Met MM online then noticed he had multiple postings. Help!

[Trimmer]

I greet him at the door and close the door behind us to see what is wrong. He slurs out "Nothing's wrong" and that's when I realize it. He's DRUNK. Like I cannot believe he is driving much less standing kinda drunk.

This should have scared the heck out of you. I'm not suggesting you were in physical danger (although I'm not suggesting you were not, either) but the fact that he "went off book" and crossed what you understood to be a firm boundary should make you quite angry.

 

But I refuse to contact him. I refuse to seek him out. I refuse to get wrapped up in this mess all over again. But I feel like I am missing the closure. The reason for the abrupt NC from him after he was almost begging to still remain friends. Is this just part of the game?

As others have pointed out, he didn't want to be "friends." He wanted to keep his foot in the door so he could come back at some time later, hoping you would be weak and sleep with him again. No more complicated than that. There's your closure. You're a metaphorical seedling in a metaphorical garden that he tried to metaphorically cultivate so he could come back and metaphorically harvest you when your fruit was metaphorically ripe.

 

He wasn't happy being the dumpee so he strung me along a couple of more days and ditched me? Was it an ego boost to him that he was able to easily wrap me back up around his finger only to drop me without so much as a "We are done!" text?

Maybe - you took the power, which threw him off - he's probably not used to that - so he came and tried to get it back? Maybe.

 

I think everyday how much I wish he would text me just so I can tell him to "**** off!" I want him to know how crappy he's made me feel. Not that it would matter to him obviously but I still want him to know....

No, you don't. You don't care what he knows or thinks, or what he is doing. You are going to break all your ties with him, emotionally, physically, cell phone-ularly. Cut the ties to your past (he is now part of your past) and move your energy and your attention around to your future (where he does not, and will not exist, ever.) Wanting "him to know..." or hoping "he will realize" or wondering "what he thinks" is a counterproductive waste of energy, and a link to your past that will prevent you from moving forward. His life is his problem - ONLY his problem.

 

With the benefit of this experience - but with having disconnected from it - you need to turn around, look forward, and then move forward into your future.

[Brigit]

Tandy,

 

Serial male cheaters know what women want to hear about themselves and they will happily tell you anything that cons you into being in a relationship with them.

 

Yep.

 

 

 

It is all an ego boost, but it was all built on lies.

 

I believe most start out as an ego boost: a little "pick-me-up" no harm done.

[whichwayisup]

I contacted W through an online posting. Going in I knew he was married but it was supposedly bad and I was lonely and not using my head.

We've been seeing each other regularly. Not always sexual. He stops by my office to chat. We've even had lunch a couple times.

I have tried very hard to remember that he is still married and I know based on the situation at home he is not leaving anytime soon. This is all fine with me at the moment as I am not looking for more than what we have.

This morning I was bored and started searching through the same online site and came across multiple postings for the same person I am currently seeing. Some of them as recent as 2 days ago. We were together 2 days ago.

I am pissed!!!

All along he has said he wasn't sleeping with anyone but me. Not even the wife. He has asked me a few times if I was content with our arrangement. If I was sleeping with anyone else. I am content and I am not sleeping around.

I just don't get it.....

I should have known better. If he was willing to cheat with me, he would be willing to cheat on me.... blah blah blah.

Still doesn't make me less angry.

I know so much about him. I want to bust him. Tell his wife. Tell his kids. Tell his boss about all the times he comes to see me while on the clock working.

But in doing any of those things I will be outed as "the other woman". I will be seen as just as bad if not worse than him.

 

I never saw our arrangement going any further than where we are now. He's not exactly my type. But I also didn't see this coming.

 

I have no one I can tell or talk to about this. Everyone I know would be ashamed of me. Hell I am ashamed of me. And now I am torn. My head says END IT NOW! Right this minute! Break all communication. Get out before you get hurt. But, (why does there always have to be a but?) I still want him...... I am an idiot!

 

Why would you want to hurt his kids? Leave them out of it. That's a cruel thing to do. It's one thing to call his wife and OWN your part in having an A with her husband, apologize for your part in the affair, it's another to do this for revenge and hurt innocent children.

 

End your affair. It's POINTLESS to tell her of the affair and then continue.

[Trimmer]

Why would you want to hurt his kids? Leave them out of it. That's a cruel thing to do. It's one thing to call his wife and OWN your part in having an A with her husband, apologize for your part in the affair, it's another to do this for revenge and hurt innocent children.

