Should I get a divorce? Reality check needed.

[Akashsingh]

I understand. Lying in a relationship is a BIG no. It breaks the trust. I had confronted my ex over lying to me and threw some angry tantrums, thats when she called the police and I was arrested, basically merely on her words.

 

Did she ever admit to anyone ever to lying? No. Never.

 

Similarly, he is going to lie to save his skin. You have to work out some formula that gives him a face saving measure.

 

All or nothing approach would end you up with nothing, mostly. Don't destroy everything you have built over time.

 

One thing I learnt during my divorce is that you can not make another person change. The only person who can change is you. They have to see it for themselves for them to change. The more you try to "force" on your husband, more defensive he will get and more destructive it would be.

 

So as I said before, ensure your physical safety first then then , maybe, in your case separate for 6-months to 1 yr, let your husband see how miserable his life is without you and let him come back and ask you back. Have some patience.

 

Things will work out. Perhaps you see a therapist alone and ask for a solutions. However, most therapists are basically glorified divorce counselors. Instead of focusing on reconciling couples, they advise them to separate and help them cope up with separation and divorce. Because, there are cases when someone (usually a woman) got killed in the process of separation and divorce. And these counselors want to cover their back and not be the one who has blood on his hands.

 

You didn't sound like someone who is scared to that extent, however; you must ensure your physical safety first while trying to work things out.

 

He is never going to change completely to be honest with you, but over time, he will be willing to negotiate and compromise.

 

 

All the best!

[Akashsingh]

There are 3 things you can do with any situation:

 

A = Accept

C= Change

D= Dump.

 

Accept, what you can accept. Try to change what can be changed and if the above two do not work, then get rid of the situation.

 

You sound like a smart woman. Things will work out for you.

[loveboid]

I am mildly curious what would happen if we tried going to a male counselor.

 

I would try it. Anti-violence programs are made up of men who go around to talk to boys and other men. Men are a great, probably the best influence when it comes to stopping violence.

[Esraem]

I understand. Lying in a relationship is a BIG no. It breaks the trust. I had confronted my ex over lying to me and threw some angry tantrums, thats when she called the police and I was arrested, basically merely on her words.

 

Did she ever admit to anyone ever to lying? No. Never.

 

Similarly, he is going to lie to save his skin. You have to work out some formula that gives him a face saving measure.

 

All or nothing approach would end you up with nothing, mostly. Don't destroy everything you have built over time.

 

One thing I learnt during my divorce is that you can not make another person change. The only person who can change is you. They have to see it for themselves for them to change. The more you try to "force" on your husband, more defensive he will get and more destructive it would be.

 

So as I said before, ensure your physical safety first then then , maybe, in your case separate for 6-months to 1 yr, let your husband see how miserable his life is without you and let him come back and ask you back. Have some patience.

 

Things will work out. Perhaps you see a therapist alone and ask for a solutions. However, most therapists are basically glorified divorce counselors. Instead of focusing on reconciling couples, they advise them to separate and help them cope up with separation and divorce. Because, there are cases when someone (usually a woman) got killed in the process of separation and divorce. And these counselors want to cover their back and not be the one who has blood on his hands.

 

You didn't sound like someone who is scared to that extent, however; you must ensure your physical safety first while trying to work things out.

 

He is never going to change completely to be honest with you, but over time, he will be willing to negotiate and compromise.

 

 

All the best!

 

Unfortunately they will never admit to what they did, because it unravels the story they are trying to portray.

 

My STBXW told only a few people in her family about our pending divorce. Did she bring up the fact that she was having an emotional affair? That this guy has bought her things and continues to give her money? No not at all. She told them the things I did in response to what she was doing. Checking her phone, tracking where she was going, etc. Good thing is they didnt fall for it.

[Arabella]

Unfortunately they will never admit to what they did, because it unravels the story they are trying to portray.

 

My STBXW told only a few people in her family about our pending divorce. Did she bring up the fact that she was having an emotional affair? That this guy has bought her things and continues to give her money? No not at all. She told them the things I did in response to what she was doing. Checking her phone, tracking where she was going, etc. Good thing is they didnt fall for it.

