Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Grey Cloud]

Lemondrop, my heart sank when I read you had sex with him but only because I could see myself doing something like that! Maybe it's what you needed to do to fully realise he is not worth it.

 

Our situations are similar - MM has 2 weeks left before he leaves the office. His office is also where everything played out and it is going to be so weird seeing it empty and replaced by someone else. My allocated car bay at work is next to his in the car park. Again it will be so strange pulling into work with his car no longer there. It's the little reminders all over the place!

 

I know the feeling of MM saying he is working on his marriage and things are going well with the wife. He said that to me today, that his sex life with his wife has picked up again and things are back to 'normal' and are 'good' at home. It's the last thing I wanted to hear! I told him I no longer want to hear about his personal or sex life. But in the same sentence he was telling me he was 'aroused' by just having me sitting there opposite him in his office. Yeah, things are obviously going well for him at home for him to still make those comments to me!

 

I am counting down the days until he is out of my life for good.

[Grey Cloud]

OK. Here is my 2 cents. You do not need to write a NC letter. Take this piece of advice from someone who has written a lot of emails to xMM about how we should not be doing this anymore. You do not need to have that last drink. Just stop right now, this second. Think like a man does. I did not get any NC letter from xMM. It will make you look weak. Don't do it. You will regret it.

 

As for the sex and everything, it's done, you scratched the itch. You are in the power feeling - hold on to it. If you write a letter with all your feelings, you hand your power to him. Just trust me on this. The guy is a mess, let him sort his stuff out. I know you like/love him, whatever. Protect yourself. Back away. JMHO

 

You are so right! I have written so many emails to MM saying we can no longer do this and each time it does transfer the power to him. And it makes me look weak and pathetic. I am totally taking your advice and going to think like a man does from now onwards!!

[Miss Clavel]

 

Within about 5 minutes, we are both driving to my house to have sex. It was everything you would expect after 7 weeks of refraining; frantic, passionate, too quick. We lay there afterward for 20 minutes or so just holding each other. We both wanted not to feel bad about it but obviously you can't escape the guilt.

 

 

 

 

 

That conversation flipped my entire mentality. This man ended his affair with no D-Day, was working to save his marriage, felt that they were making progress and yet still threw that out the window with a five-minute impulsive decision (I realize I played my part, but this is about how I view him).

 

I no longer want any part in this. I know that I will continue to experience mixed emotions over time, but this weekend has brought me much more clarity and peace for the time being. I've been working on my NC letter and will deliver it at work sometime this week (I expect he'll keep his distance for at least the next several days).

 

 

did he ever read the last letter?

[lemondrop21]

Lemondrop, my heart sank when I read you had sex with him but only because I could see myself doing something like that! Maybe it's what you needed to do to fully realise he is not worth it.

 

Our situations are similar - MM has 2 weeks left before he leaves the office. His office is also where everything played out and it is going to be so weird seeing it empty and replaced by someone else. My allocated car bay at work is next to his in the car park. Again it will be so strange pulling into work with his car no longer there. It's the little reminders all over the place!

 

I know the feeling of MM saying he is working on his marriage and things are going well with the wife. He said that to me today, that his sex life with his wife has picked up again and things are back to 'normal' and are 'good' at home. It's the last thing I wanted to hear! I told him I no longer want to hear about his personal or sex life. But in the same sentence he was telling me he was 'aroused' by just having me sitting there opposite him in his office. Yeah, things are obviously going well for him at home for him to still make those comments to me!

 

I am counting down the days until he is out of my life for good.

 

Ew, I can't believe he specifically told you that his sex life was back on with his wife... Why would you want to know that detail? How appalling. When my xMM made the comment last week that he was getting his marriage back to a good place, I assumed that might include the sex but he did not specify and I did not pursue that information. I'm very sorry he said that to you.

 

The first few days of him being out of his office was weird, but I am now SO glad that he moved. This breakup feels real this week and I have no desire to see him, as all it will do is trigger me. I can't guarantee that I won't see him but now that he is in a different office there is much I can do to minimize the possibility.

