Should a spouse tell his mother about his marital problems?

[misty12]

He suffers from depression and has low self esteem from being sexually rejected by his wife. You sound just like my exW so forgive me if I don't empathize much with you. Not that it justifies in anyway but I can also understand why another woman giving him attention would make him want to have an affair. You both are making one another suffer. You say he is guilting you or manipulating you into staying. Where is your power? Did you not have a voice when you decided to marry? You still have that same voice. You can choose to leave. You would actually be doing him a favor. You say you love him, then file for divorce.

 

 

I beat myself up for years while with my exW. My self esteem took a huge hit and some of those issues I still deal with today. Your H feel like a piece of sh*t because his wife cheats on him and then rejects him. You are crushing his soul.

 

I agree with you, but how do I get him to believe that I would be doing him a favor? Right now, he thinks that if I leave him I am being cruel and have the intent to crush his world and betray our commitment.

[Thicke2013]

I agree with you, but how do I get him to believe that I would be doing him a favor? Right now, he thinks that if I leave him I am being cruel and have the intent to crush his world and betray our commitment.

 

He doesn't have to believe you. He will find out one day. I finally got the nerve to end my first marriage after years of deliberating and trying to be the man I thought she wanted. She is now happier and I most certainly am happier than I had ever been. I can clearly see now that she didn't have the nerve to end it. It was on me. Here, it is on you. He only thinks he wants to save this marriage. From the words you speak about him, you will do him a favor and he may not see it right away but one day when he finds someone who truly wants him and desires him he will see it.

[misty12]

He doesn't have to believe you. He will find out one day. I finally got the nerve to end my first marriage after years of deliberating and trying to be the man I thought she wanted. She is now happier and I most certainly am happier than I had ever been. I can clearly see now that she didn't have the nerve to end it. It was on me. Here, it is on you. He only thinks he wants to save this marriage. From the words you speak about him, you will do him a favor and he may not see it right away but one day when he finds someone who truly wants him and desires him he will see it.

 

True. My other concern is that he had a tendency to be vengeful. I experienced it the first time I broke up with him when we were dating in college... Badmouthing me to people, telling people I'm ugly and I look like a witch etc.. And also he vandalized a display in a lobby writing my initials and that I'm a b!tch. I'd like to think he has matured slightly since then, but he still tends to act out in anger. I think that is what was behind the way he worded the text to his mom. And I still have to live with him. He would not harm me physically, but I am intimidated by him at times. So this is another reason why I want him to see that a divorce would be to his benefit.

[Thicke2013]

True. My other concern is that he had a tendency to be vengeful. I experienced it the first time I broke up with him when we were dating in college... Badmouthing me to people, telling people I'm ugly and I look like a witch etc.. And also he vandalized a display in a lobby writing my initials and that I'm a b!tch. I'd like to think he has matured slightly since then, but he still tends to act out in anger. I think that is what was behind the way he worded the text to his mom. And I still have to live with him. He would not harm me physically, but I am intimidated by him at times. So this is another reason why I want him to see that a divorce would be to his benefit.

 

 

 

Are you unable to move out or stay with someone while the divorce is being settled? As for badmouthing you, there is nothing you can do about that. My exW called me everything except a man while going through our divorce. What she ended up doing was making herself look like a fool in our small town because people knew my true character and knew the things she was spreading were false and completely made up. She even told her mom once that I hadn't paid child support in 3 months and it comes directly out of my check. I had it set up that way. When her mom called me to confront me and I told her that she just got quiet. None of the reasons you give are valid reasons for continuing to be with someone who makes you miserable and vice versa. Keep looking for excuses and you will find them.

[misty12]

I don't have anyone to stay with, and can't find a place to rent that would allow 2 dogs and is less than $2000 a month (I'm in nyc area). I'm stuck here.

 

That's too bad what your ex was saying about you. I agree that it is more of a reflection on their character.

[William]

Folks, as a reminder, our guidelines encourage providing topical responses and in a tone which is collaborative and helpful. If there is content from past postings of the thread starter relevant to this topic, please quote them and link to them directly when making statements or inferences or questions regarding them. Otherwise, past postings of members are not to be discussed in current threads. Thanks!

[sandylee1]

Constant rejection is going to make him feel pretty low. I don't think 41 is too old to start again either.

 

If you tell him in a nice a way as possible, that although everything else in the marriage is okay, the desire for intimacy for that reason, you feel that continuing in the marriage is harmful to the both of you.

 

It's emotionally damaging to the both you to remain married. How long can your husband carry on being rejected without something really giving here.

