Scared to fall in love and get married and have kids.

[GoBlue]

There are some serious over generalizations in this thread that just are too skewed to take serious (I am a full grown man). To engage in any kind of a relationship with any person is to take a risk. Whether that be in dating, marriage, friendship, or co-worker. Anyone can make up lies and choose to be evil if they want. You can live in fear and "protect yourself" as a way of life, but where does that lead? It leads to loneliness, fear, and unfulfilled living. We are social creatures and relationships are what make life worth living. They are also the greatest source of heartache and pain. Risk and reward - I choose to risk the pain on order to enjoy the love. My thoughts and prayers are with all who read this.

[Woggle]

I am in a happy marriage myself but I understand completely where you are coming from. For the most part modern day marriage is a worthless piece of paper. People can call the OP cynical but it's not like there isn't a bunch of real world examples to back it up.

[Krieger]

You are way too much of a pessimist, but I will say I find that the number of marriage breakdowns due to infidelity are on the up. That's both men and women cheating. What is more apparent though, is that women are cheating way more than before and as men are pretty often the higher earners, with SAHM, the innocent betrayed husband gets financially screwed.

 

Giving half of their money (as they see it ) , to an unfaithful spouse, who you often have to pay spousal support for is a kick in the teeth.

 

Having said that, you really can't think all women are like that. If you really want kids, without the woman, then as you said, why not adopt.

 

Your negativity is really strong, though if that's all you've seen around you I see where it's coming from.

 

 

I might have to go adop a kid I do not want to wait around for a good woman.

 

I have seen the way woman act in my own family and I am like wow . I have learned to stay far away from crazy woman .Yep that why I will not date a female with mental problems like BPD, bipolar,schizophrenia and manic depression to name a few.

 

Thank god I do not have any of that .

[fitnessfan365]

Aren't you the guy that's always posting about how you can't meet women, that they only want "bad boys", etc.. Before you worry about getting divorced, you need to start going out on dates first. Just saying...

 

However, sometimes you just have to jump in with both feet and take a chance in the deep end. Otherwise, you'll be wading in the shallow end forever.

[Krieger]

OH PLEASE! you might as well stay home forever cause every day you risk being hit by a car, or a plane falling on you, or catch cancer.

 

If you want to get married then just have a bullet proof prenup or don't get married and make sure all of your paper concerning your common assets are notarized and devised in half if there is a separation.

 

Most divorced couples I know are civil toward each other and are still great parents.

 

 

I do not own anything a value well a PS4 and a dog . Preups are for people that have things. I work retail i have nothing I cant even afford a vacation or let alone live. Having to pay for school out of pocket takes a lot of my money.

[Krieger]

Yes that is the right advice for you!!! If you are too scared and negative you would be an awful husband or father, sorry, but you would. :( Nobody would want to be married to a man who thinks she is out to ruin his life!!! So just be single and happy, or else go to a counsellor for a long time to work through your huge fears before you even try to get in any kind of relationship. Women and men are not supposed to be enemies and as hard as it is for you to believe this there are alot of us in healthy and fun relationships and marriages with each other!! :bunny:

 

 

Sadly some not all woman see men as enemies it is sad really. I do not view woman that way I am just not as trusting of woman and men .

 

I was raised as a kid that nope one cares about you are on your own in the real world. Sometimes people are going to throw you under the bus to save themselves.

[elaine567]

I might have to go adop a kid I do not want to wait around for a good woman.

 

I have seen the way woman act in my own family and I am like wow . I have learned to stay far away from crazy woman .Yep that why I will not date a female with mental problems like BPD, bipolar,schizophrenia and manic depression to name a few.

 

Thank god I do not have any of that .

 

With the attitude you have, no-one will let you adopt kids.

For God's sake sort ourself out with a good therapist, quickly.

[Krieger]

Anyone could look at the scary or sad stories and decide that some group of people should be avoided. But it isn’t about having faith in others or trusting others. It’s about trusting yourself. If you trust yourself to make smart decisions about potential mates, you needn’t worry. Patiently take your time getting to know someone and be discerning about character and sincerity and you ought to be able to build trust in your ability to choose a good partner.

 

 

That is why I will be on the look out for red flags and if she has too many run for the hills.

[BlueIris]

That is why I will be on the look out for red flags and if she has too many run for the hills.

