How do I get past my wife's affair?

[gettingstronger]

I nearly got gutted for saying this on another thread, but... I have found the days I don't obsess over the situation are my best days. The ones I spebd doing for me or others are therapeutic. I guess since I love yoga, I believe the time I spend away from this stuff is time well spent. Being "present" is a gift you give yourself. Namaste.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

This is difficult. She deliberately deceived you for four years. It's pretty hard to bounce back from that. You have lingering thoughts because you haven't forgotten what she did, and you know she kept doing it because she got something out of it.

 

Good luck.

[Buckeye2]

Your reaction is totally normal. She had two husbands for four years because it was fun. That's a lot to get over. What is she doing to work on the marriage now and help you get over it?

 

When I discovered the affair I was devastated and she swore to never do it again and I admit we get along better now than we have in years.

 

No wonder. She only has one husband now. It sounds like all she has done is stop seeing the OM because he dumped her and feel guilty because her son called her a bad name. Has she done more?

Edited May 19, 2015 by Buckeye2

[aliveagain]

I have posted a couple of times on this forum, I have even taken advice and seen a counselor. Real quick, I found out about my wifes 4 year affair a year and a half ago. I have followed her, checked email and phone, and found no evidence whatsoever that she has seen the guy again or someone else. We have been getting along quite well and she has apologized and I know she feels bad about doing it. But I can't seem to shake the visuals of she and this guy together, that it went on as long as it did, the idea that she would leave for work and kiss me and the kids good bye knowing that she was going to see this moron that very day. I saw many emails and texts between my wife and this guy while the affair was going on--This was all back in 2011-2012 and there was no mention of love whatsoever between them, mostly about getting together when and where.

 

Anyway, EVERY day for at least a few minutes it creeps into my head and though I have forgiven her and I am not being naive when I say I am certain she is not doing it again, it just makes me so sad sometimes. I look at pics of her during the time the affair was going on and that makes me very sad as well. I am concerned whether or not this is unhealthy obsession on my part, or just what to do to get past it. I know I will never forget it. I love her and we have children and I do not want to get divorced. And please no more super negative advice on how she is probably a serial cheater and the marriage is a sham or whatever, I get that. I just want to get past it as best as I can--and YES we do talk about it and did counseling and got everything out in the open, maybe a lot of the problem is mine, I don't know.....

 

After posting three times since Feb. 2014 your still posting the same question. You are still having trouble getting past her infidelity after finding out from OM's fiancé almost two years ago. Should that not tell you something? Your body is rejecting what your mind is trying to convince yourself that staying with a her is the right thing to do. Your oldest son called her a slut when he learned about his mothers 4 year fu*k fest, how is your relationship with him going? Your wife would still be banging the 10 year younger OM had his fiancé not caught them. Have you told her the affair continued for another year after she caught them?The information could impact their wedding plans, she deserves to know the truth because it impacts the rest of her life.

 

Sometimes reconciliation isn't the right thing to do, sometimes kicking their a$$ out is what is needed. What's so special about a woman that would be that deceptive, 4 years man, a great number of marriages don't last that long. If you can't feel good about driving around town in a broken car, how can you feel good about being in a relationship with a broken.......you know what I mean. You're having trouble with this because 99.9 percent of the men on planet Earth would have trouble with this. If staying is what you want, you have to eat the sh*t sandwich that goes with that decision. That means learning to live with the fact that your wife is a risk to the terms of your marriage. The mind movies will never go away, over time they will be less frequent but they will show up when you least expect them.

[sandylee1]

It could be that you will never get over it. I would ask you to consider the harm this has done to your son. This affair has also betrayed him, a point that WSs never think about. I fear your son has lost respect for you and that is serious, because he's also lost respect for his mother.

 

If you can't get over it, then it seems that the affair is a dealbreaker for you. I personally don't like anyone who hurts my children, it would devastate me if the person who did that was the other parent.

[beach]

Why would you forgive? 4 years is very purposeful!

 

 

I hope you're not one of those rug sweepers that acts like it didn't happen. That doesn't solve the ill feelings you should have towards her.

 

What has she done to set things right for you? For the M?

 

Is she sorry she did it or only sorry she got caught.

 

 

In your prior thread you stated that you're afraid to divorce her...why? Making her face consequences is your best way to get her to change.

 

What consequences have happened? Has she suffered any changes or have you made it easy for her to hide what she's done?

Edited May 19, 2015 by beach

[fallingdown2013]

Why did you forgive her so quickly? Let me guess... she told you how sorry she was, she cried and cried, she promised to do MC with you, she gave you access to all her email accounts and cell phone records, she went NC with the OM, blah, blah, blah. Basically, she did everything to stop you from divorcing her because that change would cause serious discomfort in her life. She would be having the affair today if you hadn't discovered it. She obviously did it for the sex, which the emails between her and the OM revealed. She disrespected you in the worst possible way and you just forgave her because you too don't want to make hard changes in your life. So what if she loves you?! That doesn't change what she did. We judge people based on their actions, not their feelings. And stop using the children as an excuse not to divorce her. Many children have divorced parents and it sucks, but you know what, that's life.

 

If you stay with your wife, you will suffer, and if you leave your wife, you will suffer. However, only one option will allow you to keep your self-respect and dignity, which is worth a lot more than you realize now.

