I'm young but I don't want my family's aid anymore.

[preraph]

Look, you have people who still regard you as a child because you are in that in between part of your life where you are becoming a man and must leave the nest but haven't done so yet -- so people still treat you like a child. You did just fine putting your money into your own savings account, and if you hadn't you might be sorry because then you'd need someone's permission to get your own place. Don't let people make you feel bad. You earned that money. It's not theirs, it's yours. You have to get enough money to move out. Be sure you know how much it takes. Ask someone who is maybe 20-something but lives on their own to tell you how much it takes. You might need two jobs. But as soon as you can, take that money of yours and leave. Just make sure it's enough. You do NOT have to burn bridges to move out away from relatives. Your cousin is being overly dramatic and controlling. When it's time to leave, you tell whoever has been supporting you how much you appreciate them keeping a roof over your head and will miss them but you know it's time you moved out on your own and became a man.

[shvrk]

Look, you have people who still regard you as a child because you are in that in between part of your life where you are becoming a man and must leave the nest but haven't done so yet -- so people still treat you like a child. You did just fine putting your money into your own savings account, and if you hadn't you might be sorry because then you'd need someone's permission to get your own place. Don't let people make you feel bad. You earned that money. It's not theirs, it's yours. You have to get enough money to move out. Be sure you know how much it takes. Ask someone who is maybe 20-something but lives on their own to tell you how much it takes. You might need two jobs. But as soon as you can, take that money of yours and leave. Just make sure it's enough. You do NOT have to burn bridges to move out away from relatives. Your cousin is being overly dramatic and controlling. When it's time to leave, you tell whoever has been supporting you how much you appreciate them keeping a roof over your head and will miss them but you know it's time you moved out on your own and became a man.

 

*woman

 

But thank you for this. My grandma has been helping me out the most, if anyone, and I show her my appreciation all the time, and we bond nightly over her shows. I'll buy her flowers or pick up something from the store if she needs. Little things while I'm there, you know? But yeah. I'm looking for job number two, and I'm gonna get the hell out

[preraph]

^ Yes, I caught that myself after it as too late. You certainly don't want to leave mad or under bad conditions. Best to announce it once you are certain you have enough resources and have found a roommate. They won't worry as much if they see you have it well planned. It does take an awful lot of money to move out on your own. It's rent, utilities, auto insurance, car repair if you have a car. I suggest you do as I did when young and if possible, move in within walking distance of your work. Then if your car breaks down, you don't lose your job and it's less expense. Also be sure you are fairly near a grocery store so you won't be tempted to eat fast food all the time which gets very expensive. You might even ask your good old gran if she'll teach you a couple of cheap easy recipes.

[rester]

I think as long as you are respecting your grandmother and living by her rules, and not taking advantage of her, your cousin shouldn't have a say in anything you do. Keep doing what you are doing. I don't even think I would respond to what your cousin wrote to you.

[shvrk]

I think as long as you are respecting your grandmother and living by her rules, and not taking advantage of her, your cousin shouldn't have a say in anything you do. Keep doing what you are doing. I don't even think I would respond to what your cousin wrote to you.

 

I sure as hell didn't. I'm laughing it off now. I just don't want her to influence my grandmother to Kick me out on this ddecision. I went to a friends house last night and I havent been home since. I hate this deep dOwn feeling that I'm a bad person. But then i think about how she doesn't even respect my mother nor me so it makes it easier to be like **** this. She had a really close relationship with my dad when he was still alive and still talks highly of him so i feel like I'm letting him down in a way. Most everything I do is because my father passed away and he was such a great guy so i wanna show them that I'll make him proud... But it just kinda stresses me out trying to appease them all of the time while I am trying to figure out my own calling and happiness. But being forced to go to school by my cousin made that hard. I did well but I would only want to go back knowing my major before i quit my job then go full time again... I know it's all with a good heart,... But it just doesnt seem right

[littleplanet]

I never knew religion as an oppression. It's always been a most personal conversation. Too personal for any congregated collective.

When I was a kid, I dreamed of freedom.

So I left home at 16.

And made that dream come true.

Once that little chore was accomplished.....greater dreams soon followed.

I'm too old now to dream such outrageous dreams - but it's an old habit that's tough to break.

 

Sooner or later you have to follow your own dreams, and your own heart.

Someone else's best wishes shouldn't feel like the hundredweights that hold down your balloon. You never know what's waiting over that long distant horizon, then.

 

And your academic pursuits should fit your own personal design......academia is too important and too expensive these days, for misplaced choices.

Sounds like grownups getting in the way of a grownup (or someone trying to achieve that state, anyhow.) Only one cure for it.