 

I'm looking forward to when you start feeling better. Also, if you have sex with him "one last time" it likely won't be the same anyway. At one point I told him to "look at me" because I hated feeling like he couldn't look me in the eye. So I am advising against it. Also you know you are sharing him with his wife, per the information that he so kindly passed along to you.

[lemondrop21]

did he ever read the last letter?

 

I've written most of it but haven't delivered it yet. Now I'm debating whether to even bother.

[lemondrop21]

To clarify, in our conversation last week, we both agreed that the sex was a mistake and that we were still broken up. The NC letter would be to inform him that I am blocking all means of communication for both of our sakes. The other option is that I just do it without telling him. I have already blocked chat but not phone. Technically he could email me through work email or call my office but I think if he is blocked thru other methods he will get the picture and not bother me in that way.

[Grey Cloud]

Ew, I can't believe he specifically told you that his sex life was back on with his wife... Why would you want to know that detail? How appalling. When my xMM made the comment last week that he was getting his marriage back to a good place, I assumed that might include the sex but he did not specify and I did not pursue that information. I'm very sorry he said that to you.

 

The first few days of him being out of his office was weird, but I am now SO glad that he moved. This breakup feels real this week and I have no desire to see him, as all it will do is trigger me. I can't guarantee that I won't see him but now that he is in a different office there is much I can do to minimize the possibility.

 

I'm looking forward to when you start feeling better. Also, if you have sex with him "one last time" it likely won't be the same anyway. At one point I told him to "look at me" because I hated feeling like he couldn't look me in the eye. So I am advising against it. Also you know you are sharing him with his wife, per the information that he so kindly passed along to you.

 

I know, it was pretty tactless of him. What he was trying to say was that because he thought of me all the time he wanted to have sex with his wife less and less and when he did it wasn't that good. Now that he is supposedly focusing on his marriage again, lo and behold it's suddenly gone back to normal with his wife. Though I suppose everything he told me in the past could be lies.

 

I'm pretty sure he said it to get a reaction. And it worked. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day long

 

Hearing what you said about the office move has given me hope. I hope it will be like a breath of fresh air finally knowing that he is not around. As he is also a trigger for me when I see him in person or even hear his voice! Stupid I know.

[MidnightBlue1980]

To clarify, in our conversation last week, we both agreed that the sex was a mistake and that we were still broken up. The NC letter would be to inform him that I am blocking all means of communication for both of our sakes. The other option is that I just do it without telling him. I have already blocked chat but not phone. Technically he could email me through work email or call my office but I think if he is blocked thru other methods he will get the picture and not bother me in that way.

 

Don't do it. Again, you will lose that feeling of power if you send/give the letter. I am not a fan of blocking as I prefer to know I have the power to ignore him and I would go nuts wondering if he was trying to contact me. That said, I did defriend him on FB. We can only take so much.

 

I will tell you that our D day was around Christmas time and I sent a couple f really bad, sad, pathetic emails to which he never responded. I did see him in person and he said he still loved me, whatever that is worth. I held on for a few weeks, using any legitimate reason to contact him. Then I had a meltdown and sent a highly emotional email to him, Iguess that was 3 weeks ago now. No response. We saw each other again and I acted friendly and so did he, that was last week. But then we emailed for a bit a week ago and he acted like normal, pre A, and I realized, I can't do this. I don't want this guy for my friend. This is not a good friend. What happened was, I asked him about my email and he said he didn't remember. I know he was lying as I sent one email in a month - and he told me I could use that account. Then he said he had deleted that account. So I sent a test email and it went through - he was lying.

 

That moment I realized - I'm 43 and totally going under with this. He's lying , who knows why. I don't what is going on. I said, I know you are lying and he said, we both need to move on and he thought we did well today, didn't we? I never responded. I'll see him tomorrow, I am not his friend. I am not his anything. I will stay away from him. He's toxic.

 

So what does this have to do with you? Communication. I kept this crap alive way too long. My advice is to not send the letter. But its up to upi.

[Forceawakensme]

Im with Midnightblue..