 

Obviously you can't force yourself to sexually desire him. It doesn't appear that counselling can fix this problem.

[autumnnight]

I was going to say no....but this isn't a man who is griping that you don't keep the house clean enough. This is a man whose wife has repeated affairs, and her biggest concern is how she looks to others and the security she will miss if she leaves.

 

Yeah, I think the poor husband needs some support, and who better than family.

[Thicke2013]

I don't have anyone to stay with, and can't find a place to rent that would allow 2 dogs and is less than $2000 a month (I'm in nyc area). I'm stuck here.

 

That's too bad what your ex was saying about you. I agree that it is more of a reflection on their character.

 

 

 

Look, if it is that important to you, you will find a way. As with anything else in life. Two years prior to me leaving my exW I worked the job I have now from 8-5 and after that delivered pizzas from 5:15-11pm 4-5 nights a week to pay off her truck. Once paid off I transferred it into her name only to make the divorce smoother and quicker when I filed. I was also able to put some money into savings for the filing.

 

 

I don't know all of your details but I know that it is possible for you to get a place of your own. Find a friend and rent a room. Get a second job somewhere that will board your dogs and trade for free board so you can get your own apartment. When I moved out I was able to exchange some rent for some small jobs at the duplex I was renting. When one renter moved out of the unit next to mine I painted the entire thing in exchange for 2 months rent. I have a friend that moved to NYC shortly after college. He met a couple of friends and the 3 of them went in together and rented a 2 room flat. None of them could afford it on their own and they took turns sleeping on the couch. Be creative. It's worth it right? To have the life you've always wanted?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Look, if it is that important to you, you will find a way. As with anything else in life. Two years prior to me leaving my exW I worked the job I have now from 8-5 and after that delivered pizzas from 5:15-11pm 4-5 nights a week to pay off her truck. Once paid off I transferred it into her name only to make the divorce smoother and quicker when I filed. I was also able to put some money into savings for the filing.

 

 

I don't know all of your details but I know that it is possible for you to get a place of your own. Find a friend and rent a room. Get a second job somewhere that will board your dogs and trade for free board so you can get your own apartment. When I moved out I was able to exchange some rent for some small jobs at the duplex I was renting. When one renter moved out of the unit next to mine I painted the entire thing in exchange for 2 months rent. I have a friend that moved to NYC shortly after college. He met a couple of friends and the 3 of them went in together and rented a 2 room flat. None of them could afford it on their own and they took turns sleeping on the couch. Be creative. It's worth it right? To have the life you've always wanted?

 

I have to agree with Thicke2013.

 

Having spent years working with domestic violence clients who had the odds stacked up against them in more ways than one who managed to escape their abusers with their children in tow, I have become a firm believer that ANYONE can get out any situation at any time if they want it badly enough.

[Phoenician]

Misty ,

 

I hope you are not my wife ,

I live with her 17 years and still living , she is decent to an extent to deny her husband from sex just because she is not feeling like to do it ; Borderline metality and so selfish and lazy .

 

after 17 years I, yes I am a doormate .

 

I used to cook , help her with kids , got her everything that makes her confortable , yet , she never respect me in front of kids , if I disagree with her on one item puff , she is a witch for days and weeks ; as a simple example , last week she noticed that she is gaining weight , I told her u look more beautiful with curves ;but u can go to nearby Gym ....she insists on buying a treadmill , I said fine we can put it on the large balcony and if u are disturbed from cold or u want more privacy we can add curtains ...

She wants to put inside our bedroom ,which will make the bedroom crowded !

 

All What I said , no honney we can not doit this way , and puff silent treatment , passive aggressivness, it has been now day # 8 without saying Gd morning to me .!

 

 

she would have sex only when she wants , only how she want ; in 17 years , I even never ever had a BJ ... why , because she knows I desire it .

 

I am staying because of kids , but when they fly , I will divorce her A$$ even if it is the last day in my life .

 

Are u my wife ?

[misty12]

The other issue with moving out is that I was told it's considered abandonment, and since I would like to consider buying him out to keep the house, it might not be a good idea. I think I just need to accept there is no easy way to do this.

 

I know it may appear to some that I am being selfish and I am the mean horrible wife who is giving him a sexless existence. We don't have kids, so what is stopping him from leaving? I have made it really clear that I don't desire him in THAT way. He has just as much power to make changes to pursue what he wants, but when I bring up divorce he does everything he can to talk me out of it. He talks to his mother and she makes it worse by insisting to both me and him it can be worked out. She herself is in a miserable codependent marriage with a man who does not respect her and by staying and advising her son she is teaching him to stick with the status quo and complain to everyone else, exactly like she does!

