Wife cheating on husband. He does not know. To say or not to say?

[Winterina]

You can't just tell him is wife is cheating without some concrete proof. How do you know she is actually cheating?

 

Do we have pics of her having sex with someone? No. But she told me and she told my bf about her cheating, and my bf saw her too hooking up with others several times and had to leave to not see more. He stopped her when she was telling him about it because he was a friend with her husband and did not want to know.

Our common friend is really into her (even though she is not his type at all as he says) just because she was throwing herself at him so shamelessly... that guy is her husband's best buddy.

[Wondering33]

Oh we know their home situation more than we want to. She makes sure everyone knows and talks about their sex and how his penis looks like and what they do in bed...

 

 

I am not claiming to know what is best for someone else but I am guiding myself by some universal code that knowing something that is directly related to such important aspect of your life cannot be bad.

 

 

"Who are you to judge, it is not your business...." these are not any kind of reasons or persuasive arguments. Is there no deeper rationale than this? I cannot find one.

I am to judge if I want to and you cannot judge me for judging... see how that works.

 

I'm not judging you. You posted a question for opinions, not talking at a table & I walked up & told you what my thoughts are without being asked. See the difference?

 

Now what are you going to do (& I've seen this with my own eyes more than once) if they stay together & you look like a trouble maker? So your husband loses a friend, they stay together happy, you look like an idiot & now no one ever wants to tell you their personal happenings bc their afraid of you telling & your judgements.

 

It could go the other way but nice guys tend to try & work it out. It's a whole lot of potential problems for a problem that has nothing to do with you.

[jbrent890]

No its her husband's friend not hers. I think you're just jaded by your own life experiences & your making it personal. Like it or not, unless your extremely close (like knowing your friend way before they met they're spouse) other people's lives are none of someone else's business. it doesn't matter if you, me or anyone doesn't like how they live their life, it's THEIR life, not anyone else's. Unless one is perfect (no one but in my belief Jesus) then who would you think you are to know what's best for someone else?

 

Anger, judging & being a busybody isn't righteous either. You don't get your own life points for interfering with other's lives. You don't know their at home situation. What if they can't have kids? What if they don't have sex? unless one knows a WHOLE situation through & through & no one asked you, it's NONE OF ANOTHERS BUSINESS.

 

Out of all the arguments you could have presented, you bring up jaded by my own experiences. Didn't you cheat on your husband for years, so couldn't the same thing be said for you as well? If somebody told your husband you were cheating, that would have ended your affair a lot sooner than it did, so I understand why you hold to the don't get involved thing.

[redtail]

I'm of the opinion that its better to have him know, however the information gets relayed.

 

Since you are friends with both, is there a possibility that you could inform the cheating wife that you know about her affair and if she doesn't tell her husband, you will? You may lose her as a friend but really, what exactly are you losing considering her character?

 

Just a thought...

[jen1447]

The husband sounds like he must be extremely slow if basically everyone on the planet knows except him. And not just the cheating, but if she mocks his penis publicly, etc.? Weird.

 

I wouldn't tell in the specific circumstances you laid out here. There are other circumstances where I might tell - very good personal friend, etc. This just sounds like you're crusading for a better world.

 

One practical reason not to tell is that you'll be forever involved in that mess if you do.

[Wondering33]

Out of all the arguments you could have presented, you bring up jaded by my own experiences. Didn't you cheat on your husband for years, so couldn't the same thing be said for you as well? If somebody told your husband you were cheating, that would have ended your affair a lot sooner than it did, so I understand why you hold to the don't get involved thing.

 

Yes I did & I told him, no one had to tell for me. No, I'm not jaded by it, the whole experience has made me more understanding to life, problems & marriage being between the people that are married. My husband also had an A & instead of me being insecure & holding that as the "worst" thing that happened in my life, it made our marriage better. If someone would have come up to me to tell me my husband was cheating, I would have said get the f#%^ out of my face bc its between us, no one else.