 

Its been nearly a month for me since he ended it and i have made half-assed attempts to block him (and tell him im blocking him).. then unblock him to make sure he knows im blocking him -- and similarly cringeworthy 'im leaving.. watch me leave... stop me now.. its not too late.. "-.. 'this is official you're out of my life"- type comments. The reality is he was probably rolling his eyes thinking 'well then just do it dont tell me about it".

 

In hindsight i wish i had just deleted accounts and not said anything. The knowledge that he may email me and it bounces back is a nice pleasant little thought to go to bed to --

 

LS go dark honey... Just slip away like you are done. It might be nice to leave him wondering if you lost interest after how 'brief' the last experience was .. you know its all about their egos so thats a nice note to disappear on:). Leave him wondering and knowing he wasn't worth one more keystroke to you. Meanwhile, you move on with your dignity!

 

You'll get there honey! you're doing great.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[yodelwithyu]

Hey LemonDrop. Sorry to be late to reply. Been dealing with my own EXexMM. I am so sorry you went through that whole sex thing with him. Honestly, you are so much stronger than me. I don't know how I could come out of having had sex with exMM again. I hope you are doing ok. Have you sent to NC letter yet?

 

Thinking of you.

[lemondrop21]

So I've stayed off LS for a couple weeks now as I felt it was triggering me, and was trying to break my addiction to reading online about affairs... I think I've read everything there is to read about affairs and it was time to DO SOMETHING ELSE.

 

Anyway, here is my update. I am on Day 12 NC - day 1 was the day after the terrible post-sex conversation. His office move has helped tremendously with my healing as I now see him maybe twice/week at work, in the distance.

 

Thankfully, the sex that happened 2 weeks ago did not undo all of my healing. I have not repeated the awful, terrible first couple weeks post-breakup (that was in early January, almost 6 weeks ago now). The fits of sobbing, the insomnia, and worst of all the longing that consumed every part of my body, has died down. There was one bad day, day 4 of NC, when I was sobbing in the bathroom and also just wanted sex with him SO badly. But I got through it.

 

I'm not gonna say it's been easy though. It's really a rollercoaster. To summarize the good and the bad:

 

Good things I've done:

 

• Started working out regularly again
  
• Am seeing friends frequently
  
• Organized a group outing last weekend
  
• Started chatting with a couple guys on Tinder (not that I'm gonna get into anything serious now but it's nice to flirt a bit).
  
• Booked 2 trips; one in early April alone (I like traveling solo) and one in early June to visit a friend.
  

 

Not as good things I've gone through:

 

• A couple bad habits resurfaced last week... not gonna get into details but I immediately brought them to my therapists' attention and she's gonna keep checking in with me about them. Doing better this week.
  
• I had to face the facts and drop my course for my masters program... again. I probably could have scraped through it, but with a poor grade and without learning as much as I'd like. I'll likely restart it in 6 weeks, at the end of March. I keep telling myself that's not so far off. At this point, the emotional drama of the A has set me a whole 9 months behind in my masters program. That fact in itself is a huge.
  

The past couple days I've been going through some of the "bargaining" stage where part of me wants the A back. I started reading some of that "how to get your ex boyfriend back" crap online even though this is a very different situation from a normal breakup. I know, it's ridiculous. Essentially, if I try and "get him back" and revert back to the way things were before, I am saying that I'm okay with potentially being a homewrecker (if he gets caught and w leaves). Obviously that's not REALLY what I want to do.

 

 

The one aspect of this that has helped me is that a lot of these "get your ex back" sites advocate going NC for a designated period of time - at least 30 days in most cases. So I have told myself, I have to AT MINIMUM push it to 30 days and then I can reassess the situation. Hopefully by the time I hit 30 days I'll be done with this "stage" and will have no desire to restart things.

 

 

I admit I'm surprised that he hasn't tried to reach out in some way. Yes, it hurts. But I know it's for the best...

