I have a girlfriend but want to use Tinder

[BruisedShins]

Firstly, this isn't as bad as it sounds. I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half and she's been the only girl that's ever shown any interest in me, because of this, I don't feel too great about the way I look and the only reason I'd want to use tinder is for a bit of a confidence boost. My and my gf have been together so long that compliments to each other are rare and we haven't had sex in such a long time and it feels like the spark is dwindelling, despite the fact we still love each other. I wouldn't call myself needy, but I'm self conscious about the way I look and would just like some validation.

 

I wouldn't actually chat to any potential matches, nor would I want to and would let my girlfriend look through any of the chat logs etc (not entirley sure how it works). I did sign up to Tinder a while ago but soon uninstalled it on my phone, because I didn't want to do it without her knowing but I don't know how to ask her about it. She is the jealous type and is similarly self conscious. Is it unreasonable to ask about this? If not, how would I go about it?

[d0nnivain]

Yes it's unreasonable. You are seeking external validation, which you won't get from OLD. It will only make you feel worse.

 

It's an either or choice: your GF who genuinely cares about you OR strangers on the internet / Tinder.

[madjac74]

You have confidence issues and tinder is your choice? I guess if yu get rejected on there then there is something wrong with you

[Moy]

Talk to your gf, get your validation from that conversation.

[CarrieT]

Break up with your girlfriend before you even think of installing Tinder.

 

Self confidence comes from within - not by random hook-ups with people you don't know.

[Michelle ma Belle]

And what happens if you sign up on Tinder and the all you hear are crickets? How will that affect your already damaged self esteem and subsequently your relationship?

 

Tread carefully. This is NOT a good idea IMO.

[ascendotum]

So you haven't had sex in a long time...is it because she has been knocking you back or you dont have the urge for her?

 

If you think the relationship has run its course and you don't love her as much as you did once and you don't think the spark can be resurrected then just break up with her and start flirting with new women. Using a site more known as a hookup site for a confidence boost is BS. Would you believe your gf or future gfs if you found that app in their phone and they told you to relax they just use it for a confidence boost. lol you'd be a sucker if you did. Likewise she wont believe it from you, especially since you are not sexing her up.

Edited May 11, 2015 by ascendotum

[elaine567]

Firstly, this isn't as bad as it sounds. I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half and she's been the only girl that's ever shown any interest in me, because of this, I don't feel too great about the way I look and the only reason I'd want to use tinder is for a bit of a confidence boost. My and my gf have been together so long that compliments to each other are rare and we haven't had sex in such a long time and it feels like the spark is dwindelling, despite the fact we still love each other. I wouldn't call myself needy, but I'm self conscious about the way I look and would just like some validation.

 

Better to try and fix your relationship or just get out of it all together than go looking for women elsewhere, whilst with your current gf.

 

I don't believe for one moment, if you got interest from some girls on OLD you would not take things further. Of course you would, you are not getting validation or sex from your gf, so you would justify to yourself that somehow you deserve their attention.

You are basically expressing a desire to test the waters, but keeping a safety net in place; that is very unfair on your gf.

 

Do NOT be that man texting/sexting other women all day and night on his phone and sneaking about, whilst his loyal gf sleeps beside him.

 

Make a clear decision,

1)split up and pursue other women

or

2) work on your relationship and find out why sex is off the menu.

[Satu]

If you want validation from other women, have the decency to break up with your girlfriend before you do anything about it.

[fitnessfan365]

If was only about confidence and an ego boost, why mention a dwindling spark and not having sex? I think you're getting bored with your GF and want to use Tinder to line up a replacement.

[Redhead14]

Firstly, this isn't as bad as it sounds. I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half and she's been the only girl that's ever shown any interest in me, because of this, I don't feel too great about the way I look and the only reason I'd want to use tinder is for a bit of a confidence boost. My and my gf have been together so long that compliments to each other are rare and we haven't had sex in such a long time and it feels like the spark is dwindelling, despite the fact we still love each other. I wouldn't call myself needy, but I'm self conscious about the way I look and would just like some validation.

