Sexless marriage

[Gloria25]

Oldshirt: no abuse per se outside of the sexual neglect. He does have passive aggressive tendencies (don't we all?) that drive me nuts, but I am not exempt ; we all have something. :-/ He is a good person, certainly the best man I have ever been in a relationship with. This whole sexual neglect conundrum has caught me flatfooted. I'm at a loss. I will check out the books you suggested. Thanks again.

 

We are not saying he's a bad guy...

 

But in RLs we gotta decide what's a dealbreaker or not. Sex and actual "intimacy" within the sex between two people is the glue that makes them actual "man and wife".

 

If having a good guy over a sexless RL is what you want, then that's all fine and dandy.

 

I also wonder if him choosing a younger woman has to do with him hopefully snagging a woman with less "worldly" experience who wouldn't recognize the red flags you are raising in this RL. I mean, an older woman - like myself - who's been around the block would have nipped in the budd and/or seen a lot of more red flags that you are now seeing after 15 months of marriage. With age comes experience - hence, why we older women get more picky/selective

[dreamingoftigers]

Agreed...

 

I AM the "imaginary girlfriend" and it's been going on strong for one year now...

 

His "wife" could pass for his mom if you ask me. She is very plain, she dresses frumpy and barely puts on any make-up. She is also overweight. I don't get what he sees in her, but I figured it out and pondered the same thing you've pondered. (well, she does have a cute face - but that's about it).

 

I have an explanation and think I "figured it out" thanks to my fav podcaster. Some men have had dominant mothers. And, they fear getting involved with a woman who will have that "power" over them. So, they seek out women that don't really have a "hold" on them.

 

That is the case with the guy I am talking about. His wife - who could pass for his mother (not his actual mother) is "comfortable" for him. She doesn't "intimidate" him so he doesn't feel she can "dominate" him like his mother did. In other words, he's "lukewarm" about her.

 

Me, on the other hand, I can light his fire...and he's scared of that. He's afraid that if he lets me in, I will "control" him like his mommy...He also fears he may not measure up to me.

 

But, in a weird way, he craves a dominant woman...sexually he gets turned on by a woman who is in control of him in the bedroom.

 

I don't know...it's been a year now. We almost had sex once, but all he does is obsessively stare at me and other stuff that irks at me...sometimes I wanna just give him the finger.

 

It's frustrating for me, cuz, it's like sometimes I just want him to cross that line and come to me...when I see him with her, it upsets me cuz while I've been the OW in different situations, at least I was getting sex and/or attention from the MM.

 

In this case, he doesn't even want me in the same feet length...When he sees me, he runs away and other weird stuff. Like if he sees I like a particular perfume, he'll go buy it for her and I'm like WTF? Buy it for "me" - not her.

 

I feel bad for him at times, cuz sometimes I have empathy for his internal conflict. I mean, I have intimacy issues - I know what it is like to fear getting close to people. Also, I do not want to have kids and the whole "white picket fence thing" - so, while I don't care for his wife...thing is, I think marriage and kids are good for men. It calms them down and gives them purpose/direction.

 

But, at the same time - I believe if he and I could have a "mutually beneficial" situation where he and I get our "needs" met and go back to our lives - undisturbed.

 

So, I'm frustrated cuz I want him and sick of him just "staring" and not acting. But, at the same time, I wouldn't want him to lose what he has cuz while I could cook for him, rock his world in the bedroom, be "his" (not sleep around on him - I mean, I am a one-man woman) and then some - I can't give him what probably would be good for him in the long run (companionship and children). I mean, great sex and good times only goes so far.

 

Eh, but I have my days I think he's just gaslighting me and enjoys attention from me to get an "ego boost"...and, that has got me to the point where at times I get disgusted of him cuz who wants to be made a fool of? But really, I think it's the "latter" - which is he probably has intimacy issues like I do. Regardless, I gotta move on...But, I am and have been looking at other prospects, just none have gotten my "full" attention yet

 

Sorry for the rant - but I've been on LS for a minute and dreamoftigers' post hit home for my current situation.

 

For the OP, look, before you start having kids and all that - I recommend you sit down with your husband and have him come clean with what's going on. I mean, in the case of my MM, I think his wife could care less. I mean, they barely spend time together - they are like ships passing in the night and maybe she also has "issues" why she's ok with a set-up like that (or is too naive to figure out she's not gonna stand for 20 years of that).

