Trying to cope, but my heart is breaking. [updated]

[Cora]

It's been almost 4 months since I last heard from him and I haven't dared to contact him since then. His last words to me was that he was having health issues and needed time to himself to heal and get through this. Told me he would contact me once he was better. He also informed me that I should do my own thing and see other people. I was speechless, but agreed to give him the space he requested.

 

I fear though that that was just his way of telling me goodbye. I wonder if he even really had health issues as he seems to be his happy self from his posts on facebook and he also seems to have a new lady friend in his life. From her posts about him on her facebook....they seem to be much more than just friends. I feel so silly and stupid as I prayed for him every single night for him to make it through these issues he was facing. In the end I'm the one looking like a fool.

 

After all that though I still care about him deeply and I can't seem to let go of him. I wished we could have at least remained friends, but I guess he did not want that either. I thought we shared so much and grew close, but I suppose that was my imagination playing tricks on me. I don't understand why it is so difficult for me to move past someone who did not have any trouble at all moving past me. I guess it's because I still have so many unanswered questions like why he couldn't have been upfront with me and told me goodbye? Why lie about his health if that was what he was doing? I'm not saying that he is lying about that...I just have this bad feeling for some reason.

 

I want so badly to just write him a letter and mail it to him. A letter telling him how I feel and how this hurts me so. How I wished he could have given me the courtesy of a goodbye as nothing hurts worse than silence and unanswered questions. But I fear if I send him that letter his new lady friend might discover it (as I think they might be living together) and I don't want to cause any trouble for them. I really do only want him to be happy and if this new lady makes him happy then I'm glad. It does not hurt me that he's moved on. It hurts me that he could leave me in this manner....no goodbye, no explanation...nothing. And if he could just leave me like that....did he ever really care about me?

 

I should be over this by now. I fully realize that. I guess my mind is just not staying busy enough. Now that I'm home recovering from surgery I have idle time on my hands and my mind tends to wonder when I have too much time to spare. I miss him dearly and am deeply saddened by the turn of events. Everywhere I go I see reminders of him. Brings the pain right back to the surface.

 

When does it start to get easier? Why am I having such a difficult time moving on from this man?

 

I know it's silly, but please don't judge me on this...I really am still hurting and not sure what to do in order to cope with this loss.

[ajnebi]

I can relate to you. I am also left without any explanation and with a thousands of unaswered questions. I wanted him to talk to me just one last time to give him the chance to explain himself, but I was just blocked.

I still can't think bad of him as I deeply love him and care for him and he was just amazing, but I wish he would talk just once so maybe maybe my pain would relief a little.

I wrote to him an last e-mail one week ago, which was actually very nice as I did not want to be harsh. I don't know if he has read it.

The worst is being left without any explanation.

 

I don't know when it will start to get easier.. I am in my third week and it's very tough. On the surface I have to put a mask on and act as if my life is perfect in front of family, friends, but deep down I am so broken, so broken and at unexpected times the broken pieces of my heart starts hurting so bad... I am trying to stay strong, but I feel I lost the few last parts of myself that I had. I feel I am left in the middle of nowhere..

 

Hope things gets better for you. Get well soon.

[K2z]

It is nothing short of maddening. I am in a very similar situation.

[Cora]

I too can't think badly of him no matter how hurt I am. I still care so deeply for him and miss him more than he will ever know. He probably doesn't think of me anymore and yet I'm stuck thinking about him every single day. The images of him playing in my head on repeat. I think of all the good times we had...all the good memories and then the pain comes flooding in as I remember how he left me.

 

I feel like I'm stuck in a place where I don't know if I should wait for him or just move on? My head tells me to move on, but my heart says wait. Logically I know he most likely isn't coming back, but not hearing him say goodbye gives me hope and yet tortures me all at the same time. All I want is for him to contact me so I can hear those words. I just want him to tell me that it's over for good. I don't even need a reason. Just a goodbye would do...anything but this. Anything but the silence, the pain, the torture and the false hope.