 

End your affair. It's POINTLESS to tell her of the affair and then continue.

 

I think she's gotten past that point in subsequent posts:

 

But I refuse to contact him. I refuse to seek him out. I refuse to get wrapped up in this mess all over again.

 

So that's it. It's been almost 2 weeks of NC. And everyday seems to get less and less frustrating.

Stay with this - no contact, and move forward. It will gradually get easier and less frustrating, and soon you will be living your own life, looking forward to the future, instead of being dragged backward.

[minime13]

Since I still cannot talk to anyone I know about what I've done and I really need to get it out of my head for someone else to know, sad but it's true, even if it results in bad comments, I figured I would post an update on what I have in my head come to refer to as my little mess I created.

 

This right here. You can't talk to anyone because it shames you to admit that you are the OW in an affair. Don't get yourself into a shameful situation in the future, because it causes all of this.

 

After the day I initiated NC with the MM everything was quiet for a couple of days. I was not happy, actually I was just plain sad that I had to end it but it was better for me in the end to do so. So I was willing to suffer through it.

 

Then I get a well thought out, very endearing, probably full of lies lies lies, text message from him. Basically saying he was confused. I was greatly missed. Can we still be text buddies. Nothing more, but he wanted to at least still get to talk to each other throughout the day since we did connect on more than just intimately.

 

And of course I being the sympathizer I am, and probably because I really still wanted to be with him, agreed. Bad idea I know but it happened.

Then he says he wants to see me. Like now. I was at work, he was down the street. Just to talk face to face. Again bad idea but I agreed. I was feeling very strong that day and knew I wouldn't cave in. And I didn't. He did give me a hug hello and goodbye. But that was it. We chatted for about 10 minutes about nothing, just catching up and he was gone.

You weren't feeling strong because you gave in and met him. Understand that strong means having the strength to walk away from this lying cheater.

 

Fast forward a couple days and several text messages and I made the mistake of agreeing to see him again. At my house on a Friday evening.

We stood in my kitchen for over 4 hours talking. Not touching. Not flirting just hanging out. Then he said it. "This is so awkward. I don't want it to be awkward." He moved closer to me and my will power was gone...

We spent the next couple hours in bed and it was great as usual. But after he left that night I was more confused than ever.

 

I'm not sure what is confusing about this. He wants to sleep with other women, lots of other women, while married. You're letting him do that with you.

 

I still wanted to be just friends or friendly. Even if everything we did, everything he said, was lies it was still nice to have someone to talk to. I am missing that in my life right now. Terribly. I've been missing it for so long. And no one else I have met male or female has been able to fill that void. It sucks!

 

No, you don't. Be honest with yourself - you already admitted above that you wanted more than friends. You can be a friend to someone if that's what you want. And let's face it - he didn't go looking for friends on a dating site.

 

A few days later after many many many texts and him asking to see me again I agreed to a very late night visit. I knew this wasn't just to chat but I still agreed. He was supposed to call before coming over so I went to bed and when I woke up the next morning for work I realized he never called and never showed. I was actually relieved. I went about my morning. Getting ready for work.

 

Then I hear my text tone go off. It was him. Just "Hi". I didn't reply. I was busy and really needed to not talk to him. So I ignored him. 5 minutes later I hear a dog barking and I look outside and it's him. He knows he cannot come over at this time of morning since my kid is there. But he's there. I figure it must be something bad. I mean rules are rules and he's always respected the fact that I have a kid at home, just like I never called or showed up when his kid or W was around.

 

I greet him at the door and close the door behind us to see what is wrong. He slurs out "Nothing's wrong" and that's when I realize it. He's DRUNK. Like I cannot believe he is driving much less standing kinda drunk. It's 7:15am on a Tuesday! Wow! So I try to talk to him to avoid a conflict. My kid is just inside the house getting ready for school. I want everything to remain calm and civilized. He keeps hugging me and kissing me. Talking about totally random things. I'm still unsure why he even came by. After about 10 minutes I am able to convince him to go so we can leave for our day. He say's the usual bye I'll talk to you later.

 

Around 10 am I never heard from him and I really just wanted to make sure he wasn't dead in a ditch or jail, he was really that drunk, so I text him a short message asking how he was feeling. His reply "I'm good."