 

But, in your case, it "is" an issue for you and IMO, better to nip it in the butt now instead of a few years and kids down the line. I had a woman call into my fav podcaster who married a guy knowing he had intimacy issues cuz she had them too, but two kids and a couple of years later - she wants more out of a marriage and family life....don't be that woman.

 

Good luck...

 

In your case Gloria, Madonna/Whore Complex

 

Madonna?whore complex - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Funnily enough, my husband's father has the same name as the clinical psychologist who wrote about it.

 

I showed him the link one time and we really laughed about it.

Good, strong German name.

[Gloria25]

In your case Gloria, Madonna/Whore Complex

 

Madonna?whore complex - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Funnily enough, my husband's father has the same name as the clinical psychologist who wrote about it.

 

I showed him the link one time and we really laughed about it.

Good, strong German name.

 

Nah, not the Madonna/Whore complex...

 

If I'm interpreting the M/W complex right, it is that men (and even women) have difficulty shifting gears into being a vixen vs. a "wife" and/or "mother".

 

My fav podcater, I've listened to her for years and it was like barely a month or so ago when I heard this caller and I put 2 + 2 together with my MM. My fav podcaster didn't describe her conclusions as any sort of "complex" - but she's good. She broke it down to where my jaw dropped.

 

And I believe her...

 

Our desires from a mate do stem in part from our relationship with our parents.

 

My father was a very dark black man. He was physically and mentally abusive (not sexually). He was also not a very touchy/feely guy. So, no hugs, no kisses, etc. He also ranted and raved about how he hated white people and how he didn't like "half-breeds" (hello, I am a mixed woman - your child - who you also had with a mixed woman ).

 

Well, I have no attraction to black men. They do not excite me in the least. I've never dated, kissed, had sex with a black man. And, that is not changing. I believe it has to do with my dad being such a jerk. Now, while I am not attracted to black men, I lean towards stoic men - like my dad...very quiet and demanding.

 

So, it's weird - I shun away from certain things about my dad (his race and/or physical characteristics of his race), but at the same time I lean towards some of his characteristics/personality (a stoic and demanding guy). I think the same is with the MM I am talking about - he shuns away from women that would remind him of his mum, but at the same time he craves certain things about her. I mean, I've seen his mum...she looks like a spitfire (a dominant woman).

 

BTW, I do enjoy shrinking heads - I love trying to figure out what makes people "tick".

Edited May 3, 2015 by Gloria25

[OneWord]

I also wonder if him choosing a younger woman has to do with him hopefully snagging a woman with less "worldly" experience who wouldn't recognize the red flags you are raising in this RL. I mean, an older woman - like myself - who's been around the block would have nipped in the budd and/or seen a lot of more red flags that you are now seeing after 15 months of marriage. With age comes experience - hence, why we older women get more picky/selective

 

Um, I never wrote that he is older. He's actually 10 years younger than me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Nah, not the Madonna/Whore complex...

 

If I'm interpreting the M/W complex right, it is that men (and even women) have difficulty shifting gears into being a vixen vs. a "wife" and/or "mother".

 

My fav podcater, I've listened to her for years and it was like barely a month or so ago when I heard this caller and I put 2 + 2 together with my MM. My fav podcaster didn't describe her conclusions as any sort of "complex" - but she's good. She broke it down to where my jaw dropped.

 

And I believe her...

 

Our desires from a mate do stem in part from our relationship with our parents.

 

My father was a very dark black man. He was physically and mentally abusive (not sexually). He was also not a very touchy/feely guy. So, no hugs, no kisses, etc. He also ranted and raved about how he hated white people and how he didn't like "half-breeds" (hello, I am a mixed woman - your child - who you also had with a mixed woman ).

 

Well, I have no attraction to black men. They do not excite me in the least. I've never dated, kissed, had sex with a black man. And, that is not changing. I believe it has to do with my dad being such a jerk. Now, while I am not attracted to black men, I lean towards stoic men - like my dad...very quiet and demanding.

 

So, it's weird - I shun away from certain things about my dad (his race and/or physical characteristics of his race), but at the same time I lean towards some of his characteristics/personality (a stoic and demanding guy). I think the same is with the MM I am talking about - he shuns away from women that would remind him of his mum, but at the same time he craves certain things about her. I mean, I've seen his mum...she looks like a spitfire (a dominant woman).

 

BTW, I do enjoy shrinking heads - I love trying to figure out what makes people "tick".