[fellini]

Why did you forgive her so quickly? Let me guess... she told you how sorry she was, she cried and cried, she promised to do MC with you, she gave you access to all her email accounts and cell phone records, she went NC with the OM, blah, blah, blah. Basically, she did everything to stop you from divorcing her because that change would cause serious discomfort in her life. She would be having the affair today if you hadn't discovered it. She obviously did it for the sex, which the emails between her and the OM revealed. She disrespected you in the worst possible way and you just forgave her because you too don't want to make hard changes in your life. So what if she loves you?! That doesn't change what she did. We judge people based on their actions, not their feelings. And stop using the children as an excuse not to divorce her. Many children have divorced parents and it sucks, but you know what, that's life.

 

If you stay with your wife, you will suffer, and if you leave your wife, you will suffer. However, only one option will allow you to keep your self-respect and dignity, which is worth a lot more than you realize now.

 

Yeah, so she acted like Sophie, for whom you and a hundred others supported and advised her how to handle getting her husband back, and even you said "you (sophie) didn't intend to hurt your husband".

 

So does OP's WW have to come into LS to be allowed to have the right to try to make amends?

 

Everyone was rooting for sophie's BH to come around. This OP seems to want to try. Why undermine that decision?

 

OP, these triggers and intrusions are part and parcel of the trauma of discovery. I'm two years post dday and my WW had an EA PA. I caught it a couple of months into PA. I'm not going to speculate on how long she would have continued had I not discovered.

 

what went on in that relatively short period of time was enough. I'm still here working through it because that's what I want. Good luck

Edited May 20, 2015 by fellini

[fallingdown2013]

Yeah, so she acted like Sophie, for whom you and a hundred others supported and advised her how to handle getting her husband back, and even you said "you (sophie) didn't intend to hurt your husband".

 

So does OP's WW have to come into LS to be allowed to have the right to try to make amends?

 

Everyone was rooting for sophie's BH to come around. This OP seems to want to try. Why undermine that decision?

 

OP, these triggers and intrusions are part and parcel of the trauma of discovery. I'm two years post dday and my WW had an EA PA. I caught it a couple of months into PA. I'm not going to speculate on how long she would have continued had I not discovered.

 

what went on in that relatively short period of time was enough. I'm still here working through it because that's what I want. Good luck

 

I did make that comment, which was directed to her (a WS), not a BS. She appeared to feel overwhelming guilt and despair because of her betrayal. I was hoping that the thought, "she had unintentionally hurt her husband" would be a bit easier to bear.

 

In any event, OP, you should read the Sophie2013 thread. She talked a lot about her husband and how he handled the situation. According to her, he's even dating now.

 

The mental movies that plague you may never completely go away. Sometimes you'll think they're gone, and then they'll come back with a vengeance. You've done IC, which you should continue to do, maybe with a new counselor. Perhaps you should also try meditation. Don't just try it a few times and then throw in the towel. If you do decide to try meditation, then spend some time researching it and be disciplined about practicing it every day. Meditation can help you control your thoughts.

[VeryBrokenMan]

If you stay with your wife, you will suffer, and if you leave your wife, you will suffer. However, only one option will allow you to keep your self-respect and dignity, which is worth a lot more than you realize now.

I think that type of thinking has to be re-framed. Self respect and dignity are yours to keep regardless of what option you take. Only you control how you feel about yourself and that is what self respect is.

 

OP your life and what you think of yourself is totally in your control regardless of any actions you take to stay or go. You have to choose what will make you happy and I doubt the mind movies will change for you with either course you take. You have to decide to not allow those thoughts to affect you. It's the hardest thing you will have to do but do you want to be that guy that is still wallowing in his despair months or years from now? I made that decision early on not to go there and so can you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi BDF, I went back and read your first thread that you started in Feb 2014 and I have some points that I would like to put down as follows.

 

One. Apparently your wife was and probably still is, more qualified that you professionally. She probably feels that, therefore, she is your intellectual superior. She certainly has more financial muscle than you as you have mentioned and that she resents you for that.

 

Two. She probably feels that she settled while marrying you and that she could have done better had she been more circumspect in making her choices. She therefore feels that she married below her status and so by consequence, you married above your status. This is also a cause for her to resent you.

 

Three. She had a purely physical relationship with her lover and there was no emotional attachment between the two of them. Apparently they would get together periodically to "Get their rocks off" and then return to their routine lives till the itch got to them again. There was no exchange of "I love yous'" between and she seemed quite dispassionate in her interaction with said lover.

 

Four. She was not remorseful on getting outed with her affair and she was probably sorry that she had been caught because it meant that her source of fun was, for the moment, shut down. She was definitely not concerned with what effect her infidelity had on you and for reasons outlined above, she was not very concerned about whether you left her or stayed on. She earns better than you so she would probably have to pay you rather than the other way around and so it suited her that you decided to stick around. In fact she had probably already assessed the situation and knew you were very likely to stick around because you were the needy person in the relationship. Even today she couldn't care less whether you stick around or leave. Also her moral compass is such that she is not very concerned about what effect her affair had on her children. She is a very selfish person.

 

Five. She indulged in rug sweeping as mentioned by you and this indicates she is not in the least remorseful.

 

The whole point of my summarizing the whole thing in point form is to bring out to you these are the reasons your gut(subconscious mind) is causing you pain to warn you to terminate a toxic relationship and move on in your life. If you do not your wife will find some other lover like the previous one who will help her get her rocks off as before and you will again start running from pillar to post looking for support from an annonymous set of people on a forum such as this. I hope this helps bring some clarity to your thinking. Best wishes!