 

Exactly. As everyone should. But that's just a threshold question.

 

Notice people's values and how they act, and even if it isn't awful, ask whether you see the strengths of personality and character for being able to build and sustain a relationship. Prioritize the people who have admirable traits, strengths, just as much as you avoid people who have big problems.

[preraph]

I hope I can quell at least one of your fears. As long as all along you do 50 percent of the hands-on childcare, you will certainly be awarded joint custody. Courts try to do joint custody unless someone has a big substance abuse or violence problem. But if you leave all the kids stuff to your wife, cooking, cleaning, taxiing them around, taking off when they're sick, then you have no qualifications of being able to actually do the daily child rearing, and everything is for the benefit of the child in court, so it's who has proven they are the best caretaker. But these days, the smart women will insist on joint custody just to finally force a hands-off father to learn to care for his own children so that she can get or keep a job too.

 

So don't fear having your kids ripped from you.

[lollipopspot]

As long as all along you do 50 percent of the hands-on childcare, you will certainly be awarded joint custody.

 

Please stop interjecting the thread with logic.

[katiegrl]

I know. Those are the age girls I have been with since my divorce. I don't meet any my own age for some reason.

 

And that's why I'm thinking short termis easier. Entertain them 24/7, then take a month to yourself, then entertain the next one.

 

Since they don't want monogamy anyway, I can just adapt to their desired multiplie partner lifestyle and do the same thing they do, getting my needs met.

 

I'd be a lot more nervous in your situation. Having kids with one would be a mess.

 

Edit: *** Im with girls 5 to 10 years younger than you usually.**

 

LW these chicks are in their early to mid 20s...their behavior is par for the course at that age.

 

Surely, there must be women in their mid 30s living in New York...

 

Or perhaps none you are attracted to? If not, why? They want a relationship.... commitment?

 

You infer that's what you want....but yet the women (girls) you find yourself attracted to and choose to date are so young....a "relationship" isn't even on their radar yet..

 

Something to think about.....

[Krieger]

I hope I can quell at least one of your fears. As long as all along you do 50 percent of the hands-on childcare, you will certainly be awarded joint custody. Courts try to do joint custody unless someone has a big substance abuse or violence problem. But if you leave all the kids stuff to your wife, cooking, cleaning, taxiing them around, taking off when they're sick, then you have no qualifications of being able to actually do the daily child rearing, and everything is for the benefit of the child in court, so it's who has proven they are the best caretaker. But these days, the smart women will insist on joint custody just to finally force a hands-off father to learn to care for his own children so that she can get or keep a job too.

 

So don't fear having your kids ripped from you.

 

 

Oh i will do my part and I want to look after my kids. I want the responsibility of watching them .

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh i will do my part and I want to look after my kids. I want the responsibility of watching them .

 

Just don't instil negative attitudes in them and make them fearful of living full, varied, enjoyable and active lives with members of the opposite sex.

 

Take your parents' marriage as an example. leave the remainder alone....

[xxoo]

Quite seriously, if you have massive anxieties and fears about marriage and kids, don't get married and have kids. Self-fulfilling prophecy is a very real thing. Your issues will tank the relationship.

[Krieger]

Women don't like bums either. Tell me since you are so full of knowledge about how horrible women are, 1) why would a wonderful woman choose you out of all the wonderful men there are out in the world and 2) why don't you just cross the whole idea of women off your list and spend your life doing things that you like??? If I hated men so much I sure wouldn't be spending my life with one! Luckily for me I like men and love one of them alot!!

 

That is easy one :

 

I believe in this quote:

I think you may judge of a man’s character by the persons whose affection he seeks. If you find a man seeking only the affection of those who are great, depend upon it he is ambitious and self-seeking; but when you observe that a man seeks the affection of those who can do nothing for him, but for whom he must do everything, you know that he is not seeking himself, but that pure benevolence sways his heart.

 

I look out for the weak for example a few year ago I was doing some shopping and paid and walking out the door when I was approached my a female outside the store and she asked for my help . She said a guy inside was staking her stalking and following her arouind the store every time she would look up he would be close by her. She asked if she should call the police and I said I would better to be safe than sorry. I walked her to her car and than the guy drove by and we got his license plate and me and the guy made eye contact and he looked like he was up to no good. I sated untill the police showed up.

