Difficult situation with wife, dont see how to find a way to get through

[spiderowl]

Is she taking drugs? Just a thought.

[Alexean]

Hi spiderowl,

 

No, I dont think so...she has started to drink more than she used to (i.e. no drinking at all), I know she has smoked on several times (some menthol light cigarettes), but drugs I dont think so...I think that is smth which terrorizes her...she would not even smoke weed...from all I know, she had smoked only once in her life some pot, and that made her so sick that she never tried again...as for other drugs, stronger kind, I dont think, she would be too scared to have no control on herself...and here, its not like you can get it so easily, and I dont see her approaching the dealers we have here (mostly from Eastern Europe or Turkey)...as for her colleagues who could provide her, I dont see any of them able to do so...I never heard about anything stronger than weed... weed is relatively easy to find, for the rest, you need to really know where, who, .... and I would notice if she was taking smth, I did have my wild years, so its not like I would not be able to attribute such effect to such substance abuse...she doesnt look high at all...more confused and down than high...

[spiderowl]

I would seriously check out to see whether she's having an affair. It's all too easy to overlook the most obvious thing sometimes.

[Alexean]

yes, I do know that does seem the most obvious...and that was one of the first explanations I did consider, but yet, even though, it might seem difficult to explain, it really doesnt seem so...that would make it easier, you know...so as for now, I still consider it as the easiest explanation, one which might not be the simplest or true one...by that I mean that I have only facts to rely on, and those facts dont provide me with any evidence of cheating. The whole situation points more to some medical/psychological issue : as it is the one explanation which requires nothing more than to put all together the known facts...I would need far more to envisage now cheating as the first explanation...

 

I did so at the beginning and until recently, but except if she had some secret service training and is a master in camouflage, manipulation etc. I dont see how, when it could happen...and also, that wouldnt explain the sudden and drastic change of personnality she has went through (as it did take only 2-3 weeks after we were back from holidays) ...By that, I mean cheating doesnt make a person to change her values, ambitions, behavior to such degree, nor someone suddenly loses all pleasure or joy in life, as it doesnt apply only to us, but to her work, her studies, etc...

 

Its like she is a complete different person, and that new her seems to try crushing who she was...as who she was quite often appears - mostly briefly but yet, but that "old her" or "real her" seems always quickly shut down by the other one...I dont know how to explain it, to make it short : I would use the word "possession" ...that how it does look like...even her look, face expressions change, and sometimes when its the real/old her, I find again the look, expressions I used to know...so I dont see how cheating would fit here, nor explain such a drastic change...

 

 

Plus, I think if that was the reason/cause, she would already have acknowledged it...as its not like she is tied to me, she would do as well without me and of course our daughter...by that I mean, she doesnt need me, financially and materially speaking...I dont see why she would maintain this situation if she had found someone else...

 

again, not that I have excluded this option, but right now, its not the one which makes sense...yet, I might be deluding myself, but cheating would really make it easier...

[BetrayedH]

Just my opinion, but cheating does sound likely to me as well. It DOES cause a person to completely change and in the exact ways that you've described. If her affair is with a married person (which is very common), then it explains it even more, especially her depression and irritability around the holidays. Her "friend" that she was so distraught about not seeing was probably her affair partner. Holidays are particularly stressful for affair partners because they have time away from work but are expected to spend it at home and they can't see their AP, sometimes for weeks at a time. If her man is married, she probably lost her mind thinking about her man being with his wife.

 

In that case, you and your daughter are simply obstacles to her engaging in her fantasy. You are a nuisance. Her depression would be because she is stuck. She wants to be with her affair partner but she has this husband and child at home and worse yet, her affair partner is married and (if he's like most cheating married men) either won't leave his wife or always gives excuses about why now isn't the right time. Married men do a lot of "future faking" with their other women. Read on the OM/OW forum and you'll find a ton of women losing their fool heads over it and they just want to make an exit from their marriage but the married man ain't budging. This goes on for YEARS. In the meantime, the husband sits at home wondering what the hell is happening with his wife.

 

I think you should be spending a lot more time quietly investigating rather than doing medical research. Look at her phone (in detail). Look at the phone bill. Look at bank statements. Look at her internet history. Consider buying a voice activated recorder or a GPS for the car. And for chrissakes, don't try to tell us that she wouldn't have time to conduct this affair when you spent paragraph after paragraph telling us she's never home. My wife conducted her affair completely during work hours (mid-day trysts in hotels). They don't need much time. Your wife has oodles.