Edited May 11, 2015 by misty12

[Thicke2013]

The other issue with moving out is that I was told it's considered abandonment, and since I would like to consider buying him out to keep the house, it might not be a good idea. I think I just need to accept there is no easy way to do this.

 

I know it may appear to some that I am being selfish and I am the mean horrible wife who is giving him a sexless existence. We don't have kids, so what is stopping him from leaving? I have made it really clear that I don't desire him in THAT way. He has just as much power to make changes to pursue what he wants, but when I bring up divorce he does everything he can to talk me out of it. He talks to his mother and she makes it worse by insisting to both me and him it can be worked out. She herself is in a miserable codependent marriage with a man who does not respect her and by staying and advising her son she is teaching him to stick with the status quo and complain to everyone else, exactly like she does!

 

 

 

If your H were here asking for advice I would be telling him the same but he isn't. Again, you are putting the decision on him for YOUR life. At what point do you take responsibility for your own life and decisions and outcome? With your thinking, if he decides not to divorce, 10 years from now you will still be with him complaining about how you aren't happy because you don't desire him. Quit turning this around to be your H's fault. This is all on you. No one can make you stay or go. Period. When you get to the end of your life you won't look back and think, "if only my H had manned up and left me". You will think, "why did I waste so many years of my life unhappy." IMO you are being a coward and you are robbing your H of a happy fulfilled life in the process. You are doing the same thing to him my exW did to me. Please find some courage somewhere and tell him that you want a divorce. Unless NY is different than where I'm from, he doesn't have to agree to a divorce for you to get one.

[misty12]

If your H were here asking for advice I would be telling him the same but he isn't. Again, you are putting the decision on him for YOUR life. At what point do you take responsibility for your own life and decisions and outcome? With your thinking, if he decides not to divorce, 10 years from now you will still be with him complaining about how you aren't happy because you don't desire him. Quit turning this around to be your H's fault. This is all on you. No one can make you stay or go. Period. When you get to the end of your life you won't look back and think, "if only my H had manned up and left me". You will think, "why did I waste so many years of my life unhappy." IMO you are being a coward and you are robbing your H of a happy fulfilled life in the process. You are doing the same thing to him my exW did to me. Please find some courage somewhere and tell him that you want a divorce. Unless NY is different than where I'm from, he doesn't have to agree to a divorce for you to get one.

 

I know. I am being a coward. I wish I had a big family support system like he does, but I don't. After all this he can go home to his mom, dad, sister, brother etc etc and I will be alone. And whenever I bring up divorce I see my words are tearing him apart. I want him to eagerly agree to leave the selfish cheating b!tch but he won't and his tears suck me right back in. I instinctively want to make it all better for him so I stay. Then I realize my needs are getting unmet, and it's a cycle. I need to take responsibility and accept there is no easy way to do this.

[Thicke2013]

I know. I am being a coward. I wish I had a big family support system like he does, but I don't. After all this he can go home to his mom, dad, sister, brother etc etc and I will be alone. And whenever I bring up divorce I see my words are tearing him apart. I want him to eagerly agree to leave the selfish cheating b!tch but he won't and his tears suck me right back in. I instinctively want to make it all better for him so I stay. Then I realize my needs are getting unmet, and it's a cycle. I need to take responsibility and accept there is no easy way to do this.

 

 

 

Misty, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to help you see that your actions not only affect you but they affect him. You are both miserable. Like I said, my first marriage was much the same as yours. It still wasn't easy to end it. When I told her that I was leaving and she broke down and cried it hurt me too. You don't spend that much time with someone and not miss them or hurt when they aren't there. Once you end it though, you open yourself up for true happiness with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. You also allow him the same. That is truly a great feeling. Think of it as helping him as well as yourself. I am living proof that it can happen and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I, like you, found an excuse every time I went looking for one. All you have to do is stop looking. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

I know. I am being a coward. I wish I had a big family support system like he does, but I don't. After all this he can go home to his mom, dad, sister, brother etc etc and I will be alone. And whenever I bring up divorce I see my words are tearing him apart. I want him to eagerly agree to leave the selfish cheating b!tch but he won't and his tears suck me right back in. I instinctively want to make it all better for him so I stay. Then I realize my needs are getting unmet, and it's a cycle. I need to take responsibility and accept there is no easy way to do this.

 

You're not alone. You have friends for support.

 

You have no option here, he refuses to end his affair so divorce it is. Don't settle for anything less and don't let fear of the unknown stop you from doing what you need to do.