Good planning and preparedness works wonders. It doesn't have to be perfect - just sensible.

My eldest son left home at 18, after the gentlest of nudges. He did fine, and does do finer, now.

 

Of course you're not a bad person. Self-respect is tougher to arrive at when you have to fight for respect and wrestle it from those who perhaps should know better. But that's often how it goes.

 

When life is still young - there's still lots of time to put together good decisions.....at your own pace. I still see that happen all around me - all the time.

You can have your own personal relationship with the memory of your Dad. That is something no-one should mess with.

Wherever you find your own personal strength is your business.

Guilt is a lousy weapon to use on anybody.

A good conscience deserves breathing room. Less sharp elbows to knock the wind out.

 

Good luck! You'll be fine.

[shvrk]

I never knew religion as an oppression. It's always been a most personal conversation. Too personal for any congregated collective.

When I was a kid, I dreamed of freedom.

So I left home at 16.

And made that dream come true.

Once that little chore was accomplished.....greater dreams soon followed.

I'm too old now to dream such outrageous dreams - but it's an old habit that's tough to break.

 

Sooner or later you have to follow your own dreams, and your own heart.

Someone else's best wishes shouldn't feel like the hundredweights that hold down your balloon. You never know what's waiting over that long distant horizon, then.

 

And your academic pursuits should fit your own personal design......academia is too important and too expensive these days, for misplaced choices.

Sounds like grownups getting in the way of a grownup (or someone trying to achieve that state, anyhow.) Only one cure for it.

Good planning and preparedness works wonders. It doesn't have to be perfect - just sensible.

My eldest son left home at 18, after the gentlest of nudges. He did fine, and does do finer, now.

 

Of course you're not a bad person. Self-respect is tougher to arrive at when you have to fight for respect and wrestle it from those who perhaps should know better. But that's often how it goes.

 

When life is still young - there's still lots of time to put together good decisions.....at your own pace. I still see that happen all around me - all the time.

You can have your own personal relationship with the memory of your Dad. That is something no-one should mess with.

Wherever you find your own personal strength is your business.

Guilt is a lousy weapon to use on anybody.

A good conscience deserves breathing room. Less sharp elbows to knock the wind out.

 

Good luck! You'll be fine.

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. I will keep everything in mind as I journey into adulthood, on my own

[shvrk]

Another update.

 

Last night my cousin came in the house while I was here, I let her in, said hi, and she called me a "consumer" then sat down and not said anything else to me. I was glad to be going to bed at this point. Today while I was at work, she sent me this text.

 

"Consumer/ user: One that uses up resources (water, gas, electricity, food, others time) and contributes little to nothing. I would appreciate if my Aunt doesn't live like a slob. I notice that is your way but not ours. If there r dishes n the sink it would b nice if the 20 year old could wash them rather than a 70 year old. Or better yet not me. U R not n school u r half ass working. U live for FREE can't u keep a kitchen clean? Respectfully me... A contributor. "

 

 

Bills were not mentioned when I first moved here, besides the utility bill which has not come yet since I've start my new job

 

For the record, the dishes mentioned my grandmother told me herself that she would take care of them. I do the dishes every night. This was just one time where she, My cousin, popped up to do yard work and heavy duty stuff for my grandma.

 

Id rather just not deal with her bulls*** anymore because my grandma and I live fine in the house but I really just wanna leave so she can just leave me the f u c k alone.

[shvrk]

Another update.

 

Last night my cousin came in the house while I was here, I let her in, said hi, and she called me a "consumer" then sat down and not said anything else to me. I was glad to be going to bed at this point. Today while I was at work, she sent me this text.

 

"Consumer/ user: One that uses up resources (water, gas, electricity, food, others time) and contributes little to nothing. I would appreciate if my Aunt doesn't live like a slob. I notice that is your way but not ours. If there r dishes n the sink it would b nice if the 20 year old could wash them rather than a 70 year old. Or better yet not me. U R not n school u r half ass working. U live for FREE can't u keep a kitchen clean? Respectfully me... A contributor. "

 

 

Bills were not mentioned when I first moved here, besides the utility bill which has not come yet since I've start my new job

 

For the record, the dishes mentioned my grandmother told me herself that she would take care of them. I do the dishes every night. This was just one time where she, My cousin, popped up to do yard work and heavy duty stuff for my grandma.

 

Id rather just not deal with her bulls*** anymore because my grandma and I live fine in the house but I really just wanna leave so she can just leave me the f u c k alone.

 

I also don't live like a slob. There are occasions where I would have clothes on a chair IN MY ROOM or a pair of shorts on the floor, once again IN MY ROOM... but my bed is made always, clothes ironed otherwise folded or hung up... etc... she's just being so... I don't know. She's 40 or something and doesn't even live here and is only around like once a week or every two weeks then treats me like I am her child.