[Grey Cloud]

Lemon drop - I have been wondering how you have been doing, I think because we are similar in that our AP's were co-workers. Everything I have read is that the first month of NC is the hardest. I would try and even set a goal longer than 30 days as you may only be on the brink of recovery by then. I know you had all that NC back in January but all the "experts" say that NC re-sets if there is contact again. And having sex is definitely that, LOL! Seriously though, do you really want him back? And go through all that emotional pain again for a few brief highs here and there? That is what I continue to remind myself, that the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages. You need to give yourself some decent time to see if you can truly break the longing and addiction. Let's be in NC together and come here first if we are thinking of breaking it. And that might be enough to get us through another day

[LimeBlue]

Reading what you say about the A setting your masters degree back really resonates with me. I too am busy doing my masters degree, and my A set me back a whole year. Only in the last two weeks have I managed to get back on track with it. What is sad is my education means a lot to me because I am too smart NOT to study, and yet I allowed him to derail that completely. Between the up and downs, the depression, him blowing hot and cold, it all had a huge impact on my studies and I had to quit temporarily because of him and the A.

 

This past Saturday I was discarded like trash once again, and for the first time ever i am feeling truly hateful towards him, so much so that if he dares to contact me again i will consider action against him. He is too cruel and evil (yet goes to church every Sunday), and I am finally seeing him for the beast he truly is.

 

I am going to join you on the 30 days, each day that passes gets us closer. I can't wait for the day I can say "yay no contact for a whole year".

 

You are doing well LD, keep going. x

[Lovetoohard]

Congrats on the good things you've done! As for the not so good things, we're human and we all have a few bumps here and there - the important part is that you recognize these things and you're now proactively managing them. You will get back on track soon enough.

 

A lot of what you're going through is all too familiar to me. I too was at the bargaining stage against all logic and was looking up stuff about getting an ex back and ex bf recovery and whatnot. If you look at the title of one of my early threads, it's "will he come back?" because I was precisely where you are right now. I'm actually laughing as I write this because it's SO absurd that I likened XMM to a regular ex boyfriend. SO not the same! That said, at minimum 30 days of complete NC was when I started feeling better. So maybe there is some truth to that.

 

As far as the longing and sex, I've been there too (and still think about wanting him at times). It's like this physical yearning to want to hold him and feel him. Those feelings were pretty intense starting out but have stabilized.

 

Keep up with all of the positive things you are doing. I too, occasionally take a break from here. People, myself included, turn to LS during their darkest times and sometimes I really wish people would post more success stories and how life turned out just fine for them after the A, but then again, they're probably living happily ever after, just like you, me and everyone else on here will eventually.

[lemondrop21]

I feel numb and depressed today but have no desire to break NC. What would he even say to me anyway? No matter what would happen, I'd go back to feeling like sh** pretty quickly.

 

I've been doing okay overall. Have been exercising almost every day, which I think really helps.

 

I had two dates over the weekend and one was very intense. He has been a friend for awhile but I think I have been stringing him along a bit. He wants me to make a decision this week about whether we are actually dating, or just friends. I don't think I can be the person he deserves to date right now so it's going to have to stay just friends for the time being.

 

While I feel very down today, I got a few days of positive feelings from the dates. It's nice to be appreciated and pursued by men who are actually single and who recognize that I'm worth a real relationship.

 

Next on the healing agenda will be finding the strength to shut down our private email account. I saw that exMM checked it 4 days ago (looked at the login record on gmail). Gave me a little mental boost, but I know in the long term that's not healthy. Please don't b*tch at me about how it's not real NC... there has been no communication thru the email account and I WILL delete it in time, it's just a step I have to get to. Like when you finally rip up all the photos and throw them in a dumpster, or whatever. Doesn't usually happen on day 2.

 

GreyCloud, you mentioned on another thread about your exMM's old office. Mine is also shut and lights out (he moved to a different area of the building). I still instinctively look towards it every day when I walk in and it makes me a little sad. That said, it helps SO much that he moved away. I almost think that had he not moved offices, we would be back in the A at this stage. We were just too physically close to allow for proper space and healing, when his office was so close to mine.

 

Right now I am hating this process, but am proud of myself for getting to Day 18. It sounds so long.

Edited February 22, 2016 by lemondrop21

[Grey Cloud]

I feel numb and depressed today but have no desire to break NC. What would he even say to me anyway? No matter what would happen, I'd go back to feeling like sh** pretty quickly.