 

M/W complex is about attaching to a mate like a mother-figure, not being able to "eff" her and then wanting to "eff" other women but looking down on them at the same time.

 

Like "sex is dirty, I can't do that with my wife, and don't want a wife that has that kind of power over me, so I'll marry someone that I am not attracted to OR marry someone that I am attracted to BUT treat them like a place-marker whilst I pursue outside interests that I cannot be more than superficially resentful toward."

[dreamingoftigers]

M/W complex is about attaching to a mate like a mother-figure, not being able to "eff" her and then wanting to "eff" other women but looking down on them at the same time.

 

Like "sex is dirty, I can't do that with my wife, and don't want a wife that has that kind of power over me, so I'll marry someone that I am not attracted to OR marry someone that I am attracted to BUT treat them like a place-marker whilst I pursue outside interests that I cannot be more than superficially resentful toward."

 

* Sorry, I meant superficially or short-term intimacy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Nah, not the Madonna/Whore complex...

 

If I'm interpreting the M/W complex right, it is that men (and even women) have difficulty shifting gears into being a vixen vs. a "wife" and/or "mother".

 

My fav podcater, I've listened to her for years and it was like barely a month or so ago when I heard this caller and I put 2 + 2 together with my MM. My fav podcaster didn't describe her conclusions as any sort of "complex" - but she's good. She broke it down to where my jaw dropped.

 

And I believe her...

 

Our desires from a mate do stem in part from our relationship with our parents.

 

My father was a very dark black man. He was physically and mentally abusive (not sexually). He was also not a very touchy/feely guy. So, no hugs, no kisses, etc. He also ranted and raved about how he hated white people and how he didn't like "half-breeds" (hello, I am a mixed woman - your child - who you also had with a mixed woman ).

 

Well, I have no attraction to black men. They do not excite me in the least. I've never dated, kissed, had sex with a black man. And, that is not changing. I believe it has to do with my dad being such a jerk. Now, while I am not attracted to black men, I lean towards stoic men - like my dad...very quiet and demanding.

 

So, it's weird - I shun away from certain things about my dad (his race and/or physical characteristics of his race), but at the same time I lean towards some of his characteristics/personality (a stoic and demanding guy). I think the same is with the MM I am talking about - he shuns away from women that would remind him of his mum, but at the same time he craves certain things about her. I mean, I've seen his mum...she looks like a spitfire (a dominant woman).

 

BTW, I do enjoy shrinking heads - I love trying to figure out what makes people "tick".

 

BTW, I have read as women that we tend to end up with either "Our Dads" or the "Exact opposite."

 

I tried the exact opposite before meeting my husband.

 

My Dad, too, was abusive/rejecting etc. Couldn't stand his personality etc.

 

I didn't want someone like him at all. etc.

 

So I ended up marrying someone with what I would call "complimentary" traits.

 

Unfortunately, he makes my father look like a picnic. Yikes/arg!

[Gloria25]

M/W complex is about attaching to a mate like a mother-figure, not being able to "eff" her and then wanting to "eff" other women but looking down on them at the same time.

 

Like "sex is dirty, I can't do that with my wife, and don't want a wife that has that kind of power over me, so I'll marry someone that I am not attracted to OR marry someone that I am attracted to BUT treat them like a place-marker whilst I pursue outside interests that I cannot be more than superficially resentful toward."

 

Agreed and I understand you a lot better now...

 

Cuz the MM guy I speak of? His wife does not resemble his actual mum (cuz remember, he wants to get a woman that does not remind him of his dominant mum), but she is like not "sexy"...like, you'll never catch her wearing a full bodystocking and/or a thong...I mean, she is like a wet napkin - no "sexy/sensuality/passion" in her persona. So, he has no strong enthusiasm to "boink" her, but he can be like a roommate/buddy with her and get along on that level.

 

And yes, the MM guy I speak of? He seems to desire me, yet goes into bouts where he considers me a 'disease he must rid himself of' and/or he'll come up with ten reasons why I would reject him. So, he wants to "f-" me, but at the same time he cannot stand me....AND, that's when I come back and get into online spats with him cuz, I'm frustrated that he desires me - yet sees me as poop at the same time. Again, who wants to be ying-yanged like that?

 

I mean, he seems to do things that he knows I would approve of - yet he does it for "her"....then, he talks about how I'm a "self-righteous" byach...and I'm like "whoa" WTF? How can you desire and hate me at the same time?

