KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I am done with my ex. I would never in a million years date him again, I see him for what he is, I see him clearly for the first time, what he's done to me, how he's treated me, how he was so passive aggressive, manipulative, deceitful, and so on and so forth. We dated almost three years. I haven't had any contact with him in almost three months. He's blocked and deleted off FB... I had a garbage party in my apartment and tore up and trashed EVERYTHING (pictures, things, etc). I've been going out with friends, and frankly having a blast. I'm enjoying being single, doing what I want, when I want... The only thing that's left... the anger. Every day I wake up and it never fails, I'll eventually start cursing him out in my head... and then out loud! Like a crazy person! Every day it's the same. There's always a point in the day where I'm shaking my head in disgust, angry at him, angry at myself for putting up with his behavior, angry at myself for not seeing who he really was and what was right in front of me. Angry for allowing him to behave certain ways, to say certain things, to make me feel certain ways about myself. Angry at how he disrespected my parents, angry at how he took advantage of me, took me for granted, used me, lied to me, played me, cheated on me. Angry at how he felt ENTITLED to everything I gave to him, how I supported/cared for/appreciated him, angry for how much I sacrificed of myself, my values, my wishes and wants just to make HIM happy. Angry that he made a fool of me for almost three years. Angry that for almost three years I allowed his friends to talk crap about me, angry that many knew that he was cheating on me, while I knew nothing. Angry that he ALLOWED his friends to disrespect me. Angry that he made excuses for these miserable people, saying they were "entitled to act that way." Angry that he always made me out to be some crazy person, an insecure person whenever I asked about his ex, even though in my gut I knew something was going on. Angry that I put him on such a high pedestal. When does the anger go away??? :mad::mad::mad:
stillafool Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 When does the anger go away??? :mad::mad::mad: It will go away when you forgive him and really mean it. Most people (unfortunately) play the fool at some point in love. Just thank God you got out when you did and now you are moving on and enjoying your life. Don't let anger and resentment mess that up. You will make a better choice next time thanks to the lessons you learned from that relationship.
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I am done with my ex. I would never in a million years date him again, I see him for what he is, I see him clearly for the first time, what he's done to me, how he's treated me, how he was so passive aggressive, manipulative, deceitful, and so on and so forth. We dated almost three years. I haven't had any contact with him in almost three months. He's blocked and deleted off FB... I had a garbage party in my apartment and tore up and trashed EVERYTHING (pictures, things, etc). I've been going out with friends, and frankly having a blast. I'm enjoying being single, doing what I want, when I want... The only thing that's left... the anger. Every day I wake up and it never fails, I'll eventually start cursing him out in my head... and then out loud! Like a crazy person! Every day it's the same. There's always a point in the day where I'm shaking my head in disgust, angry at him, angry at myself for putting up with his behavior, angry at myself for not seeing who he really was and what was right in front of me. Angry for allowing him to behave certain ways, to say certain things, to make me feel certain ways about myself. Angry at how he disrespected my parents, angry at how he took advantage of me, took me for granted, used me, lied to me, played me, cheated on me. Angry at how he felt ENTITLED to everything I gave to him, how I supported/cared for/appreciated him, angry for how much I sacrificed of myself, my values, my wishes and wants just to make HIM happy. Angry that he made a fool of me for almost three years. Angry that for almost three years I allowed his friends to talk crap about me, angry that many knew that he was cheating on me, while I knew nothing. Angry that he ALLOWED his friends to disrespect me. Angry that he made excuses for these miserable people, saying they were "entitled to act that way." Angry that he always made me out to be some crazy person, an insecure person whenever I asked about his ex, even though in my gut I knew something was going on. Angry that I put him on such a high pedestal. When does the anger go away??? :mad::mad::mad: In my opinion it doesn't because you're not over your grief. It's just a step. it will go away.
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 It will go away when you forgive him and really mean it. Most people (unfortunately) play the fool at some point in love. Just thank God you got out when you did and now you are moving on and enjoying your life. Don't let anger and resentment mess that up. You will make a better choice next time thanks to the lessons you learned from that relationship. Forgive him? I've forgiven him throughout the entire relationship. He's been excused for his behavior for almost three years. How am I supposed to forgive him now?
stillafool Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 That was then and this is now. Forgive him for everything from the past. True forgiveness will bring about indifference to him. I agree that you are not over him, still in love with him and that is preventing you from forgiveness.
headsashed Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Just ride it out,it will eventually fade. I was super angry at my ex for cheating,lying,stringing me along,and most other things she did. I havent forgiven her,ive just started to get on with my life and that anger has faded. Its just a phase in the healing process,just give it time.