 

I wouldn't actually chat to any potential matches, nor would I want to and would let my girlfriend look through any of the chat logs etc (not entirley sure how it works). I did sign up to Tinder a while ago but soon uninstalled it on my phone, because I didn't want to do it without her knowing but I don't know how to ask her about it. She is the jealous type and is similarly self conscious. Is it unreasonable to ask about this? If not, how would I go about it?

 

This is a completely immature way to deal with the fact that you are feeling unfulfilled in the relationship. You talk about the way you are feeling. Don't ask her or tell her you want to use a dating site to get women to boost your ego. That will hurt her and sure won't do anything to help her with her own self-consciousness. Not only that, you are opening yourself up to temptation. If you are at a point where you do not want to be in the relationship, you break up with her before you start going out on dating sites. If you are doing this, you are basically stringing your girlfriend along until you do find someone else. If you do love her and want to be in the relationship, you need to put effort into it.

 

You need to have a calm, direct conversation with her. This is an established/committed relationship. It is apparent that you have had some conversation about all this but no effort has been put into resolving them.

 

Since you want some type of validation and compliments and you know she is also self-conscious, how hard would it be to start complimenting one another? When she wears something you like, you compliment her. Compliment and thank her for things. Start doing this on a regular basis. She will likely begin to return that for you as well. You two are operating in the relationship on auto-pilot and this is common during a long term relationship. Start doing these kinds of things and show more affection. That will help build intimacy and likely spark renewed interest in having sex.

 

You don't go elsewhere for validation when you've been together so long. You work together on the issues. Get back to the basics.

Edited May 11, 2015 by Redhead14

[Guitarisgood]

Firstly, this isn't as bad as it sounds. I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half and she's been the only girl that's ever shown any interest in me, because of this, I don't feel too great about the way I look and the only reason I'd want to use tinder is for a bit of a confidence boost. My and my gf have been together so long that compliments to each other are rare and we haven't had sex in such a long time and it feels like the spark is dwindelling, despite the fact we still love each other. I wouldn't call myself needy, but I'm self conscious about the way I look and would just like some validation.

 

I wouldn't actually chat to any potential matches, nor would I want to and would let my girlfriend look through any of the chat logs etc (not entirley sure how it works). I did sign up to Tinder a while ago but soon uninstalled it on my phone, because I didn't want to do it without her knowing but I don't know how to ask her about it. She is the jealous type and is similarly self conscious. Is it unreasonable to ask about this? If not, how would I go about it?

 

So instead of eating well, hitting the gym, learning to dress better, getting better at your hygeine and showing some bit of self-respect, you want to take the easy way out. Guess what, few months down the track your girlfriend will borrow your phone, find the app and get jealous and most likely admit she's already moved on from you.

 

Get over yourself. Start looking intrinsically and build yourself into a better person. You lack self confidence because you have nothing to stand for. For guys we're lucky that our 'looks' are more acknowledged in how we carry ourselves and our pursuits in life. Time to put in the hard yards buddy or save your missus the drama and break up with her first out of respect.

[Gary S]

So let me get this straight... you are beauty-challenged and you have a girlfriend, but now you want to screw up a relationship that you are lucky to have by looking at other women?

[joseb]

Firstly, this isn't as bad as it sounds.

 

Yes, yes it is just as bad as it sounds.

 

You either break up with her, and have all the tinder fun you can handle,

or you talk with her and try to figure out what is wrong with you two when you don't have sex after just 18 months.

Maybe the relationship has run its course. Or maybe neither of you has put any work into it at all. But something is really wrong if you haven't had sex in a long time.

[Redhead14]

I want to add that with the attitude you are presenting here, I'd say that this is the reason for the fact that you are unfulfilled. You are not giving enough to the relationship for her to want to or do what's needed to make you feel fulfilled in the relationship. If she's not being fulfilled, you're not being fulfilled.