 

Girl, what are you doing? No boundaries being respected. Showing up drunk AND getting very close to involving your kid in this sloppy mess. THAT should be enough to make you walk away and pull the plug, but instead you worry and text him later? Girl...

 

That was the last time I spoke to or saw him. No text. No call. Nothing.

While part of me is glad since this is what I was trying to accomplish the other part of me is wondering what happened. I cannot stop thinking about it. The only way to not think about him is to stay busy. All day everyday. Which is not too hard to do most of the time but when I stop for too long and do nothing it's all that is on my mind. It's ridiculous! It's annoying. Yet I cannot make myself stop.

 

But I refuse to contact him. I refuse to seek him out. I refuse to get wrapped up in this mess all over again. But I feel like I am missing the closure. The reason for the abrupt NC from him after he was almost begging to still remain friends. Is this just part of the game? He wasn't happy being the dumpee so he strung me along a couple of more days and ditched me? Was it an ego boost to him that he was able to easily wrap me back up around his finger only to drop me without so much as a "We are done!" text?

 

So that's it. It's been almost 2 weeks of NC. And everyday seems to get less and less frustrating. I think everyday how much I wish he would text me just so I can tell him to "**** off!" I want him to know how crappy he's made me feel. Not that it would matter to him obviously but I still want him to know....

 

He showed up drunk and almost made a spectacle in front of your child. I'm not sure what else there is to say. Think about your kid and not your feelings. Unacceptable. Please snap out of it. This is ridiculous behavior, both for you and for him.

[TandyLynn9]

Whichwayisup, I was angry and feeling desperate for a way to make myself feel better. I wanted revenge. I have not and do not plan to involve anyone else in all of this, especially not his kids. I actually dread running into him and his family in public. I will probably just drop whatever I am doing and leave without a word. I mean what could I possibly do? Make a scene? That would make me look worse.

 

You are very right MiniMe13, I am very ashamed of myself. I have always been so against cheating of any kind. I have never cheated on anyone before. While I personally don't want to be married, long story, I do believe in relationships and monogamy, all of that. I have no idea what possessed me to seek out and continue this "relationship" with a MM for as long as I did. Even though it only lasted a couple months, it's still wrong. Trust me I get that.

 

I still have not seen or heard from him. I have made no attempts to contact him. Every day I think less and less about him. And when I do think about him I find that my thoughts are less about the good times and more focused on the negative things. The times he left instead of staying. The drunk morning visit. The fact that after begging to see me to talk after I told him to stay away he then disappears as if I was never here.

 

I had originally thought about going to see someone, a professional, to get some sort of guidance on why I did this and how to prevent myself from doing this again in the future. But was not sure I could verbally tell this person to their face what I did.

 

Everyday I feel more disgusted by him. Anger is not really even there at this time. I just feel gross. The more I think that he was possibly/probably not just seeing me makes it even worse. And having others point it out to me makes me feel even worse about it. But I think it is good for me. I mean I would feel horrible if one of my friends found out about everything.

 

Good news though. I was actually contacted by a real single man a few days ago. Like divorced 3 years. Does not even live in the same town as ex wife. We are going out on an actual date. Not meeting at anyone's house. Having dinner and hanging out. I think talking to someone else has helped me keep my mind off the MM. Whether anything comes of this date or not I am not concerned. But I like the fact that it makes me feel less desperate, which I am not but I was behaving like I am.

[minime13]

Whichwayisup, I was angry and feeling desperate for a way to make myself feel better. I wanted revenge. I have not and do not plan to involve anyone else in all of this, especially not his kids. I actually dread running into him and his family in public. I will probably just drop whatever I am doing and leave without a word. I mean what could I possibly do? Make a scene? That would make me look worse.

 

You are very right MiniMe13, I am very ashamed of myself. I have always been so against cheating of any kind. I have never cheated on anyone before. While I personally don't want to be married, long story, I do believe in relationships and monogamy, all of that. I have no idea what possessed me to seek out and continue this "relationship" with a MM for as long as I did. Even though it only lasted a couple months, it's still wrong. Trust me I get that.

 

I still have not seen or heard from him. I have made no attempts to contact him. Every day I think less and less about him. And when I do think about him I find that my thoughts are less about the good times and more focused on the negative things. The times he left instead of staying. The drunk morning visit. The fact that after begging to see me to talk after I told him to stay away he then disappears as if I was never here.

