elaine567 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 So, how can I help make this situation work? Im really searching for answers to a problem, not a reason to end the marriage. I dont feel that we are at a point of no return yet You as a parent need to lay down the law here, she is frittering away her time at some bar/restaurant and not being a parent. Yes, she is "working", but that "work" is making her a bad parent who hardly sees her children. She doesn't necessarily need to quit, she just needs to cut her hours. She is not some parent working all the hours God sends to make sure her kids don't starve. Your wife is making a choice to stay away from her kids, and you need to tell her that is unacceptable. You as the other parent need to call her out on that, that is not being controlling, that is simply standing up for your kids. Your girls are not seeing their mother, a mother whose thoughts and life appears to be elsewhere. You are their advocate here, do it for your girls. Your wife may just turn on her heel and walk, but if she does that, then I guess she would have done so anyway, and it is best you know and you can then move forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 you can't make the marriage work by yourself. Have her move out with her AP. Let her see what it will be like and you need to see an attorney right away. Has she been tested for stds? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 you can't make the marriage work by yourself. Have her move out with her AP. Let her see what it will be like and you need to see an attorney right away. Has she been tested for stds? Have we determined there has been an affair here? Honestly, sometimes I think we jump to that conclusion too quickly on this board, which isn't necessarily healthy. I understand why it happens, I just think it's so early in this story that we need not jump to a conclusion that could doom this marriage before we have all the facts. I'm not saying it's not happening, I'm just saying that just because one spouse withdraws does not automatically mean an affair is a certainty. That said, I would keep my eyes open, JJ, and still would advocate MC and try to plan more fun family time, date nights, more open communication, etc., as others have suggested. JJ, you have said you are not yet at a point of no return. If that's true, then you need to find out if your wife is willing to fight for your marriage. If she is, then that is where you need to focus your energies. If she isn't, then you have your answer and your energy should be on rebuilding your life without her in it. KTB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesjones Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 I appreciate the advice from everyone. I sincerely do. To be clear, I do not believe that seeing anyone else. I do think she has change.d dramatically because of who she is surrounding herself with though. She seems overly concerned of my approval as to her work schedule lately. I told her about a week ago that she needed to cut back drastically if things were going to work. She sort of cut back days but is still "filling in" so not much of an improvement. What I do not want is for me to be her dad. She knows what needs to happen but keeps checking and running these additional days or work by me to see my reaction. It is not a black and white issue where I know the situation. To my face she is acting genuine and caring and expecting me to show her joyful emotion in return, but her actions do not speak the same words. I have absolutely begun to detach from her emotionally while this chaos has transpired. I wish I knew if she was confused and searching for herself or if she has started down a new path separate from me (us). This seems to be a big grey area, as I suppose life is...... Link to post Share on other sites
MajorOak Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 So, how can I help make this situation work? Im really searching for answers to a problem, not a reason to end the marriage. I dont feel that we are at a point of no return yet Mr jamesjones, I'm sorry you are here under the circumstances you have outlined. I'm also please your here, you will receive great advice from other members. As above a similar situation with me. I guess my wife took a job just as a bit of a mental break from home life. Unfortunately the vultures were circling ahead and new when to strike. I would highly recommend you try to discover an interest or hobby that you can both get into, a small means of escape from home life for both of you. Renovating project, sports, dancing etc. Have you tried dating her again? Do something spontaneous with her. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Esraem Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I really feel for you. You seem to have a good grasp on who you are. I also agree I think you caught it early enough, but hopefully she is willing to work on it as well. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I wish I knew if she was confused and searching for herself or if she has started down a new path separate from me (us). This seems to be a big grey area, as I suppose life is...... I truly think you need to answer this question first, before anything else happens. You need to have a heart-to-heart with her where you figure out that answer, either among yourselves or in couple's counseling. If you both begin to detach from each other before you determine these answers, then the questions will answer themselves, and the answers won't be good. I wish you luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 To be clear, I do not believe that seeing anyone else. I do think she has change.d dramatically because of who she is surrounding herself with though. While I don't think she's having an affair, I would guess she's engaging in some flirtatious behavior you wouldn't approve of if seen. It goes with the drinking, partying and after-work lifestyle like chips go with guacamole. She'd probably also be surprised and embarrassed to hear what the other employees are saying about her. They can be pretty vicious and judgmental, especially of someone a few years older trying to act "young". She has some decisions to make, hopefully your input taken into account... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii51 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Why can't she find a job in a more regular setting with banking hours, something even part-time if her only need is some outside time and some spending cash. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 How did a part-time job turn into long shifts six nights a week? That is more than full-time. Whether she has an actual boyfriend or not, she clearly prefers her nights at work to being at home. Some of that will be due to the novelty of being in a new environment, hanging out with new people who have the job in common with her, feeling like part of an "exclusive" group. But two nights a week should be enough to fulfill those feelings...like a little getaway from real life. As it is, sounds like the job is becoming her real life, and home is just a place to catch up on sleep. What do you all do on the nights she does not work? Is there a semblance of normalcy, i,e how she was with you all before she started working? The longer she goes on working this many nights, the more distant she will become from your "old" life. Hoping it is not too late. But unless she quits, or cuts back drastically, not sure how this will go. It is tricky. If she won't go to counseling, maybe you should try it on your own. You might get some ideas, or least learn some new coping skills while you try to work things out. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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