Author guest569 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 I couldn't sleep last night. I was thinking about the bad stuff. Anger stage strikes back: We never had sex, despite trying many times. A lot of the time he didn't even want to even if I am lying there naked saying let's go. No amount of sexy lingerie, mood music, candles, porn etc. helped. He just wouldn't take charge and do it. Something was really wrong. My self esteem is pretty crappy as a result, even though I finally got laid by someone else who also ditched me after a month. I feel fat, ugly and repulsive although I know I am not. The actions of these guys is upsetting. He was fake and never had feelings for me despite those amazing "romantic" moments I thought we shared. Apparently he 'really liked' me. He wouldn't have been so cold breaking up with me if he liked me one bit. Arrogant and thought he was too good for me. Basically led me on for the whole time. He knew for the last 3 months of the relationship that he wasn't into me but waited to tell me on New Year's Day. After having met his friends and he met all my family. I thought things were progressing and going fantastically (aside from sex, which I still think was the main reason he dumped me). What great timing. What a loser, what a prick. Amazing catch indeed. I haven't spent much time in the anger stage. It's always the depression, slight anger, slight neutral.. back to sad. I'm sure I spent a few months there where I was fairly indifferent and rarely even thought about him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 You need to get out and meet people, like minded people. What are you interested in? Go do stuff you find exciting and you'll notice the people with you are also there for the same reason. Of course you'll experience them again, can I ask how old you are, if you don't mind? I've done a lot of those things.. I work and study, I took dancing lessons, go to random events. That's where I made a couple of acquaintances but no luck. A lot of the time in meetups I meet guys that want to date. It's hard to make friends who are on the same page as you. I've been fairly time poor lately but should get more time after my exams... When I was a kid I had friends that lived down the street and we could just depend on each other and hang out whenever. It was so simple and we were closer than friends I have as an adult. I'm in my late 20s. Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I've done a lot of those things.. I work and study, I took dancing lessons, go to random events. That's where I made a couple of acquaintances but no luck. A lot of the time in meetups I meet guys that want to date. It's hard to make friends who are on the same page as you. I've been fairly time poor lately but should get more time after my exams... When I was a kid I had friends that lived down the street and we could just depend on each other and hang out whenever. It was so simple and we were closer than friends I have as an adult. I'm in my late 20s. How long were you together? you're still pretty young so I wouldn't give up on future relationships. Also, did I read in your last post you never actually had sex with each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 How long were you together? you're still pretty young so I wouldn't give up on future relationships. Also, did I read in your last post you never actually had sex with each other? Correct. yeah it was about 9 mnths. We did all sorts of sex just not intercourse, we tried many times.. I know it wasn't my fault now as I had no issues when I finally had sex. But makes me feel as though he was repulsed by me. I haven't given up on future relationships but I know they wont be like this. And I don't really care if I don't have another relationship because it wont be with him anyway and I have tried dating so many men and had some pretty bad experiences and lost faith in humanity haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Correct. yeah it was about 9 mnths. We did all sorts of sex just not intercourse, we tried many times.. I know it wasn't my fault now as I had no issues when I finally had sex. But makes me feel as though he was repulsed by me. I haven't given up on future relationships but I know they wont be like this. And I don't really care if I don't have another relationship because it wont be with him anyway and I have tried dating so many men and had some pretty bad experiences and lost faith in humanity haha. How are you so sure you won't find another relationship like this that didn't even involve sex? Intimacy is important and you'll meet someone else one day who'll be super attracted to you and the sex will be great. You were with this guy for 9 months, you haven't spent years and years together. You need to change your attitude and start thinking in a positive way. It's been 1 and a half years now...time to get rid of the 'I can't move on' stuff, seems to me you don't actually wanna move on in your mind. You can't be scared of the future and what it might bring. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 How are you so sure you won't find another relationship like this that didn't even involve sex? Intimacy is important and you'll meet someone else one day who'll be super attracted to you and the sex will be great. You were with this guy for 9 months, you haven't spent years and years together. You need to change your attitude and start thinking in a positive way. It's been 1 and a half years now...time to get rid of the 'I can't move on' stuff, seems to me you don't actually wanna move on in your mind. You can't be scared of the future and what it might bring. The fact that when I finally did get laid (by someone else) he left after a month or so. I kinda put it down to the same thing, I'm hideous! Maybe it's not true and it's my low self esteem talking. You're right, I don't want to move on, and I don't really know why. I don't particularly enjoy being miserable but I just can't snap out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 The fact that when I finally did get laid (by someone else) he left after a month or so. I kinda put it down to the same thing, I'm hideous! Maybe it's not true and it's my low self esteem talking. You're right, I don't want to move on, and I don't really know why. I don't particularly enjoy being miserable but I just can't snap out of it. But that's one guy, some people are only after casual things. If you were hideous he wouldn't have slept with you in the first place. People on here can only help you so much, you need to be willing to help yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 But that's one guy, some people are only after casual things. If you were hideous he wouldn't have slept with you in the first place. People on here can only help you so much, you need to be willing to help yourself. Thats why my ex never did sleep with me.this other guy was probably just desperate. I was watching a crappy tv show and kinda got thinking maybe i will love again. I can do better than him. Not that that is my goal, i just want to stop crying myself to sleep and enjoy life Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Thats why my ex never did sleep with me.this other guy was probably just desperate. I was watching a crappy tv show and kinda got thinking maybe i will love again. I can do better than him. Not that that is my goal, i just want to stop crying myself to sleep and enjoy life In regards to moving on, ask yourself...what other choice do you have? You literally have no other choice, you can dwell on the past forever but it won't change a thing, but the only choice