 

I know people say we have to create our own closure. That closure comes from within. I don't doubt that for an instant, but it's so damn hard. Why can't he just tell me goodbye so I can finally grieve the loss and move on? Perhaps he didn't tell me goodbye because he didn't want to hurt me...well, I can't imagine anything hurting more than the silence. If only he could realize that. Or maybe he doesn't even care. All I know is that I'm not moving on. I'm just stuck. Imagining myself with someone else just makes me sick. There will never be another him. I realize there is better out there, but my heart won't allow me to believe it right now if ever.

 

I'm just tired of attracting these men who leave me this way. At least the last two I was finally able to get closure from. I fear that without him giving me that same closure I won't be able to move on. I pray that he will never fall in love with a girl who will leave him in this manner. I hope he never has to go through this torture. I'd never wish this pain upon my worst enemy...ever!

[wlh22]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I can imagine it must be extremely painful and tough. Be strong. Nobody is judging you. Let your feelings come out. You really seem like a genuinely fantastic person. It is unfortunately his loss, not yours. Tell yourself that. Regarding your question, the best way ahead will be to start moving on and begin recovering. NC is a big part of it. He seems to have, unfortunately indicated to you that you should move on. I think you need to define your own timeline but keep moving on so you are not hoping for him to return. If he returns, you can decide. If he doesn't you have moved on. Works either ways! All the best and you can message me if you want to chat. Good luck

[angel.eyes]

Oh, honey bunny! I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this painful situation. It takes a while for the heart to catch up to what our minds already know.

 

You aren't a fool for praying and caring for him when he claimed he needed space because of his health. That's how any loving, sincere person would react. If anything, he's the one who should feel ashamed for weaseling out of the relationship under false pretenses rather than being honest. He could have been upfront and direct about his intentions. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose how someone breaks up with us. All we can do is recognize their intent, accept it, and start our own healing process.

 

Please don't write him a letter. It will only make things worse. With time and distance, you will feel better. Be kind to yourself in the meanwhile.

[Hell Yeah]

your heart is hurting because.....

 

you have one, your emotionally available, respectful to others, and venerable to put yourself out there to love another other than just yourself

 

can't be said or other people who don't have any of this attributes

 

hang in there and be proud of yourself for giving unconditionally

[Cora]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the advice and words of encouragement. I'm not going to send him that letter. I may still write it just to get my feelings out on paper, but I wont send it. It's been nearly 4 months of NC so why would I want to break it now. I guess I'm just going to have to find someway to live with the unanswered questions.

 

I've had all this built up inside of me and no one to talk to about it. No one knows about what happened except for my brother, but he is sick of hearing about him and I can tell he thinks I should be moved on by now. I wish I were. My parents knew about him, but never met him because our relationship was fairly new. We had only been dating for several months, but it was enough time for me to fall for him. The only thing my parents know is that he is having health issues and needs time to himself. My mother keeps asking about him though. Asking if I've heard from him or if I've contacted him to see how he is doing? Asking why don't I go to visit him to see if he is ok? She thinks I'm being harsh for not wanting to check up on him. I couldn't bear to tell her the truth. That he does not wish to see or hear from me. So I just don't talk about him around her and hope that she will stop asking. So I just come here to vent. I don't have any close friends to talk to as I'm mostly introverted and don't make friends too easily.

 

I don't know why I thought things would be different with this guy. I was hesitant at first to date him as I'm 32 and he's 42. It was the first time I had been with someone with that much of an age gap. I eventually gave in though. Thinking things would be different for the better. That he would be too mature to play games that younger people tend to play. That he would be mature enough to have a conversation to my face when things were over instead of lies and silence. He was divorced with no kids so he didn't have too much baggage...not that I'd let that bother me. I knew he was married for 7 years, but did not know any other details like how long it had been since his marriage and why it ended etc. I guess that was my fault for not asking. I was definitely curious, but never felt like it was my place and that he'd tell me when the time was right, but the time was never right and he never planned on telling me anyway. I wished I had asked him sooner because maybe just maybe what he told me or decided not to tell me could have provided me with clues as to what was to come or what I could expect. Perhaps I could have avoided some of this pain and heartache.