Edited May 3, 2015 by Gloria25

[Gloria25]

Um, I never wrote that he is older. He's actually 10 years younger than me.

 

Well, same thing IMO, but in reverse...

 

Probably you are like a "mommy" to him, and now the part where he's starting to resent "mommy" has arrived.

 

But I'm not saying your situation is like mine, I was just expanding on one of the posts on your thread.

 

But still, at the end of the day, IMO, I recommend you call the meeting to order and straighten out whatever's going on.

 

If there's 10 yr gap, do you mind telling us your ages?

[dreamingoftigers]

I find that guys who have the M/W stuff going on have narcissistic tendencies and go through the whole valuing/devaluing cycle much like BPD people do. I had that much worse when I was younger before EMDR therapy.

 

I no longer fit into the diagnosis of having BPD.

 

Anyhow:

 

this guy has a ton of videos on Narcissism and they have been helpful in spotting issues in my own "marriage."

[wineberry]

It seems awfully foreign to me to not have my guy trying to get in my pants on a regular basis and it's wreaking havoc on our relationship.

 

This was foreign to me to, until a few years ago. One boyfriend had what I think was an Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), an anxiety disorder. He would NEVER initiate sex. Sufferers of OCPD have control issues, it's a coping mechanism for their anxiety. By you always initiating, he has control. The spouse who says no to sex is in control.

 

Also, the guy with OCPD had mild erectile dysfunction (ED). I believe he would also often turn me down because he feared he wouldn't get an erection, especially in the evenings. Rather than say, I want to make love to you but I don't think I can get an erection, he would just reject sex, not realizing that as some men get older, they have to find other ways to make love besides traditional penetration. This was a very frustrating situation, I would actually have to tell him, tomorrow morning I would like you to initiate sex. And sometimes that worked.

 

My next boyfriend had a sexual performance anxiety, and he too would NEVER initiate sex. We didn't have sex for the first 6 months of dating, and every time I tried to discuss it he said he felt pressured. I tried to be patient figuring he was either "love shy" or had ED. After our attempts at penetration, it was quickly confirmed he had a sexual performance anxiety, which he was in denial about. The fear or anxiety of not being able to perform was debilitating for him. But he would at least tell me, "I find you sexy and I want to make love to you, but I'm afraid to initiate and not be able to perform, so why start something I cannot finish."

 

I'm seeing someone now who also has ED, he's 60, but he has no trouble initiating sex. I believe his ED is mental but mostly physical. I'm encouraging him to see a urologist. Unlike the other two, he doesn't reject me for sex, and he doesn't have OCPD or severe performance anxiety. But we cannot have "traditional sex" as in penetration.

 

Although all three had some form of ED, they each handled it differently. There's an article on the-generous-husband site which you may find helpful, don't know if I can post the link here, just search for "the-generous-husband control and sex".

 

If not addressed, a sexless marriage will only get worse and may cause you to be angry and resentful. You need to communicate and address this immediately, whether it be ED or low testosterone or control issues.

 

Personally, not having sex is a deal breaker for me.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

Yes, he uses porn. I am hesitant to "get him to stop spanking" because who the hell am I to tell him not to masturbate? But, the truth is I suspect it's an addiction for all the reasons you posited above. The alpha and beta info along with the porn overindulgence fits the bill. I hate this . . .

 

Daily porn/masturbation while you go unsatisfied is a problem and is unacceptable. It is some form of dysfunction that needs to be addressed.

 

 

( Check out "your brain on porn." While I'm not sure I completely agree with this, I do think it makes some good points. )

 

 

In some ways, somebody that has a porn/masturbation problem that is causing their partner to go without, needs to be addressed as it would if he were having an affair with another woman. Starting thinking of the porn as another woman and dealing with it as such.

 

 

Now to fair and reasonable, I don't think it is appropriate to ban ALL masturbation. But it is reasonable to put boundaries on the spanking that is depriving you.

 

 

So in other words, it is perfectly OK for him to spank if you are out of town for a week or if you are sick or somehow out of commission for a period of time.

 

 

You need to start shifting your mindset to the realization that this is an actual marital problem with potential catastrophic results. This isn't just a quirk or annoyance like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste or leaving the toilet seat up. He's basically having an affair with hundreds of naked women on youporn.

[oldshirt]

Um, I never wrote that he is older. He's actually 10 years younger than me.