 

I'm just venting. I'm so over it.

[shvrk]

I mean, is that normal to react?

[eye of the storm]

First, I highly doubt you are the first person to not do as your cousin asked. Second, she is passive aggressively going at you. When my kids leave crap in the sink, I tell them the second I notice it, not in a text the next day.

 

Breath.

 

Have a conversation with your grandmother. Just you and her. Talk to her about bills and her feelings about you living there. If she asks why, tell her that cousin made some comments and that you wanted to verify that YOU and GRANDMA were cool with each other. (DON'T badmouth the cousin, just let her know it made you concerned enough to want to check in on the situation) Let her know that you love her and are grateful for the roof and support she has given you and that if she has any concerns you will hear them and if possible make changes.

 

After that, let anything the cousin says roll off your back. If you and Grandma are talking and checking in with each other to ensure that you are being a good roommate and not taking advantage (Grandma's opinion not cousin's) then let cousin vent and steam.

 

I am not sure why the cousin is acting this way, could be 1 of 100 reasons.

 

Be a good roommate, pay your portion of the bills, save, help your Grandma where you can, and then move out with dignity.

 

Remember, not everyone is life is going to agree with your choices. And sometimes they will be right. But ultimately they are your choices and as long as you accept the consequences of your actions and don't visit them on others...It is your life. Live it in such a way so that you can always look yourself in the mirror and be at peace.

[shvrk]

First, I highly doubt you are the first person to not do as your cousin asked. Second, she is passive aggressively going at you. When my kids leave crap in the sink, I tell them the second I notice it, not in a text the next day.

 

Breath.

 

Have a conversation with your grandmother. Just you and her. Talk to her about bills and her feelings about you living there. If she asks why, tell her that cousin made some comments and that you wanted to verify that YOU and GRANDMA were cool with each other. (DON'T badmouth the cousin, just let her know it made you concerned enough to want to check in on the situation) Let her know that you love her and are grateful for the roof and support she has given you and that if she has any concerns you will hear them and if possible make changes.

 

After that, let anything the cousin says roll off your back. If you and Grandma are talking and checking in with each other to ensure that you are being a good roommate and not taking advantage (Grandma's opinion not cousin's) then let cousin vent and steam.

 

I am not sure why the cousin is acting this way, could be 1 of 100 reasons.

 

Be a good roommate, pay your portion of the bills, save, help your Grandma where you can, and then move out with dignity.

 

Remember, not everyone is life is going to agree with your choices. And sometimes they will be right. But ultimately they are your choices and as long as you accept the consequences of your actions and don't visit them on others...It is your life. Live it in such a way so that you can always look yourself in the mirror and be at peace.

 

Thank you. I will most definitely do this. I'm looking for a better job now, and since my cousin has been around more I've been avoiding her, as she has to me, but she would give me a dirty look or just walk right past me without saying anything and honestly it doesn't bother me, it just feels like I'm dealing with high school drama but I'm over it.

 

My relationship with my grandmother is fantastic. I'm gonna stop letting my cousin make decisions for me.

[turnera]

Your relationship with your grandma is fantastic, yet she can write such a scathing, sarcastic, passive aggressive note to you? I think you need some more life experience so you can understand what constitutes fantastic.

 

Get the hell out of there. Go backpacking. Go work at a gas station. Become a forest ranger. Who cares? Just get away from your family and start living. Things will become more more clear.

 

Personally, I'd like to see you become a volunteer at Peace Corps or some such. You have NO drive, NO guidance, no passion. Get out and see how other people live in worse situations, and gain some appreciation for what you have access to. I guarantee you'll come back with more of a purpose.

[shvrk]

Your relationship with your grandma is fantastic, yet she can write such a scathing, sarcastic, passive aggressive note to you? I think you need some more life experience so you can understand what constitutes fantastic.

 

Get the hell out of there. Go backpacking. Go work at a gas station. Become a forest ranger. Who cares? Just get away from your family and start living. Things will become more more clear.

 

Personally, I'd like to see you become a volunteer at Peace Corps or some such. You have NO drive, NO guidance, no passion. Get out and see how other people live in worse situations, and gain some appreciation for what you have access to. I guarantee you'll come back with more of a purpose.

 

First of all, it was my cousin that wrote the note to me, not my grandmother.

 

Also, I am not one to join the military of any type, and would you please elaborate on how you think that I have no drive, guidance or passion, please?

[turnera]

How you appear to have no drive or passion:

I have also been practicing a religion with my grandma that I do not believe in completely or even at all. I try to keep her happy as much as I can.