 

What I've learned thus far is that age doesn't matter...it's just a number and people can hurt you no matter their age. I wont make that mistake again. Anyway, talking about it helps. I appreciate being able to vent here as I think I'd go crazy if I didn't have some kind of outlet like this. It's hard having to put on a brave face in front of people since the majority of people don't know what is going on...don't even know he existed. So I just grin and bear it. It's the endless hours of the night when I'm alone with my thoughts that I really feel the pain. It's the only time when I can just cry and let it all out.

[little princess]

I too can't think badly of him no matter how hurt I am. I still care so deeply for him and miss him more than he will ever know. He probably doesn't think of me anymore and yet I'm stuck thinking about him every single day. The images of him playing in my head on repeat. I think of all the good times we had...all the good memories and then the pain comes flooding in as I remember how he left me.

 

I feel like I'm stuck in a place where I don't know if I should wait for him or just move on? My head tells me to move on, but my heart says wait. Logically I know he most likely isn't coming back, but not hearing him say goodbye gives me hope and yet tortures me all at the same time. All I want is for him to contact me so I can hear those words. I just want him to tell me that it's over for good. I don't even need a reason. Just a goodbye would do...anything but this. Anything but the silence, the pain, the torture and the false hope.

 

I know people say we have to create our own closure. That closure comes from within. I don't doubt that for an instant, but it's so damn hard. Why can't he just tell me goodbye so I can finally grieve the loss and move on? Perhaps he didn't tell me goodbye because he didn't want to hurt me...well, I can't imagine anything hurting more than the silence. If only he could realize that. Or maybe he doesn't even care. All I know is that I'm not moving on. I'm just stuck. Imagining myself with someone else just makes me sick. There will never be another him. I realize there is better out there, but my heart won't allow me to believe it right now if ever.

 

I'm just tired of attracting these men who leave me this way. At least the last two I was finally able to get closure from. I fear that without him giving me that same closure I won't be able to move on. I pray that he will never fall in love with a girl who will leave him in this manner. I hope he never has to go through this torture. I'd never wish this pain upon my worst enemy...ever!

 

Reading your posts and even reading your previous posts I was a little shocked how much our stories are related. For a few moments I thought I had written this with a few changes.

 

The same is going on with me.. all the good memories comes to my mind.. what he used to say.. how he used to say it.. the privileges he gave me.. how special he made me feel. Then the pain comes.. the way he left me and moved on in his life, but I can't seem to match the last message from him and what he did. And he did not say goodbye or anything. Just he told me to look after myself and our parents. And he does not want to talk to me, even his friend asked him to call me and he promised to write an e-mail to explain. But I am still waiting.

 

I can understand you Cora, how hard it is to move on in life when the other person has not really made anything clear. Atleast tell me that it is over and you don't need to wait for me.

Even I know he has moved on, which I hope was something he was forced to do rather than what he wanted, I still have a hope. I have a hope that he will come back some day. I don't know, it's just a feeling in my heart. I feel like I want to wait for him, because I don't want to break my promises and words. He was always in a lot of problems and I was beside him in every way I could. He was good to everyone. And my heart still refuses to believe he could do anything like that on purpose.

 

I have the same problem as you. I can't imagine myself with anyone else. It pains me to even think about another man. It's easy for everyone to tell me to move on and that you will find someone better. Sure I can find someone better, but it's not HIM! My feelings, my emotions, my love is with this one person, no other person can have his place.

After a failed first love, I was very careful to give away my heart this time. But he stole it. For first time in my life I was excited to get married, become a wife, a mother.. have kids, my family.. but these dreams only remains dreams as for now.

I just go around and think.. if he ever thinks about me.. or misses me.. or if he just forgot me? He loved me, he wanted me. I ask myself how his heart allowed him to do this to me, becuase he was a very religious and very soft hearted person.