 

I had originally thought about going to see someone, a professional, to get some sort of guidance on why I did this and how to prevent myself from doing this again in the future. But was not sure I could verbally tell this person to their face what I did.

 

Everyday I feel more disgusted by him. Anger is not really even there at this time. I just feel gross. The more I think that he was possibly/probably not just seeing me makes it even worse. And having others point it out to me makes me feel even worse about it. But I think it is good for me. I mean I would feel horrible if one of my friends found out about everything.

 

Good news though. I was actually contacted by a real single man a few days ago. Like divorced 3 years. Does not even live in the same town as ex wife. We are going out on an actual date. Not meeting at anyone's house. Having dinner and hanging out. I think talking to someone else has helped me keep my mind off the MM. Whether anything comes of this date or not I am not concerned. But I like the fact that it makes me feel less desperate, which I am not but I was behaving like I am.

 

For the record, I wasn't trying to shame you - hope you didn't take it that way.

[the_artist_1970]

Whichwayisup, I was angry and feeling desperate for a way to make myself feel better. I wanted revenge. I have not and do not plan to involve anyone else in all of this, especially not his kids. I actually dread running into him and his family in public. I will probably just drop whatever I am doing and leave without a word. I mean what could I possibly do? Make a scene? That would make me look worse.

 

You are very right MiniMe13, I am very ashamed of myself. I have always been so against cheating of any kind. I have never cheated on anyone before. While I personally don't want to be married, long story, I do believe in relationships and monogamy, all of that. I have no idea what possessed me to seek out and continue this "relationship" with a MM for as long as I did. Even though it only lasted a couple months, it's still wrong. Trust me I get that.

 

I still have not seen or heard from him. I have made no attempts to contact him. Every day I think less and less about him. And when I do think about him I find that my thoughts are less about the good times and more focused on the negative things. The times he left instead of staying. The drunk morning visit. The fact that after begging to see me to talk after I told him to stay away he then disappears as if I was never here.

 

I had originally thought about going to see someone, a professional, to get some sort of guidance on why I did this and how to prevent myself from doing this again in the future. But was not sure I could verbally tell this person to their face what I did.

 

Everyday I feel more disgusted by him. Anger is not really even there at this time. I just feel gross. The more I think that he was possibly/probably not just seeing me makes it even worse. And having others point it out to me makes me feel even worse about it. But I think it is good for me. I mean I would feel horrible if one of my friends found out about everything.

 

Good news though. I was actually contacted by a real single man a few days ago. Like divorced 3 years. Does not even live in the same town as ex wife. We are going out on an actual date. Not meeting at anyone's house. Having dinner and hanging out. I think talking to someone else has helped me keep my mind off the MM. Whether anything comes of this date or not I am not concerned. But I like the fact that it makes me feel less desperate, which I am not but I was behaving like I am.

 

Good luck with your single man. Stay on your road to recovery and don't let that MM weasel his way into your life again.

[TandyLynn9]

I'm just popping in with a short update since for the 1st time all day exMM creeped into my head.

 

Still NC. And I don't mind it one bit! Still so thankful I took everyone's advice and stayed NC. OMG am I ever!

 

Had 2 wonderful dates with the single guy. And the 3rd is tonight. I am taking things slow and he's cool with that. I don't want this to be a rebound type situation as he really is a super nice guy.

 

It's just hard to believe I wasted the time and energy on all of it when I knew it was headed nowhere. Live and learn. No regrets just lessons learned.

[whichwayisup]

You need to divorce your husband before dating a single guys. Are you upfront with them? Do they know you're married?

[Hope Shimmers]

You need to divorce your husband before dating a single guys. Are you upfront with them? Do they know you're married?

 

"While I personally don't want to be married, long story, I do believe in relationships and monogamy, all of that."

 

She isn't married. He is.

[TandyLynn9]

Oh no I am not married. Never have been. And my LTR ended in Nov. I just made the mistake of getting involved with a MM a few months ago.

But no more!

[SoleMate]

NC is meant to protect YOU and help YOU heal and recover from the sad and ashamed feelings. Get your technology blocks up as high as humanly possible on all media, websites, portals and channels be they Internet or IRL.

 

Also, I strongly recommend you visit a family law or personal injury attorney and have him/her send a strongly worded "don't contact me" letter. That provides the best possible protection against future contact, which will inevitably be painful.

 

Good luck, it gets better but you need your NC up to protect you.