 

 

 

This may be something that may need to be addressed professionally as well.

 

 

10 years is big gap for older woman/younger man and very atypical.

 

 

As some of the other posters have pointed out, he may be getting some mommy issues out of the deal.

 

 

Not a true Madonna/whore complex per se but if a man is starting to see his partner as a nurturing and mature mommy figure, it can really kill the sexual attraction for her.

 

 

And that may also complicate the masturbation issue as now you have Mommy telling him not to play with his winky-winky.

 

 

And depending on your actual ages, he may have women up to 20 years younger than you giving him the eye.

 

 

I don't really have solutions here for you but rather the advice of consulting professional counseling and guidance as you do have some real issue and problems here that may take a professional to sort out and address.

[autumnnight]

The spouse who says no to sex is in control.

 

Sadly this is true. This is why it rarely gets better and why withholders go bonkers when you poke at their refusal.

[ascendotum]

This was foreign to me to, until a few years ago. One boyfriend had what I think was an Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), an anxiety disorder. He would NEVER initiate sex. Sufferers of OCPD have control issues, it's a coping mechanism for their anxiety. By you always initiating, he has control. The spouse who says no to sex is in control.

This doesn't make sense to me. To me the proactive one has the control. If he was single and in a nite club trying to pick up, then no. The women have the upper hand there, but in a relationship??? If the gf/wife was a moody bitch and often was not in the mood then I would get that the guy would lose the power but if its not that then, I don't get it. I also don't fully appreciate why a guy who had a dominant mother and hated it would not choose a sweet submissive girl for a wife, where he can be act alpha at home even though he isn't in day to day life.

 

Also, the guy with OCPD had mild erectile dysfunction (ED). I believe he would also often turn me down because he feared he wouldn't get an erection, especially in the evenings. Rather than say, I want to make love to you but I don't think I can get an erection, he would just reject sex, not realizing that as some men get older, they have to find other ways to make love besides traditional penetration. This was a very frustrating situation, I would actually have to tell him, tomorrow morning I would like you to initiate sex.

This would make sense to me that a guy. I've had to knock it back when I'm too exhausted after work and/or had too much to drink. I'm cool letting a gf know but less so for a potential ONS.

 

The bad thing about the OP's situation (apart from the obvious) and also what I hear in quite a number of marriages where the husbands are complaining is the bait and switch aspect to this. when I first read married just 15 mths I wondered why she married him but things flipped soon after the vows. That sucks and you wonder why no porn effect before. So many other husbands with wives that soon chubbed up would be shaking their head reading about a recently married fitness/bikini comp competitor going without. I don't get how a guy who is married to a wife that is bang up for action can worry about rejection. I bet its more like performance anxiety because he is depleted from his pron habit.

[elaine567]

This doesn't make sense to me. To me the proactive one has the control.

 

He is control because he holds the sex card.

He decides if they have sex or not, she wants it all the time but she has to wait until he is ready for sex and if he says no, then nothing happens.

She has no control.

She can attempt to seduce, she can try ordering him, she can stamp her little foot or cry every day, but unless he says yes, then it is all futile.

The only control some woman have over sex, is when their man knows he has only one viable outlet for sex and if he has a healthy appetite. He needs it and he needs his woman to give it up for him. She can then call the cards.

 

BUT if he is happy being asexual, if he is happy with sporadic sex or he is a happy porn addict, then she has no control, she just has to wait till he is in the mood and that may be verging on never, in some instances.

[ascendotum]

He is control because he holds the sex card.

He decides if they have sex or not, she wants it all the time but she has to wait until he is ready for sex and if he says no, then nothing happens.

She has no control.

She can attempt to seduce, she can try ordering him, she can stamp her little foot or cry every day, but unless he says yes, then it is all futile.

The only control some woman have over sex, is when their man knows he has only one viable outlet for sex and if he has a healthy appetite. He needs it and he needs his woman to give it up for him. She can then call the cards.

 

BUT if he is happy being asexual, if he is happy with sporadic sex or he is a happy porn addict, then she has no control, she just has to wait till he is in the mood and that may be verging on never, in some instances.