[fitnessfan365]

I want to add that with the attitude you are presenting here, I'd say that this is the reason for the fact that you are unfulfilled. You are not giving enough to the relationship for her to want to or do what's needed to make you feel fulfilled in the relationship. If she's not being fulfilled, you're not being fulfilled.

 

Very good post.

 

How your woman behaves is a direct reflection on you. If you're handling business as a man, she'll be the sweetest, most loyal, sex starved creature you've ever seen. It's only when you get complacent and lazy that she'll pull away. I mean if you're at the point where you want to use Tinder, is it any wonder why she doesn't want to sleep with you?

 

Take her out on dates. Listen to her. Show spontaneous forms of affection and be sexually assertive. If you're just sitting around waiting on her to initiate and basically be the man in the relationship, she won't respect you or feel attracted to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it is as bad as it sounds. This is absolutely not the way to handle self-esteem or relationship problems.

 

If you proceed with this plan, it will end badly for you.

[smackie9]

You are unfulfilled because your relationship has run it's course which is totally normal, but you wouldn't know this because this is your first.....Relationships just fade most likely because you don't have a lot in common which is important for the long haul. The honeymoon phase is typically over after about a year. Instead of secretly seeking attention, grow a set and separate from your GF. You can still be lonely when you are in a relationship....not worth sticking it out if you have an itch to scratch.

[Redemption04]

Firstly, this isn't as bad as it sounds. I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half and she's been the only girl that's ever shown any interest in me, because of this, I don't feel too great about the way I look and the only reason I'd want to use tinder is for a bit of a confidence boost. My and my gf have been together so long that compliments to each other are rare and we haven't had sex in such a long time and it feels like the spark is dwindelling, despite the fact we still love each other. I wouldn't call myself needy, but I'm self conscious about the way I look and would just like some validation.

 

I wouldn't actually chat to any potential matches, nor would I want to and would let my girlfriend look through any of the chat logs etc (not entirley sure how it works). I did sign up to Tinder a while ago but soon uninstalled it on my phone, because I didn't want to do it without her knowing but I don't know how to ask her about it. She is the jealous type and is similarly self conscious. Is it unreasonable to ask about this? If not, how would I go about it?

 

In America, where I come from, we call that CHEATING.

 

 

"I wouldn't actually chat with any potential matches, nor would I want to" Lies lies and lies. That's like lighting a cigarette just to prove to yourself you can operate a lighter.

[preraph]

jeez, talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Online dating, and particularly Tinder, has never been an ego boost to anyone. Just a bunch of rejections and then if one says yes, you might as well assume she's a prostitute. If you need help with your self-esteem, go to a shrink, not cheat on the one person who will have you.

[BruisedShins]

Thanks for the responses, I now see why it was a stupid and lazy idea, which was looking for a shortcut intstead of actually investing time and effort in the relationship.

 

A few people asked why we rarely have sex anymore. Sex has stagnated for a number of reasons:

1) Due to me working full time in a stressful job and studying at the same time, I generally feel exhausted when I see her and when she doesn try to make advances, I already feel physically and emotionally drained. I know it's not a great situation and I feel bad that I feel like that, I've tried to explain it to her, but she sees it as me not being attracted to her.

2) Side effects of the medication she is taking lowers sex drive, so when I try to make advances she often doesn't feel into it.

3) Both living with our parents. I usually stay over at her house at least once a week, but usually twice. We used to do it late at night when everyone had gone to sleep, but she wanted to stop doing this as she felt we were making too much noise. Also, with her brother unemployed, she never gets the house to herself. Her house is preferred due to having a double bed compared to my single bed, but I also rarely have a free house, as I only usually get home from work later than my parents and if they do go out, it's only for short periods.

 

When we do get an opportunity to have sex, it feels so unnatural, because we've put so much pressure on ourselves to make the most of the opportunity and it never matches expectations. While, when we did it spontaneously late at night it was so much better and a lot more natural.