you have is the one your dumper gave you...to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 In regards to moving on, ask yourself...what other choice do you have? You literally have no other choice, you can dwell on the past forever but it won't change a thing, but the only choice you have is the one your dumper gave you...to move on. I dont even really now what it means to move on. My life has gone on and I have achieved a lot. But I cant forget him, and remaining single how am i supposed to move on Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted May 17, 2015 Author Share Posted May 17, 2015 I'm so tempted to contact him, I feel so bored and alone and have noone to turn to. He said to me before the breakup 'you're unhappy and it makes me unhappy'. I didn't think I was unhappy. When in fact I can now see it was the other way around. He made me unhappy. He never loved me and I knew it but would never admit it to myself. I felt unhappy and unwanted throughout our relationship. If you can even call it a relationship. He was never quite as invested as I was, despite the fact that he initiated the dating, the relationship, everything. We never mentioned the L word to each other. I really liked him instantly. I loved him all along but never realised my feelings until many months passed by, and I think it was my way of protecting myself. But I trusted his actions because he was still there with me. I think he was just uncertain and conflicted the entire relationship. I can see things a lot more clearly now although I am still in denial about a lot of things. What was I to him? Merely a friend? A rebound? A distraction.. What the hell happened? Where did it all go wrong? Most of the time I still fail to acknowledge that anything was wrong. In my mind and on my side of things, all was great. I was there willing to love and share a life with him. He wanted that too, but his heart was never in it no matter how much he tried to force it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Update time.. It's amazing that I felt that way not long ago. After hmm, 1 year and 8 months, I can say that I don't want him back and don't miss him or long for him anymore. And I say it with confidence. I have felt this way for a few weeks now. Hopefully that concludes this rather horrible chapter of my life!! I can see his dark side, I can see that he was unhappy and projected his insecurities and issues onto me rather than deal with them himself.. and his snide remarks and inability to laugh at himself should have been deal breakers for me. He was so FAKE!! He would always laugh at me but if I made jokes about him it would crush his fragile ego. He was judgemental and thought himself so superior. Oh well, he is kidding himself! Now I just sound really bitter!! Perhaps I have snippets of the 'anger phase' which I never seemed to encounter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 It sounds like this has been torture for you all of this time. I hope that you are in a place to move forward now, and meet someone else. I was in a similar state of mind as you, though not as long as you. But I forced myself to start seeing other people almost immediately, and finally met someone that Ive connected with, and that I like. Doesn't have to be too serious, but just meeting someone and both agreeing to take it slowly. I hope that you are at a point now of being able to open up to the possibility of meeting someone new. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Making some friends will IMO help process out the remainder of the attachment, exemplified here by the lists of 'why' in the latest update. Since you're apparently feeling more positive now, good time to work on the friends thing, especially female friends. Things take as long as they do. I recall it took me a couple of years after my D to get to a relatively neutral state and that was with MC prior to the D. Everyone's different. Being 'stuck' I came to value the professional help we received. Others do it on their own. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 Hey, thanks both for your comments I hope that you are in a place to move forward now, and meet someone else. I was in a similar state of mind as you, though not as long as you. I had met someone new since the breakup who also dumped me! I then had a fair few first dates and a casual relationship. I also recently started dating someone but I'm not sure where he is at with his past, so treading carefully. I don't think any of those relationships or dating had any impact on my progress, it was just something that needed to 'click' in my mind. I think the fact I was on holidays on my own, living it up! I suddenly realised I don't want him and I am strong. It gave me that confidence to move on. Making some friends will IMO help process out the remainder of the attachment, exemplified here by the lists of 'why' in the latest update. Since you're apparently feeling more positive now, good time to work on the friends thing, especially female friends. Things take as long as they do. I recall it took me a couple of years after my D to get to a relatively neutral state and that was with MC prior to the D. Everyone's different. Being 'stuck' I came to value the professional help we received. Others do it on their own. Good luck! I agree it's probably a good time for finding friends. I have some great colleagues, but I need some buddies totally separate from work.And yes, separate from relationships or dating! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Liono84 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 It's not easy in the beginning nor should it be, for anyone who was in a serious relationship that go dumped by the person they loved. It takes time and that is perfectly normal. At this point, however, there's been more than enough time for you to heal. It now only comes down to you healing yourself, NOT time. You're prob not going to like the answer, but it can take as long as you want it to take. I always think of it from the point of view of ppl who have a life threatening event. There are those who feel sorry for themselves and ask why, and in doing so succumb to death by not fighting. Then there are those who have one objective in mind, which is to survive. They refuse to feel sorry for themselves or ask why, or think about the past, and in doing so they have a much higher probability of suviving. Only you can heal yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 You should make a list of evwrything you DIDNT LIKE about him. He couldnt have been that pperfect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author guest569 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Share Posted December 31, 2015 Well, this marks 2 years since I got my heart broken. I can see now that he was not right for me at all. I don't even particularly like him anymore when I think about how he treated me. I wouldn't use the word indifferent but I care very little about all that stuff now. For the duration of the relationship, I was more invested than he was and I said I wouldn't make that mistake again. I did though several times. At least I am aware of it, and I have finally found something mutual for the first time in my life. Where it's just mutual from the start and there is no game playing or rules or wondering whether he wants me, or feeling like I am not good enough. I think I was just inexperienced and stupid and settled for someone who was so wrong for me. Its nice that I can finally see that. Enough with the rose tinted BS !!! Link to post Share on other sites
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