 

Sorry your ex cheated on you. However, I did nothing of the sort. I'm not perfect, but I've been 100% loyal and dedicated to my husband.

 

Far more than he has EVER been to me.

[Arabella]

I would try it. Anti-violence programs are made up of men who go around to talk to boys and other men. Men are a great, probably the best influence when it comes to stopping violence.

 

I've thought about it, but he has this completely overwhelming ego where he can't admit that he IS abusive. He can't even admit that the things that he does are wrong. I once suggested him attending a group therapy session that I saw advertised. It was meant for men with anger issues, and it was run by a male therapist. He rejected it outright. Personally, I think he knows what's going to happen. Once he tries to justify to them that treating me like **** is okay (the way he always does), he's going to get a reality check. And it's not going to be pleasant for his sense of self-image.

 

Sometimes I think that he derives most of his sense of self-worth from trying to feel superior to me and belittling me. It's the only way that I can explain it. I wonder if the fact that I make more money and have more education are factors in this. He always told me that he didn't care if he made less money than me, but I have a feeling that's not true.

[Diezel]

Is there any real reason to stay?

[Arabella]

Is there any real reason to stay?

 

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the family that we both used to believe in. And I don't want my daughter to be without her father every day.

 

So I keep wondering if there's a way of making things better or at least not making them worse....

[Diezel]

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the family that we both used to believe in. And I don't want my daughter to be without her father every day.

 

So I keep wondering if there's a way of making things better or at least not making them worse....

 

At what cost though?

 

She has a father readily available but has THIS as the benchmark for long term relationships?

[CarrieT]

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the family that we both used to believe in. And I don't want my daughter to be without her father every day.

 

So I keep wondering if there's a way of making things better or at least not making them worse....

 

But your daughter will grow up witnessing his abuse of you and you will be - therefore - teaching her that it is acceptable to be treated poorly.

[Arabella]

But your daughter will grow up witnessing his abuse of you and you will be - therefore - teaching her that it is acceptable to be treated poorly.

 

Yes, I'm keenly aware of that, CarrieT... That's the one thing that haunts me. I keep thinking that if he starts to improve before she's old enough to know better, all will be fine.

 

A few months ago, I asked him, "What would you tell your daughter if her partner was treating her the way you treat me?"

 

He answered, "I'd tell her to run."

 

It's so hard to accept that this cannot get better, when there are still frequent moments that feel right. They usually happen when he's not angry... of course, the issue is that he's angry most of the time.

[GorillaTheater]

I remember your threads from 2013, Arabella. My advice remains the same.

 

You've hung in there and tried to make this work, but you can't because you have little or no control over the other half of the equation, and he's apparently not changing.

 

Give yourself all due credit for trying, but it's time to throw in the towel.

 

I'm sorry, Arabella.

[KBarletta]

A few months ago, I asked him, "What would you tell your daughter if her partner was treating her the way you treat me?"

 

He answered, "I'd tell her to run."

 

 

So this moment clearly illustrates that he KNOWS he has a serious problem. He's behaving in a way that he wouldn't tolerate or ask others to tolerate. Then why not try to change?

 

Honestly, it almost sounds as if he needs an intervention-style moment where he is confronted directly with the consequences of his awful behavior and forced to change or else. It sounds just incredibly frustrating to deal with someone who is this aware of how awful their behavior is - to the point of admitting that he would advise others to "run" from someone like him - but still refuses to take the necessary steps to change.

[Arabella]

I remember your threads from 2013, Arabella. My advice remains the same.

 

You've hung in there and tried to make this work, but you can't because you have little or no control over the other half of the equation, and he's apparently not changing.

 

Give yourself all due credit for trying, but it's time to throw in the towel.

 

I'm sorry, Arabella.

 

If you only knew how hard I tried... but I'm starting to agree with you that this may be beyond my control.

 

I know everyone's been telling me, but I guess I just needed to get to the end to see for myself.

 

So this moment clearly illustrates that he KNOWS he has a serious problem. He's behaving in a way that he wouldn't tolerate or ask others to tolerate. Then why not try to change?