 

I've been doing okay overall. Have been exercising almost every day, which I think really helps.

 

I had two dates over the weekend and one was very intense. He has been a friend for awhile but I think I have been stringing him along a bit. He wants me to make a decision this week about whether we are actually dating, or just friends. I don't think I can be the person he deserves to date right now so it's going to have to stay just friends for the time being.

 

While I feel very down today, I got a few days of positive feelings from the dates. It's nice to be appreciated and pursued by men who are actually single and who recognize that I'm worth a real relationship.

 

Next on the healing agenda will be finding the strength to shut down our private email account. I saw that exMM checked it 4 days ago (looked at the login record on gmail). Gave me a little mental boost, but I know in the long term that's not healthy. Please don't b*tch at me about how it's not real NC... there has been no communication thru the email account and I WILL delete it in time, it's just a step I have to get to. Like when you finally rip up all the photos and throw them in a dumpster, or whatever. Doesn't usually happen on day 2.

 

GreyCloud, you mentioned on another thread about your exMM's old office. Mine is also shut and lights out (he moved to a different area of the building). I still instinctively look towards it every day when I walk in and it makes me a little sad. That said, it helps SO much that he moved away. I almost think that had he not moved offices, we would be back in the A at this stage. We were just too physically close to allow for proper space and healing, when his office was so close to mine.

 

Right now I am hating this process, but am proud of myself for getting to Day 18. It sounds so long.

 

Thanks for the update. Just think you are over half way to getting to day 30 (when it supposedly starts getting easier?). I would find it SO HARD if I had to see xMM from a distance a few times per week. At least now he like a ghost - still haunting me with reminders at work but no longer any physical evidence. I am sure you start thinking about everything again when you do see him from a distance. You are doing so well though! Stay strong!

[Adoraxx]

Hi lemondrop,

How are you today? Does your xMM know about the activity account button too? A lot of people don't know about it, I think. xMM and also have our private gmail account and I'm quite embarrassed to admit that I check daily if he has logged in, but he hasn't done so for a long time now :/. I should delete the account but that's soooo hard, I know how you feel about that!!

I've been NC for more than 100 days now (with one minor run in in between ; he is my neighbor) and I can't say that I'm feeling any better yet.

[lemondrop21]

Hi lemondrop,

How are you today? Does your xMM know about the activity account button too? A lot of people don't know about it, I think. xMM and also have our private gmail account and I'm quite embarrassed to admit that I check daily if he has logged in, but he hasn't done so for a long time now :/. I should delete the account but that's soooo hard, I know how you feel about that!!

I've been NC for more than 100 days now (with one minor run in in between ; he is my neighbor) and I can't say that I'm feeling any better yet.

 

I don't think exMM knows how to check the activity log. If he does, well, that's embarrassing because I've logged into the account like 15 times more than he has. Oops.

 

No progress after 100 days? I'm gonna go read your story as I can't remember the details. I hope you start doing better soon, 100 days is a very long time. Hugs to you.

[lemondrop21]

yes very good:laugh:

 

As I noted we are now 18 days complete NC. Everything has stopped. I'm very aware that an EA is still an A.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Good for you! 18 days IS a long time!!

 

I'm 6 weeks out (plus a few days) and it gets easier... and then not as easy. This site is super triggering for me, I think. I read all these interview's with cheating men this weekend and it just made me think of him so much, what his answers would be, etc etc. Not good. I woke up thinking about him this morning. I accidentally signed into our texting app last night. I think it was over a week since I was there. He hadn't been there since Thursday. I wish every day that I knew if he still thought about me or missed me. I know I shouldn't but that's the truth and I can't help it.

 

I'm starting my workouts again this week. I had surgery so I was on a long break but I know it's going to make me feel better. I also have some other stuff I want to do like limit my social media time and read before bed (and not my ipad!) A little at a time, right?

 

I'm so excited that you had dates! It sucks that the timing is wrong with your friend (do you actually like him? would you like to date him?) but you have to go with your heart. How was the other date?

[Lovetoohard]

I feel numb and depressed today but have no desire to break NC. What would he even say to me anyway? No matter what would happen, I'd go back to feeling like sh** pretty quickly.