 

I still don't quite see that as control. If she was putting the moves on him and he was knocking her back then I would, just like the moody, 'not tonite Ive got a headache' wife, unless he does something to please her and is rewarded. Its just a silent standoff. Her hands are not tied from putting the moves on him-grabbing his crotch or ass or running her hands under his shirt, playful wrestling, or yanking his pants down and inspiring him to action. I do think the designated fun night is a good idea. If that always ended up with him giving her the 'not tonite honey I'm tired' line, then I could see her getting disillusioned and dropping it. I'd be surprised this crappy situation as a power play though. Vast majority of horny guys will pull something else for that rather than sacrifice the nookie with a sexy wife.

Edited May 4, 2015 by ascendotum

[Diezel]

Sexless marriage = Divorce

 

Get out of this relationship before your sanity and your self-esteem become an absolute zero.

[elaine567]

I still don't quite see that as control. If she was putting the moves on him and he was knocking her back then I would, just like the moody, 'not tonite Ive got a headache' wife, unless he does something to please her and is rewarded. Its just a silent standoff. Her hands are not tied from putting the moves on him-grabbing his crotch or ass or running her hands under his shirt, playful wrestling, or yanking his pants down and inspiring him to action. I do think the designated fun night is a good idea. If that always ended up with him giving her the 'not tonite honey I'm tired' line, then I could see her getting disillusioned and dropping it. I'd be surprised this crappy situation as a power play though. Vast majority of horny guys will pull something else for that rather than sacrifice the nookie with a sexy wife.

 

She IS getting knocked back, though.

She has no control over their sex life together, he holds all the cards here.

 

many times he rejects me so I too am hesitant to initiate because of this

 

ascendotum,

YOU are looking at this through the eyes of the average horny guy who will be persuaded into sex even if he has just run a marathon or completed 15 hours of a physically tough night shift.

This is not your average guy here, this is a guy who is not interested in sex (with her). She can do all the hand moves, the sexy words, the provocative gestures, wear the right stuff and all he needs to do is say is "Not now", move away from her or ignore her completely.

I don't think this is power play necessarily but she will feel out of control in that she has had no sex for 5 months and there was not one thing SHE could have done about it.

[Soxfaninfl]

You should tell her that you feel sexually frustrated, not hold that in. It can't be all about her and only her all the time. Believe it or not, she may interpret your never trying to have sex as you never wanting it anymore and that you're okay with the arrangement. This is how I think my xMM and his W are on the surface. They both think the other is okay with not having sex anymore because neither goes to the other for it.

 

It's also strange that your W doesn't even notice that you're masturbating everyday. You must spend a lot of time apart or do you stay up later than her every night?

 

I can't tell her that. I'm the one that told her to start the antidepressants because she was upset all the time because she feels like a failure because she has no job right now. She did say that once she starts antidepressants, she has zero sex drive. She is switching to a different antidepressant that has zero sexual side effects, but that will take a couple of months. The down fall of the new antidepressant is one of the side effects is upset stomach. Right now her stress is causing her to have upset stomach all the time, and when this happens she has no sex drive also. It feels like a no win situation.

 

I told her that my sexual frustration is less important than her emotional well being, and we need to get her to a good place. That is why I told her to start the antidepressants. I guess I just have to ride this out and be patient. I hint at it from time to time, and tell her how beautiful and sexy she is, but it doesn't help at all.

 

I work from home, so I just do it in the bathroom during the day. I'm not sure if she knows or not. I don't bring it up.

Edited May 4, 2015 by Soxfaninfl

[OneWord]

This may be something that may need to be addressed professionally as well.

 

 

10 years is big gap for older woman/younger man and very atypical.

 

 

As some of the other posters have pointed out, he may be getting some mommy issues out of the deal.

 

 

Not a true Madonna/whore complex per se but if a man is starting to see his partner as a nurturing and mature mommy figure, it can really kill the sexual attraction for her.

 

 

And that may also complicate the masturbation issue as now you have Mommy telling him not to play with his winky-winky.

 

 

And depending on your actual ages, he may have women up to 20 years younger than you giving him the eye.

 

 

I don't really have solutions here for you but rather the advice of consulting professional counseling and guidance as you do have some real issue and problems here that may take a professional to sort out and address.

 

OK, first let me thank you for your grounded comments and insight. As to our ages he's 35 I'm 45.

 

I do need to tell you I've never told him not to masturbate. I have no problem with this so long as it's the back up plan not the principal source of pleasure. I do it too. It's just not my idea of Plan A. :-/

 

Now I may be wrong, but I honestly don't think this is a mommy issue. His mother is the least dominant person I know. It is almost aggravating the extent to which she's a pushover. Some relevant info, we are both high 6 figure income earners. Although he is an introvert and I am an extrovert make no mistake about it, we didn't get to these positions by being spineless. But that may in and of itself be the reason why we both would rather have a passive role in the bedroom . . who knows??