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 That was then and this is now. Forgive him for everything from the past. True forgiveness will bring about indifference to him. I agree that you are not over him, still in love with him and that is preventing you from forgiveness. I'm still hurt from what he did. In love with him? Absolutely not. What's preventing my forgiveness is that I'm so angry with myself that I allowed him to do what he did for so long. I guess I need to forgive MYSELF first and foremost. 1
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Just ride it out,it will eventually fade. I was super angry at my ex for cheating,lying,stringing me along,and most other things she did. I havent forgiven her,ive just started to get on with my life and that anger has faded. Its just a phase in the healing process,just give it time. That's good to see that the anger is fading even though you haven't forgiven her. I don't think I can forgive him at all.
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I think I'm also angry that I wasn't the one to end it. I just kept sticking it out when I should have just listened to my gut, and have paid attention to the red flags when they kept coming up. But no. I'm just too damn nice and continued to allow him to do what he was doing. I should have tossed his as* out when he "confessed" to cheating. I should have tossed his as* out when he disrespected my family. I should have tossed his as* out when he excused his crappy friends and allowed them to treat me so badly. I should have tossed his as* out when he put everything and anything above me. I HAVE the reasons to have ended the relationship. NOT HIM. And still, I stayed. Grrrrrrrrr.
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Forgiving and turning the other cheek is a nice concept, but for me what would help me is acceptance rather than forgiveness. I accept that people can be *sshole and it helps me move on. I think I'm also angry that I wasn't the one to end it. I just kept sticking it out when I should have just listened to my gut, and have paid attention to the red flags when they kept coming up. But no. I'm just too damn nice and continued to allow him to do what he was doing. I should have tossed his as* out when he "confessed" to cheating. I should have tossed his as* out when he disrespected my family. I should have tossed his as* out when he excused his crappy friends and allowed them to treat me so badly. I should have tossed his as* out when he put everything and anything above me. I HAVE the reasons to have ended the relationship. NOT HIM. And still, I stayed. Grrrrrrrrr. Well who are you really mad at here, him, or yourself?
carhill Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 How do I get past the anger? By accepting the pain.
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Forgiving and turning the other cheek is a nice concept, but for me what would help me is acceptance rather than forgiveness. I accept that people can be *sshole and it helps me move on. Well who are you really mad at here, him, or yourself? BOTH lmao... but probably more myself for being so stupid even though the signs were all there in front of me. I think I agree with the acceptance thing. He will never be forgiven in my eyes.
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 By accepting the pain. What if I don't feel pain? The feeling of love for him flew right out the window when he confessed to cheating. There was no trust and my view of him changed forever at that point. I stayed though, hoping to get through it. I feel nothing but anger and hatred.
carhill Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Perhaps exploring that with a professional can help. Where does anger come from? Reflect upon that.
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Perhaps exploring that with a professional can help. Where does anger come from? Reflect upon that. See post #9. I know where my anger comes from. I just want it to go away.
carhill Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 That doesn't address the emotions. Those are the stimulus. To process the emotion of anger, one must evaluate the emotion and its impetus within oneself. The answers are within. The 'reasons' are valid. You wanted to know 'how do I get past the anger'. I've offered one path. Your choice.
Samilia Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 BOTH lmao... but probably more myself for being so stupid even though the signs were all there in front of me. I think I agree with the acceptance thing. He will never be forgiven in my eyes. I would be mad too, I don't see anything wrong with being angry. I can understand why you don't want to spend the next 6 months like that though. Counselling can help get it out of your system, I agree with that. Do you exercise? It's not a random question, I want to know because it's another good way to get it out of your system. Promise yourself you won't make the same mistake again and hold it true. Be kind but don't be taken advantage of again. 1
Ruby65 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Exercise is really great for getting it all out. Especially hitting the punching bag at the gym! I was surprised, but that really works. For me, the best way to get over the anger about an ex has been to get really happy and excited about being with someone else. 1
iris219 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 You need to realize it isn’t him you’re angry at (well, you might be, but that isn’t most significant). You’re angry with yourself. Forgiving yourself is crucial to letting go of the anger. I used to wake up seething with anger towards my ex. I hated him more than I knew I could hate. This man who had treated me like crap throughout our entire relationship while I bent until I almost broke trying to make him happy, had the nerve to break up with me? What an ego blow! Vow to never let someone treat you like that again. Promise yourself you will set boundaries and stick to them. Remember, this experience will make you a stronger person and a stronger partner in your next relationship. Instead of thinking about how angry you are, thank him for letting you go. It is the best thing that could have happened to you. He didn’t deserve you, and you now have a chance at true happiness. 1
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 You need to realize it isn’t him you’re angry at (well, you might be, but that isn’t most significant). You’re angry with yourself. Forgiving yourself is crucial to letting go of the anger. I used to wake up seething with anger towards my ex. I hated him more than I knew I could hate. This man who had treated me like crap throughout our entire relationship while I bent until I almost broke trying to make him happy, had the nerve to break up with me? What an ego blow! Vow to never let someone treat you like that again. Promise yourself you will set boundaries and stick to them. Remember, this experience will make you a stronger person and a stronger partner in your next relationship. Instead of thinking about how angry you are, thank him for letting you go. It is the best thing that could have happened to you. He didn’t deserve you, and you now have a chance at true happiness. This. I feel like you know exactly what I'm feeling, haha. And yes, I'm extremely angry at myself.
