imtrying211 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 It's been a little over 3 weeks since the break up, and I'm slowly moving through the healing process. I've accepted that it's over, but am still hurting. I feel like I'm really losing it and don't know what to do. I am consumed by anger, anger towards him for breaking my heart, and anger at myself for getting involved with him in the first place. I see my ex at work and have to fight the urge to confront him. There's so much I want to say, but at the same time I don't have anything to say to him. I miss him, but at the same time am disgusted by him. The more I think about the situation the more angry I get. He's already back with his ex, probably went straight there when he left me. I feel like our entire relationship was a lie, it meant nothing, I meant nothing to him. I keep telling myself that none of it matters, that I have to move on, but it's eating away at me. How do I let go of this burning anger? How do I stop myself from thinking of the 2 of them together? I know there's no easy fix, and with time these thoughts/feelings will fade, but right now I am struggling to keep it together.
Ruby65 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 Oh wow, I can really relate to your post. My last breakup, I got left for someone else -- and I couldn't even believe the anger I felt afterwards. There's nothing that's ever made me so mad or hurt so much... nothing. It happened right before the holidays, too. So there I was, picturing them so blissful in their honeymoon phase all through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve and (god help me) Valentine's Day. I honestly was scared at myself. I'd just get hit with these waves of pure anger, out of nowhere -- in the shower, waking me up at night, doing chores or working. It wasn't at all like me. I don't have any magic formula to help you get those thoughts out of your head... for me, it took many months for the anger to start to gradually fade away. One thing that really helped, which sounds crazy, but it worked: hitting the punching bag at the gym. I guess boxing is good for working out aggression, who knew? But yeah, I'd picture my ex's face on that bag and go to town.... and funny thing was, I really would feel better afterwards. Basically what helped the most was finding physical release for the emotional pain. So, lots of exercise, lots of cardio. Long walks -- in nature especially. Spinning. Boxing. I didn't try yoga but I bet that would be good, too. Also, look to natural sedatives to help ease you through -- I used Valerian capsules, cammomile tea, St. John's Wort and for help sleeping I used Melatonin. There's also homeopathic remedies and Bach's Rescue Remedy which is made from flowers and meant to promote calm. Google this stuff, they all really work! Aside from this, work on ACCEPTANCE of your anger. You're justified because even if he didn't leave you for his ex, he went right back to her and that SUCKS. Anger, don't forget, is one of the Five Stages of Grief we all go through when processing loss... so it is perfectly normal and healthy. Don't put yourself down for it. Have you seen this guide? It will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck to you!
joseb Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 Yeah punching bag is a good idea. Any exercise helps really. Don't try to suppress the anger, it can be a healthy emotion (I don't mean confront him or anything though!) but exercise is a really good outlet. I like hikes in the mountains or cycling up really big steep hills. 1
Tone Loc Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) You've answered your own questions. It's so tough simply to let go of the anger and resentment, I'm in exactly the same situation as you and I can say it's very difficult just to ignore all these negative emotions. As you said, time is the only cure for these feelings. The passage of time will surely soothe any pain and release the anger, but it takes time. So just hang in there, be tough, I know it must be hard to have to see him at work and to handle the knowledge that he's back with his ex and chose her over you. But look on the bright side, it wasn't all bad, I'm sure you had your good moments and you should look back on this as a good thing. He did you a favour by dumping you now instead of carrying on with the relationship. It's a good thing, might not seem like it now, but you're free to live your life. Allow yourself plenty of time to move on, what you're feeling is normal, lots of us are feeling the anger and pain. Just try your best to get through it, it will get better and you'll look back on this time of your life and you can be proud of yourself for staying strong and staying level-headed. You'll meet someone much better, someone who'll care about you and appreciate you and who won't hurt you. You're not going to always feel like this, remind yourself that this is just a temporary thing, it's a phase. Soon you'll be completely over him and you won't even care about what goes on in his life. Edited May 6, 2015 by Tone Loc
Satu Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 The key to dealing with anger is externalising it. You can do this by: Speaking about it to a trustworthy person, writing about it, or any other means of expression that works for you. Anger is very physical, so physical ways of externalising it can be be particularly helpful. Some examples are: Going to a place where nobody can hear you and shouting it out as loud as you can, for as long as you can. Hitting a punch bag until you can't punch any more. Breaking something, and then breaking the fragments, until the pieces are small enough to grind beneath your boot/shoe. Slashing up cardboard boxes (psycho-style) with a big knife. ( This was a favourite of mine ) You can think about this and come up with your own ideas. 1
na49 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 The only way you can stop thinking about them together is to stop thinking about them together. There's no magic trick sadly. Thinking about my ex is probably the most comfortable thing I can think of, and I can spend hours just thinking of her. My ex left me twice, most recently for someone else, got dumped by him, pretended to want me back, and is now with someone completely new. Talk about a mindf*ck. The only way I can get myself to stop thinking about her is to catch myself, and think about something else. Distracting yourself will give you less time to think about him, but if you want to not think of him as much, you'll need to work on it. (and I know how difficult it is. It's not like I'm able to stop thinking about my ex yet) I think exercising is a good way to let out your anger.