 

I've been doing okay overall. Have been exercising almost every day, which I think really helps.

 

I had two dates over the weekend and one was very intense. He has been a friend for awhile but I think I have been stringing him along a bit. He wants me to make a decision this week about whether we are actually dating, or just friends. I don't think I can be the person he deserves to date right now so it's going to have to stay just friends for the time being.

 

While I feel very down today, I got a few days of positive feelings from the dates. It's nice to be appreciated and pursued by men who are actually single and who recognize that I'm worth a real relationship.

 

Next on the healing agenda will be finding the strength to shut down our private email account. I saw that exMM checked it 4 days ago (looked at the login record on gmail). Gave me a little mental boost, but I know in the long term that's not healthy. Please don't b*tch at me about how it's not real NC... there has been no communication thru the email account and I WILL delete it in time, it's just a step I have to get to. Like when you finally rip up all the photos and throw them in a dumpster, or whatever. Doesn't usually happen on day 2.

 

GreyCloud, you mentioned on another thread about your exMM's old office. Mine is also shut and lights out (he moved to a different area of the building). I still instinctively look towards it every day when I walk in and it makes me a little sad. That said, it helps SO much that he moved away. I almost think that had he not moved offices, we would be back in the A at this stage. We were just too physically close to allow for proper space and healing, when his office was so close to mine.

 

Right now I am hating this process, but am proud of myself for getting to Day 18. It sounds so long.

 

Proud of you for getting to Day 18! Don't be too hard on yourself when you hit a bad day. Feel what you need to feel. I've had days where I wake up and am bombarded with thoughts of him and have no desire to muster the energy to get out of bed. Or little things like a favorite restaurant or a song would result in the rest of the day being blah. I have more good days than bad at this point, but it's not like I can erase my memories and turn off the emotional switch and never have bad days. In fact, I had to drive past my old office building a couple days ago and my stomach did a flip when I looked up at the building to see my old office window and his, a mere 3 doors down. It felt sad and bittersweet at the same time.

 

There is nothing wrong with getting nostalgic and logging into your guys' shared email account. You know you don't want to get into that whole mess again, so that's the important part. I think people get tripped up with nostalgic moments and initiating contact when they haven't come to terms with the fact that re-opening those floodgates will only result in more of the same, if not worse. I haven't deleted pics or texts or thrown out gifts from my xMM. I can't get myself to do it. They're out of sight, but I still have them.

 

I agree with your decision on being friends only with the guy you went out on a date with. It's probably not fair to him or you to get into anything. Keep doing what your'e doing....it'll get easier.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[imperfectangel]

I haven't heard from my mm since the end of January I haven't contacted him for a week. It's hard I completely feel your pain - PMme if you like. I'm dying to know if he misses me if he even wanted me or was I just a ego boost etc I doubt the latter but it's so hard NC sucks.

 

Do people at your work know of your affair? Do you have much support there?

[RRM321]

If it were me, I'd simply imagine myself with the MM trying to explain to his 4 year old daughter why the marriage counseling with mommy didn't see to be effective.

 

If NC doesn't come easily after lying to a 4 year old, then that's a good sign you're made for each other.

[imperfectangel]

If it were me, I'd simply imagine myself with the MM trying to explain to his 4 year old daughter why the marriage counseling with mommy didn't see to be effective.

 

If NC doesn't come easily after lying to a 4 year old, then that's a good sign you're made for each other.

 

 

 

That's not really fair. This is the om/ow forum. We're here to support each other not tear each other down. No woman can make any man cheat.

[RRM321]

That's not really fair. This is the om/ow forum. We're here to support each other not tear each other down. No woman can make any man cheat.

 

If you really want a solution and the OP began by wanting to get out - then it's necessary to face the reality of what you are engaging in. It's not fair to describe an affair by excluding it's most vulnerable and involuntary participants.

 

The key to cheating is closing your eyes and your mind. That's why it's called a "fog."

 

If you want a reason to exit - then focus on the most vulnerable person involved and pray that you're a person of enough compassion to care about them.

Edited February 22, 2016 by RRM321