 

Cheating is not the right way to deal with problems but I never let it define me as a whole person or my H, we're humans that handled our problems wrong. I never blamed others that knew bc what were they really going to do, tell me?...& he & I would have still stayed together. I'm a teenage bride going on 18 years of marriage & can honestly, whole heartedly say, him & I are at the best place we've been. The unfortunate part is I can't go back & change my mistake & I have to live with it, I have to deal running into OM for many years to come & I wish that part would go away but out of the whole picture, I'm happy it happened bc if it didn't we would have been divorced.

 

BTW- if at the time someone would have told my husband (at that time) I would have ended up with OM. I hated my H then & didn't care about divorce, hence the reasoning of the A.

[sandylee1]

Someone my bf and I used to be friends with is an extremely manipulative narcissistic woman who is among other things cheating on her husband...He seems to be a nice guy who was also a friend of ours. He has no clue that she was around from the day one of their relationship. She's been with two people that I know of, and my bf has heard and seen even more stories....

Should we say something to this guy or should we let him live in illusion and create a family with her?

 

 

This is one of those things in life where one does not know what is the right thing to do. Completely confused here.

 

Tell him anonymously. I'd want to know if it were me. You need to give some facts, so she doesn't wriggle out of it.

[Soxfaninfl]

If no children are involved I would definitely let him know. Wouldn't you want someone to make you aware if you were in his shoes?

 

I know I would want to know. I know that if I found out my wife was cheating on me, that would be the end of us.

 

I could never be with some that cheated on me. I could never trust that person ever again. Their adultery would always be on the back of my mind for the rest of my life.

[Davey L]

I can't tell you what to do; we must all make our own moral and ethical decisions in life. However I can recount my experience when I was on his end of the situation.

 

A friend told my quietly and privately that he had seen my wife out having dinner with another man, and didn't know if I knew about it. I assured him that I did and that I knew who it was and that it was OK.

 

Of course I didn't actually know but I was able to feel that I had not lost any face to my friend in admitting that and I didn't feel pressured to respond in any particular way. I was then able to deal with things with my wife privately without this friend being involved and without any awkward follow up questions from him.

 

I remain privately grateful to my friend for the extremely tactful manner in which he drew a sensitive situation to my attention. I would suggest that if you feel a need to tell him that you do it in a similar manner. After all you don't really know what goes on inside their relationship, what he may or may not already know, or what he has chosen to accept or tolerate.

[whichwayisup]

Someone my bf and I used to be friends with is an extremely manipulative narcissistic woman who is among other things cheating on her husband...He seems to be a nice guy who was also a friend of ours. He has no clue that she was around from the day one of their relationship. She's been with two people that I know of, and my bf has heard and seen even more stories....

Should we say something to this guy or should we let him live in illusion and create a family with her?

 

 

This is one of those things in life where one does not know what is the right thing to do. Completely confused here.

 

Do you actually know first hand that she is cheating? Seen it with your own eyes or is this gossip/second/third hand information? Make sure you have all the facts correct 100% before you help blow up someone's life. Even more so since you say 'he "seems" like a nice guy who is a friend of yours." Makes me think he's a casual buddy and not a great/close friend. You sure you want to be barrier of bad news to someone you don't know that well?

[Winterina]

The husband sounds like he must be extremely slow if basically everyone on the planet knows except him. And not just the cheating, but if she mocks his penis publicly, etc.? Weird.

 

I wouldn't tell in the specific circumstances you laid out here. There are other circumstances where I might tell - very good personal friend, etc. This just sounds like you're crusading for a better world.

 

One practical reason not to tell is that you'll be forever involved in that mess if you do.

 

Still looking for the reason to NOT TELL. What is wrong with crusading for a better world, even if that were the real reason?

[Clay]

Still looking for the reason to NOT TELL. What is wrong with crusading for a better world, even if that were the real reason?

 

Sadly not many people have that line of thinking anymore. Good for you for thinking of whats the right thing to do.

 

I do agree with the other person If you do choose to tell him try to offer as much info as possible so she doesn't just lie her way out of it.

 

Clay

[Lunay]

I'd want to know.

 

You're looking for a reason NOT TO TELL? There isn't one, unless you are worried about any back lash. Or the whole terminally ill thing.. Which is not the case here.

She does not sound like someone who is even aware of the impact she might make on someone because of her actions. She sounds like someone who's never had to own up to anything, who has gotten away with a lot in life. She deserves to be found out.

