Why we bash cheating men, but feel bad for cheating women.

[Tristram]

You were also wrong on saying that I wanted to hurt my exhusband deep down. That was not the case at all.

 

I apologize. As I said I do not know you well enough to say. But I do know some people do just that.

 

I wasn't even really considering his feelings at that point. That's what infidelity does to you. It causes you not to see things clearly. It took a full year after my indiscretion for me to even feel like myself again.

 

And that is why I consider cheating a selfish act.

 

What you are doing is not accepting blame for any part that you might have had in this. That is what I'm trying to get you to see. There are others here- Thumbing My way, Lady Jane, who DO see the parts that they played in their spouses cheating- whether physical or emotional affairs.

 

It is difficult to accept responsibility for something you are still trying to figure out. However no matter what need she may have had. It still does not excuse what she did. I could have done the same, which is how I know one can say NO and not cheat.

 

I personally could not ever see myself in a relationship with a man who was so bitter as to blame the entire collapse of his marriage on the other person. Until you accept responsibility for what you've done wrong you will never be able to heal and move forward.

 

At some point, she had some resentment towards you that was allowed to fester. It's not any different for men or women. There is almost always something missing in the marriage that causes this to happen. That's not to say you didn't do everything you THOUGHT she wanted or needed- it's just probably for her something was missing. I am certainly not implying that you are a bad person at all. I do find it interesting though that you're talking of morals and such, but yet you're taking the same approach that your wife did in being secretive. You're planning to leave her unless "she straightens up". Well, mending a marriage is about forgiveness and working together to make things better.

 

She did not sit down and tell me what she was wanting. How is that my fault? How come woman automatically expect all men to be mind readers? It is not our fault in the least if we are not aware of a problem to begin with.

And no I am not being secretive. I thought about that myself and told her what I was planning last night, so she does know. What she doesnt know is when. Which is something I am not sure of myself. It will be when I feel any further continuation is futile and non-productive. Far as forgiveness, I have not forgiven yet. I am not the kind of person that can do so easily. I have given her a second chance. A chance at redemtion. When I feel secure that this will not happen again and she is truly sorry for what she has done, then I will forgive her. That is just how I am. I do not trust easily and she knows that. And yes it is on her! I left, she is the one that wants to keep the marriage more. At this point I do not care one way or the other. As I said, if it wasnt for the fact that I love her, this would be a non-issue as I would be long gone.

 

I've been posting here for a while now, and my reputation for telling it like it is speaks for itself. I'm the only female on this board who has the guts to stand up and tell her story about being unfaithful and stick around. Let me tell you, I'm not doing it for my own sake. I'm doing it to help some of the men who come here and women too, that can't understand the other side of infidelity. You can sit there and be hard hearted and think I don't know what I'm talking about if you want to, and it doesn't apply to you and that's fine. The fact of the matter is, I've lived it and I've been there.

 

I'll admit you have helped perk my curiosity on what makes women cheaters tick. Far as applying, maybe so. I am still trying to figure that out. Far as hard hearted. You should know full well there is only so much one can take before they just don't give a s***. However I still am not going to compromise what I believe in over her or anyone else. I may be stubborn, but I am not unwilling to compromise. I may be lacking in knowledge, but I learn.

 

Far as the point I am trying to make with all this. There is no excuse for cheating period. There is always another way.

 

P.S. This could be quite interesting converse. Reason being I also flat out say what is on my mind. Perhaps we may learn something from one another. As we are obviously on completly different sides.

[Ladyjane14]

Perhaps we may learn something from one another.

 

EXACTLY. Mz Pixie is an invaluable resource.....and if she's willing to donate some of her time to you, it would be only wisdom to pay attention to her insight.