 

I also prevented a child from getting attacked by a homeless guy long story short I was driving by saw theis homelessman grab a little girl and it did not look right. So I pulled over fast and grabbed my tire iron and ran over to them he saw me and let go I hit him a few times and the cops showed up .

 

I do not feel like i did anything heroic I just did what I felt was right . That being said I go not need to tell people I am a good guy I know I am.

[Krieger]

Quite seriously, if you have massive anxieties and fears about marriage and kids, don't get married and have kids. Self-fulfilling prophecy is a very real thing. Your issues will tank the relationship.

 

Everyone has some sort of anxiety about getting married and having kids I know I do .

 

Will I be good enough , will I make my wife happy , will I make a great father and will I be able to provide and protect them at all cost?

[xxoo]

Everyone has some sort of anxiety about getting married and having kids I know I do .

 

Will I be good enough , will I make my wife happy , will I make a great father and will I be able to provide and protect them at all cost?

 

What you've described here on this thread, and other threads, goes beyond normal anxieties and fears. Your issue is related to trusting women. If you can not trust a woman, you can not be a good husband.

 

Frankly, you don't seem to even like women.

[Gary S]

Just find a sane woman who falls for you, who does not have too many problems.

 

Then keep her in love, don't ever take her for granted. How? - by always giving her respect, trust, affection, and romance.

 

Would a woman who loved her man ever want a divorce? Do you smell the coffee date?!

[toolforgrowth]

As a guy who worked hard, provided for his family, was cheated on, and got financially raped and my daughter only 35% of the time, I will tell you OP that your fears are very applicable in today's world. None of the women posting in this thread can relate to you because it hasn't happened to them.

 

But it DID happen to me.

 

Joint custody =/= 50/50 time. I have joint custody but not 50/50 time on paper. Joint custody means you have equal say in important life decisions regarding your child, such as medical care. It does NOT mean you have equal time. They are two different issues.

 

I've made a lot of decisions as a result of my experiences.

 

1) Never get married. Ever. Under any circumstance. It offers men no benefits and only obligations, especially if the marriage goes south. Odds are you will be paying for kids you hardly see.

 

2) Get a vasectomy and freeze some sperm if you want kids. That way you are only having children you actually consent to have.

 

3) Never co mingle funds under any circumstance. Keep your money and assets in your name only, including your expenses. I have my ex wife money to pay the last of our shared bills after we split. She took the money and spent it on her affair partner instead. I had to shell out extra to get the water board to lift the lien they placed on my property. Oh, and make sure that YOU pussy every bill; never give money to someone with the expectation that they will pay it for you.

 

I'm fully expecting to get flamed by the ladies here, but I don't care. I've lived through what you fear. I know how it is. They'd rather blame us for reacting to the horrible actions of some of the women in their ranks than point the finger at the women in their ranks that give women a bad name. That's fine, they can do that.

 

But we're the ones who have been married to women, not them.

 

I'm definitely not saying men are perfect. There are tons of loser guys out there. But at least I have the intellectual honesty to admit that.

 

Live your life on YOUR terms, and ignore what anyone else thinks. It's your life, not theirs.

[Redhead14]

What you've described here on this thread, and other threads, goes beyond normal anxieties and fears. Your issue is related to trusting women. If you can not trust a woman, you can not be a good husband.

 

Frankly, you don't seem to even like women.

 

Well, from this thread, his fear and anxiety is a normal response. When you father commits suicide apparently because of his mother's narcissism or psychopathy, it becomes trauma. Fear and anxiety are normal responses to trauma. The previous threads were really related to this thread. It is likely that his mother was not a good mother either. He has a reason to be distrustful, resentful and not have much appreciation for women.

 

The situation described in this thread is the root of all his anxieties and fears and fuel for all his threads.

 

You should note, too, that he wants children, will provide for them but doesn't see the need for a "mother" beyond being the physical vessel for that. His mother was "not there for him" so he doesn't see a need for one.

 

He should have had counseling and it's not too late. He's very young still. He doesn't have irrational fears or fears borne out of "minor" incidences. This was huge.

[preraph]

Oh i will do my part and I want to look after my kids. I want the responsibility of watching them .