 

Anyway, the update is we had a long talk about this tonight. He acknowledges that his conduct is not acceptable. We are both very open with each other. The bottom line is he suggested something similar to what you did - that we regularly set aside an evening where we both know we're available and we can do things that may lead to sex so there's no pressure on either of us to initiate - we'll know it's a sure thing although it doesn't have to be. He also suggested that he find a therapist and asked me to go with him. He became very emotional and remorseful understanding how this is affecting our relationship. At this point, I really can't ask for more. I will keep you posted and I'm hoping this will be one case where a positive outcome resulted. Again I really appreciate your insight. Very constructive POV. The shrink is going to have a field day with us.

[OneWord]

Daily porn/masturbation while you go unsatisfied is a problem and is unacceptable. It is some form of dysfunction that needs to be addressed.

 

 

( Check out "your brain on porn." While I'm not sure I completely agree with this, I do think it makes some good points. )

 

 

In some ways, somebody that has a porn/masturbation problem that is causing their partner to go without, needs to be addressed as it would if he were having an affair with another woman. Starting thinking of the porn as another woman and dealing with it as such.

 

 

Now to fair and reasonable, I don't think it is appropriate to ban ALL masturbation. But it is reasonable to put boundaries on the spanking that is depriving you.

 

 

So in other words, it is perfectly OK for him to spank if you are out of town for a week or if you are sick or somehow out of commission for a period of time.

 

 

You need to start shifting your mindset to the realization that this is an actual marital problem with potential catastrophic results. This isn't just a quirk or annoyance like leaving the cap off of the toothpaste or leaving the toilet seat up. He's basically having an affair with hundreds of naked women on youporn.

 

I completely agree. Please see my earlier response to you. Thanks for sharing your levelheaded take.

[OneWord]

Sexless marriage = Divorce

 

Get out of this relationship before your sanity and your self-esteem become an absolute zero.

 

Thanks for your POV. Please see my reply to Oldshirt. Leaving would be the last course of action - not the first. Our marriage is extremely important to me. Lord knows I am sure as hell not perfect and my husband has loved me through some of the most difficult times in my life - times when I can categorically say he should have left me. As long as we are both willing to address the issue and we love each other I have no business running for the door.

 

At this point he has taken responsibility for his conduct (see reply to Oldshirt above) and suggested some acceptable ways to deal with this. I'll keep you posted - if you're a praying person lift one up for us. We're human, we err, we forgive, we get up and we try again. He's worth it, so am I. Thanks again! Stay tuned.

[Soxfaninfl]

OK, first let me thank you for your grounded comments and insight. As to our ages he's 35 I'm 45.

 

I do need to tell you I've never told him not to masturbate. I have no problem with this so long as it's the back up plan not the principal source of pleasure. I do it too. It's just not my idea of Plan/QUOTE]

 

OP my situation is reversed, my wife is 45, and I'm 39. Since we've been together, she hasn't had to masturbate since I'm always home. As 45 year old women if you had your choice how often would you want sex?

[icemans.insights]

As far as I know he is not gay. He really likes to give me oral sex which is why when we have sex it's off the charts amazing. It's either feast or famine though. :-/ As to how we are, I'm prepping for my first NPC fitness competition (bikini). He doesn't work out nearly as much as I do but he's fit. As to sex before marriage, in the beginning we were like rabbits. It tapered off and this is why I said we discussed it again last night - but it hadn't gone this long before.

 

It's normal for sex to taper off after the honeymoon period but you're still in the early stages of your marriage. Sex shouldn't be an issue at this stage. Obviously you recognize that.

 

The initiating part I can relate too somewhat. My first wife had no problem initiating and coming out and saying what she wanted. And I didn't either with her because we were always on the same page sexually. The sex was fantastic for those years we were together.

 

Second wife has never had much self-belief in herself. So the initiating part of our sex life has been something we both trip over often. I feel like I'm the guy who wants it always, and I feel like she's willing to participate but given a choice between sex and watching TV she'd take the latter. And nobody wants to be in a sexual relationship like that.

 

Get your stuff fixed before you invest 10 years into the relationship and look back wondering why you put in so many years and things just got worse.