Author imtrying211 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 Thanks everyone for your suggestions and words of wisdom. I do need to find a healthy outlet for all this anger I'm feeling. Being at work is especially hard. I started a journal shortly after the breakup which has helped some, but not with what I'm feeling now. I know confronting him is a bad idea, but I wonder if it would help me (I know you're all going to say no!). I feel like I need to let all of this out and not keep it bottled up. I'm sure other people are tired of hearing about it, I know I'm tired of hearing my own thoughts about it!
Ruby65 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 What would you say to him if you could? Write it out -- pages and pages and pages if necessary! One huge long rant. Post it here or keep it private, you'll be surprised how much it can help. But no, contacting him isn't going to help you feel better... only worse.
Author imtrying211 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 There is so much I would say to him, and none of it would be said in hopes of getting him back. It would be for me, for my release, for my own sanity, letting him know how I see things. But I know it's not worth it. I have my moments of clarity (like right now) when I realize talking to him is not something I need to do, it's more what I want to do, and doing what you want is not always in your best interest. I'm going to stick to no contact for as long as possible, I need to, even if I don't want to.
KatZee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I dealt with this same thing three years ago. My thread is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/336622-how-do-i-get-past-anger I did e-mail him. Not in the hopes of getting him back, wanting a response, or anything else. In fact, after I sent the e-mail I blocked him entirely. I didn't care what he had to say, if anything. I sent it for me. He knew what I thought of him, how I felt about him. I don't even think you're on the same level of fury that I was on. I would literally walk around my apartment talking to myself, cursing him out. There was not one second, of any minute, of any hour during any day, that I wasn't cursing him, or wishing him a slow painful death. Hate is too mild of a word of what I felt for him. I thought I was literally going insane, and thought it would never go away. Step 1 for me was to let him know how I felt. I knew that if I never told him, it would fester, I would regret never telling him, and I'd never be able to release it. So I told him. Step 2 was ridding him completely out of my life. Things, on social media, everywhere, he was thrown out. Step 3 was the big one. Forgiving myself. I realized that a lot of my anger wasn't towards him, it was towards myself. Yes, he was a gigantic pile of $_h!t. He was, and still is. And he will never be forgiven in my eyes. However, the majority of the rage was at myself, for staying with a person who treated me so horribly. For allowing him to walk all over me, take advantage of me, cheat on me multiple times. I had the choice to leave and do the right thing for myself, instead, I put HIM first. And that's where my anger came from. I should NEVER have put him first, I should NEVER have allowed any of the crap he did to me to happen. I had the power to stop it, I didn't. Once I forgave myself, the anger started to subside. It definitely took months. I was in anger for a good number of months, maybe 4-6. Can't remember exactly.
Author imtrying211 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 Thanks, KatZee. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one walking around, cursing out my ex, out loud, to no one! I go back and forth on the decision to tell him what's in my head. Being that I can't totally delete him from my life (we work at the same place), I have to think of the consequences, like his reaction, and whether or not it would make me feel worse. It's funny that the whole forgiveness thing was brought up in the comments of your post. I'm a very forgiving person, and wonder if I need to forgive in order to move on. There are times where I want to say I forgive him, but then the hurt and pain comes back and I just can't. It's not to the extent of your situation, but it's still hard because I feel lied to and betrayed. My emotions are still all over the place, from minute to minute. That's probably the biggest struggle right now, getting my head and heart on the same track.
KatZee Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 A lot of people are going to pull the floofy: "You need to forgive him in order to move on..." No you don't. I'm sorry, but this is a load of garbage. You don't NEED to forgive anyone. And not forgiving someone isn't going to completely prevent you from moving on. I still haven't forgiven my ex. And I never will. The only person I was obligated to forgive was myself, and I did. I moved on from my ex a long time ago. If he died, I wouldn't attend his funeral. That's how little he means to me. It's really weird, I look back, and I read my posts, about how "in love" I thought I was, how "in love" i thought we were, and I honestly don't even remember what it was like to date him and feel those things for him. It feels like we were never even a couple. It's very strange. I don't have anger left for him anymore, I don't care about him, what he does, what his life is like. I don't care if he's happy, or sad, if he's doing well, or failing. Completely indifferent. You definitely will move on. The fact that you have to see him because you work in the same company is pretty crappy though. Going forward always remember: Never $_h!t where you eat. Never date coworkers!
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