[TUDOR]

I believe that I said that yes, I allowed myself to cheat. Where in my posts do I ever say anything like that the other guy forced himself on me or anything else remotely like that?? I didn't ALLOW myself to be vulnerable, I was vulnerable. Human beings are not robots. You were also wrong on saying that I wanted to hurt my exhusband deep down. That was not the case at all. I wasn't even really considering his feelings at that point. That's what infidelity does to you. It causes you not to see things clearly. It took a full year after my indiscretion for me to even feel like myself again.

 

What you are doing is not accepting blame for any part that you might have had in this. That is what I'm trying to get you to see. There are others here- Thumbing My way, Lady Jane, who DO see the parts that they played in their spouses cheating- whether physical or emotional affairs.

 

Here is a prime example. The man that is my husband now. His wife cheated on him early into the marriage and carried on a long term affair before leaving him. It wasn't a short fling, it was staying out all night and not coming home and stuff like that. As a matter of fact, she was pregnant by the OM before their divorce was final. You know what he did? He went to marriage counseling on his own. Even though she was the one who cheated, he fully admitted he'd made mistakes in the marriage that might have pushed her in that direction. He accepted responsibility for the things that he did that caused the marriage to end. Did he sit up there and say "Ohhh because she screwed around I'm perfect and it's totally her fault or What she did was so much worse than what I did" No, he did not because he understood he was not perfect. He wanted to know the mistakes that he made so that whenever he attempted a relationship the next time, he would know what NOT to do. I personally could not ever see myself in a relationship with a man who was so bitter as to blame the entire collapse of his marriage on the other person. Until you accept responsibility for what you've done wrong you will never be able to heal and move forward.

 

Very very rarely is the person who strays a heartless, manipulating, person who just runs out to cheat to hurt their spouse. Those people are considered serial cheaters. I'm basing my statements on research that I've done on this subject and the countless posts that we've had on this subject on this board and another board I'm a member of. There are too many things that go into play into a marriage that no one knows except the persons involved. At some point, she had some resentment towards you that was allowed to fester. It's not any different for men or women. There is almost always something missing in the marriage that causes this to happen. That's not to say you didn't do everything you THOUGHT she wanted or needed- it's just probably for her something was missing. I am certainly not implying that you are a bad person at all. I do find it interesting though that you're talking of morals and such, but yet you're taking the same approach that your wife did in being secretive. You're planning to leave her unless "she straightens up". Well, mending a marriage is about forgiveness and working together to make things better.

 

I've been posting here for a while now, and my reputation for telling it like it is speaks for itself. I'm the only female on this board who has the guts to stand up and tell her story about being unfaithful and stick around. Let me tell you, I'm not doing it for my own sake. I'm doing it to help some of the men who come here and women too, that can't understand the other side of infidelity. You can sit there and be hard hearted and think I don't know what I'm talking about if you want to, and it doesn't apply to you and that's fine. The fact of the matter is, I've lived it and I've been there.

 

 

I think you just made my favorites list! Great post!

[Topper]

Seems this has gone slightly off subject.

First i think we need to say what cheating is or at least the degrees of cheating. For men and yes some woman you can have a pure sexual affair. It is about sex and that's it.

Then there is the Emotional cheating. In those affairs IMHO It is a much worse situation. All the feeling and emotions all the things that you should be investing in your wife or husband is now going to someone else.

I do understand the pain and the pressure of being neglected and in a loveless marriage. Personally speaking for men the situation is far worse then most woman. Woman tend to vent to their girlfriends and get sympathy and consoling. Men on the other hand have little in the way of an outlet for their frustrations and feeling of neglect and loneliness. Men just can't and don't talk to other men about whats going on. I mean would you tell the guys at the Office I haven't had sex with my wife in a year? Or your golfing buddies?

For years I felt the only thing my wife wanted from me was my paycheck and to fix things around the House. As long as I paid the bills and helped keep the house looking good she put up with me.

Women do tend to cheat more for emotional reasons and they put on the good show to justify their actions. Other woman tend to give them a sympathetic ear.

For men that are neglected and feel they are in an empty marriage often the first woman that will listen to him and shows any any sign of sympathy is the one they have an affair with.