Let it be up to him to figure out if he wants to work it out with her or not. Let him allow himself to be manipulated back into their relationship if need be, but at least you can know you tried to help the guy and he can make his own informed decision.

If you don't like the girl, who cares if she knows you told? If you're worried about it causing problems between friends, do it anonymously... But you'll need more proof. If it comes right from you or your SO, he might just take your word for it.

[jen1447]

Still looking for the reason to NOT TELL. What is wrong with crusading for a better world, even if that were the real reason?

 

Being a crusader is generally unrealistic, it may not really be any of your business in a practical sense, you may not actually know all the facts and thus not know what you're really getting into, may not know what impact your potentially inaccurate info will have on the people whose business it actually is, etc., etc.

 

How do you know they wouldn't spawn the next Albert Einstein, how do you know they don't already have an understanding about this, how do you know their love doesn't transcend your conceptualization of their love, what if telling him causes him to murder her, what if her finding out you told him causes her to murder you, what if etc., etc.

 

Limits and boundaries - do you attempt to intervene in every possible wrongdoing that ever occurs on earth that you're aware of, etc., etc.

 

Some things, wrong as they may or may not be, are simply none of your business. It's up to you to decide if this is or not, but from what little I know of it based on what you wrote, imo it's probably not.

[redtail]

what if telling him causes him to murder her, what if her finding out you told him causes her to murder you, what if etc., etc.

 

Yeah, why risk, it's always better to do nothing.

[Vercetti]

Tell. If my wife disrespected me I would want to know. I would probably become friends with the person that told me, after all they had my back when wife did not. Give me the clues put me on the right path. Nothing but respect cause you saved me wasting time. TELL ME THE TRUTH.

[Winterina]

Being a crusader is generally unrealistic, it may not really be any of your business in a practical sense, you may not actually know all the facts and thus not know what you're really getting into, may not know what impact your potentially inaccurate info will have on the people whose business it actually is, etc., etc.

 

How do you know they wouldn't spawn the next Albert Einstein, how do you know they don't already have an understanding about this, how do you know their love doesn't transcend your conceptualization of their love, what if telling him causes him to murder her, what if her finding out you told him causes her to murder you, what if etc., etc.

 

Limits and boundaries - do you attempt to intervene in every possible wrongdoing that ever occurs on earth that you're aware of, etc., etc.

 

Some things, wrong as they may or may not be, are simply none of your business. It's up to you to decide if this is or not, but from what little I know of it based on what you wrote, imo it's probably not.

 

I do know all the facts. Wife in the story has been very generous sharing her cheating info with everyone, me included, and my boyfriend saw her a few times. She takes it is her right to do so. He has no clue and would be very much upset, that much we know too.

 

 

Would you want to know, no matter who tells you?

Would you have kids with a man that cheats on you?

Did you cheat on anyone in your life?

Since when is telling the truth to someone is such a bad thing to do?

 

 

Finally, as I said three times already, none of my business is not a reason. It is a just a thing to say that presents no superior reason.

[autumnnight]

If you are going to tell, and as you actually face to face know him I can understand that, have the backbone to own it. Don't do it anonymously. That's what cowards do when they want to blow up the cheater but not step up and support the people through the fallout.

[BetrayedH]

There are certainly plenty of hypothetical disadvantages. He could kill someone. She could kill someone. Maybe he flips out and assassinates the President. Maybe a nuclear war ensues. I honestly don't know how you weigh in the hypotheticals. We could spin them all day.

 

What we do know is that he's been deceived and betrayed. And at least the naivete of the deception can be eliminated. To me, that's tangible and frankly, it's a big deal. My wife wasted years of my life. I'll never get those years back. People knew and said nothing. I wish someone had. When I told the other man's wife, she was devastated (as she also had two kids, like me) but thanked me. No one likes being played for a fool.

[BetrayedH]

If you are going to tell, and as you actually face to face know him I can understand that, have the backbone to own it. Don't do it anonymously. That's what cowards do when they want to blow up the cheater but not step up and support the people through the fallout.