 

Honestly, it almost sounds as if he needs an intervention-style moment where he is confronted directly with the consequences of his awful behavior and forced to change or else. It sounds just incredibly frustrating to deal with someone who is this aware of how awful their behavior is - to the point of admitting that he would advise others to "run" from someone like him - but still refuses to take the necessary steps to change.

 

Yes, according to him, I am the problem. He says he doesn't have these issues with anyone else.

 

Of course, he's lying. He's been a violent person since his teens... starting with a pretty physical relationship with his father. He also used to get into all kinds of fights at school, and got suspended multiple times due to this.

 

Anytime I try to point out that this is an on-going issue in his life, and that getting rid of his family won't fix it, he becomes confrontational and nasty with me.

 

He has issues, and he knows it... but his idea of "fix" is getting rid of me and his daughter so nothing triggers his anger.

[KBarletta]

If you only knew how hard I tried... but I'm starting to agree with you that this may be beyond my control.

 

I know everyone's been telling me, but I guess I just needed to get to the end to see for myself.

 

 

 

Yes, according to him, I am the problem. He says he doesn't have these issues with anyone else.

 

Of course, he's lying. He's been a violent person since his teens... starting with a pretty physical relationship with his father. He also used to get into all kinds of fights at school, and got suspended multiple times due to this.

 

Anytime I try to point out that this is an on-going issue in his life, and that getting rid of his family won't fix it, he becomes confrontational and nasty with me.

 

He has issues, and he knows it... but his idea of "fix" is getting rid of me and his daughter so nothing triggers his anger.

 

Most of the time, angry people take their anger out at the people who are closest to them, the ones they spend the most time with. That's where the triggers come from. Usually, that means co-workers and/or family members bear the brunt of it. But it also means that changing the people on the receiving end isn't going to change the behavior. They will just direct it toward others.

 

The sad thing is that your husband will probably come to realize this some day - he'll find other people and other situations that trigger the exact same reactions from him, and he will eventually realize that you were not the problem and he should have gotten help a long time ago.

[loveboid]

but his idea of "fix" is getting rid of me and his daughter so nothing triggers his anger.

 

Well he could have a point there. I once heard of a guy with PTSD who shut himself in an abandoned building for months with a cassette player blasting one song over and over again, threatening anyone who came near him with a spiked chain. His routine eventually calmed his nerves down to come out again.

 

New research in PTSD is that it's a nerve injury. Extra nerves grow or become ultra sensitive and a therapy is to get the nerves to relax again.

 

Could it be that with his family of origin violence that he has some kind complex PTSD? Complex as in cumulative traumas over an extended period.

 

A new PTSD treatment is called stellate ganglion block. You should be able to google "sgb ptsd".

[Arabella]

Well he could have a point there. I once heard of a guy with PTSD who shut himself in an abandoned building for months with a cassette player blasting one song over and over again, threatening anyone who came near him with a spiked chain. His routine eventually calmed his nerves down to come out again.

 

New research in PTSD is that it's a nerve injury. Extra nerves grow or become ultra sensitive and a therapy is to get the nerves to relax again.

 

Could it be that with his family of origin violence that he has some kind complex PTSD? Complex as in cumulative traumas over an extended period.

 

A new PTSD treatment is called stellate ganglion block. You should be able to google "sgb ptsd".

 

I think you might be on to something.

 

He has A LOT of resentment from his father's abuse. He can recall vividly hurtful things that his father said or did when he was 7 years old and still become upset by those actions. As time went by, their relationship became physically violent. At some point, his father "saw the light" and tried to make amends with him, but it was too late.

 

He doesn't like talking about this... but he did open up about all this back at the beginning of our relationship.

 

I know that things I've said and done tend to trigger him because they remind him of his father. This is definitely a part of what's going on.

 

I don't think he's a bad person, but he is VERY angry and abusive, and he doesn't understand that isolating himself only treats the symptom, but not the underlying cause of his anger.

[Arabella]

Last night I talked to my husband briefly, about our marriage and where we are going as a family. I asked him if he still felt that we were committed to working things out, and he said his mind says yes, but his emotions say no. He is always angry and feels that if he were to get away from us, it would get better.

 

Trouble is, I don't think that's good enough for me. I deserve better than a man who is half-committed.

