Am I delusional or is she using me?

[Redhead14]

There is a woman I have been seeing for a month from OLD that I have posted about here a few times. I am starting to wonder if I was deluding myself this whole time that she was interested in me and is really just using me for sex when she wants it.

 

We have seen each other 5 or 6 times at this point. I have initiated all of the phone calls and meetings, except for 1 on her part after I had went silent for a few days. I don't really experience her as wanting to get to know me on a deeper level or showing signs of emotional caring for me. She does bang me often and never does she spend the night, despite my suggesting it a few times now. My life is way busier than hers, but somehow she seems way less available. Her weekends are always full because she says she is hanging with friends and coworkers. She did say I was the first man she slept with in almost two years, so I don't think she is easy or having sex with other men (but then again, I can't say that with full certainty). She usually comes up with an excuse for why she can't hang out (she actually calls it 'hanging out') if I invite her away from my home and for an adventure in the city or something. But she'll usually find time to come over for a few hours once a week, drink a little wine and bang me, and then leave.

 

I feel like many women start to show stronger signs of attachment and investment around this stage of dating, but I have not experienced this yet. She doesn't go out of her way to make room for me, avoids sleepovers, doesn't really ask me about my personal life/past, doesn't allude to the future, rarely touches base with me, etc... Something about her seems very self-interested and not thinking about me, is the only way I know how to put it.

 

I don't want to be needy here, and I've been keeping myself in check in terms of how often I call this woman/push harder romantically so I am not coming off to her as overly eager. But I have definitely showed my interest in making this more than a hookup situation, calling her a few times just to talk and laugh, making sure I didn't have sex with her one time we got together but was still very affectionate with her, asking more about her life/past, etc... It is getting to the point now though where it has been a month and I don't see any increase of investment or interest on her end. I don't want to keep this up if she is just going to be using me for sex, and I am starting to worry that is exactly my situation.

 

Do you think she is using me or am I just overthinking this? How should I handle this?

 

She is a "player". Women do it too. If she's not reciprocating in a balanced way in terms of communication, time spent and showing real interest in getting to know you, move on.

 

As I say to the women, "men don't use women, women allow themselves to be used" . . . the same applies on the flip side for men.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Yeah, I am just really upset that this woman, who even complained to me about her own interpersonal injustices (romantic and beyond), would continue to proceed further with me for a month with all the signals I was throwing out there (overtly and implicitly) without saying a word otherwise, even stringing me along (e.g. "I'll sleep over the next time, maybe we'll get together after I finish with my friends, etc...). Then, not even having the character to follow up with me, vanish, and just leave me hanging like this. I know for fact she wouldn't want to be in this position, and so I expected her character was at least higher than this stuff, but I am really seeing otherwise. It's too bad.

Edited May 5, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[TunaInTheBrine]

Look at the writing on the wall. She has other guys in the picture and is playing the field. She isn't romantically interested in you because you are a needy guy and you move too fast. What's the rush dude... I don't understand your thinking. You are in direct competition with other men for this girl yet you think you're owed reciprocity beyond the fact that she is, you know, letting you have sex with her. That's a huge pain in the ass for you, isn't it. To have sex with a good-looking woman and not have to deal with any of the baggage every other guy out there is dealing with. Man she owes you so much.

 

Use her the exact same way. Never pay for a meal, never ask her to be your gf or do anything beyond have sex with you, when you feel like it, then get the hell away from you. You need to be asking yourself what has she done exactly to deserve a serious conversation with you or for you to allow her to be your girlfriend.

 

Meanwhile start looking around for a much more conservative and emotionally dependent woman to date long term. This will up your chances with this particular girl 1 billion percent (non-needy guys with options=attractive) while simultaneously allowing you to find a more compatible girl.

 

I understand the perspective you are coming from, but this way of thinking assumes that it is proper to use someone for sexual gratification with no feelings attached and not proper to do otherwise. I have no judgment on the issue either way, except that I know what is right for me. This woman KNOWS I am not into meaningless interactions that lack substance and depth or are only based on hooking up. She even claims to be strictly monogamous!

 

I don't see it as 'needy' to hope that in making romantic connections with someone, things progress and deepen with time. Do I expect her to call me and tell me she wants to be my girlfriend right now? No. Do I want her to throw me a bone, reschedule plans when we're busy, give back a meaningful interaction to me? Hell yes. I accept no less from her or other women. If we're just going to sniff each others' asses and jump into bed without any substance or meaning, I want no part of it. We are people, not emotionless limbs with pleasure sticks and holes.