[Mz. Pixie]

LJ- thanks for the backup lady!

 

Tudor- thanks for the compliment on the post

 

Tristam-

 

I went back and read your original post again as to what happened with your marriage. I'm not sure if I even posted on the original thread. Your discovery is fairly recent it seems so that may be why you are reacting the way you are.

 

I wanted to say that I call bull**** on two things in your wife's story- 1. the part where she says she did it because she was curious and 2. the part where she says neither one of them orgasmed. Not sure if you've done further digging or if she's been more truthful but I would suspect there is alot more to this story than you know. Very rarely are they completely truthful until you have them "balls to the wall" so to speak.

 

When you said that she had not told you something was wrong, I can understand that. My husbands ex wife also did this. He would ask and ask and she would always say "Nothing." He says the major mistake that he made was not insisting that she talk to him about what was bothering her. In other words, he still thinks that he made a mistake in that part too! It's true that men are not mind readers, and I fully agree in asking for what you want. That's something that I learned in my marriage. Two good books for you would be "His Needs, Her Needs-How to affair proof your marriage" and "The Five Love Languages" Both deal with the different needs that each partner has. You can also use the five love languages to find out what your wifes love language is. For instance- my love languages are 1. Affection and 2. Acts of Service. In my first marriage, I went around performing both of these- because that's what I wanted- when my exh's love language was probably something altogether different. In reading the books, you will understand more of what I'm talking about. That is probably something that would be good for you and your wife to do together.

 

It sounds like your wife really is sorry. I hope that the two of you are able to work it out because of your family. Here's a thought- why don't you ask her what it was that was missing from your marriage that made her think she had to do this?? She may say, "Nothing" but then again she may tell you what it was. That way you could work on it and make things better than they ever were before- that would give you the window to open up a discussion about how you would like things to change should you stay together.

[Juliet2]

I am not saying this is the case all the time...but I can honestly say this is usually the case.

 

WOMEN...usually cheat when emotional needs are not being met.

MEN...usually cheat when sexual needs are not being met.

 

We as women have sympathy for women going through emotional pain.

 

We as women do not have sympathy for men because we see thier reasons as selfish. We also tend to think if the men met the women's emotional needs the sex will follow.

Therefore we often blame the men.

[lindya]

WOMEN...usually cheat when emotional needs are not being met.

MEN...usually cheat when sexual needs are not being met.

[/b]

 

So why is "my wife doesn't understand me" still such a popular line? Or is "understand" code for a rude word?

[Yikes]

There was a pretty good discussion last February about why people cheat.

 

One of my first posts on the subject was this:

 

_____________

 

"When it comes to cheating the "why" is irrelavent. Wrong is wrong. If you feel the need to be with someone else (what ever your reason), then behave like a grown-up. Tell your partner, part ways and go screw yourself silly. Don't disrespect them by sneaking around behind their back.

 

I am not saying that people don't have good reasons to look for something else. Some may have excellent reasons to want something more and it's often very complicated... BUT DON"T CHEAT!

 

______________

 

After months of discussions on these boards and doing a post-mortum of my own marriage, I think that I had it all wrong. I no longer see it as being as black and white as I used to.

 

People have all sorts of reasons on why they are unhappy with their relationships. Sometimes people exhaust all avenues before they finally cheat. Sometimes people don't. I now think the "why" is very relavent. If we don't understand the "why" then chances are we will find ourselves in the same mess all over again.

 

I was not the perfect husband and I know that. I am determined not to make the same mistakes whenever I decide to let someone close again.

 

Below was another post of mine:

 

_______________

 

I understand all about feelings. I understand why someone might be unhappy in their present relationship. What I don't understand is how someone could crap all over someone they once loved. I personally couldn't do that. If things got so bad that my marriage was doomed, I'd get out. Let's face it, having an affair is not going to help matters any, but make things worse.