 

During the night, our daughter woke up multiple times. He refused to console her, saying that he "didn't give a **** if she cried all night". He says things like that during night-time, but then during the day he acts sweet with her. I can't quite figure out how can he possibly act so detached at times and then fine at others.

 

I called a lawyer to schedule a consultation. I feel like I need to start getting my ducks in a row, just in case. At least, I need to ask some real questions.

 

My daughter is everything to me, and I am afraid he might try to take her away just to hurt me. He's threatened to do it before, and if he's angry enough, I don't doubt that he might try. There's been so much abuse, but as of right now, I can't prove anything really. I hope the lawyer has some answers for me.

 

-A

[GorillaTheater]

Arabella, did you have that consultation with an attorney? How do things stand at this point?

 

We're thinking about you.

[Arabella]

Hey guys, sorry for the late update.

 

So the lawyer I called cancelled the appointment on me literally two hours before I drove to her office. I've just started my new job this past week and I've not had time to reschedule.

 

Things at home continue to be crappy. My husband always said that the reason for his constant bad mood was the financial issues. Okay, now I have a job which pays very well, and those problems are gone. What's his excuse now? He's depressed, okay, but why am I his punching bag?

 

Also, he still expects me to do most chores despite the fact that I work full time. If he is in a "good" mood, he might give his daughter a bath without complaining. I'm still waiting for him to fold the load of laundry he started three days ago...

 

I've initiated a few "dates" so we could get to spend some time together without baby, but it hasn't helped or changed anything. When we do go out together, we never really talk and it doesn't feel fun like it used to be before. I don't really enjoy spending time with him anymore

 

Other than that, I guess right now our marriage just isn't a priority to me because I'm focusing on my new job at the moment. It's very, very important to me that I succeed at this job because if we do get a divorce, I need to make sure I can provide for myself and my daughter.

 

As an interesting note... apparently he's been reading up on psychology websites about sociopathy and even took a self-evaluation test. He's fully aware that something is wrong with him aside from depression. I asked if he would consider seeing a therapist and he said "maybe". That's code for "I can't be bothered", but who knows, maybe he'll surprise me.

 

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, thank goodness...

[KBarletta]

I asked if he would consider seeing a therapist and he said "maybe". That's code for "I can't be bothered", but who knows, maybe he'll surprise me.

 

Not to be overly dramatic, but I think the future of your marriage rests on whether your husband gets help. If he "can't be bothered" then I'd get out as fast as you can.

[stillafool]

When is your next appointment with the divorce attorney?

[Arabella]

Not to be overly dramatic, but I think the future of your marriage rests on whether your husband gets help. If he "can't be bothered" then I'd get out as fast as you can.

 

I'm pretty sure he is aware of that. He fights me a lot when I point out that his behavior isn't normal, but deep down he knows I'm right. He even made a point of telling me that he felt that

 

He also knows that now that I have a job, I have no real reason to put up with his crap. He used to threaten me with leaving or not paying rent as a means of controlling me, but guess what? That doesn't work anymore. Next time I'm going to be like "go right ahead".

 

Frankly, I'm not sure how much willingness to work on this do I have anymore. I am not happy, and I know I can do better.

 

I think that IF I find a therapist for him and ask him to call to make an appointment when he's in a good mood, he probably will. But is that good enough? He has no ambition to do anything, no matter what it relates to, unless he's constantly pushed and reminded.

[Arabella]

When is your next appointment with the divorce attorney?

 

As I said, I just started my new job this past week so I haven't rescheduled.

 

I also tried scheduling a consultation with the lawyer that handled my previous divorce and he never called me back.

 

Not having much luck with attorneys in this area, as far as reliability goes :/

[KBarletta]

I think that IF I find a therapist for him and ask him to call to make an appointment when he's in a good mood, he probably will. But is that good enough? He has no ambition to do anything, no matter what it relates to, unless he's constantly pushed and reminded.

 

It's only "good enough" if it leads to real, lasting changes that result in a new, happier marriage for both of you. That is a long shot, but him getting help is the only way - and just the first step, really.

 

The way you describe him, it sounds like you are dealing with a second child. I often felt the same way with my WAW - it was a struggle to get her to contribute to household chores, etc., I did 90 percent even though we both worked full time.