I did not feel that I was ready to go to college but my 2nd cousin that is never around told me that I absolutely had to go to college or Id be kicked out of my grandmothers house. So I went

this is my second time going

I worked my ass off this semester going full time, and I still do not feel I should be going because I don't even have a plan

I even quit my last job bc of myself being told to go to school or Id be out of a place to live

I did receive financial aid, but I did give them 500 bucks to put away (I had to)

They won't let me save my own money

I do not entirely regret going to school this semester I just feel like I need to find a way and make my own plan as to what I want to do.

I feel obligated to do what she tells me but it is making me unhappy and it doesn't feel like what I am supposed to do.

I want to move out. This goes against my grandmothers beliefs completely.

This feels like a detour in my life. I just wanna get back on my path of what I am supposed to do.

 

What you're describing is typical of a 21 year old. Feeling you have to do what 'adults' tell you to do, yet feeling like an adult yourself. The solution is to not just feel like an adult, but start ACTING like an adult. Most parents/caregivers are not going to push their kid out of the nest; it's something the kid has to do. And these feelings you're having are part of what nature gives you so that you DO get fed up enough and move out of the nest.

 

Honestly, I don't see what benefit you're getting from living there. You could easily post an ad for roommates and live in some small apartment for the remainder of your school. Or even just quit school altogether, since you say you don't really know what you want to do and you're just going because 'they' say you have to.

 

So go join Peace Corps or something. There are a million jobs out there you could be doing.

[shvrk]

How you appear to have no drive or passion:

 

 

What you're describing is typical of a 21 year old. Feeling you have to do what 'adults' tell you to do, yet feeling like an adult yourself. The solution is to not just feel like an adult, but start ACTING like an adult. Most parents/caregivers are not going to push their kid out of the nest; it's something the kid has to do. And these feelings you're having are part of what nature gives you so that you DO get fed up enough and move out of the nest.

 

Honestly, I don't see what benefit you're getting from living there. You could easily post an ad for roommates and live in some small apartment for the remainder of your school. Or even just quit school altogether, since you say you don't really know what you want to do and you're just going because 'they' say you have to.

 

So go join Peace Corps or something. There are a million jobs out there you could be doing.

 

Thank you for your advice, I realize that yes this is normal. As I said previously I am actively working moving because there really is not a reason for me to be living here.

[Noproblem]

there are college groups, where they post stuff about needing a roommate,, you should check these groups and find a suitable place with normal and safe people

[shvrk]

Today I'm leaving. My grandma went on a cruise this week so my younger cousin and I had the house to ourselves.

 

My older cousin, the one in this thread would come around give him money, take him out to eat all while not saying a word to me. I didn't really care, but last night when i came home she pretty much told me that I'm a lazy loser and a moocher because I didn't buy garbage bags, because we just ran out. My gma told me that if we did to use the larger shopping bags so we did. I did dishes whenever, let her know when no one was home, took care of the dog and even taken my younger cousin to the mall across town. I was home everynight too. I did everything I was supposed to this week. Now she tells me the living arrangements of me here aren't working out. That I'm not looking for a job hard enough (I set up an appointment at the hiring agency in town, and apply to 4 - 6 places a day) but she does not know that because she doesn't talk to me.

 

She told me that I either need to move back home with my mom, which would only be a step backward, or go somewhere else, or change my behavior. I thought i was going above and beyond to stay right. I've decided to just stay with my boyfriend for a month or so until I become ready to have roommates with some girls i used to work with.

 

Off I go into the real world with little to nothing. Wish me luck, loveshackers .

[turnera]

You'll be fine.

 

My mom sold our house and moved out of town the week I graduated high school. I had to scramble to find a job and a place to stay, find everything I needed to live on, and move out in a week. It was probably the best thing I ever did, cos it taught me how to be independent. It was tough paying for everything but it taught me how to be smart about stuff. I found roommates as needed. It worked out. It was actually pretty liberating to be solely responsible for my own stuff.

 

You'll be fine.

[shvrk]

You'll be fine.

 

My mom sold our house and moved out of town the week I graduated high school. I had to scramble to find a job and a place to stay, find everything I needed to live on, and move out in a week. It was probably the best thing I ever did, cos it taught me how to be independent. It was tough paying for everything but it taught me how to be smart about stuff. I found roommates as needed. It worked out. It was actually pretty liberating to be solely responsible for my own stuff.

 

You'll be fine.

 

Thank you. I do feel like this can help me a great deal. I need to grow up, and work on becoming financially independent and fast. I only have a few more months before I can get out. I know it will be hard but this is a new chapter in my life that only I can have the drive to master. So I will.