 

I agree that face-to-face is what's probably necessary to make it convincing enough to counter the predictable lying, denying, minimizing, and gaslighting that will come from his wife. Unfortunately, no one wants to think their spouse capable of this kind of betrayal and early reactions on the part of the betrayed spouse commonly involve a desperate urge to stop the bleeding and believe a minimalized version of the story. The BS is in a state of damage control. Sadly, the WS also does damage control and says whatever is necessary to prevent the full truth from coming out. It's a perfect storm. Unless they contain indisputable proof, anonymous efforts are commonly dismissed.

 

I think what's worth the OP to consider is what risks she assumes by disclosing. Typically, I advise telling unless there's an established history of violence by one of the parties involved. There needs to be an empirical, not hypothetical, risk. Even in those cases, I'm not cool with leaving the person to be betrayed; it just requires additional measures to try to preclude the violence.

[jen1447]

We're covering the hypotheticals tho because no one really knows anyone here, and all we have to go on is a post or two worth of background. Not knocking the OP for that, it's just the nature of all posting on message boards. But using/urging caution is prudent I think.

 

I do know all the facts. Wife in the story has been very generous sharing her cheating info with everyone, me included, and my boyfriend saw her a few times. She takes it is her right to do so. He has no clue and would be very much upset, that much we know too.

That just seems so bizarre to me. How is it that this guy is so clueless when everyone else knows and she boasts about it to everybody?

 

 

Would you want to know, no matter who tells you?

Would you have kids with a man that cheats on you?

Did you cheat on anyone in your life?

Since when is telling the truth to someone is such a bad thing to do?

Are those hypothetical questions or do you really want me to answer them?

 

 

Finally, as I said three times already, none of my business is not a reason. It is a just a thing to say that presents no superior reason.

There actually is a philosophical foundation behind the principal of non-interference and minding one's own business, but honestly Winter it seems to me like you've made your mind up already and that you're mainly just auditioning negatives to bat away. (Don't mean any offense by that, but do you really want to get into a long discourse about ethics/epistemology/politics? Probably you should just go ahead and blow the lid off and get it over with.)

[Breezee]

Personally speaking, I'd want to know. The person would have to know for CERTAIN that my spouse is cheating. It is strange that this woman would advertise her infidelity to everyone but yet her husband has no clue? Weird indeed.

 

The possible disadvantage would be that the husband would feel embarrassed and cut the friendship. BUT, I would still figure out a way to tell him privately and as gentle as I could. I would preface it with "I'm telling you this because I care".

 

It makes me sad that so many people do not want to get involved in a difficult situation. I'd risk my friendship, but that's me. I'm sure you'll know what the right thing for you to do is.

[beatcuff]

OP, you wrote:

 

... is an extremely manipulative narcissistic woman... Completely confused here.

 

then quickly and continually with:

 

Still looking for the reason to NOT TELL. What is wrong with crusading for a better world, even if that were the real reason?

 

anyone else here thinking --- this is revenge driven. she labels a woman without stating why v a poor defenseless H with a thirst to 'make it right'.

[spanz1]

maybe you can send an anonymous note?

He may already know, but is putting up a good show of it.

[Winterina]

OP, you wrote:

 

 

 

then quickly and continually with:

 

 

 

anyone else here thinking --- this is revenge driven. she labels a woman without stating why v a poor defenseless H with a thirst to 'make it right'.

 

Nope. She did not cheat on her H with my bf if that is what you are suggesting. And nope he did not ever find her attractive because she is not particularly attractive, just very aggressive.

I just think her H should know. True, I do dislike her selfish personality and think she should pay for what she is doing to everyone involved without regard whom she hurts in the process. If allowed this will continue happening for decades to come... with nothing to backfire. Not fair to the people she will come across. Not fair to her H. Only she enjoys in the process. She who deceives and lies and cheats... She recently let her cat die because she was too selfish to take it to the vet and get its meds right. She forgave herself so easily because she did not have money for the cat (she had money to go out and drink though)...

Who's next? Kids might enter the picture soon...i.e., more victims of her cheating.

 

 

As to it is not anyone's business... it is not my business when I see someone drop their wallet, or when someone's child is getting molested but I would interfere into both situations. Turning the blind eye is making you an accomplice in anything you see.