 

Then you really have nothing to fear. Things have changed a lot in the last 20 years, so there's a bunch of things that used to be true about custody that are no longer true. As long as you take care of them and you don't have an alcohol, dope or violence problem, there is nothing to stand in your way should the worst happen and you divorce. No one is allowed to move the kids far away from the other spouse or anything like that. Plus if you're a good father and doing half the work and don't have any big issues like I just mentioned, most mothers wouldn't divorce you, because that means you're a great dad and mothers usually care enough about their kids to want the best for them.

[lollipopspot]

As a guy who worked hard, provided for his family...

 

it DID happen to me...

 

I've lived through what you fear. I know how it is. They'd rather blame us for reacting to the horrible actions of some of the women in their ranks than point the finger at the women in their ranks that give women a bad name. That's fine, they can do that.

 

Some men make really STUPID decisions with predictable bad outcomes, then blame everyone but themselves. If you are the primary financial provider for your family, and your partner is the primary child carer, then in the event of a divorce, you will be paying more (duh) and your partner will probably still have majority custody (duh). This is not about gender, but about role in the partnership. I cannot wrap my mind around why this isn't so glaringly obvious to men. You choose your fate depending on the relationship YOU set up. You are not a victim of the legal system, you are a victim of your own desires to create an inegalitarian relationship with your partner (that then went sour). Had you wanted to be the primary caretaker, you would have been in your ex's position financially and child-wise.

 

It's just so mind boggling people can't figure this out.

[Woggle]

As a guy who worked hard, provided for his family, was cheated on, and got financially raped and my daughter only 35% of the time, I will tell you OP that your fears are very applicable in today's world. None of the women posting in this thread can relate to you because it hasn't happened to them.

 

But it DID happen to me.

 

Joint custody =/= 50/50 time. I have joint custody but not 50/50 time on paper. Joint custody means you have equal say in important life decisions regarding your child, such as medical care. It does NOT mean you have equal time. They are two different issues.

 

I've made a lot of decisions as a result of my experiences.

 

1) Never get married. Ever. Under any circumstance. It offers men no benefits and only obligations, especially if the marriage goes south. Odds are you will be paying for kids you hardly see.

 

2) Get a vasectomy and freeze some sperm if you want kids. That way you are only having children you actually consent to have.

 

3) Never co mingle funds under any circumstance. Keep your money and assets in your name only, including your expenses. I have my ex wife money to pay the last of our shared bills after we split. She took the money and spent it on her affair partner instead. I had to shell out extra to get the water board to lift the lien they placed on my property. Oh, and make sure that YOU pussy every bill; never give money to someone with the expectation that they will pay it for you.

 

I'm fully expecting to get flamed by the ladies here, but I don't care. I've lived through what you fear. I know how it is. They'd rather blame us for reacting to the horrible actions of some of the women in their ranks than point the finger at the women in their ranks that give women a bad name. That's fine, they can do that.

 

But we're the ones who have been married to women, not them.

 

I'm definitely not saying men are perfect. There are tons of loser guys out there. But at least I have the intellectual honesty to admit that.

 

Live your life on YOUR terms, and ignore what anyone else thinks. It's your life, not theirs.

 

Yup. You can never relate to what the OP says unless you have lived it or you have seen it up close. I know there are many good women who are loyal but happened to you seems to happen a lot these days and you can't blame a man for being a little skittish.

[toolforgrowth]

Some men make really STUPID decisions with predictable bad outcomes, then blame everyone but themselves. If you are the primary financial provider for your family, and your partner is the primary child carer, then in the event of a divorce, you will be paying more (duh) and your partner will probably still have majority custody (duh). This is not about gender, but about role in the partnership. I cannot wrap my mind around why this isn't so glaringly obvious to men. You choose your fate depending on the relationship YOU set up. You are not a victim of the legal system, you are a victim of your own desires to create an inegalitarian relationship with your partner (that then went sour). Had you wanted to be the primary caretaker, you would have been in your ex's position financially and child-wise.

 

It's just so mind boggling people can't figure this out.

 

The funny thing is, if I were to say that I would never marry a woman who wanted to be a SAHM for this very reason, you'd still lambaste me for it. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

 

I'd rather be damned for not doing.

 

EDIT: You heard it here first, guys: never marry a woman who makes less than you, and if you do, still expect to pay even if she cheats.

Edited May 14, 2015 by toolforgrowth