SeventhFloor Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Damn... I haven't read all the posts in this thread (YET) but I just wanted to say, this sounds exactly like my most recent relationship with my ex-girlfriend... word for word I could be the one saying this stuff... plus she was a huge cheater and a liar. I feel with you.
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Exercise is really great for getting it all out. Especially hitting the punching bag at the gym! I was surprised, but that really works. For me, the best way to get over the anger about an ex has been to get really happy and excited about being with someone else. Oh I'm so excited at the prospect of being with someone else, and meeting someone who's going to genuinely and unconditionally feel that love for me. Now... where do I find one of these???
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 Exercise is really great for getting it all out. Especially hitting the punching bag at the gym! I was surprised, but that really works. For me, the best way to get over the anger about an ex has been to get really happy and excited about being with someone else. I want to take up jujitsu. The only problem is the funds! Gotta pay off some bills before I can look into this, haha.
iris219 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 This. I feel like you know exactly what I'm feeling, haha. And yes, I'm extremely angry at myself. I know how frustrating it is when you feel like you played the game well, but you still lost. In your mind, you did everything right, but got nothing in return. It's hard to admit you were playing the wrong game with the wrong person. I have a hard time reconciling that things aren't always fair. You thought loving someone with all you had would make them do the same, but it doesn't always work this way. I hate injustice, but that's what we have to deal with sometimes, and we have to make sure we are strong enough to handle it. For so long you were probably focused on your ex--what he wanted, what he needed, what he was thinking--that you forgot about you. He is not your concern anymore. Focus your thoughts inward so that you can process the anger and disappointment you feel towards yourself. Before my ex, I didn't know people could treat other people, especially people who were kind to them, with such disrespect. Well, they can and they do. Lesson learned. People don't always treat us how we deserve, no matter how good we are to them. Stay away from these kind of people. I've stopped blaming my ex (which doesn't mean he's not jerk--he totally is) and started taking responsibilty for my actions. Everyone makes mistakes; you know you have shouldn't have stayed as long as you did. Ask yourself why you stayed. Why did you think he'd change? Why did you settle for less than you deserve? Honest answers to these questions will probably teach you a lot about yourself. It will take time, but you will recover. Just knowing you will never allow yourself to be in a situation like the one you were in should be some comfort. 1
Author KatZee Posted July 19, 2012 Author Posted July 19, 2012 I know how frustrating it is when you feel like you played the game well, but you still lost. In your mind, you did everything right, but got nothing in return. It's hard to admit you were playing the wrong game with the wrong person. I have a hard time reconciling that things aren't always fair. You thought loving someone with all you had would make them do the same, but it doesn't always work this way. I hate injustice, but that's what we have to deal with sometimes, and we have to make sure we are strong enough to handle it. For so long you were probably focused on your ex--what he wanted, what he needed, what he was thinking--that you forgot about you. He is not your concern anymore. Focus your thoughts inward so that you can process the anger and disappointment you feel towards yourself. Before my ex, I didn't know people could treat other people, especially people who were kind to them, with such disrespect. Well, they can and they do. Lesson learned. People don't always treat us how we deserve, no matter how good we are to them. Stay away from these kind of people. I've stopped blaming my ex (which doesn't mean he's not jerk--he totally is) and started taking responsibilty for my actions. Everyone makes mistakes; you know you have shouldn't have stayed as long as you did. Ask yourself why you stayed. Why did you think he'd change? Why did you settle for less than you deserve? Honest answers to these questions will probably teach you a lot about yourself. It will take time, but you will recover. Just knowing you will never allow yourself to be in a situation like the one you were in should be some comfort. Mine wasn't a jerk all the time though. That's why I stayed. For literally the first year together it was bliss. We hung out all the time, it was lovey dovey, it was unlike anything I'd ever been in before. We did things together, he was kind, loving, affectionate... all of those things. And as time went on... it just... changed. And I thought that if he had been that person before, he could absolutely be that person again, we just had to get through our rough patches, but with each "rough patch" he would just shut down. Refuse to communicate, blame me for things being wrong with us, criticized me up and down and made me feel it was all because of ME that things weren't right anymore. And I guess he really had me going, and had me believing it. So I kept bending further and further backwards trying to change who I was as a person just so he'd be happy again. And yes, it was always about him. I lost myself. It was always his wants, needs, desires, expectations. I always put myself last but because I loved him, I didn't feel I was getting some short end, I was always happy to do things for him, and he did show appreciation but as I said, as time went on it just got less and less, and then it became what it was at the end. All of what he did to hurt me. He never focused on what I DID do right, which was A LOT. He only focused so intensely on ONE THING I may have done wrong and all of a sudden I wasn't worth being with anymore. Ugh!
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