 

Maybe I just expect too much these days. I have had sex with more women than most men I know, and back in my twenties this current issue would have been just another day to me. But I'm a different kind of man now. Even if connections never evolve into an LTR for me, I still expect an authentic and meaningful interaction that is honest. If I just want to get my jollies off, scratch my ass, and not feel anything for anyone, I can just masturbate at home.

 

The good news is that I am very confident in my ability to attract other women. I'm just more of a one-woman kind of guy (and to think, she told ME she was strictly monogamous!) and like to try things one woman at a time. If she doesn't care for her place in my life, someone else will. The next guy can have her.

Edited May 5, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[joseb]

Yeah, I am just really upset that this woman, who even complained to me about her own interpersonal injustices (romantic and beyond), would continue to proceed further with me for a month with all the signals I was throwing out there (overtly and implicitly) without saying a word otherwise, even stringing me along .

 

A month is nothing - seriously, I know you seem to think that you have wasted a lot of time on this, but a month?

Personally, I would take a lot longer than a month to really know if I liked someone. I think you are just expecting too much too soon.

The connections you talk about will develop, or they wont.

Maybe she is a player, and is using you. Maybe not.

You seem to be getting so angry about a month - I know people who have been in relationships 1 2 or more years before they realise their partner isn't that into them and was just using them.

 

I'd suggest not sleeping with women so early when clearly you don't want to.

Date women looking for long term commitment.

 

How do you feel about dating several women (but not sleeping with them) at the same time over a longer period of time?

[TunaInTheBrine]

How do you feel about dating several women (but not sleeping with them) at the same time over a longer period of time?

 

Not good. I believe that most women who are dating around are sleeping with someone, and if it's not you, then it's someone else (and even if it is you, it may be someone else if she is dating multiple people). I won't court a woman who is sleeping with someone else and meeting up with me. Just not my style from both an emotional and practical (STI risk) perspective. I am monogamous and tend to look for women who also are. I am also an incredibly sexual guy, and if I like the girl, we are probably going to have sex within at least a handful of dates. I could never date multiple women at a time and be having sex with just one or more than one of them. I date one at a time, and if I like her, I continue seeing her. If it doesn't work out, I move on.

Edited May 5, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[joseb]

Not good.

Fair enough, it's not everyone's cup of tea.

 

I am also an incredibly sexual guy, and if I like the girl, we are probably going to have sex within at least a handful of dates.

 

Nothing wrong with that I guess. But if you are looking for a deep and meaningful long term relationship and don't like feeling like women use you for sex, you might need to rethink this.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Fair enough, it's not everyone's cup of tea.

 

 

 

Nothing wrong with that I guess. But if you are looking for a deep and meaningful long term relationship and don't like feeling like women use you for sex, you might need to rethink this.

 

I have. The problem that I face though is that IME most women are horny and want to get laid. If you don't give it up soon, they will think you are less of a man for not pursuing them sexually and/or feel like they must not be attractive enough to get you going. So, I'm sort of forced to participate in hookup culture and get hurt a lot in the process of trying to find an LTR.

[fitnessfan365]

I have. The problem that I face though is that IME most women are horny and want to get laid. If you don't give it up soon, they will think you are less of a man for not pursuing them sexually and/or feel like they must not be attractive enough to get you going. So, I'm sort of forced to participate in hookup culture and get hurt a lot in the process of trying to find an LTR.

 

That might be true in some cases, but not in all.

 

When I'm multi-dating to narrow down to the one woman I want to focus on, I keep dates in public. While I am assertive and build sexual tension, I never have sex with any of them. This doesn't stop any of the women I date, from wanting to keep spending time with me. If anything, the fact that I am both assertive with sexual aura, and a gentleman not trying to have sex with them builds attraction.

 

I believe in monogamy and don't like multiple sex partners though. So that's why I only have sex with the one woman I want to get more serious with.

[TunaInTheBrine]

That might be true in some cases, but not in all.

I believe in monogamy and don't like multiple sex partners though. So that's why I only have sex with the one woman I want to get more serious with.

 

So then how do you emotionally handle the fact that she could be banging someone else while she is seeing you, and since you are not giving it to her, she winds up feeling more bonded with the person she is sleeping with? Also, do you ask them if they are having sex with anyone?