 

I can get my head around the fact that my wife was feeling emotionally disconnected. I can get my head around the fact that she developed feelings for my "ex best friend". The problem that I have is what they did about it. Call me crazy, but I have a problem with being lied to, cheated on and being used - I'm funny that way.

______________

 

I still pretty much feel the same way, however my stance has softened a little in that I reminded myself that we are all human. Being human means that we sometimes make mistakes, we are sometimes weak. We sometimes hurt those we love. I do have very little patience for people who continually lie and cheat. In cases like that, it's not so much a mistake but more a pattern of selfish behaviour with no regard for anyone but themselves.

 

I know that in my case, my hurt and anger at times made it difficult for me to see clearly what others in these forums were respectfully trying to point out.

 

We are all human and we will make mistakes. Making a mistake does not necessarily make you a bad person it makes you human. The worst mistakes however, are the ones that we didn't learn from.

 

Just my opinion. I've been wrong before - just ask my ex-wife!

 

Yikes!

[Mz. Pixie]

:love:

 

Mad love to ya bayyyyyybeeee!

[mike from the bronxs]

ok..........but what aabout when the man is hurt by his wife verbaly mean to him and put his past in his face, and always complain and he does all he can for his kids and his wife and the only thing she can do is be even more mean with her words. is that a good reason to cheat with some who talks and has time to listen to you as well u listening to her. and when she wants to just talk and that it me being a man.... for the first time in my life i just want to listen. would that make me not be a scum bag if i cheat???????????

I recently read a thread where a guy had cheated on his girlfried with three different women, then wanted advice on how to tell her.

 

We bashed the heck out of him, because we thought it was a really crummy thing he did.

 

Not a week later, I read a thread where a woman cheated on her husband, and was worried that he was going to cheat to get back at her.

 

Everyone including myself was sympathetic to her.

 

Why?

 

Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason.

 

Whenever a WOMAN cheats and tells us about it, it's because her husband "neglected" her, or ignored her, or abused her....

 

Apparently, women tend to have (and this is NOT ALWAYS) totally different reasons for having affairs than men do.

 

So now, to all those people who are always asking, "How come whenever a man cheats, he's scum, but whenever a woman cheats, everyone says, 'aw, I'm sorry'" this is your reason. Majority of the women who cheat do so because they have lost all connection with their husband, and their husband is not interested in making it right, and the woman feels totally unattractive...when along comes someone she can have an affair with. Majority of the men who cheat have some hot woman that tears their attention away from their average wife at home.

[Mz. Pixie]

Mike,

 

You obviously have needs that your wife isn't meeting. Have you suggested marriage counseling for the problems????

 

It's easy to fall into the thinking that the other person understands you better than your spouse. That other person also never has to see you first thing in the morning, having the stomach flu, juggle bills with you or take care of sick kids.

 

Why is your wife so angry?? What are these past mistakes you are referring to?? You haven't given us enough information.

 

I don't believe it makes you a terrible person to WANT to have your needs met. What is the mistake is crossing the line into wanting it and then actually making it happen. I know, because I've been there and I can sit back and now say it was wrong for me to do so.

 

When you get caught, and you will people will not care what she did to you- you'll only be seen as a cheater- and that's reality. How do you think you can live with that and your children live with that???

[Kenyth]

It's recent social progress that hasn't completed yet. The advancement of womens responsibilities has not yet caught up to the advancement of womens rights. The written law is relatively easy to change in comparison to the unwritten social gender expectations and moral standards.

[ColoradoGal]

Those are the stereotypical justifications and excuses given but the core reasons can be any number of things.

 

The real difference is that women get away with not taking accountability for their actions moreso than men do. Women are allowed to be unstable, men are expected to be in control.

 

Women also seem to have a hard time grasping the concept that men have needs too.

 

 

Totally disagree...what about when men and women who aren't married and having sex? Men are expected then to "sow their oats" and have sex with many women before they settle down, yet women who "sow their oats" still to this day are labeled many unkind names.