 

I have not told anybody about this. I feel I can't tell anybody. Only I talked with his friend who tried to help me as much as he could.

You are right, that is what I said to him too.. this pain I would not wish upon the worst person in the world! What can be worse than being left in the middle fo nowhere?

 

I know everything happens for a reason and that this is the decree of Allah. I just want to know why this person did what he did.. if he had any reason or if he was helpless in this matter.. atleast he should tell me..

I don't want to go around and make assumptions when I don't have a clue..

 

If you want to talk.. you can talk with me.. I feel we share more or less a similar story..

[Cora]

Thank you little princess. I really feel your pain. It helps talking to people with similar stories. Things like this just make absolute no sense. I'd definitely be up to talking with you if you'd like.

[little princess]

Yes, you are right Cora. You can send me a private message, I would really like to talk with you

[Cora]

I know this was wrong to do, but I needed some closure and I wasn't getting it from him and I'm not going to dare break the NC even though there is so much I want to ask and tell him. It's been 4 months of NC though and I can't bear looking desperate by contacting him...especially now from what I've found out.

 

So this woman friend on his Facebook who I had suspicions about being more than friends....I looked on her Facebook page today for some answers...anything that would help or give me closure. She always posted on her page about what a great guy he is, friended his mom (which I thought was kinda odd to friend a mother of just a friend) and she takes pics of his model cars he builds since she is in the photography business...what I found odd about this was that she mentioned one day that she took a few pics of his cars while he was sleeping. Well that to me must indicate that they stay over at each others place or either are living together. She also mentioned about a month ago that she just got engaged. I didn't think anything of it until now. I'm more certain than ever that it must be him that she is engaged to. What threw me off before was that she kept referring to him as "a friend."

 

Anyway, today I go to her page to find she posted a picture of his cat saying that she is trying to find him a good home because "we are downsizing." We? So that must indicate that they are living together. Makes me kind of sad, not only that he's moved on apparently before we ever broke up, but also because I loved that cat!

 

I just can't get over how quickly their relationship progressed. He either had to of met her before he met me or at the very least while he was seeing me. Or possibly she was an ex from his past...who knows? The point is he always told me from the beginning how difficult it was for him to get close to people especially after his divorce. Well apparently he had no trouble at all getting close to her. God I just feel like I was always just a side piece of meat to him now. He obviously had no intentions of being more serious with me. I was just his play thing when he got bored. You know I've always said I could never hate him as I am not a hateful person and always chose to see the good in him. But now it's getting more difficult to control the anger I feel. Telling me how awfully ill he was...how he needed space to deal with all of his health issues...had me feeling so sorry for him. When all the while he was screwing this woman and making a life with her...a life he did not see with me, but instead of telling me this chose to tell me lies and then just disappear. That part hurts the worse, but at least now I know the truth or at least part of the truth.

 

I feel sick, but feel like I can finally start to heal now. I hate the way I found this information out. It makes me look so sleezey and like I'm some kind of stalker. I feel bad for snooping on some strange woman's page who I don't even know. I just felt like I could not let this go until I knew the truth though. I was stuck in this land of false hope that maybe just maybe he was really sick and what a horrible person I would be if I chose not to believe him and did not wait for him to get better. He told me once he got through these issues he would contact me. Ha! What an idiot I was to believe that. I guess in his mind that meant "In case this relationship doesn't work out I'll contact you (since you'll be on the back burner waiting pathetically for me) so that I can cure my boredom and get some sex until the next best thing comes along.

 

You know what though...I'm not going to be that person who is angry and resentful. I will just wish them all the best (not physically though as I am not going to contact them.) I hope they are both happy and never have to feel this pain. I on the other hand don't care to ever be in another relationship ever again. It's too much pain for me to handle. I'm 32 years old and it's time for me to just give up on the whole marriage, kids, family deal. I'm so done with wanting that crap. I will live a much happier life being single. Never again having to feel the pain of a broken heart is just fine by me.

 

Thanks for allowing me to vent...