Author OneWord Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 OK, first let me thank you for your grounded comments and insight. As to our ages he's 35 I'm 45. I do need to tell you I've never told him not to masturbate. I have no problem with this so long as it's the back up plan not the principal source of pleasure. I do it too. It's just not my idea of Plan/QUOTE] OP my situation is reversed, my wife is 45, and I'm 39. Since we've been together, she hasn't had to masturbate since I'm always home. As 45 year old women if you had your choice how often would you want sex? On average I'd say I'd be satisfied with once or twice a week. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ww_girl Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 We've been married just 15 months and I can't remember the last time we had sex. It's been at least 5 months. Talked (argued really) about it (again, sigh . . .) last night and the take is that he has a hang up about taking the initiative, but hey, his sex drive is fine cuz he masturbates daily . . . This is extremely disconcerting to me. I cannot get my head around that. He says he is incredibly attracted to me, but the possibility that I may reject him is a stronger drive than the desire to have sex with me. I subscribe to the concept that if you want something you find a way. In the past I have initiated. When we do have sex it's amazing but many times he rejects me so I too am hesitant to initiate because of this not to mention that I was raised with the notion that women do not initiate. I can honestly say I am never not in the mood for sex - even if I am dead tired. I'm wide awake and willing to play at the slightest hint, especially because it's so infrequent. So the bottom line is he masturbates, I masturbate but we don't have sex together. I was wondering if any men out there can relate to this and can shed some light or if any women out there have dealt with this too. It seems awfully foreign to me to not have my guy trying to get in my pants on a regular basis and it's wreaking havoc on our relationship. Oh my god! You are ME 10 years ago!!! Your H is my H. Run, get out now while you can!!! Seriously, this describes my sexual relationship with my husband to a tee, especially at the beginning. I was exactly where you are, about a year into your marriage. I told him if we didn't work on it or it was a dealbreaker, and he finally agreed that he would. I decided that I had to decide if I could accept that, and I did. Then we had kids, and then I felt trapped. At times I would hit a wall and we would fight and he would try to do better... for a while. Then back to old habits. 10 years later I ended up having an affair and here I am. I'm sorry, but if I had it to do over (and didn't know about the beautiful children I would have), I would get divorced. If you stay, you're pretty much sacrificing your sexuality. And that's a big part of you. Alternatively, seek out a sex therapist and give it all you've got to fix it. But if he won't work on it with dedication or things don't improve, you have to leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillcold Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 The reason why your H won't have sex with you is because porn has killed his sex drive for you. Please get your husband to stop watching porn as he most likely has an addiction to it which is giving him porn induced ED. The reason I say this is because it happened to me and countless other men. Porn is destroying your sex life and marriage and needs to be stopped. Any normal and healthy man would not turn down sex from a wife like you. If you want more information google "youbrainonporn" and check out the website. You'll find the answers as to why your H isn't having sex anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneWord Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 "The bottom line is he suggested something similar to what you did - that we regularly set aside an evening where we both know we're available and we can do things that may lead to sex so there's no pressure on either of us to initiate - we'll know it's a sure thing although it doesn't have to be." This works . . . :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneWord Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 The reason why your H won't have sex with you is because porn has killed his sex drive for you. Please get your husband to stop watching porn as he most likely has an addiction to it which is giving him porn induced ED. The reason I say this is because it happened to me and countless other men. Porn is destroying your sex life and marriage and needs to be stopped. Any normal and healthy man would not turn down sex from a wife like you. If you want more information google "youbrainonporn" and check out the website. You'll find the answers as to why your H isn't having sex anymore. Yeah, thanks. He doesn't have ED. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneWord Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 Oh my god! You are ME 10 years ago!!! Your H is my H. Run, get out now while you can!!! Seriously, this describes my sexual relationship with my husband to a tee, especially at the beginning. I was exactly where you are, about a year into your marriage. I told him if we didn't work on it or it was a dealbreaker, and he finally agreed that he would. I decided that I had to decide if I could accept that, and I did. Then we had kids, and then I felt trapped. At times I would hit a wall and we would fight and he would try to do better... for a while. Then back to old habits. 10 years later I ended up having an affair and here I am. I'm sorry, but if I had it to do over (and didn't know about the beautiful children I would have), I would get divorced. If you stay, you're pretty much sacrificing your sexuality. And that's a big part of you. Alternatively, seek out a sex therapist and give it all you've got to fix it. But if he won't work on it with dedication or things don't improve, you have to leave. Thanks. I really appreciate your input. We're definitely going to a therapist and we'll see how it goes. I mentioned in an earlier post that he has been by my side through some pretty tough challenges. He didn't have to stay, probably should've left me. I agree that if he's not fully committed to improving the situation I'll have to make decisions but we're not there yet. We've both grown and changed for the better since we've been together. I don't know whether this is insurmountable but I am sure as hell not going to give up without a fight. So long as we're both committed to our marriage and to making improvements, even if it's baby steps, I'm all in. I'll update this as things move along. Oldshirt's suggestion worked very well. We set aside Saturday night with the caveat that we'd both be open to sex but with no expectations, no pressure. We spent most of the day and evening together, didn't have sex - we were both exhausted. First thing Sunday morning he went for it and we did and it was great. I don't know if this is as simple as removing the "who's going to take the initiative" barrier. We're both curious as to why we both have this hang up so we decided we'll go see a shrink and have fun figuring it out. Stay tuned . . . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Regarding the porn....it may be a problem. But I confess I always chuckle when people suggest "make your spouse X" or "get your spouse to stop Y." How exactly is someone supposed to do that? Tie them up or password lock the computer like they are 5? Your H's behavior is his responsibility. "Getting him to stop" something really shouldn't have to be your job on top of everything else. It's just one ore example of how the sex-starved spouse is supposed to be responsible for everything in order to get sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Crispy Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 My wife doesn't know I masturbate and would be absolutely infuriated if she did find out regardless of the fact that she never wants to have sex. Kind of the opposite situation, but the same problem, OneWord. Link to post Share on other sites
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