewrecker. The OWs dd suffered from this, with playground teasing /gossip and hated her mum.

 

Some said she the BW should have thought of the OWs dd, her response was that OW didn't think of her or her children when she had it off (not her words, just putting it mildly) with her H, so why should she care.

 

When a third party enters a marriage, anything is possible. I know the anger and venom is directed towards the AP and initially this perplexed me, but if reconciliation is your goal, then you have to drop the anger and venom towards your WS.

[sandylee1]

^ Yes, two wrongs don't make a right after all. I don't think anyone's denying the BS to be angry and rage as much as she wants, but condoning reckless actions isn't going to help anyone, least of all the BS.

 

 

She says it will help her knowing the OW is hurt and destroyed, like she has been by the affair.

 

 

 

Besides, the two positions are just fundamentally different. To illustrate the point, if someone's brother was murdered, would it be okay for that person to murder the murderer? Equal punishment, right? But I doubt anyone would condone that.

 

Jen - The key thing with your analogy, is that murder is against the law and it certainly won't help getting locked or having the death penalty if you went about revenge this way.

[Miss Clavel]

i got revenge by stepping aside. i got satisfaction by never acknowledging her, not once. not ever.

 

because to me, to acknowledge her i would have to stoop to their level and he knows how i feel about liars and thieves. which they are.

 

i'm satisfied she knows she has no place in my family, no matter how hard she tries.

 

he belongs to her, for now. and while i understand i cannot say, "i let her have him", i basically did, once he convinced me that they were "soul mates".

 

i believe that everyone deserves love, to have their soul mate, to be with "the one".

 

i moved on.

 

right after i puked.

 

so, if you divorce or stay together, the best revenge is silence.

 

with the added bonus that it will drive her crazy, knowing that in spite of the fact that you are old, ugly, fat and he can't even get it up for you, he stayed.

 

 

hahahaha

[Miss Clavel]

I believe her motive was to make the OW feel the pain she felt .

 

 

in my experience, these women feel nothing. they lack empathy. they can't imagine how anyone else feels, not the wife or the children.

 

the only place they seem to have any imagination is in bed, they imagine that sex is all it takes to create a bond.

[sandylee1]

I agree that two wrongs don't make a right, and that BS are responsible for their actions. I just think that OW should accept that acts of revenge are a possibility when you are in a relationship with a married guy.

 

It's not right that some BS go to extremes like this, but it should be considered as a possible consequence when one decides to be an OW. An OM should consider the possibility that the husband might try to fight him or even worse. I don't think BS are justified in behaving badly or criminally, but it would be naive for OW to think she is the only one whose passion cannot be contained.

 

There are BS that call OWs parents, there are BS that try to get OW fired, there are BS that put OWs naked pics on websites, and worse. Even though it's vindictive, doesn't help their healing, and takes the BS's focus off the marriage, it happens. I'm just keeping it real...you can't sleep with another woman's husband and expect her to take it well.

 

IMO, people who feel attraction towards a married person should see the potential consequences (such as an unstable BS) as a deterrent, but emotions often drown out the logic, just like when BS finds out she's been betrayed.

 

QS - Fantastic post. You make so many good points here.

[cocorico]

I agree that two wrongs don't make a right, and that BS are responsible for their actions. I just think that OW should accept that acts of revenge are a possibility when you are in a relationship with a married guy.

 

It's not right that some BS go to extremes like this, but it should be considered as a possible consequence when one decides to be an OW. An OM should consider the possibility that the husband might try to fight him or even worse. I don't think BS are justified in behaving badly or criminally, but it would be naive for OW to think she is the only one whose passion cannot be contained.

 

There are BS that call OWs parents, there are BS that try to get OW fired, there are BS that put OWs naked pics on websites, and worse. Even though it's vindictive, doesn't help their healing, and takes the BS's focus off the marriage, it happens. I'm just keeping it real...you can't sleep with another woman's husband and expect her to take it well.

 

IMO, people who feel attraction towards a married person should see the potential consequences (such as an unstable BS) as a deterrent, but emotions often drown out the logic, just like when BS finds out she's been betrayed.

 

This is true.

 

In this particular case, the revenge "fantasy" offers an interesting glimpse into the sick mind of that particular BW and may explain why the WS felt a need to seek out a more "normal" R with someone else.

[waterwoman]

I've seen this post on the other site. And IIRC the vast majority of responses were from BS who told him not to do it and that his spouse was asking too much.

 

I can totally sympathise with the desire to hurt the OW. And that little story would definitely sting I should think!

 

There is also the need to know that the WS would prove that he chooses to do anything he can to help the BS heal even if it hurts the OW - she needs him to kill dragons I guess.

 

But in the end it would simply rebound on the WS and the DD quite as much as the OW. The best thing he and she can do is simply cut contact and leave well alone.

[truncated]

I'm trying to figure out who said a BS should be stellar and a WS/OW can get away with anything. I didn't read that post. I know all I said was that if someone has authentic reconciliation in mind, public humiliation, asking the WS to lie, being violent, etc. might not be the best move. But by all means, a BS can smash, punch, lie, publicly humiliate all they want. I just won't be respecting their actions. After all, if neglect or abuse or other things cannot be blamed for "causing" an affair (and they can't be), then certainly we aren't saying a BS gets a free pass for their choices becuase they were "caused" by the affair....correct?

 

Look at the way the actions of the bs, should she or he react in a negative way to the affair are described, even in this thread. there's been hints that they are unstable, need therapy, that it indicates what they are like in their everyday life, etc.

 

comparing a reaction to a traumatic event ( finding out your spouse has cheated) is very different than a course of action taken over a period of time as a response to a state of anomie a ws feels in their a marraige. It's like comparing how a person may hit someone in self defense to someone who is angry in general walking up and hitting the first guy who ticks them off slightly.

[truncated]

This is true.

 

In this particular case, the revenge "fantasy" offers an interesting glimpse into the sick mind of that particular BW and may explain why the WS felt a need to seek out a more "normal" R with someone else.

 

 

 

And people, I give you exhibit A of what i was referring to.

 

Thanks for helping make my point.

[truncated]

I've seen this post on the other site. And IIRC the vast majority of responses were from BS who told him not to do it and that his spouse was asking too much.

 

I can totally sympathise with the desire to hurt the OW. And that little story would definitely sting I should think!

 

There is also the need to know that the WS would prove that he chooses to do anything he can to help the BS heal even if it hurts the OW - she needs him to kill dragons I guess.

 

But in the end it would simply rebound on the WS and the DD quite as much as the OW. The best thing he and she can do is simply cut contact and leave well alone.

 

 

Very true. I hope they can both reach that same conclusion.